Should I just let him go?

[bailey11]

First of all I'm new, not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum. Sorry if it's in the wrong place!

 

Back last year I was in hospital. I had a cyst in my ovary which burst, was quite seriously ill, ended up losing the ovary and was told I'll probably never be able to have children. I had a few emergency operations, during one of these operations my heart stopped. Spent over a month in hospital and was quite seriously ill. Then around the time I was in hospital I got together with this guy I'd known a while. Everything was really good. I'd spent a lot of time thinking no one would ever want me or love me because I couldn't have children but he knew this and it wasn't an issue. He made me feel special and loved.

 

Was all going well up until the end of December. My bodies been a bit funny since the operations and I hadn't had a period in a while but thought nothing of it. But then I started being sick, was just feeling quite ill and my mum asked if I might be pregnant. Didn't think so because we'd always been careful except for one time where we had a bit of an accident. Was quite ill before Christmas and went to the hospital where I found out I'd had an ectopic pregnancy. Still everything seemed OK with my boyfriend. He was there for me. Was given an injection just before Christmas which should have stopped it. Went back last week and it hadn't stopped so needed an operation.

 

Boyfriend was at the hospital with me that day. I was a bit of a wreck feeling like I'd lost the only chance I ever had of being pregnant and becoming a mum. But I felt safe having him there, knowing things were OK. Came home from hospital the next day and since then things have been funny with him. He's been really distant and I'm struggling to get in touch with him. It's been breaking my heart. Think my hormones are a bit messed up at the moment anyway and just really need him there to make me feel like everything will be OK but he's not anymore. I spent the whole of last weekend sat in my car crying on my own, needing him but not being able to get through to him when I ring and he wasn't answering my texts either.

 

Finally managed to get through to him last Sunday after I'd asked if this was his way of telling me it's over and he said he'd been feeling a bit torn. His best friends mum hadn't been well and he'd had to be there to help him out and thought I'd be OK because I had friends and my parents around. I was OK with this, was glad he was OK and was really glad he'd text me. But then same thing started over again.

 

Yesterday I went round his, spent the day there watching films then we had a chat. But I was desperate to keep things normal, I wanted to feel like things were as they used to be. But he'd told me his mum had miscarried a few times before she was pregnant with him and he's been blaming himself for what's happened to me. I told him it couldn't have been his fault. We had this explained to us at the hospital, it happened because of the damage in my body. But I'm tried explaining it to him and he doesn't believe me, he's convinced it's down to him and I can't get him to change the way he things. His mum came home yesterday afternoon and said she'd like to have a chat with me if I was still around in the evening. But then by the time she'd come home that night we'd both fallen asleep and she'd gone to work by the time we woke up this morning.

 

Before I left this morning he said to text me because he was gonna be at home all day, he hasn't been well either. But I've text him three times today and no response. Now I'm wondering what his mum wanted to talk about and maybe she was my only hope of getting him to realise what happened wasn't anyones fault. But I don't know what's going on in his head. Why's he being distant like this, why doesn't he seem to want to talk to me anymore

 

I have to go to the hospital tomorrow and really need him to be there. I love him so much, think I love him more now than before this happened. And I need him, I'm desperate for things to be the way they were but I don't know if this is his way of telling me he can't handle what happened and doesn't want to be with me anymore, I don't know what's going on and think that's what's really getting to me. Feeling like I've lost something I really wanted then on top of that I'm wondering if we're even together anymore, if he's going to bother getting back in touch with me, if things will be normal again. I've text but no response today, this is the first day in about 6 months where I've heard nothing at all from him.

 

Am I being too needy? Do I give up, get through this on my own and stop trying? I don't know. I want to text him again, to force him to answer but... if that's not what he wants then I have to get used to that at some point don't I?

 

It's just killing me, I'm struggling to cope with this at the moment anyway but feels like he's the only person to make this OK, doesn't feel like he's going to be around much longer to support me though.

 

What do I do? Leave him alone and wait?

 

Sorry this is long just could do with some advice right now. Thanks

[purple frog]

So sorry you've been going through so much. It does sound as if him blaming himself is the reason for the way he's been acting recently, and I'mnot sure what else you can do to make him realise that nothing he has done could possibly have caused the ectopic. Are you going to hospital for something related to that tomorrow? Maybe you could have a word with the doctor while you're there (if he'll go with you) and ask him/her to explain exactly what causes an ectopic pregnancy - maybe coming from a professional he'll realise that nobody was at fault.

 

I don't think you're being too needy at all - this is a time when you do need his support, and to be honest I think he's being unreasonable not being there to give it to you. Yes, he might be hurting too but it seems as if he is only thinking of himself right now. I'd send him a text just reminding him that you're going to hospital tomorrow and ask if he would come with you. I think any talking needs to be done in person, so if he does come maybe you could spend a few hours together afterwards.

 

I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow - is there someone else you can take with you if he can't come?

[savignon]

I'm sorry you're hurting physically and emotionally. I think it's a shame that he decided to 'be there' for his friend rather than you. I wouldn't cut him too much slack. Whatever he's feeling (guilt, shame, sadness), you're feeling too and it's not really a good excuse to bail. I like Purple Frog's idea to ask him straight up to go with you...on the phone. Texts are sometimes a way to hide and don't hide from this or from him. Straight out tell him what you need and want from him and see if he steps up to the plate. Maybe this is a sign that he's not cut out for the hard times and you'll have to decide if you're interested in mending this and if he is.

[bailey11]

Yep, the hospital is for that.

 

I text him yesterday lunch time just asking if he was OK because he hadn't been well the day before. No reply. Then I tried again last night saying I was worried about him was he OK and that I had to go to the hospital today. No reply again. Spent the night up and down worrying about him, what I'd done wrong, going over everything in my head. Then I got a text this morning just saying "yes". I've tried ringing him over and over but he doesn't answer. I don't want to feel like I'm annoying him. If this is his way of telling that's that then maybe I should just leave him to it. I would really like some kind of answer though even if it is just to say he can't handle being with me after what's happened. It would hurt but at least then I'd know. But I can't even get in touch with him anymore to ask him that.

 

I've just given my dad a lift and on the way home I passed his office. Saw him in the car at a junction and he'd slowed down to let me pass. He hadn't missed me and I waved at him but he couldn't even look at me, it was like waving to a stranger. It's killing me. Everything was brilliant before New Years eve. Don't get what's changed. I keep going over and over the time we've spent together, what I could have done or said to make him act this way but I can't think of anything.

 

I swore to myself this morning that was that, I wasn't going to bother texting him anymore, I'll go to the hospital on my own this afternoon and I'll have to wait to see if he comes back to me. But it doesn't feel like it. I've just text saying I passed him in the car, didn't he even notice me or something? Doubt I'll get a reply though Hate this feeling like I've lost the two things that were most important to me, there was nothing else I wanted.

 

Think I just need to let it go now don't I? I might never know, just have to get used to that

[bailey11]

I'm confused now. Earlier on just as I was giving up he text saying he'd been in bed ill. OK, fine I thought, that explains why he hasn't been replying or answering, maybe he was just asleep. Then he rang asking if it would be OK for him to come to the hospital with me this afternoon which he did do. Didn't really have much else explained to us though and he didn't ask any questions. He's gone home again because he's ill and now I'm left wondering how long it's going to be before this all starts up again, trying to contact him but getting nothing back. Wondering if maybe I am just being paranoid. Things seemed OK when we were together earlier and when he text, wondering if I'm just being nasty to him because I'm not sure what else to do. But maybe that could eventually push him away anyway.

 

Not sure if I'm overreacting or if I have the right to feel the way I have. I only want things to get back to normal, wondering if or when that's going to happen.

[bailey11]

Bit of an update.

 

I'm an idiot I really am.

 

Spent the whole day again wondering why he's not replying to my texts or phonecalls. Wrote a letter to him this afternoon telling him I love him blah blah and dropped it through his letter box. Still no texts or anything though. Then I was on MSN this evening talking to a friend about it and wondering what I can do next. Looked on facebook and found him. Find out he's with another girl, updated his status on there at the beginning of the week and I've just realised all the friends he's got on there I never heard of, knew nothing about.

 

I'm an idiot. I don't know how long he's been with this girl. While I've been breaking my heart over a baby that never could have survived and loving him and hating myself because he hadn't replied to my texts or anything he's been with this other girl.

 

I'm in bits and don't know what to do now. I loved him so much but clearly none of it meant anything to him. I don't even know how long he's been with this girl

[kerry123]

I think sometimes when something very bad happens to someone that they care about, some people just freak out and can't handle it and have to totally distance themselves from the situation because they are hurting so much.

 

It is possible that this is happening here. I know there seems to be another girl involved but at the moment this could just be a way of him handling it, taking his mind off it. I know its a really * * * * ty way of handling it but i think some people do just handle very emotional situations by totally distancing themselves from it and distracting themselves from it i.e. possibly by him taking up with this other girl.

 

I think its early days. If u really think u want to be with a man who potentially goes of the rails each time the two of you encounter a very emotional situation, but he has other good qualities then i would do no contact and see what happens.

 

sorry you are hurting and sorry you are having to handle this on your own, when i read your last post i just felt like i wanted to give u a big hug. Life is so * * * * ty sometimes

[bailey11]

I don't want to be with someone like that. I text him last night saying I knew about this other girl and thanks for making me feel like a fool. I don't want any more contact with him but I did expect some kind of phone call or even a text just to say he was sorry. But nothing. Makes me feel worthless like I've lost everything. I've been awake all night going over everything in my head, all the times I spent with him, everything I went through being with him. I believed in him, I thought everything he'd said to me was true. But I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't even know how long he's been with this girl.

 

Sort of feel relieved because at least now I know what's wrong, I couldn't keep that up anymore wondering every single day if we were even together, if he was going to text or ring or something just to let me know he's OK and he's there. I know now. I should hate him but can't. It's rubbish

[xshaunawx]

Bailey11 can I just say I feel for ya alot considering you've been through so much.

 

Honestly I don't feel pity but admiration for you! I've had alot thrown at me in my life and I hate people feeling sorry for me! I'm not a pity case and neither are you! You seem like a very strong person who knows what she deserves but settles for less because she lets her fears take over and is terrified at the prospect of having to deal with things on her own! I get how you feel really I do so I don't mean for this post to sound like I'm being mean coz I'm really not trying to make it sound like that! I truly admire you and you should be so proud of yourself for having all the horrible nightmarish things happen to you and you know in your heart you'll come through the other side of it! I believe it's not the **it that's thrown at you that makes you who you are but it's how you deal with it! You'll be ok I'm sure of it! Don't let your fears drive you.

 

Reading your post was very strange for me because it was as if someone got into my head and put all my feelings down on paper! I so get where your coming from! Your heart jumps when your phone goes off or you get a lump in your throat when a song comes on the radio that reminds you of him and even though he hurt you when you think of when you and him kissed or had good times you smile and wish you were still there. And no matter how much he hurts you you'l be the first to defend him if anyone spoke bad about him because they didn't see the sweet kind gentle person that only you seen. But is he still worth it? Is he worth waiting for? I know that every fibre of your being is screaming at you to forget him and not to shed another tear over him but your heart pines for him! Just this once don't listen to your heart and listen to your head. If you let him go now it'll hurt like hell for a few weeks maybe a lil longer, which sucks I know, but if you hang on hoping that he'l come to his senses, when he's not the right guy if he's gona do what he did in the first place, it'll hurt alot more for alot longer. Don't prolongue it just let it go.

I was with my ex for 2 and a half years! He was my all and everything we were so in love and he helped me face some of the toughest times in my life and he was right by my side through all of it until one day he picked me up from work and he started crying! He started a new job a couple of months before hand and a girl I went to school with worked in the same place! They became good friends and she was going through a tough time and because my ex was such a caring person he was there for her. All the while I was encouraging him to be her shoulder to cry on because I trusted him. Long story short he ended up sleeping with her in his car on the very seat I was sitting on when he told me. My whole world crashed around me and I couldn't believe it. That was this time last year.

I stayed with him and a month to the day that he cheated on me he broke up with me because he ''wanted to be his own person and wanted to be on his own for a while''. Again I was devastated I couldn't let go of us and couldn't even think of life without him!

I got through it and a year on I'm a lil heartbroken over a guy I was seein for 8 months and I let myself fall for him. This guy drives me crazy! He's gorgeous, funny, charming, sweet and very smart but he doesn't know if he wants a relationship right now and I settled to see him whenever he wanted which meant it was suiting his needs rather than mine and I got sick of settling for less than what I deserve coz I woke up one morning and ask myself why shouldn't I have exactly what I deserve. I'm not big headed or a diva, I don't want to be brought out to expensive restaurants or be lavished with expensive gifts. All I want is affection and cuddles and someone to be there for the good and bad times and I think I deserve that much because I'm capable of giving the same back.

 

Sorry it's so long and pretty much about me but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one that's felt the way you are right now so you're not on your own. I thought my ex (the first one) was the only guy I would ever fall for and the only one I would ever want to be with but I found another guy who made me feel something for him I didn't think I could.

 

It wasn't that your ex was too good for you, You're way too good for him and that probably scared him sensless. The opposite to love isn't hate it's indifference. Not taking the time and using up your energy having any feelings for someone is far worse than hate. You want a guy that's there for you because he wants to be not because you need him to be. You've gotten through so much already and as soon as you realise that when you do it on your own you'l still be ok then you'l find a guy that wants to be there for you through the laughter and the tears and you won't be lost if it doesn't work out coz you know you can stand on your own two feet and then no guy can do that to you again.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope that you keep well.

 

Very sorry it's so long but I hope I got the message accross.

 

Don't forget you should never settle for anything less then what you deserve and stop making excuses for people when you can't justify it yourself. You'll find the one eventually you just have to get through the bad eggs first so you can appreciate him better that's all.

 

Stay safe. xxx