Harder to make new friends with age???

[mariposa81]

I'm 27 years old, will be 28 in June, and in the last couple of years, I've come to the sad realization that I really don't have hardly any friends at all. I've often had bad luck with friends in the past (for example: my best friend from college just fell off the face of the earth when she moved a few cities away and NO ONE knew what happened to her...she just stopped calling and talking to everyone we knew for 3 years). The few people I do consider good friends, live in other states and have their own lives, own best friends, and at this point in our lives are starting to have their own families. We don't talk that often although I make a true effort to stay in touch. They often just don't return the call or when we say we're going to get together, a lot of them just flake out.

 

I have my own career and other things for myself (house, car, etc) but I'm not yet married and I live alone and am missing the companionship of just some really good close friends even though I've tried to do many things to make new ones (for example, join a yoga class, be social...etc).

 

I've even tried to get to know people through the few social friendships I have, but those people have their own best friends, their own "group" and it just doesn't seem like they're as open to developing new friendships. It's hard sometimes, because when I hang out with a group of people who are friends with one another to get to know them, they'll talk about things they've gone through in the past together or funny stories from years ago. I don't know anything about what they're talking about even though I try to engage in the conversation as best I can.

 

My older sister, who's 30 years old, has the same group of about 8 best friends she's had since college. They all live between New York and Washington DC, some in the same neighborhood within walking distance from each other. They get together for dinner (even though several of them are now married), parties, weddings, holidays...they've stuck together through the years. The other weekend, when my sister was really sick with a stomach virus, several of them stopped by to check on her, brought her soup and would stay with her. She has told me that the fact they're all still so close after so much time is rare and that I'm actually more normal than I think. That doesn't stop me from wishing I had at least a few close friends of my own.

 

I often get so lonely and would love to have a group of girlfriends with whom I can confide in. To have a "girl's night out" or have a sleepover if I'm going through a problem and need support. To have someone call me to get support from me, someone I can be there for. My cell phone rarely rings although I call and email others often in attempts to reach out. I would love for someone to consider me one of their "best friends" and them mine but that's just not the case.

 

On my way home, I realized that if I happened to get married in the next year or so, I don't even have anyone I could ask that's close enough to me to be a bridesmaid I mean, I feel like I'm trustworthy, caring, compassionate, attractive, kind, and outgoing, but I've really started to wonder if there's maybe something wrong with me.

 

Am I the only one who often feels like I have no friends? Does anyone else feel alone sometimes from lack of close friendships? Does anyone else feel it's harder to make friends once you reach a certain age because there are less opportunities to do so (for example, being in school where people are trying to make friends because no one knows anyone else)? Does anyone have suggestions as to how to build close friendships?

[looking_up]

Maybe its the types of people you reach out to, I actually found the opposite. I had 2 friends basically from 14 to 24 not one new one. But since my mid 20's I've found its way easier to develop friendships, I'll go out with a friend or coworker and their friends, then get invited to their activities and invite them to mine. But most of them are transplants from other states and countries, which makes a big difference (actually they all are - so i guess that's the key). I'm sure there's nothing at all wrong with you. If you don't connect with anyone at work you could try joining a club or taking specialty classes, better chance of meeting people you connect with that way.

[jettison]

As you get older, you can no longer make friends via school for the most part. So, you make friends via work and hobbies. You make friends wherever you find friendly people. It could be a housemate, a housemate's friend, there friends, someone you went on a bike ride with, someone you worked with, your florist, etc. etc.

 

Anyone can be a friend. However, if you aren't willing to reach out to them then it's harder to make and keep them. You also have to be willing to be a little persistent (not aggressive) sometimes. And it's true that momentum is everything. One friend beget another friend begets another.

[ncnc]

I too am 27 and I have no friends, I seriously have none. I am happily married, been together for nine years, no kids, so my husband is my best friend really, and I am really close to my family, especially my brother who is 22, he is our mate so when he organizes a night out we go with his friends-males and females. I have some of their numbers but we only have a txt relationship, txt every now and again never chat as we dont really have a connection! I just never connect with anyone and I am really sociable!! I feel your frustration!!

[jss1100]

I am 26 and have no friends.

 

My ex gf of 8 years left me 4 months ago. She was my best friend. Our small circle of friends became just her friends. I agree with it being difficult to make new friends. Hard to penetrate social circles. Hard to find people that are both interested and have time for you.

[Kinetics]

Age does not matter!

 

I tend to make friends mostly who are a few years younger than me, usually around my younger brother's age. Maybe because I am still feeling 'young' but I have no problem connecting with them. I have older friends too but they got families and kids so it's harder to see them often.

 

I'm not the type of guy who go to parties and instantly make friends with anyone. I actually work for it. I try to find something in common with them and form a connection from there. Connection is key...if you or the other person's interest/experiences are beyond your interest/comprehension, you just feel a disconnect and be indifferent about it.

 

Others are perhaps more talented...conversationalists probably pull off their magic tricks and keep people engaged regardless of having any commonalities...a social skill I'd like to have, even just a bit.

[beejcee]

how about considering being a big sister in the big sisters, big brother program?

 

i am a teacher and i see so many troubled kids that need an older friend. littles and bigs have all kinds of group activities where you could meet other bigs and maybe make a new friend.

 

i totally agree with you -- once you are out of school, making friends is much harder.

 

friendships require work, you might have to put yourself out of your comfort zone for a bit to meet people.

 

make it a goal to ask someone you know to do something with you -- window shop, go to Starbucks, take a walk, whatever.

 

good luck!

[mariposa81]

I actually do consider my 4 coworkers my friends. They're all married, 2 are expecting children (one of the two already has children). We sometimes get together for dinners out (their husbands often come too...they're also great people) and have an awesome time together, but there's only one of them that I confide in with personal things. She's over 20 years older than me though with grown children so I'm not able to really lean on her in the moment when I have a crisis like I would if she was my age and lived close. In addition, none of them live in the same town as me. The closest is 30 miles away.

 

When I do hang out with people that I meet through mutual friends, I try to connect through a common interest, hobby, situation etc. I admit that it often does introduce a new friend in my life, but that relationship usually doesn't grow into a close tight-knit relationship; often because that person has close friends of their own and as I previously stated, aren't as open to it.

 

My recent success at developing a bond with a new friend was recently sabotaged by her boyfriend, an already existing "friend" of mine. They've been having problems (of which I don't really know much about). While upset, she shared private details about their problems with his female cousin and I over New Year's. This cousin went behind her back and told him what she said about him. He confronted his girlfriend about it and to protect his cousin, he told his girlfriend that I was the one who repeated what she had said.

 

She called me very angry and I had no idea what she was talking about. I eventually got her to believe the truth: that I would NEVER betray someone's trust. That is NOT the type of person I am and I pride myself on the fact that I'm extremely trustworthy and would never share a secret.

 

Her boyfriend, my "friend" never even called to apologize to me for lying although he KNOWS I know he did.

 

I can't stand drama like this anyway (it's ridiculous), but I just hate that I lost a potentially good friend because my so called "friend"--her boyfriend--chose to lie about something I had nothing to do with.

[chigal28]

Mariposa, I was about to post almost the exact same thing, then I saw your post from yesterday!

 

You are definitely not alone.

 

I don't usually have a problem meeting new people, chatting them up, etc., but these connections don't seem to develop into lasting friendships. I don't want to "force" a friendship, and I know these things take time, but I feel like I used to be pretty decent and making friends.

 

But I took stock of my life today, and realized that I've drifted away from SO many friends over the past few years, and not made many new ones. I have a couple of good female friends, and my sister and I are close, but other than that...my friends from high school (the "six-pack", because there were six of us) and I still keep in touch sporadically, but we're scattered all around the country and I haven't seen most of them in years...my friends from college still live around here, but due to drama with some and just time and distance with others, it's not like it used to be...the women I see most now are two I used to work with, and one who's a neighbor.

 

My dad was in the military, so we moved around every couple of years...I wonder if I just never learned the "keeping friends" part of the equation?!

 

It seems like most people who bond and find friendships in their late 20's and beyond are getting together with people for playdates with their kids...maybe that's just my perception.

[Batya33]

I found it much easier to form close friendships as I got older - into my 30s -because i was more self-confident, didn't have any more need to be "popular" (the first company I worked at after grad school when I was 28 was like high school!) and I really came into my own . I met close friends through volunteer work, a women's networking group, work, friends of friends, a book club. I also was always good at keeping in touch - wayyy before the Internet or e-mail with good friends from high school, college, grad school and prior jobs.

 

I never really had the group of friends - I had different friends from different areas of my life. Sometimes I had that experience with a boyfriend's friends.

 

I did find that some people went MIA once they got married and/or had kids and I always found that sad. I also let certain old friendships fade because they chose to get narrower and kind of dull once they got married/had kids. I also got a little tired of always being the one to accommodate their schedules and travel to where they were even though I had more than a full time job, and was trying to date in order to also get married. A little tired - as I understood that it was hard to get time without the kids - but more appreciation in certain cases would have been appreciated......

[hope of ray]

younger friends can be teased and it doesn't matter whether they are the age of younger brother or sister .