Need a person vs. Want a person

[agdc]

Hey guys,

 

I just had a fight with my wife yesterday. This is a recurring argument that started when we were a month or two from getting married. We had a big fight then and it has been engrave in her mind. I told her that I don't need her to live but I wanted her in my life. I explained the difference between needing someone (like needing air to live) vs. wanting someone (a conscious decision that is made). She said that is wrong and I should need her like how she needs me. I tried explaining to her last night again that what I said was not intended to hurt her feeling but I was just expressing to her my desire to be with her. We are married now and I made that choice on my own. I didn't marry her because I need her, but because I want her in my life. She is not satisfied with that and demand that she be needed and that I don't know how a relationship is like. Lately I noticed that she has a destructive tendency towards the relationship, perhaps bottled up from all the misunderstandings we have.

 

I would like to hear your opinion on this topic. Thank you.

[george237]

I totally agree with your explination however this could have came out bad in an argument. Esp if you said I don't need you and then tried to make it sound better with your definition.

[midnightrambler]

i want you to want me

i need you to need me

 

rings true to my way of thinking

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

maybe more then saying you need her.. you need to behave more like you "need" her...

 

That may be all she is looking for ... that unbridled ... i need you, want you ..can't live without you kind of passion

[Shiva 2007]

I aggree needing someone is not really healthy for a relationsip...... It places a great deal of tension on the needed person. Is your wife younger then you?

[shemo]

isn't keeping someone around because you simply "need" them a little insulting? i would think it is. i feel that if you are with someone because you want them, you are making a conscious decision to be with this person because that is the person you chose to be with. needing someone on the other hand makes it seem like you keep that person around because you can't do without them... as if you had no choice. I don't like drinking milk but i have to because it's good for me. Well it's not the same but you know what i'm saying.

[ghost69]

you should never need. EVER!

[Aviatormy]

As cliche as this sounds,

 

I look at it this way.

 

I view myself as a hot muscle car. Lets say a Mustang.

 

Now if you were to be a brand new Laser Red Mustang Cobra, you would consider yourself to be a sext car. There is nothing wrong with you. You drive well, get from point A to point B. Do not break down often but can be fixed when you need to be. Right?

 

Now, Wouldn't you as a Mustang GT be a heck of a lot funner with a Supercharger? That is what a GF/Fiance/wife should be. Sure she will make you faster, better than most but you were a perfectly fine muscle car before her.

 

If you take that supercharger/Wife off your engine for some reason... would your car die? Would it not work anymore? Did you NEED that supercharger? NO. It was just a wonderful ADDITION to your already great self.

 

Lame I know but it has some meaning lol

[charity]

your wife doesn't NEED you either.she would survive without you if she had to right!!. you are a conscious choice that she has made to be the husband in her life. but she is of that romantic lot (me included) that just feel that way about romantic relationships. we are just a bit dreamy and passionate and idealistic about that sort of stuff. basically she just feels so much for you that she feels like she needs you and she wants you to feel the same..... and say it. ha ha.she knows she wont die without you. i dont think its a big deal. im sure you feel the same way about her but you just have a different-less needy- way of expressing it.

 

one thing i've learned since my last break up is to pick your fights wisely.dont argue about things that are not important. ........ so basically just go and tell her yeah you need her too.

[laisla]

i agree with all the above posters. but i also think there's a different type of "need". one is the need for survival, we need air, water, food, shelter, etc. those are indisputable. if we do not have them, we will die. but if we have only those things in our life, we cannot really reach our human potential just by surviving at the bare minimum. i believe that almost everyone does "NEED" love, of some sort. i need my mother, not 24/7, but i need her because i love her AND i want her in my life. i need a husband one day, because i don't want to be single forever and i do want to be in a relationship.

 

of course needing someone and being obsessed with them so much that you don't live your own life, that is unhealthy. but there are good ways to need someone as well. there are healthy attachments in life.

[Timebandit]

This is a very unhealthy ideal. Unfortunately, it is closely related to the western ideal that the only successful relationship is a monogamous relationship lasting till the end of life. It puts way to much pressure on people...

 

Usually such notions stems from fears, such as fear of abandonment or fear of not being good enough. Such insecurities can probably be triggered by the prospect of marriage.

 

But it could also be a part of a more general pattern? Is she insecure in the relationship?

[_Asti_]

I think love and being in a relationship should be a CHOICE you make. Remaining in a relationship out of necessity is wrong and unhealthy. I don't NEED my SO. Through thick and thin we are there for each other because it's a choice we are making. I want him in my life and we work at it because its what we need.

 

The day that shifts into him NEEDING me to live and survive, is the day I go running. And vice versa.

[Ac143]

I dont want to sound mean but I think this is a very silly argument to have. One thing I think I have learned is to pick my battles.

 

You two apparently have completely different views on the need/want thing. Let this fight go already..

[agdc]

Hi Guys,

 

Thank you so much for all the replies. I truly appreciate it.

 

All the comments I read are very constructive and I value it truly. Some have said that I may have expressed it in the wrong way, and I totally agree with you. I picked the wrong time to say that when we were arguing, which would sound much harsher than it's intended to if we were calm when discussing this in a logical manner. Yes, you are right when you said that this is emotion we're dealing with and emotion is not logical at all. I'm afraid I act in a logical way all the time and neglect to see the emotional aspect of these fights. She is younger than me by 3 years. I'm 28 and she's 25. We are still young and have not experience life yet, so that's probably why we argue about these little things. I didn't mean to argue with her but it turned disastrous. You are right when you said pick fights wisely. She likes to talk about everything that irritates her. I don't talk about everything that irritates me. I explained to her that if it's small enough that I can let it go, then I will, and not express to her. She wants me to, but I hold my ground that the relationship will be much healthier if we don't talk about everything that irks us. If it's a serious problem that I cannot avoid not talking to her about, then I will talk to her. I guess that's just the way I'm raised. I hope this issue won't come up again, but I know it's a far-fetch.

 

Thank you guys for all your time taken to post those replies.