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When it's been the worst

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So two years ago my ex and I split. We decided to take a break from each other because we were having problems. (No sex for 6 months and trust issues on her end.) We tried breaking it off three times but then finally managed to make it stick and she moved out. Not soon after I started talking to an old crush who was recently single. Long story short, the old crush and I met when I was her RA, when I came back to college she'd met someone and I ended up meeting my GF. We spent a summer drinking like fish and by the end it turned out my GF was only tolerating the girl for me...and then I wasn't allowed to see her. When I saw my old crush she and I went right back to the way it was when we first met. The next few weeks were filled with D&D with the Ex and some friends, and nights with the old crush afterward. A few weeks into the "break" someone asked me how I was doing and to be honest, I was the happiest I had been in over a year, and I decided to make it permanent. The ex found out about the old crush being rekindled and became pissed, and then begged me to kiss her, I refused. It got worse, I still refused, then she left pissed.


One night, after the old crush had left my ex comes over to get something. She shows up in the shirt in which I'd met her, a bra that was too small, a skirt and hooker boots...the bad part was we ended up having sex. She went over there to show me what I was missing and I'd fallen for it. I am going to fast forward this a bit now: the on and off sex continued for a while, she met other guys who would have sex with her but I still pushed her buttons all the while not dating her so as to stay open for the old crush (Who currently manages to make my life hell on a monthly basis.) she sent me e-mails begging me to take her back, and they made me bawl my eyes out, but I held steadfast and strong resisting and remembering the end of the relationship and how she made me feel. On top of this she ended up sleeping with my roomie one night...and then crawled into bed and spent the night with me...ugh.


Fast forward to Oct 2008. I had recently deduced that my ex was pregnant with someone's kid by stumbling upon her status update on facebook. This guy wants her to stay home and be a housewife...something she never wanted to do. (Although I have a sneaking suspicion as to what happened and why she wanted to.) I was set to go to (And possibly be an usher in.) a friend's wedding. I called my friend and she was freaking out because nothing would go right. I was talking to her about going to her place as I was going to replace my rommie, who had to be in a math class that he ended up skipping, when I brought up the idea of being dropped off at my friend's house and riding with her to the wedding. She told me that my ex and her bf were there and I immediately refused to go over there. I had two glasses of bourbon and headed out. I didn't think my ex would show up because she didn't show up to the joint birthday party. (My friend, the bride, is her old roomie and we have the same birthday. She'd invited her to our 3rd annual birthday bash and my ex had failed to come.) So when I found out she'd be there, I was naturally shaken. I get to the wedding site (Both ceremony and reception in the same hall.) and set stuff up. Forty minutes goes by and while I am sitting at a back table, I see my ex and I have no idea what to say. I said "Hi, how are you?" She responded with, "Good, how are you?" I said "Well." And that's all the conversation we had the rest of the day. I ended up heading over to the bar to get a scotch and a beer to calm my nerves. I had never been awkward around her and now it was too much to even see her. It was probably the knowledge of her pregnancy and the permanency of it all. But 3 months later I am still torn up. There are nights when I just cry because I think I screwed something up when it was a joint effort on both parties. We'd agreed that we were bad for each other. My battery is about to die, so I will jump to the question. Why is it that after two years I still find myself in these moods? Is it because I am craving the familiar?

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Wow, just... wow. Are you usually okay and then sometimes the feelings just hit you? But it isn't very often? If so, I'd say that's about normal.


I heard somewhere that you get your heart broken twice by a person. Once when you split up and again when you realize they are really over you.

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My mom played this country song for me once. It was about a man who meets an ex and realizes she was over him, it was painful. That's what I saw at the wedding, she was laughing and loving him and I couldn't take it. As for my feelings, that is the general problem. I am just fine and dandy and then I get horribly depressed and think that I did something wrong to her. My true feelings on the matter, or at least what I have been able to figure out thus far, is that I opened up to her in ways I had never done before and by finding someone else I am seeing that as a personal rejection. When my father asked me how I felt about seeing her happy with that man I honestly said, without thought, "Happy for her." And I meant it. I am over her. And there are just moments of loneliness but I cope with them by remembering the bad times with her and the pain in the ass a relationship can be. That's not to say that I don't get lonely, I just saw what I was and realized what I want to be. I know what I want now and rather than hitting on every girl that walks by I know that I am looking for a connection and an attraction. I have been trying to learn.

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