Our Last Conversation - Please help interpreting passages

[BusyNAbroad]

EDIT AFTER TWO MONTHS:

Dear friends, could you please help me understanding the meaning of (at leaast some of) the passages I marked in red? It is vital for me. I don't understand the wordly meaning of them, perhaps you do. I don't want the bottom line, just understand the meaning of the content.

 

I would like to ask your help in interpreting the meaning of several specific passages in the following chat conversation. It was the final conversation with a girl with whom I was in long-distance contact since months, and took place right after the day we met each other in real life for the first time since years.

 

The only relevant background info of this story is that I had investigated on her long before she came to visit me, and found out that she had an affair with a married man who is 30 years older than her. She never told me and I never told her what I had discovered.

 

For some reason, I was so scared to talk to her after this conversation that we haven't spoken in a month. While I am not very optimistic about getting back with her, I would at least try to pinpoint what insecurities she might have had, or what she thought of me, so that I may use them in future or on a possible letter of apologies. To be honest I really understood very little.

 

During the entire conversation, I was somehow NOT on the same wavelength as her and didn't understand anything at all of what she said. While I was trying to give her the impression that I was cool and calm and understood everything, I was actually very confused and clueless – and it was the first time she ever spoke to me with that tone... I think I replied with words, but not with my 'heart'... perhaps that way we were talking about totally different things and even understood different things.

 

Me: How's everything?

Her: Too many thoughts... I feel my life is undergoing deep changes...

Me: Oh? How?

Her: I have to take many decisions...

Me: I know... changes require decisions... especially deep changes... if you feel like telling me, I'll listen to you.

Her: Well, you never tell me anything... so... there's nothing much to say

Me: You're right. What can I tell you for example?

Her: Shouldn't you know that?

Me: Let me just tell you... whenever you need, I'll listen to you. If you don't want to tell me, I just want you to take the right decision.

Her: Well, you inspired me... I thought you had a strong character. Instead, I found... I don't know... Yesterday, I didn't become silent for no reason. While traveling I was thinking. And today, too, I was thinking all the time. I draw the plans of my life.

She is referring to the day we met. During the last hour, she was very cold and didn't speak to me. I didn't understand what she meant by 'drawing the plans of her life'.

Me: I agree that you should draw the plans of your life... Would you tell me what made you think that you found... 'I don't know'?

She: I feel it. There's so many things you don't want to tell me. You always answer, 'You decide.' or 'I don't know'...

Me: What do you define as 'strong character'?

She: There is no definition. But you should know what you want. Perhaps I and you want different things.

I was panicking already here. What was she talking about?

Me: Who knows... What do you want? Do you know what you want?

She: Yes. I want to be the one drawing the plans of my life. I want a safe haven for my heart. Someone whom I can tell everything. Someone who tells me everything. I want to feel at home in big cities and train stations...

The last sentence was referring to the fact that I got distracted while searching for the bus and got lost on my own road. But I didn't understand the sense of the previous phrases.

Me: Tell me everything.

She: No. [This was the first time she told me 'No' during our entire relationship!] That's the way I am... I give what I have. And evaluate what I get. I am often taken advantage of. But the few times it goes well, I achieve joys you can't even imagine.

I didn't understand ANYTHING of this passage. Or at least, what it had to do with me...

She: I told you. And I see you having problems with speaking... This means that something's wrong. You know, life is about giving and taking...

Me: Perhaps what you say is true... Perhaps I acted too mysteriously?

Again, I was pretending to understand what she meant and guessed.

She: That's just the way you are. It's not your fault... Each of us makes an offer.

Meaning?!

Me: Wait. You know what? When you tell me these things... you help me understand many things. This might sound weird, but... I also sometimes had the impression that you were revealing me only bits by bits

I got defensive here. I didn't tell her what I was referring to. But I knew certain things about her without her knowing it. For example that she had an affair with a man 30-yrs older than her. I don't know whether she understood this.

She: I reveal what I feel like revealing. You behave the way you feel like behaving. But, in one day alone [ the day we met ] I asked you so many times to tell me, tell me. And you didn't want to tell me...

I didn't even know what she was talking about, but I wanted to calm down the conversation. So I just agreed

Me: True. Sorry, and thank you for pointing out. You know, I am just human, but I'll make the best of what you just told me right now. It's since ages that I wished you spoke to me like this, openly and trusting.

She: I always did. You are the one who doesn't! Whenever you asked me something, I always answered you...

This was true... I never directly asked her anything about the 30-yrs older man

Me: True... true...

She: F**k, you don't even know what you want to eat!

When we were at the restaurant on the day before, I just let her choose what to eat. I think she just mentioned this detail to scold me, but I was so panicky that I got defensive and started excusing myself for it... and started philosophizing...

Me: No. Let me tell you that when I wait for others to decide, I am genuinely interested in the choice of others. Actually, it is even a chance for me to discover something new and interesting for myself. When I say 'You decide!', I honestly decide to hear what the other person wants and consequently make my own decision.

Me: I also draw the plans of my own life. However, I like to taste new things as well. I like to be inspired by those I interact with, know them better, experience them better... When I let you choose, I honestly did so to know you better... [ I was thinking about the restaurant all the time. Now, however, I think she meant something else as well. I really don't know!! Perhaps this was something really crucial... Do you really stop liking me just because I draw the plans of my life using some of your colors?

She: I will never stop liking you. That would be so selfish.

Me: Also I will never stop liking you. Thank you for telling me all these things. Perhaps I'll learn how to transmit the feelings you need. We should really talk about these things openly.

She: I repeat, I always spoke to you openly...

Me: And I stick to the idea that listening to the other persons' choice doesn't exclude that their choice can be ours' as well.

She: I disagree. One makes an offer. The other makes a counter-offer. And then we decide, either one or the other thing. Or something in between.

What choice was she talking about???

Me: [philosophizing] Thank you for being open. I like it when you criticize me openly, instead of being silent.

She: I'll always do it! I am always honest.

Me: [cited a song] Thank you for being honest.

She: You're welcome.

Me: From now on, whenever I do something wrong, just vent out at me, immediately! I like to be beaten by you... Don't hurt me too much though

[a few seconds of pause]

Me: Thank you for this conversation. And thank you for coming and visiting me yesterday. You know... I forgot to tell you. I was so happy that you came. I felt a few tears dropping when you left...

She: Noooo ... It was nice seeing you again...

Me: However... a surprise is a surprise

I was referring to the fact that I always told her I have a surprise but never told her what it was... because I couldn't do it in time. I was planning to visit her.

She: You want to visit me.

Me: ooops...

She: You're bad at hiding. I listen to everything you say. All details.

Me: Ok, well, I admit I was planning to visit you on xxx day, but I had a problem and couldn't come...

She: Well, don't make certain surprises. I change plans in the last minute. Without a reason. Without any notice.

I thought the conversation was heading in a positive direction. But again she said something negative that I didn't really understand. Then there was a pause of a few minutes. None of us spoke. In the meantime, I was checking the Facebook wall of a guy who, according to my investigation, is an ex-lover of hers. And she had written to him, in the same moment while speaking with me, 'Damn! Man, I miss you : - (' That shifted my attitude...

Me: mmm btw what are you doing right now?

She: Thinking a lot. And studying.

Me: I am also thinking.

Then, I invited her for a webcam conversation, to which she didn't reply. Obviously I saw she was writing with her Facebook friends...

Me: Hmmm, very busy, are you?

She: Yes, I'm working.

...that got me angry, I knew she was lying...

Me: Anyway, if there is anything else... just tell me. It's hard to understand certain things via messenger and it's easy to misunderstand. I don't want you to feel bad just because of a few communication problems... But I fully understand you now... and other things that seemed to be a mystery to me...

She: Like what?... Or won't you tell me even that?

Me: This isn't the first time you were silent with me, right?

She: I often work while leaving messenger online...

Me: But sometimes I notice that you don't talk to me and update your Facebook status at the same time... I don't really know. The internet is a hard place to communicate. So...

She: So?

Me: You know, I always stay online at this time just because I like to talk to you : - )

She: Also I, the other times.

Pause. I kept reading her writing on that other guys' Facebook wall

Me: You're avoiding to speak with me, are you?

She: Damn it. No! I am just working now...

Me: Ok... hey, I'll go get some sleep. Good luck with your work : - )

She: Thank you : - D

She: Goodnight.

Me: Same to you.

 

That was the LAST THING WE TOLD TO EACH OTHER.

 

Perhaps I was too scared to talk to her after that conversation. It was so full of things without sense. I thought this was a kind of break-up and that she told those things as an excuse to do so. However, today I feel that some the things she said DID have a meaning... and perhaps it wasn't a 'break up'... perhaps she was just very frustrated and angry?

 

In any case, we didn't talk for a month. Even when I went online on Messenger (which I did only twice after this conversation), she didn't greet me (she's always the first one who starts a conversation with me), nor did I greet her.

 

She changed a lot in her online behavior: started adding random friends on Facebook, like hundreds of celebrities, put exaggeratedly positive status messages, more frequent Wall posts with the other ex-lover guy, etc.

 

I stayed and witnessed everything passively.

 

But I sent her a Christmas wish via phone text. She didn't reply. Also on New Years' Eve. She didn't reply.

 

What do you think made her so angry?

What were her insecurities, as far as you can understand from our Last Conversation?

 

Could you explain some of the passages that I didn't understand?

[nurse1986]

You guys don't want the same thing in life. You are digging way too deep into this. Wasn't this like months ago?

[savignon]

I definitely cannot speak for her (and doubt anyone would be able to)....the bottom line is it's time to move on.

[nurse1986]

She moved on...Maybe she was fed up with the long distance aspect of the relationship. Don't fault her for it, or yourself for that matter. It probably had nothing to do with you. Her decision to move on wasn't because of you. How many times did you guys meet? You guys hardly knew one another.

 

It's time to let go

[Crazyaboutdogs]

From what I can gather from that interaction is that she didn't get a sense you were totally into the relationship. She was hinting around things hoping you would take the bull by the horns and really move things forward. It looks like you dropped the ball on this one and that's why she gave up on you. Mind you, she did have a relationship with a married man 30 years older than her (so you think) so who knows.

[BusyNAbroad]

God... please... I know the bottom line is to "move on".... you've been telling me since months... it's almost the only thing you're capable of saying on this forum when it comes to issues like this. Automatic responses. I want her back, and I'll not give up until I've tried everything.

So far I tried NOTHING. That's the main problem perhaps...

 

But even if I can't get her... could you at least please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE help me understand what made it come to that point? Between me and her?

 

I don't know what she meant with "what I want".

 

I feel so stupid...

 

Please!

 

She was hinting around things hoping you would take the bull by the horns and really move things forward.

 

Do you have any idea of what exactly she meant?

 

For the sake of self-improvement... even if I can't get her back.

What is it that you think I did wrong.

 

Mind you, I wasn't myself the whole time... I couldn't see things clearly...

 

 

You guys don't want the same thing in life.

 

I really can't tell this because I wasn't myself!

I simply don't know what I wanted... Or what is meant thereby.

[BusyNAbroad]

bounce

any more interpretations? I really fail to understand the meaning of what she is saying...