After all this NC I want break it with a long email....any advice

[Maverick212]

For those of you who know my story, my ex broke up with me approaching 4 months now. and we have gone through many bad and good stages throughout it, mostly bad though. where she didnt want to talk to me or see me, and then became friends again, and then it became to hard and I didnt want to see her. To me begging and pleading. Now we are at point where we are on ok terms i guess, we are not really talking as it is winter break and all.

 

but she is leaving for Spain in a few days, and i have been writing down a lot of things i want to say to her, it's a very long email about the things i have realized i did that hurt her and caused the relationship to go sour, and also how i have been improving myself, seeing a therapist, working on my issues and becoming a better person. and that i have changed things about me for the better and that i still care for her and want to try again.

 

And i dont know if i should send it before she goes away, or while she's away, or send it when she gets back, or just not send it at all cause we do live accross the hall from each other at school so i will see her when i get back.

 

Any thoughts?

[civilservant]

What are your motives for sending the mail? Do you want her back?

[HopeArises]

C.

 

I'm going to bail out pretty soon man. Been helping you out at all hours of the morning and you're going to do what you want to do anyways.

 

You know the answers man. If you want her back, don't send it.

 

If you want to SEAL YOUR FATE, send it.

 

Good Luck C.

[jul-els]

Sending such a serious message to someone who is right accross the hall from you is demeaning to both of you.

 

If you're serious enough to say it, then you should be serious enough to say it in person. Otherwise, just let it go.

[Maverick212]

D,

 

I know man, i'm losing my mind over here, too many thoughts in my head. I just want o be on the level that you are on. and since i can't see her i want to do something.

 

probably a bad idea, but i feel like i need to do something, it's an awful feeling

[Maverick212]

yes i do want her back more than a lot, but the email is to let her know that if she does decide to give it another try everything i have been doing to improve myself and the realtionship are good changes that will be permanent.

[Maverick212]

jul-els

 

i cant do it in person, cause when i have tried in the past to talk to her about things, the words never come out right and we end up yelling at one another.

[Anon333]

I think you need more time to pass and need to try and get ove her and maybe find a different place to live so you arent right accross from her....Give things space and then if down the road you two are comfortable being friendly and things work out, then thats when you have a chance..Otherwise you will scare her with a sudden heavy email like that....

[HopeArises]

Don't you realize C that you not being able to get it together is what turned her off and is what kept her away? Bro man, you got to see that.

 

You want to get to where I am at? Do you think I got here by making all these declarations to her??? HELL NO.

 

You're not going to lose her because going away for a few weeks. GET A GRIP BRO!!

 

Seriously, she'll think you're a little desperate boy if you send it, NOT A MAN who she'll want to be with. It's all about YOUR NEED to EXPLAIN things she doesn't want to know anymore.

 

You're not creating ANY attraction, you're just killing whatever is left of it if you send it.

 

I gotta be honest, I'm not going to be able to give you advice until you start using your head again. You told me women aren't rational. BRO, you're not being rational right now.

[Maverick212]

Anon333, i would love it if i could live somewhere else but i'm stuck there. it would make things a lot easier. the only reason i consider this email is because when we were first in no contact i had written down a lot of things that were going on in my head. and when me and her finally spoke, she read it, and actually considered getting back together, but i screwed that up by pushing too much too soon.

[Maverick212]

I agree, i really i'm not being rational. I dont know why i get these crazy ideas in my head. and i write down so much crap. i just really miss her.

 

and i'd love to show her i'm different with my actions when we get back, but i'm so afraid that any attempt by me to hang out with her one on one will be thrown in my face, and she'll think i'm trying to get her back.

 

D, if you werent here talking me outa this, i probably would have went through with it.

[jettison]

I think that this is the worst kind of email you can send. It shows that you are focused more on her then you are about your own life. All you can do is live your own life for yourself. This comes accross like you are trying to do things that might appear pleasing to her in order to win her back. In other words, even if it wasn't true, it's likely to come accross as some type of brown nosing.

 

If your ex senses this in the least about your update then she will have only one response for you... pity. I'm assuming that's not the emotion you're after. Less is more, less is more, less is more. I know it's counter-intuitive, but again, less is more.

 

Think about the guy she is likely to hook with up next. She knows very little about this guy, and if she doesn't know him then he knows nothing about her and vice versa. And yet, they will meet, flirt, exchange glances and smirks, and then hookup.

 

It makes no difference if this new guy is working to improve himself, if he fits her life perfectly (even if he doesn't, she will provide evidence to herself and her friends to convince herself that he does), or if he's good boyfriend material. And yet, she will want him... bad.

 

All the things you're doing are pointless from that standpoint. They would impress your mom, or maybe a friend, or maybe your co-worker.... they may even impress your ex, but likely not from a romantic standpoint.

 

If you really want to impress your ex that convince her, beyond any shadow of any doubt, that your life will be fine with her not in it. If you can do this - and most can't - then at least the reconciliation is possible.

 

Do for you. Be a little selfish. Don't be petty. Be sincere. Be honest. ... if you can do this then it will serve two purposes. 1) You MAY be attractive to your ex again. 2) You likely WILL be attractive to someone new.

[Maverick212]

Jettison, what you say makes a whole lot of sense. that less is more. actually the first time we were in NC is lasted 3 weeks, until she said to herself that it was stupid and that she was going to come over and talk to me, but it didnt happen like that caused something happened that changed the outcome of that which i wont get into, but it still lead to us talking for 5 hours.

 

it sucks bc i hear her say that the realtionship would have worked if he didnt hurt me so much, and that she second guesses herself. that's the big reason behind the email, to show her that whatever her fears are that she wont have to worry about them if she gives it another try.

 

but again i still cant decide on what to do, i'll probably end up doing nothing

[gee]

Hey Maverick,

 

From experience (and I know everyones situation is different) I would not send a letter to her. Let me ask you some questions..

 

What are you expecting after you send this to her?

 

Would you be ok if she didn't respond after her reading the letter?

 

Is this going to make you feel better after you send it?

 

I wouldn't do it buddy. I know you might not want to hear it, but it's not a good idea. You guys aren't even talking. You guys go back and forth ignoring eachother and then becoming "friends" again. Don't do it man.

 

My ex and I when we were in talking terms for a bit she told me she was moving to another state for a job. I did the same thing wrote to her. I also met w/ her for dinner to let her know how much I loved her and the mistakes I made before she left. I thought at the moment it was the right thing to do. I'll tell you the outcome..I felt sick! UGH! She acted as if I said nothing to her as if I spoke to a brick wall. She told me she had no feelings for me. OUCH! Later, she told me she lied because she didn't want me to see her true feelings. Games!

 

Don't take my advice if you don't want to. Your ex is not my ex so who knows how she will react to the letter. If you are looking for a reaction from her though then don't do it. It's best if you say nothing at all.

 

This time apart will be good for the both of you. Let her fly off to Spain. Go NC until she gets back. Continue working on yourself. Make yourself better! That's the only thing that matters. You are going to see her agin you said, right? Don't worry about it.

 

Best of luck to you my friend! Everything is going to be alright regardless.

 

gee

[Maverick212]

Thanks Gee, i really appreciate that. It's nice to hear that every once in a while.

 

to answer your questions.

 

My expectations in sending the letter to let her know that i contributed a great deal to the relationship going bad. I just want her to understand, and i'm not the assshole she thinks i am sometimes or selfish

 

I actually am sure i wont get a response from her but i thought that too with the flowers i sent, although it was only about 5 words. Honestly i dont need a response, just knowing she read it would be enough

 

i dont know how it's gonna make me feel. i'll probably regret as soon as i send it, i beat myself up over it. if i dont i'll be debating it all break.

 

the thing is i dont want her to feel like she can fall back on me whenever she wants to, but i dont want her to think it wont be different if we try again

[justletgo07]

I wouldn't do it man. It's normal to believe "If she only knew how I feel and what I've realized...," but it never works that way. People are only moved by those things when they come to the realization on their own. She's read things like this from you already, and she acknowledged that it was very mature of you, but also remember, your behavior hasn't changed all that much, and that's what counts.

 

I know you say you don't need a response, but take a minute and think about why you are sending it. You wouldn't be sending it to her because you care about her, want her to be happy, or care about what she wants (although I know you do). You're sending it to her because YOU want her back...or put simply...for YOU. That is what she is going to see. She has responded negatively in the past when you've come on so strong...and I'm afraid she will again. The more you persue her, the more she is going to feel like you don't care about what she wants or how she feels.

 

I doubt she thinks you are an * * * * * * * . In fact, I think she cares about you a great deal, but that your behavior probably makes you appear selfish or focused too much on your own feelings to see how she's feeling. You've just put too much pressure on her bro, and your best bet is to let go. Imagine your relationship with her as a bar of soap: As soon as you start holding on too tight, it will slip through your fingers.

[Sn0man]

From my own personal (and embarrassing) experience, I learned quickly that you should always write a long letter to your ex - say everything that's on your mind, everything you never said, everrything you're feeling; then burn it.

 

If you've already written the letter - print it off then hide it somewhere for a month or two - believe me when I say that the next time you look at it with more rational eyes you will thank the heavens you didn't send it.

 

Best thing to do is button up and let her go. Long emails come off as weak and begging and aren't received well at all.

 

In the end, you'll do what you want to do, but don't say you weren't warned.

[Maverick212]

justletgo07, yea i believe that too in most cases that it wont matter how much you say to them it's your actions that matter. and i even addressed that in the letter where i wrote all those things before and then my behavior sucked right after it and i pressured her.

 

most of the letter is about her and how i don want wants best for her and how she deserves the best. i mean it's pretty long nearly 4 pages, i am afraid it will scare her off totally though.

 

but she always gives me and everyone else different stories about what happened. once it was that it's just not there any more, another it's that it would have lasted if i didnt hurt her, and another is that if i paid more attention to her religious views. and all her friends that talk to me tell me she is immature and she doesn't get it. and they believe that she doesn't even know herself.

[Maverick212]

SnOman

 

i actually had a friend tell me tod the exact same thing, that it's good to get it out but never to send it.

 

no clue what to do yet. on one hand it may open her eyes a bit and see that i am genuine, or it may just piss her off totally and make her hate me, and then i'll be at square one again.

[Sn0man]

it may just piss her off totally and make her hate me, and then i'll be at square one again.

This is the most likely outcome, based on my own experience. It's just not worth it.

 

I understand the need to say all these things to your ex -it's like you have unfinished business. But you're only hurting yourself by doing it.

 

Good luck,

Sn0man

[Maverick212]

Heres another hang up of mine regarding this. like i said before when she read that first note or whatever in the hall, things were better than they ever were after that for a shaort while and she was actually talking to me and we were texting a lil bit back and forth too. So, thats what i'm hoping this one will bring as well, cause this one is no nearly pathetic as that first one, i made sure of that.

 

and also, her best friends who are on my side with this and really fed up with her BS, will vouche for me on this. cause i know my ex, she will tell the both them about it, ask what to do about it, and if i know them like i think i do, they will tell her she's being dumb and that she should talk to me, but then again i could be wrong. it's tricky

[justletgo07]

I'd use extreme caution talking to her best friends. That has the tendency to completely blow up in your face.

 

She may ask her friends how to respond or what she should do, but you need to remember that no one, not you, not her friends, not even her family, can make her feelings for you return or make her want to be with you again. Her friends may think she is being dumb in this situation, but she may interpret the whole situation as her closest friends turning against her and you siding with them. That's not going to turn out well for you.

 

Just be careful.

[jul-els]

jul-els

 

i cant do it in person, cause when i have tried in the past to talk to her about things, the words never come out right and we end up yelling at one another.

 

Then maintain your dignity and keep it to yourself. It's a tired cliche, but sometimes silence really is golden.

[Maverick212]

ugh, this really sucks, there is so much i want to say to her, but i'm afraid it wont make a difference.

 

i know i cant make her like me again over night, i'd just love the opportunity to be able to hang out one on one with her. i'd love to pick up my cell right now and call her and be like "hey i'm gonna be on long island tonight, lets meet up" i fear she always thinks i have some sort of hidden agenda

[Maverick212]

could i do this act without her actually seeing it as threatening or no??? or should i just let her go, and wait till she gets back next semester?