mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 long story short, love this man. he was cheated on by his exwife and basically ran from me after almost a year because he's afraid he'll get hurt. He ran and broke up with me in May and started "seeing" someone 8 states away just to have someone to get attention from that's safe, i guess. problem is he would get back or she would leave, and he'd be texting me. it's been on and off since then. i know he loves me, but i also know he's scared. in december, i gave him a "it's me or her" week to decide (incidentally ending on my birthday) and i didn't get an answer. a week after i should have heard, it was christmas, and he witnessed a tragedy and so it was an excuse to text me. i even saw him, only to walk away because "she" called. he looked so excited to talk to me and at ease around me. a few days before new years, a friend talked me in to calling him, but he was literally leaving right then, flying out to see her. ugh. i was crushed. well he came back some time this past weekend and he's been texting or calling every day. i had surgery monday and i won't be working for the next few weeks. i'm stuck at home and it's very depressing because i REALLY want him back. i know he has to have time to heal. i just want to be there when he's ready but i am not compromising myself. i want him to want me back the right way rather than just physically which to him, keeps his heart safe. i've talked to other guys and it never goes far because i know that it's settling and i refuse to settle. they're just not him. i'm lost. i've tried NC before. i just don't know if this is the time to do it. should i see what he wants? and if he goes the usual route, go NC? i don't care what i need to do, i just want him back. i'd never hurt him. he hoped i'd hook up so he wouldn't have to care anymore, but i haven't. Please please PLEASE help me! i can do anything with support. because i recently ditched a lot of drama that was clouding my life, i'm pretty much on my own to deal and it's SO hard! ask me anything. all i'm doing is ](*,)](*,)](*,)](*,) Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I am really sorry you are going through this. I find it odd that he ends things with you in fear of getting hurt only to start something with somebody else straight away. How did he meet this other woman if she lives so far away? Link to comment
SighSob Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 He's afraid he'll get hurt...? I smell a huge amount of BS. You don't run from someone you love because you're afraid to get hurt... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Also did he actually make the decision of either you or her after that week? Doesn't sound like he came back with an answer. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 shoe fairy- he met her through his company he was working for at the time (he was laid off in september) as they talked on the phone for business purposes so they decided to meet. and no, he never gave me a decision. justr witnessed someone die two weeks later and started talking to me again (because its common place for me to deal with the dead) because he was upset. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I see. I can understand that but even though he didn't make the decision between the two of you and give you an answer it didn't stop him from flying out to see her before new years so in my mind that would say to me that he chose her. I am really sorry if I have any of the information wrong and I don't mean to sound so blunt. It seems as if he knows you are waiting around for him while he goes off and does whatever he wants and that isn't fair to you at all. Yes he may be confused but I think the way he is treating you is disgusting but also understand that it doesn't lessen your desire to want him back. I think you should put your foot down once and for all. Go NC and not put up with this which obviously seems to be torturing you. He needs to make a decision one way or another. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 sighsob- two things i've learned... One: when someone thinks you're cheating, they're cheating. it was someone new and far away. recently we were arguing and he said he didn't want a relationship and i said then why are you in one!?!?! and he said that she was far away and that that was purposeful. Two: when i guy gets hurt, he wants to claim his masculinity back by running around. problem is this guy is deathly afraid of STDs so he can't do that. he flirts and sees how much attention he can get from a girl but won't actually hook up with her. he needs outside validation, BADLY. and he's talked to me about it a lot. this girl far away is young and stupid. she has no clue. honestly, she's younger, not as wise, and not mature. it's what guys want/need when they've been hurt: a girl that will totally live and breathe him. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 i sent a message reference the BCS game last night and got no reply. do i warn him of the NC? it drives him crazy when i don't answer. i know he'll start thinking i'm with someone else. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I would just do it and don't tell him. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers you enough to have to do NC. Let him think what he wants. We will all be here to support you through it Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 i honestly think he's scared i'll run around on him. he expected me to do just that in may, and i've kept to myself and haven't been with anyone and i think it totally frustrates him that he doesnt' have a real reason to break up with me. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Ok I'm a little confused, has he not actually broken up with you? Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 oh yeah. he did in may. he just keeps coming around. he won't totally let me go. its like he doesn't have a real reason. he just made up excuses... none of them really having anything to do with me. does that make sense? Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Yeah. It's like he is trying to keep you there in the background incase he decides to change his mind. It's not nice at all. How old is he? I think that if you want to put an end to it you have to be strong and show him that he can't carry on treating you this way. Either he will realise that is is you he wants or he wont, if he doesn't you win anyway because you will be ridding yourself of a loser and will be able to move on and find happiness with someone else. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 he's almost 29. he was in a relationship for 12 years and was always the caretaker. he's never been able to be himself and set out to do so. i've tried to be nothing but supportive. he was so bitter for a long time and has slowly come out of it. i think someone else on the board had it right. LC is near torture compared to NC. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 i emailed him and told him i wanted to talk to him. he responded that that couldn't be good but i said it would be fine. i have some things i want to say to him. then NC unless for some crazy reason, he agrees to try. Link to comment
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