My girlfriend sent me an email. She's unhappy. Dunno what to do

[UFGatorGuy]

Been dating my gf for a year. We get along good, my fam likes her, she's really cool, but sometimes I just need my alone time and she gets mad. So this week I've been busy, seeing friends, my college was in the championship football game and we haven't spent alot of time together but we spent some. This morning, I get this in my inbox:

 

 

I need to feel secure. I need to feel loved constantly. Not in a needy kind of way. I’m very much into a “separate togetherness.” I want to feel your love, even when we’re miles apart. I just need to feel it. I don’t need to hear it, see it; I want to feel it. I also need o know that what we have his special and you can’t share anything we share with anyone else. Our songs, the names you call me, you can’t share them with anybody else. I need to feel like I’m not being a nag, that I’m not annoying you. That what I’m seeking is understanding. I need to feel like I can come to you with anything and that my thoughts and feelings are safe and that they're not going to be belittled or mocked. They are legitimate. I need to know that you’ll do the best you can to mend my feelings because I’d do that for you. I need for you to be patient, approach me gently. I’m easy to please. Be kind and gentle to me.

 

 

 

So it looks like she feels I'm not giving her enough attention? I don't know what to say and don't want to talk to her til I do. I don't do the message board thing but none of my friends have gfs and they won't be that much help.

[Mutley]

When was the last time you spent any time with her?

[UFGatorGuy]

We spent time together on Saturday and Sunday. I was feeling too good so I left Sunday night. I call her every night though but sometimes it feels like she doesn't have a lot to say and that can get annoying sometimes. I was planning on spending tonight and tomorrow with her, but now I dunno what she wants to do.

[Mutley]

Phone convos usually suck....I try to avoid them as much as possible.

 

I'd take her on a date...just joke and smile alot and let her talk without arguing with her about her feelings. I think a weekly date is a must for reltionships.

 

You need to think of something to do. Make symbolic gestures to show her that she's special.

 

Do you ever surprise her with a card in the mail around once a month?

[UFGatorGuy]

Yea, sometimes I'm just too tired to talk, but then she won't say anything either, and I'm just thinking, "What's the point of this conversation?" I love to get her little gifts, just random things, every couple of months or so.

[Mutley]

Yea...I think, in most cases, the phone is ok for a surprise check in or something. But nightly conversations seem to wear the relationship down like sandpaper on wood.

[Adge]

Good Lord. Sounds like my recent ex.

 

Honestly. I read that and was just totally bowled over. How weird is that?

 

Do you love her?

 

If you do you need to act quickly. Alarm bells are ringing.

 

You need to somehow reassure her that you understand. But only if you are prepared to put those words into practise....

[theWalla]

So it looks like she feels I'm not giving her enough attention? I don't know what to say and don't want to talk to her til I do. I don't do the message board thing but none of my friends have gfs and they won't be that much help.

 

If it were me, and the reasons for her saying these things weren't obvious to me, I would just confront her and ask why she feels this way.

[UFGatorGuy]

Good Lord. Sounds like my recent ex.

 

Honestly. I read that and was just totally bowled over. How weird is that?

 

Do you love her?

 

If you do you need to act quickly. Alarm bells are ringing.

 

You need to somehow reassure her that you understand. But only if you are prepared to put those words into practise....

 

Yea, I love her a lot. She's definitely the best girl I've ever had and I see a future with her. That's why I need advice, it seems like she's kept this all in and now seeing this, reading it, whatever, I am just shocked. I feel like a real * * * * * * * and wonder why she didn't say something before now.

[Adge]

Also....gifts don't mean a thing unless she knows your heart is in this relationship. Don't make the same mistakes I made!!

[UFGatorGuy]

Also....gifts don't mean a thing unless she knows your heart is in this relationship. Don't make the same mistakes I made!!

 

Can you be a little bit more specific? Me, I don't really like a lot of bull * * * * , and if someone annoys me, I tell them. I mean, no relationship's perfect. Like I told her, if I'm tired, I get grouchy and don't want to talk. It doesn't mean I don't love her, just I don't want to talk right then. I just feel like this is all coming from us not spending too much time together this week and me going home early on Sunday.

 

But if you can give me tips, I'd appreciate it man. My heart is in it and I don't want to lose her!

[Mutley]

Give her TEN minutes a day to talk to you and smile.

 

Unless you want to lose her.

[Adge]

It doesn't matter. She's saying it now. If she means a lot to you, you must reassure her and take responsibility. If you feel you're not up for the challenge, don't step up to the plate. She feels you're not giving her enough love.

 

I am a very sarcastic guy and have made the mistake in the past of making fun in a very non-malicious way and it has been wrongly interpreted. Then I got all upset because I knew I was only joking but my girlfriend didn't.

 

Take her in your arms. Hold her tight and tell her.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, this IS needy. A more secure person would be sustained by good recent memories and not need constant reminding, and her ability to feel it would come from HER, not from an outside source.

 

However, pointing this out to her is not likely to be helpful.

 

There may be food for thought here ... DO you belittle or mock her feelings? You need to be honest with yourself about this. If you realise that she may have a point, then you can obviously do something about this.

 

However ... I had a recent ex who told me that he needed to be able to voice his feelings without being met with a barrage of abuse and sarcasm. I was appalled that he thought I was doing this, and wanted to do something about it because I was completely unaware of doing so. I gently asked him if he could give me an example of a time when I had ... and he couldn't name a single incident. It took a little while before I realised that whenever I voiced MY feelings, I was met with a barrage of abuse and sarcasm from him ...

 

You need to be very honest with yourself about whether she has a point, or whether this is a very subtle attempt to control you and separate you from your friends and other legitimate activities. 'Be kind and gentle' is a demand, even though it doesn't look like it. And the rest of the message would actually suggest that she isn't easy to please at all, at least when your total attention isn't focused on her.

 

You may find it useful to give her a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', which details the need for space in relationships; actually, you may find some useful pointers in this for yourself.

 

I know how unsettling it is when you get something like this from someone you're devoted to and adore. Look honestly at yourself, to see if she has a point, and if there are things you're happy to do which would make HER happy ... otherwise, approach with caution ...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I’m easy to please.

 

No she's not... she's high maintenance. she wants you to fill her romantic fantasies, and 'separate togetherness' is nonsense for trying to convince you it is ok to be joined at the hip all the time while pretending like you're allowed your own space.

 

And what does 'mending her feelings' mean? She's responsible for her own feelings, not you.

 

If you are rude to her, or don't try to negotiate with her to make you both happy she has a beef, but otherwise it is not good for a relationship if she wants you to live in each other's pockets. For most adult relationships, you both will have other responsibilities and goals like work, school, friends, hobbies etc., some of which you do together, some alone, and some with other people.

 

So it is reasonable for her to expect you to stay in touch, call her once a day when you're not seeing each other etc. But to constantly hover over you is not appropriate, nor should she expect you to give up other friends and activities and spend time only with her.

 

She sounds really young and like she has a lot of schoolgirl fantasies of constant romance, so you need to try to get her out of that mode and into the mode of talking about what is upsetting her, then both of you negotiating something you're comfortable with. But if she expects you to fawn all over her constantly and keep her in cotton wool by not daring to enjoy things and people in addition to her, she's the one with the problem.

[Adge]

Can you be a little bit more specific? Me, I don't really like a lot of bull* * * * , and if someone annoys me, I tell them. I mean, no relationship's perfect. Like I told her, if I'm tired, I get grouchy and don't want to talk. It doesn't mean I don't love her, just I don't want to talk right then. I just feel like this is all coming from us not spending too much time together this week and me going home early on Sunday.

 

But if you can give me tips, I'd appreciate it man. My heart is in it and I don't want to lose her!

 

Buddy. You sound exactly like me. I become Mr Grumpy when I get tired. What you have to do is EMPATHISE!!

 

There are ways and means of doing it. Even if you don't feel like having a conversation when you're tired. Say something like "I love you but I am really tired right now, can we talk a little bit later?" or even better, get yourself out of 'Mr Grumpy' mode and just talk to her. I wish I had the same opportunity as you do. Take action before it gets too late!!

[jenm]

Thought I'd give a female impression...

 

Well, I'm a girl and I've felt sort of like that in relationships before. It sounds like she's just sort of insecure about how secure your feelings for her are, and wants some reassurance. Has she ever expressed insecurity before, and have you ever sort of brushed her off or made her feel like her feelings weren't valid? I feel like that's the kind of behaviour that would provoke that kind of email.

 

In my experience, once relationships start to get really "comfortable" (around 1 yr), guys tend to slack off in the affectionate/expressiveness department, and sometimes that can make the girl feel either like she's being taken for granted a bit, or like there must be something wrong because the guy isn't being as demonstrative as before.

 

If I were you, I'd be totally and completely open with her. Tell her that you love her, that you see a future with her, etc. And say her email concerns you because you don't want her to be unhappy. Specifically ask her what it is you're doing that makes her uneasy and what it is she'd like you to be doing instead. That's not to say you have to do everything she wants, but if you disagree, explain why you disagree. This sounds like the kind of "problem" that's really about lack of communication more than anything.

 

So...yeah, I think this girl is feeling insecure and sort of reaching out for reassurance that you really care about her and her feelings.

[UFGatorGuy]

I wouldn't say belittle. I dunno, like I said, I hate bull * * * * ters and fakers and liars. My last two gfs lied and cheated on me and hurt me a lot. I like someone to speak there mind to me and open up and I feel like my gf keeps stuff in. On Christmas, just to give one example. We exchanged gifts and it was great. We saw our families then later at night came back to her place to spend the night and be with each other. She was acting weird. I KNEW she was acting weird and she knew I knew because I kept asking her what was wrong and she kept telling me nothing was when it was so obvious something was wrong. So finally she tells me that earlier that morning on Christmas, she sent me a link to a blog where she uploaded pictures of our tree and the gifts I got her, and that she was upset because I didn't mention the blog or the pictures. But I never got the email! It went to my spam folder for some reason. So I got mad because instead of just saying to me "Hey, Seth, did you get my email to see my blog?" she just let it stew and fester and then lied to me saying nothing was wrong when it was obvious something was wrong.

 

I dunno. Being lied to and cheated on in the past makes me feel weird when I feel like someone who is close to me isn't opening up. There's a lot of times I feel like she doesn't tell me how she really feels about something because she doesn't want to disagree with me or hurt my feelings, and that is really annoying. I like a woman who can stand up to me, not one who isn't going to tell me when she is feeling a certain type of way. So in a way, the email is good because she is finally being honest about what she is feelings, but it angers me because I am just wondering why she couldn't just TELL me all this way before now.

[abitbroken]

I agree with jenm.

 

She COULD be needy - but maybe not. when you are together, do you treat her as if it is a "given" that she knows how you feel, and then treat her like one of the guys? A marriage, not to mention a dating relationship sustains sometimes on the little things. When you are together, do you ever notice when she does her hair differently? Do you hug her and kiss her like you are in love with her or do you give her the "buddy" hug?

[UFGatorGuy]

Yea, I hear you. Though I have to be honest, sometimes I can be an * * * * * * * . I really hate longwinded people or people who talk to just hear themselves talk or who talk about stuff I think is dumb (like the weather or their shoes). Sometimes I want to talk about deep stuff and she and I have done that and it is so good when we do, but then when she starts telling some long story about something trivial, I get annoyed and bored. I've hung up on her a couple times - I was drunk both times, but I know it was * * * * ty and I called back both times to apologize.

[UFGatorGuy]

Buddy. You sound exactly like me. I become Mr Grumpy when I get tired. What you have to do is EMPATHISE!!

 

There are ways and means of doing it. Even if you don't feel like having a conversation when you're tired. Say something like "I love you but I am really tired right now, can we talk a little bit later?" or even better, get yourself out of 'Mr Grumpy' mode and just talk to her. I wish I had the same opportunity as you do. Take action before it gets too late!!

 

OK, I understand that, but I feel like just answering the phone when she calls is telling her enough that I care. Like, when I am tired, I let everyone go to voicemail, even my best friends. I put away message up on AIM, everything. Unless I am dead asleep or busy, whenever she calls, I answer, even if I don't want to talk.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how much of this is me being a jerk and how much is it maybe compatibility stuff that needs to be worked out.

[UFGatorGuy]

Yea, I understand, but I guess for me, reassurance is more in actions, not words. She has a kinda bad family life, won't get into details here. But Christmas was never a big deal there and I got her a tree, so many presents, brought her to my parents (Christmas is a big deal with us). So for me, that's showing her I love her more than words can. Like, for me, if someone tells me their boyfriend smacks them but says "Oh I love you," I'm thinking that dude doesn't really love that girl. But if a guy goes out of his way to make his girl happy but doesn't have a lot to say, does that mean he doesn't really love her?

 

I think I just wish she'd be more open with me. To me, being closed off is a big turnoff and makes me think people are hiding something.

[Timebandit]

I need to feel secure. I need to feel loved constantly. Not in a needy kind of way.

 

.....

 

I’m easy to please. Be kind and gentle to me.

 

 

I do actually think she comes accross as needy. But it is hard to gauge whether she is needy in general or if she is just missing something in the relationship.

 

Yea, sometimes I'm just too tired to talk, but then she won't say anything either, and I'm just thinking, "What's the point of this conversation?" I love to get her little gifts, just random things, every couple of months or so.

 

Gifts and small surprises are great.

 

But remember, that it is often very important for women to express themselves by talking to another person (including their SO). As everyone else, she needs to feel that you are listening to her, accepting her and validating her. Being able to respond with empathy is what creates that special emotional connection between the man and the woman.

 

To me it seems that she feels that there is a lack of emotional connection between you.

[Adge]

Yea, I understand, but I guess for me, reassurance is more in actions, not words.

 

That's me again. This girl you want needs words.

 

My ex needed words. I found it really difficult, until I lost her and realised that it's not actually that difficult!!

[UFGatorGuy]

That's me again. This girl you want needs words.

 

My ex needed words. I found it really difficult, until I lost her and realised that it's not actually that difficult!!

 

Didn't it ever piss you off, though? She told me her ex was a writer, would write poetry to her and tell her how great she was all the time, but he was a player and he dumped her and got another girl pregnant. So she got all the words from him and they didn't mean * * * * .

 

Ah, this is really messed up.