pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Ok this might seem stupid but I need some quick advice on what to do. My ex and I are currently getting things back on track. He asked me to go to a comedy club tonight which I agreed to, but later found out that it was with one of his friends and his girlfriend. This usually wouldn't be a problem but I have been thinking about it and don't feel comfortable with it for a few reasons... I just feel like an idiot really. 1. I feel stupid doing a couples thing as we are not actually a couple so it feels like a farce. Esp as I don't know this friends gf, I could imagine her asking her bf about us and him telling her that we are not even together. 2. I can imagine his friend telling her that we're kinda off and on and he has dumped me twice, and me like an idiot just goes back for more. I don't know whether I have explained myself properly here. I just feel like a fool in these kinds of situations. Anybody got any advice? Thanks ](*,) Link to comment
ILikeHockey Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Maybe you could explain to your ex that you've thought about it, and that it makes you uncomfortable for the reasons you listed? And then make plans for another time/plans for tonight if he wants to blow off the comedy club and see you. That way, you get out of the uncomfortable situation, but your ex doesn't feel like you're not going because you don't want to spend time with him, or something like that. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I agree. I would tell him that you find it uncomfortable. Or in the 30 minutes find a date yourself! Go with a friend of your own even maybe? Good luck! Dave. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 hi thanks that would be a good idea but he has already bought the tickets Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Also does anyone think I am overreacting with this and making a big deal of nothing? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 It sounds as though you're getting uncomfortable about things that are only happening in your imagination. You've never met the girlfriend. She may be so besotted with her fella she hardly notices you; she may just not be interested; you said yourself that you don't know her, so you can hardly know what she's going to think. Often, friends of people with on/off relationships maintain a discreet silence, so the other guy may well not have a view on this at all. We often imagine that others are a lot more interested in our affairs than they actually are. It looks to me that you're feeling embarrassed about being out with him when you're not actually together, and that you feel like an idiot for 'going back for more' - that is a totally separate issue, and you need to ask yourself if it's a situation you want to walk back into. Regardless of what you imagine other people might think. My advice to you is relax, enjoy the comedy, and then take the time to work out what's happening for you IN REALITY. Good luck with all this - it sounds as though you're feeling rattled and insecure at the moment. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Also does anyone think I am overreacting with this and making a big deal of nothing? Nope, not at all Perhaps you can call another friend to come with you? Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks for all the advice. Nutbrownhare - that makes a lot of sense. Usually I don't even care what people think about me but for some reason this is getting to me a lot. I think I will probably go and see what happens. If she happens to ask me how long we have been together, I will tell her that we are not actually a couple. Get it out of the way with lol Link to comment
Adge Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Stop thinking and just go. You will probably have a really good time. If I was in your fairy shoes, I would go, but I'm not gay so there would have to be a really pretty girl around!! Just go!! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks Adge, that made me laugh Well I think I will probably go then. I did tell him that I probably wouldn't and he said he can understand, trouble is he thinks that it is because I don't know them that will make me feel uncomfortable. Should I tell him the real reason? Link to comment
Captain Cool Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Well, if you don't act like a couple then things should be ok...or you can ask the ex to issue a disclaimer to his friend and gf to prevent any potential awkwardness... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks. Thats the thing though, he does act like we're a couple and like a fool I just go along with it. He dropped me off the other night from a night out and tried to kiss me before I got out of the car, when I wouldn't he wasn't best pleased. He also got extremely funny when I didn't text him for a day (I had my reasons). And also he seems to panic if I don't text him for a few hours. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks. Thats the thing though, he does act like we're a couple and like a fool I just go along with it. He dropped me off the other night from a night out and tried to kiss me before I got out of the car, when I wouldn't he wasn't best pleased. He also got extremely funny when I didn't text him for a day (I had my reasons). And also he seems to panic if I don't text him for a few hours. It seems that this guy is giving you a lot of mixed messages - as if he expects you to be committed to him without any commitment on his part? This cannot be an easy situation for you, especially if you have feelings for him. It sounds as though your discomfort about being out with him this evening goes a lot deeper than just today's outing. You describe yourself as 'a fool' for going along with it, but there's no need to put yourself down. It might be more useful in the long term to look at what you're getting from the relationship, both positive and negative, and then ask yourself if this is what you really want. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 One step at a time I think, but I personally wouldn't reject all his advances otherwise he'll just end up getting fed up or become a nervous wreck. All depends on what you want I suppose... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 I think half of the trouble is that I don't even know what I want. I do want to be with him but he has caused so much hurt that I am finding it hard. Part of me thinks that it would be easier to walk away. Sometimes I am happy but other times I am on the verge of telling him that it's done with and to leave me alone. Nutbrownhare - I'm not really sure what is going on. I think there is some kind of committment there from him, as in we're not seeing other people and all that but I think that he wouldn't find it too hard to walk away at the first sign of trouble again and I am not sure I can risk that happening. If we are going to do this I need to know that he is serious about it and willing to work through problems and issues, but the problem I have with this is that even if he tells me he is I am not sure I can trust that as he has done it twice already. Just feels like he will always mean a lot more to me than I do to him. I say fool, because it just feels like his friends, who obviously know what happened in the past must be thinking what a stupid cow for being with him again after all he did. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 When you're ready, I think you guys need to talk. I have failed many times due to clamming up and not communicating properly... I am a bit of a plonker when it comes to emotional stuff and expressing how I feel even when I feel it. I've got to try and get that balance right. I hope you can! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah you are right. We had a "talk" the other night about some issues. I am not sure he could handle another one just yet. He is absolutely terrible at communicating. He thinks everything should just be perfect in a relationship with no issues or arguments. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 He is absolutely terrible at communicating. He thinks everything should just be perfect in a relationship with no issues or arguments. Yup. He sounds like me and probably a lot of other men! We don't like hassle and the nitty-gritty stuff. But if he loves you enough, he'll do his very best, you just probably won't see it!! If only I could creep in to a woman's mind for a day! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Haha do you want to swap brains? I would love to see how men work. It's beyond me! Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 go and have fun and don't worry about what some random girl thinks. she doesn't count, you do! just act like you're doing just fine. you don't need to worry about what they're whispering about. if it's you, it's because you look great and you're the most interesting thing at the table! Link to comment
catfish1199 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yea, the most important thing is to convince yourself that you dont care whether or not this is a date. Be the carefree, funloving girl that he fell for. If you are thinking about all of these scenarios where you think you look like a fool, it will show that you are insecure. You wont truly have fun and it will show. It will create a negative vibe. The single most important thing you can do is create a positive and fun vibe. If there is any talk about you between the three of them, after your strong showing, he will look like the fool. Shoe, you know that this is what got me into the position I am in. It is no different for you just because you were asked out. He wants to see what you feel like these days. Same as my girl I think. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 and for heaven's sake...... REPORT BACK EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED! LOL! Link to comment
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