My fiancee' my life ended

[Al B]

On December 10 at 10AM I received a call from my fiancee's friend that my Kristen had died. Her mother and I are waiting for the toxicology report but all signs point to a possible death by combined drug intoxication. She was not suicidal and was happy at midnight talking to her mother about the ring I was going to buy her for our engagement. She suffered so much pain in the last six years of her life from two accidents that broke up her little body. She was hit by a drunk driver who fled the scene that broke her back, neck,leg and elbow. She took a lot of medication to aleve the many pains she had, a couple years later she was having trouble with night terrors that led to a sleep induced flight from an imagined killer when she ran through her second story window and fell 30ft onto concrete. She again smashed her body to bits and was lucky to live through it. The medicare funded doctors would dispense meds and from what I am learning did not check the interactions between the 8 plus prescriptions she was taking. I really think that this led to have her breathing stop and death.

All of the investigations still doesn't bring my Kristen back. I miss her so much . She had such a kind heart. She would take her own money at Christmas time and make sandwhiches and cookies and go feed the homeless in Seattle Wa. She was a safe home to all children in need. She had a baby she lost in her 20's and wanted a child so bad but had complications that led to a hysterectomy. She was so wanting to marry me and share my daughter with me. I cry so hard at times I can't even breathe. I have never had a person so express her love for me in my life. I have a doctors appt today to try to find some way to help me . I feel like I am letting my family down by not just getting on with my life and not talking about it anymore.

Dagless thank you for the recommedation of starting my own thread. I just hope that others will help me as they have you.

Allen

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am very very sorry. It sounds like despite all the pain your fiancee went through, she had a very big heart. Losing the one you love is very very difficult and there is no set time frame for you to heal. Take the time you need. You are not letting your family down...you need to take care of yourself as well...you need to go through the grieving process. I am sure they understand.

[jengh]

Oh, Allen... I am so so sorry Nothing I can say will make it better, I know... but I am just so sorry. It seems like the best people are taken from us so early and it just isn't fair. Kristen sounds like she was an amazing person and her legacy will live on in others forever.

[arwen]

I feel like I am letting my family down by not just getting on with my life and not talking about it anymore.

 

Well, this is not even a month ago, I doubt that anyone expects you to get over the loss of your love so fast... I am sorry man. I hope that they will soon be able to tell what caused her to die. Maybe that will give you at least SOME comfort.

 

Please take the time to heal from this and don't think about what 'should' be the time frame in which you start to feel better. This is a very very hard thing to deal with, and a big loss. It's a good idea that you will see someone to guide you in the grieving process. I am sure things will eventually get less raw and life will not seem so dark.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[KG]

Allen,

Having lost my wife, I can tell you truthfully that at this point, you are not letting anyone down. There is no timetable for grief, it's your timetable.

 

You will have a lot of emotions coming to the surface, but that is normal....it's how your heart heals. It's natural to fall apart, get back up, and fall apart again.

 

I cannot remember clearly the first few months after it happened. My mind was a mess...everything was a blur. But I do remember laying on the floor crying a lot. Eventually not so much, and after that, hardly at all.

 

I'm glad you've got an appointment with a DR., it's what I had to do also. He put me on mild A/D's, so I could grieve and function.

 

My best to you...the people here were my best support, so you should know you are in good hands.

 

Good luck friend,

KG

[Dagless]

Allen, I'm so sorry ((hug)). You are not letting anyone down by feeling the way you do, you feel how you feel there is no crime in that. Just take each day as it comes don't think about moving on or getting on with your life just now. Be good to yourself and allow yourself time to feel everything you have to.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im so sorry for you

 

She sounds like a wonderful beautiful person

 

Stay strong *hugs*

[TechResQ]

What a tragic, sad story. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.

 

Remember to take the time you need to grieve, as the others have said, there is no time table.

 

God Bless.

[alli]

I'm so sorry.

 

No one is expecting you to move on & get over it, especially so quickly. I'm sure she will be in your heart forever.

[nurse1986]

I don't know how you feel, but my prayers are with you and your family.

 

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[Lucid]

Im so sorry for your loss I can not imagine how bad you feel right now but its all normal and take it at your own pace one day or even one hour at a time to help you get through.

 

Your in my thoughts

x

[raining.stars]

I have never had a person so express her love for me in my life. I have a doctors appt today to try to find some way to help me . I feel like I am letting my family down by not just getting on with my life and not talking about it anymore.

 

 

Al much love to you. Your and your fiances love sounds beautiful. Grieving takes a very long time and is a slow process, so go easy on yourself, it has only been a month, it takes a long time for the mind to adjust to something like this, it is like you have to learn a new set of rules for living and coping without the physical presense of your fiance whom you loved so much. Not only do you have to learn this but you have to live through the emotions of this grief. I think we always think we have to "get on "with things, not let others down, but you will be letting yourself down if you don't work through the feelings of grief, because those feelings have to come out sometime, worked through and expressed . Do it all at your own pace, it may take a year or many years, but right now Dag is right you just have to get through this moment. The most important person right now to think about is you, because grief is very taxing to the mind, body and soul.

 

Grief is different for everybody and like KG said there is no timetable. I know it helped me to read up a bit on the stages of grief and how different people grieve to understand what I was going through. Another thing that helped was a grief journal, to write it all down when you may feel you can't talk to anyone else. Also keep posting here. Because there is no way you should be acting. Sometimes all you can do is survive each moment.

Thinking of you

[kuiks8]

I am so sorry to hear your story and what you are going through.

You will find a beautiful supportive sub committee of people here on ENA who have endured similar things...and from what i have seen they really take care of each other. I hope you find some support in their care.

 

Blessings and prayers...

[Al B]

Thank you all for your selfless encouragment.

I have decided to take a couple weeks off of work. I hope this time will give me chance to reflect and accept the feelings I am going through and to develope some coping skills. I am looking into a couple local bereavment support groups. This site and reading the many postings has helped me alot. My cat's must think I am nuts because out of knowhere I'll just breakdown and cry.

On my way home from visiting Kristen's mother last night, I was driving down the highway when what looked to be a low flying bright greenish light flew diagonally accross the sky in front of me. Almost like a flare but flying straight and fast and then was gone. At the time I was playing Kristen's favorite Marvin Gaye CD and thinking about her. I believe it was a piece of meteor burning up. All I know is that at that moment I felt like she was sending me a sign from somewhere. I actually smiled thinking it was from her.

[thejigsup]

If you do not grieve for one who you loved and who loved you, then you have no heart or soul. Do your grieving as long as it seems appropriate for you. This was not a breakup, this was a death. BIG difference.

[raining.stars]

Hi Al,

I am glad you are joining a bereavment support group and taking some time out from work. Don't be afraid to cry, those waves of emotion can come without warning! I am imagining the cat stunned *lol*!

It is amazing how you saw the flare, it is a beautiful moment.

[raining.stars]

If you do not grieve for one who you loved and who loved you, then you have no heart or soul.

 

I think some people are afraid to grieve, it doesnt mean they dont have a heart or soul, but they get stuck in the denial stage which I think causes more harm in the end than going through the process of grief. Because I truly believe that doing your "grief work" will eventually bring some kind of peace and healing.

[Al B]

Again thank you to the preceding posts of help. Today it has been one month since Kristen passed. I want to hold her so bad it rips me apart from the core. I know that she would want me to continue in life and find happiness. But I can't see beyond the hurt right now. Maybe once her mother and I have packed up Kristen's belongings and moved her mother away it will be easier. Right now every roadway,store,restaurant and location reminds me of her. I awoke this morning thinking she called out my name. I looked over and had a hope that I was in a dream and she was there. I want her back so bad. I hope someday that I will be able to be one of you that have lived the pain and went on to help others. You are all very special people.

Thanks with all my heart.

Allen

[raining.stars]

^^ Hugs to you Allen, just take it moment by moment, those first few months are the worst. I know right now the pain seems endless but it will lessen in time.

 

Thanks for the kind words Allen, you are truly special too. Replying to posts and relaying my experience has helped me a lot, I know it is out of our control when someone dies and the pain that follows, but it has helped me to find some kind of meaning for the suffering I have felt and if I can just help one person a little bit who has had to go what Ive been through (feels like hell and back) or just to let others know that someone else understands their pain, I feel like I have achieved something in this life

[Al B]

Chocolate Cookies - Thank you it has been an extremely tough day. How come we don't feel the intense love when a person is alive until it is too late. I am so scared to ever love again. If I survive will I be a better person? Please world shut off the agony!!!!

[mellybelly]

Al, so sorry you're experiencing this hurt!!

 

I'm having a really rough night too. : /

 

I wish we never had to be separated from our loves like this. In the end it will all make sense, but the in between time is sometimes so hard. I'm trying to keep in mind that life is a blessing, but it's rough!

 

HUGS and love to you!

[Al B]

Melly thank you for helping even though you are hurting also.

It seems like the world and life around me goes on but I am standing still. If I try to look forward and see good things I feel as if I am leaving my Kristen behind alone. I know that many have said and I am sure she would want me to go on but I can't do it. Or I don't wan't to do it. I want to be with her so bad. The light at the end of the tunnel is non-existant. I scare myself with the gutteral sounds I make when I cry. I hope to never feel this intense pain again. Why can't lovers live long together and die together.

[raining.stars]

^ Al, I have had these very feelings you have had, to be honest it is hard to reply because it is hard to look back at those dark times. You have every right to feel the way you do, don't think about the future right now, just take it day by day, second by second, moment by moment. For the first 4 or so months I barely went out of the house, I completely shut down, I cried myself to sleep so many nights praying to let me have my soulmate back, praying to let me die too, I prayed for one more day with him, just one more second. I didn't know how I was still alive - shouldn't I have died of a broken heart, because I felt it tear in two and then shatter to pieces.

 

Be patient with yourself, no one expects you to get on with your life right now, it takes a very long time, and when one day you decide to reenter life again, it will be with Kristen's love in your heart, so you won't be leaving her behind, because she is always with you.

[Al B]

chocolate cookies -

Just knowing others have felt similar pain helps me understand that with time I will make it. Oh to feel her lips on mine again if only for a moment.

Have any of you been able to see another person and expose yourself to loving again? Is there hope or will there just be guilt? Why do I get these glimmers of moving on and then the next second look at her picture and fall apart? I miss the holding, loving, touching warmth of her. Please be ok my love, I miss you so much.

[raining.stars]

I think it depends on your personality and time whether you want to love again. I know of many people who do love again and those who don't . And I think it is an individual choice and either way is perfectly fine and normal. When the time comes, I dont think you should feel guilty, if anything I think thats what our loved ones would want for us to share love, love is limitless, and if you ever love again, it wont take anything away from the love you have with Kristen because that is eternal.

 

To be honest for me, I can't think about ever loving anyone else right now, I can't imagine being with anyone else, I wanted to spend my life with him, he was my soulmate. I feel blessed in other areas of my life, loving in other ways my family, friends and pets. I know that doesn't compare to the close companionship and intimacy of romantic love, but I feel I have experienced true love in my life and I am so fortunate to have had that. I will always miss him, it makes me cry thinking Ill never talk to him, laugh with him, touch him again or never kiss him, its been so long, just being close to someone, that gentleness, that all incompassing love, but even if I never experience it again, those memories will last me until I die and I see him again.