grymoire Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 There could be many reasons - it might be how he asks, the timing of when he asks, body language/vibes. Some people have religious/ethnic/cultural restrictions. It might be a total lack of physical attraction or lack of any potential for it. It might be his age, weight (i.e. health reasons), that he smokes cigarettes. Physical attraction can certainly change over time - peoples' preferences change, as you get to know someone attraction can grow (or decrease), etc. In the second case there can be many reasons - my reasons have included that the attraction that was there wasn't there after a few dates, that it didn't grow, we didn't have compatible values/goals, I didn't have fun with him or enjoy his sense of humor (or he didn't have a sense of humor), I met someone else I liked better, etc. So Batya, since you use the phrase "lack of potential for it" I am assuming that even if you did not find the guy physically attractive you would still give him a chance and go for 1 date (assuming other things are ok)?? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 A - initially you had nothing to peek her interest B - she found out you aren't her type/she met someone who she thought was a better match/she didn't want to tell you about her fake leg Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Scenario A: She had no attraction towards you, most likely. Scenario B: Incompatible values and goals in life, incompatible personalities, you were too boring of a conversationalist, she didn't like your personality (eg, you were rude to busboy) in general, met someone better, anything really, same general reasons a man wouldn't be interested in a woman after a few dates. Pretty much what Batya wrote. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 thx mate... quick question - since women also make decisions purely based on how a guy looks why is it they always say "men are shallow"? We're equally shallow, it's just women are more shallow with things like money wheras we men are more shallow with respect to looks. They respond more to emotion than us men so you can get away with not being her type more so than the other way around. Still though, you can't be an ugly dude, but neither do you have to look like an actor. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 They respond more to emotion than us men so you can get away with not being her type more so than the other way around. Still though, you can't be an ugly dude, but neither do you have to look like an actor. This is what I have trouble with accepting. Based on what I have experienced I feel that a girl will absolutely not give even 1 single chance to a guy regardless of how great he may be if she does not find him physically attractive or if she thinks he is not her type. May be I am just unfortunate to come accross a woman like this. Link to comment
KG Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 IMHO, this relates to the "Great Guy" thread. You have to have some sort of physical attractraction to break the ice. Then she has to see if you are a great guy. Tough to do the second if she won't let you past the first. Catch-22! Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 IMHO, this relates to the "Great Guy" thread. You have to have some sort of physical attractraction to break the ice. Then she has to see if you are a great guy. Tough to do the second if she won't let you past the first. Catch-22! yes its kinda related... she did see i am a great guy... i strongly believe that physical attraction is the only major criteria.... nothing else matters. its just my opinion though. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 This is what I have trouble with accepting. Based on what I have experienced I feel that a girl will absolutely not give even 1 single chance to a guy regardless of how great he may be if she does not find him physically attractive or if she thinks he is not her type. May be I am just unfortunate to come accross a woman like this. Well, it also depends on the type of environment you're in. If you are talking about club or bar, then yes, it'll be more shallow. But if you meet a girl through playing on a team with them for weeks or months or if you meet them through volunteering and get to know them over time, then pure physical attraction will be less important. Basically any scenario where they can gauge your personality and your inner qualities over time. I have gotten dates through this before and not all of them were super attracted to me physically at first, I'm sure. You have to play the game on the right playing fields. I bet you pretty much never meet girls in the scenarios I painted, am I right? Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Well, it also depends on the type of environment you're in. If you are talking about club or bar, then yes, it'll be more shallow. But if you meet a girl through playing on a team with them for weeks or months or if you meet them through volunteering and get to know them over time, then pure physical attraction will be less important. Basically any scenario where they can gauge your personality and your inner qualities over time. I have gotten dates through this before and not all of them were super attracted to me physically at first, I'm sure. You have to play the game on the right playing fields. I bet you pretty much never meet girls in the scenarios I painted, am I right? sad to say that you are wrong i did not meet her in bar or club.... and yes she did have sufficient time to gauge my personality and character and inner qualities... Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 yes its kinda related... she did see i am a great guy... i strongly believe that physical attraction is the only major criteria.... nothing else matters. its just my opinion though. How well does she really know you? If not that well, I mean like really well, she's just saying that to say it, she doesn't even really know you're a great guy or not, just that you seem ok, nice enough. Greatness is something else altogether, something only a minority of men can achieve. Most men (people) are mediocre. This isn't to say your'e not great, just that you really have to know someone very well to know if they are great or not. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 sad to say that you are wrong i did not meet her in bar or club.... and yes she did have sufficient time to gauge my personality and character and inner qualities... Where did you meet her? Maybe it was something else as well (race, relligion)??? I don't know. Or maybe you just didn't even come up to average for her, if so, can't blame her, you know. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Where did you meet her? Maybe it was something else as well (race, relligion)??? I don't know. Or maybe you just didn't even come up to average for her, if so, can't blame her, you know. i don't wish to delve into details but i can guarantee that she knows me very well...... and over a period of time as well.... she wouldn't keep saying that i am a great guy or how lucky she is to have found me if i came accross as average to her... she just does not want to date me... and like you it might be due to race, religion.. i don't know.. Link to comment
KG Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 i don't wish to delve into details but i can guarantee that she knows me very well...... and over a period of time as well.... she wouldn't keep saying that i am a great guy or how lucky she is to have found me if i came accross as average to her... she just does not want to date me... and like you it might be due to race, religion.. i don't know.. Gry, I met someone very similiar also...told me I'm the first man to get that close to her in a long time. We grew very close. People assumed we were an "item". Date me...nope. Just no chemistry. But we remain each others friends. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 i don't wish to delve into details but i can guarantee that she knows me very well...... and over a period of time as well.... she wouldn't keep saying that i am a great guy or how lucky she is to have found me if i came accross as average to her... she just does not want to date me... and like you it might be due to race, religion.. i don't know.. There are many others out there unless you're super specific about what you want. This is just one girl. Link to comment
sunday13 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah... in Situation A, it could have been the circumstance in which you asked her out. For example... I work at a bar on Saturdays. If a guy asks me out there that I have never met or seen before, he automatically gets a "no." It isn't anything against the guy... he may or may not be a good guy. It has nothing to do if he is good looking or not, either. I just don't like being approached my strangers when I am working and asked out. However, if the guy has come in a few times and never made a move, and we get to talking casually, I may go out with him for a date. You need to assess your timing in Situation A. Is the girl alone or with friends? If she is surrounded by friends, don't ask her out. Wait until she is alone. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 So Batya, since you use the phrase "lack of potential for it" I am assuming that even if you did not find the guy physically attractive you would still give him a chance and go for 1 date (assuming other things are ok)?? I would have to feel the potential for a spark - and that is not solely physical attraction - it's a mish mash of looks, vibes, energy, presense, confidence. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Situation A: I'm either not attracted at all, or I know something about them that is fundamentally opposed to what I want in a partner - ie. they may have committed a crime as an extreme example, or they may take drugs, or they may simply have no ambition... Something that I think makes them too different to me to be a viable option. Situation B: I have that initial spark (or at least some attraction that makes me thing it's a possibility) and as I get to know him more I find I don't really mesh with his personality, beliefs, goals etc... That is me though, I'm always looking for a long-term prospect, I don't go on dates with people just for the fun of it if I don't see any potential for long-term. Ammy Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Situation A: They made a shallow judgment on your looks and rejected you. They're shallow, period. This is the type of woman that'll be 50 years old, without a husband, and wondering where it all went wrong. Situation B: They found out more about you, and for some reason, decided not to date you. There's nothing shallow in what they did; maybe you didn't have the same interests as her, or something about you turned her off. She did give you a chance, though, which means that there was something about you that attracted her initially; she just decided that, for whatever reason, you weren't the right person for her. Move on. And the nice guy/bad boy in Situation B; not at all. You could be a Bad Boy, and not be what she's looking for. Being a nice guy or bad boy has nothing to do with it. Link to comment
Ammy Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Situation A: They made a shallow judgment on your looks and rejected you. They're shallow, period. This is the type of woman that'll be 50 years old, without a husband, and wondering where it all went wrong. I don't know that you can say they are shallow. We are all attracted to different things, and there is no point just going out with someone for the sake of it, of you don't feel any attraction. Would you seriously date every guy/girl who asked you out if you were single? Also I think the decision is not just based on looks - it's an overall vibe you get. Ammy Link to comment
sunday13 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I agree with Ammy. Would you reject a girl who wasn't attractive to you at first? Having a physical preference isn't shallow. I am attractive to some men and not attractive to others. No big deal. If the guy doesn't like me physically, I don't want him anyway. Link to comment
StrawberryYogurt Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Situation A: They made a shallow judgment on your looks and rejected you. They're shallow, period. This is the type of woman that'll be 50 years old, without a husband, and wondering where it all went wrong. Wow, you couldn't be more off the mark, I mean c'mon. You should be at least minimally attracted to date someone for it to work well (ie, shouldn't find them ugly) . Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Wow, you couldn't be more off the mark, I mean c'mon. You should be at least minimally attracted to date someone for it to work well (ie, shouldn't find them ugly) . There's more to attraction than just looks. You can be an average looking person and still be attractive if you have a good outlook on life and have a great personality, exciting interests, and a good sense of humor. There's a reason they call it shallow - there's not much depth to someone who will only go out with someone just because they're 'good looking.' Link to comment
kerry123 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I was once asked for a date when i was much younger who i knew slightly but refused to go on a with because he was only 21 but was badly balding and when you are young i think u are more hung up on these things when choosing a date than you \arewhen u are older(i think when u are older and if you mature emotionally in a normal way you realise that these things don't matter). Anyway about 6 months later and i got to know him a little better i realised i really liked him and we were together for 4 years until he dumped me. I was completely in love with him and if i think about him i know i would still love him now if we were still together. So i would just say if she really likes your personality then hang around and give it some time, continue to talk to her now and again (but don't overdo it or u will smother her) , if you continue to make her laugh she may come round to your way of thinking Link to comment
kerry123 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 oh yeah and maybe work on your physical appearance, if u think u can improve it ...work out...lose weight or gain weight if necessary etc...no harm for your own sake in getting fit Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Exactly. Thanks for putting into words what I've been trying to say. And also, I'm not completely discrediting looks. Looks are important. They're just not the only thing a possible relationship should be based on. Link to comment
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