Clearing the air

[montgomery]

Hi guys, happy new year.

 

I've spent the last few months in dumb, futile pursuit of my ex. We weren't going out for very long, but I fell for her very hard. It's been thoroughly wretched.

 

Now, I know people are almost bound to say this, but she's been acting in an incredibly irrational way, one moment being affectionate and sad, the next being frosty and distant, and I've had enough. She's done some things recently that are so baffling and schizophrenic that I've decided that's it. I've clearly done something to upset her, but I've racked my brains and can't think what. The last contact we had (before she added me and then blocked me on facebook within 24 hours, without me so much as looking at her profile) was an email I sent before Christmas, apologising if I'd been too persistent.

 

However, we work together. I'd cut her out of my life altogether if I could, but I can't. I need to try and find a way to work alongside her.

 

I really want to do the right thing, the big thing (and added to that, I bet I'd take her back in a heartbeat, fool that I am).

 

I'm trying to decide whether the best thing is to leave her alone, ignore her, and let her decide how things are going to be left, or whether I should get in touch and try to find out what she thinks I've done so I can at least clear the air.

 

Should I intitate some form of contact? I have a short and courteous email waiting to be sent...

[jettison]

Any kind of perceived focus on her will end up being the wrong kind of attention. Treat her like a polite stranger. Or better still, treat her like your kid sister - a better mental picture. At this point, since she dumped you, focusing on her, or her life, or her feelings will simply make her either run or act crazy.

[montgomery]

Hm.

 

I KNOW you're right. But I have this overwhelming urge to get in touch, try and find out what she's thinking and why she's done what she's done. Try and make things right between us, because they really, really aren't.

 

I've had other, longer, more serious relationships, but none has ever caused me as much distress as this one.

 

As I say, I want to take the high ground. I want to be the grown-up (and I have to, literally - I'm much older and more senior in the office than she is).

 

But what I REALLY want is for her, if not to come back - I don't think it could ever work, really, sadly - to apologise, to recognise that the way she's behaved has hurt me.

 

But I guess going and covertly seeking such an admission is the one way to be sure of not getting it...

 

Heh. Giving up cigarettes was never this hard.

[uhohlala]

I'm in a very similar situation, with an ex whose behavior at the end of our relationship, and in the months that followed the break-up, was disrespectful, thoughtless, and very unfair to me. Fortunately we don't work together, so when I finally saw the light and realized that he was incapable of being a friend to me I told him (in the nicest way imaginable) that I didn't think we should remain in touch anymore.

 

Without going into the nitty gritty of my own situation, it's very likely that my path will eventually cross my ex's at some point in the not-so-distant future. I felt tremendous relief once I'd cut ties (about 6 or 7 weeks ago), but I do still feel some anger and resentment towards this guy. I don't like the corrosive effect it has had on me even though I've just recently started a very promising new relationship. I'd like to shed the negative feelings I have about this ex -- and it does seem to me that the best way to accomplish that would be to convey to him how awful he was. To get him to acknowledge what a * * * * * * * he'd been.

 

But the thing is, a large part of why our relationship didn't work (and wouldn't have worked in the long run) was his inability to account for himself -- he was inconstant and emotionally treacherous. The only thing I could rely upon him to do was to take the easy way out of any difficult or tense point in our relationship. He's a glib, superficial person who has a lot of growing up to do before he'll be able to really devote himself to a relationship with another person. I think he'd probably agree with me on many of these points.

 

Given that, I've had to recognize that any attempt to get him to own up to his poor treatment of me would be futile. I'm going to have to find a way to let go of the remnants of the anger I feel toward him without being validated by him. When I'm feeling very wise and detached, I can sometimes recognize that his behavior actually has validated my adherence to the high road, and that it's almost certainly true that he knows as well as I do that his behavior was unworthy and hurtful. Alas, I'm usually not so wise or detached, and I'm still struggling to get to the point of consistent equanimity.

 

In David Mamet's brilliant film, "The Spanish Prisoner," Steve Martin's character observes: "I think you'll find that if ... they are indebted to you morally... they will give you nothing, and they will begin to act cruelly toward you ... to suppress their guilt."

 

People are like that when they don't want to face up to what they've done, especially if doing so would force them to confront things about themselves they're not ready to face, or would oblige them to do things that don't serve their selfish ends. By walking away from them, we're not validating their behavior. We're not ceding "victory" or "power" to them. We're recognizing that they're too cowardly and weak to behave like thoughtful, responsible adults. Don't show her any bitterness or hurt, and don't expect her to own up to what she did. Jettion's advice to view her like an annoying kid sister is a good one -- a few pinches of quiet condescension and private eye-rolling ought to take the edge off, and will help you remember that the things this young woman does should be taken no more to heart than the words shouted by an angry four-year-old who doesn't want to take a nap or eat her broccoli.

[montgomery]

that's such a great post, thank you so much for taking the time.

 

I also had a good, cleansing talk with my sister at the weekend. she's of the opinion that I've been blind to the way she's behaved throughout, picking me up and casting me aside over and over again, as and when it suited her. she's rich and beautiful and used to being indulged, I think, without having to consider too much the effects that what she does have on other people.

 

I know that if I did confront her, she'd find a way to turn it back round on me, make it something I'd done. and I think she'd believe it, too. that's the doubt that kills me, that she thinks I'm the bad guy, that it's my fault.

 

I just can't stand the atmosphere. I like to think of myself as a peaceful person, and I can't bear letting the sun go down on this every day. it's very hard seeing her around, though it is getting easier. we can't avoid each other for ever, and I just need to be sure that when we do talk - and it'll take her no time to steer the conversation - I don't just lie down yet again. phillip roth's right about the authority of beauty.

 

on a brighter note, I've started to see somebody else, and while it lacks the passion and excitement and thrilling uncontrollability that I had with my ex and miss terribly, maybe that's for the best...

[uhohlala]

that's such a great post, thank you so much for taking the time.

 

You're more than welcome, and I'm glad if it's helpful. Helps me to discuss it too!

 

I know that if I did confront her, she'd find a way to turn it back round on me, make it something I'd done. and I think she'd believe it, too.

 

Don't ever forget this. That's almost certainly how it would go down if you attempted to reach some kind of meaningful resolution with her. The way for you to heal is not going to be by getting her to see the light.

 

that's the doubt that kills me, that she thinks I'm the bad guy, that it's my fault.

 

Believe me, I know exactly how this feels. But this literally is a case of being unable to make a horse drink from the stream, even if you lead her right to the water's edge. She's not interested in your version of the truth -- even if your version is much more objective and reflective of reality than her warped version. She sees what she wants to see, and will continue to do so, no matter what you say to her or do. It's unfair, but that's how it is.

 

I just can't stand the atmosphere. I like to think of myself as a peaceful person, and I can't bear letting the sun go down on this every day. it's very hard seeing her around, though it is getting easier. we can't avoid each other for ever, and I just need to be sure that when we do talk - and it'll take her no time to steer the conversation - I don't just lie down yet again. phillip roth's right about the authority of beauty.

 

Ugh, I know how galling it is to know ahead of time that you'll probably come out of an unavoidable encounter feeling disgruntled. Truly, I think that you're already doing quite well by recognizing that attempting rapprochement with her is futile.

 

I find it very hard to tolerate hypocrisy or untruths. But again, if you can view the situation from a detached perspective (hard, I know!), you can probably get yourself to a point where you see how silly and weak and immature she is.

 

I'll bet you don't believe in Santa Claus. But you probably wouldn't feel it necessary to convince a four-year-old that Santa isn't real. The four-year-old will make that discovery somehow, in her own way, in her own time. You could have a harmless conversation with the four-year-old about what Santa brought her for Christmas, and what his workshop is like, and whether or not it would be fun to drive his sleigh. By indulging the four-year-old, you wouldn't be truly compromising your own honesty, you'd be showing kindliness to a child who has a lot of growing and learning ahead of her. Of course this woman's condescending, insulting view of you would be a lot more offensive to tolerate, but in essense it's the same thing.

 

If you can get yourself to the point where you don't see the need or even the possibility of correcting her misperceptions about you and what passed between the two of you, I think you'll be able to handle yourself when talking with her. Not saying it'll be pleasant for you to talk with her, but that's where the private eye-rolling comes in. And then round up a friend or two for necessary after-work libations!

 

on a brighter note, I've started to see somebody else, and while it lacks the passion and excitement and thrilling uncontrollability that I had with my ex and miss terribly, maybe that's for the best...

 

Wonder if perhaps some of the passion & excitement you experienced with your ex was a function of the built-in uncertainty of that relationship? I.e., the thing that you found so intriguing and thrilling is the very thing that's eating you up now -- her inherent selfishness and emotional dishonesty/evasiveness?

[montgomery]

I think you're right. I always felt, at least at first, that there was an impermanence to the relationship. I didn't think she'd thought it through; she initiated the whole thing, and was utterly insistent that she didn't care about the problems, and the attraction between us was so powerful that I soon didn't care either.

 

however, after a few months, when it became clear to her that it wasn't a fairy tale, that it was becoming a proper relationship with all the issues and difficulty and effort that are involved, she finished it, repeating back to me the very reservations that I'd taken her through when we first got together. and by that stage, of course, I was in much deeper than I should have been.

 

I'm absolutely not without blame here. my ego, having taken such a boost from the interest of this impossibly gorgeous, happy young creature, tumbled further than I thought it ever could. I'd been in control: I was older, she had come to me, she was wanting to go faster than I thought we should, etc. and now I was chasing, begging, making a fool of myself. and she'd draw me in, then push me away.

 

and the pushing away became more savage and hurtful.

 

she is an emotionally baffling and unpredictable creature. I'm pretty sure she'd take a certain amount of pride in the fact.

 

that said, she's not nasty, or manipulative, certainly not willingly or consciously. she's actually very sweet, very lovable. and I don't think she's set out to hurt me.

 

but she's not interested in other people if they might get in the way of what she wants to do, or how she wants to do it.

 

I've realised now that she's the moby * * * * to my ahab. and we all know what happened there.

 

(I think I may have wandered a little off-topic here... ah, well. it's been cathartic!)

[montgomery]

Postscript:

 

Ignored everyone's advice, for I am a mong.

 

I thought I should just extend the hand of friendship, try and be grown-up about it, let bygones be bygones, etc, so I sent her an email asking to make our peace.

 

Turns out that this means I'm a hysterical drama queen. Not even a sorry-you're-upset-about-this. Just a barely glorified shut-up. She's mucked up a year of my life, and simply doesn't care.

 

The moral of the story: when people tell you to leave well alone, they're absolutely right. Every time.

[uhohlala]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it. But there are perhaps a couple of bright spots even in this:

 

Self-absorbed people like this girl do not keep things about other people active in their minds for very long. She reacted to you in the moment, because your email reminded her of things she didn't care to think about; she shut you down very quickly, with no thought for fairness or kindness. But she's not going to want to dwell on that or even remember it -- so although her nasty response stings, I'm sure, there is a somewhat perverse comfort in knowing that she's probably already forgotten all about it. You'd do well to forget it too, by deleting your email to her, and her response to you.

 

And this brings me to a second, related bright spot: part of what's been eating you up is the thought that she thinks ill of you ... when the reality is that she probably doesn't spare much time thinking about you one way or the other; in fact, it's probably in her best interest generally to think of you in vaguely positive terms. Of course when forced to address what was between the two of you and how it ended she constructed a narrative that made you out to be the bad guy. That vilifying narrative facilitated her extrication from the relationship without taking any responsibility for her part in what went down. It's only when you force her to reflect on your "situation" that she becomes hostile -- and although her anger is misplaced (it should be directed at herself for mucking things up, even if she didn't want to continue the relationship), you'll never get her to see that.

 

But if she's not thinking of you as an active "issue" then she doesn't have to dwell on how she behaved with you, and she can maintain a more benign attitude towards you. As long as nothing that you're doing forces her to confront the ways that she sucks, she'll probably be fine for casual, business-related interaction. Sure, she's requiring you to ignore the past. Sure, the interactions you'll have with her will be superficial and inauthentic. But you can at least take a small bit of comfort in knowing that she's not spending much, if any, time thinking bad things about you. I'm not saying you should feel good about that, just a little less bad. Not sure if I'm articulating this very well.

 

Good luck! You'll pull through this.

[montgomery]

Ah, hullo again. Hope all's well with you.

 

Do you know what? It's been very cleansing. I couldn't shake the conviction that everything she was doing was some sort of complex game about trying to reconcile, keep things alive.

 

This couldn't be less the case. She made up some preposterous story about things, absolving herself of blame - or even the vaguest responsibilty for an undeniable, recorded series of events - in the least credible way. I'll stop short of calling her a liar - JUST short.

 

I thought she was so much better than this. And I can't believe she has so little regard, not for me - I think you're right about that, she just isn't interested - but for how I think of her. I thought she was complex, unfathomable, intriguing. Now I'm pretty sure she's completely comprehensible in the very simplest terms, as shallow as a layer of condensation on a big, shiny mirror.

 

I now just find her ridiculous. A ridiculous, terribly spoilt child. I'm sure this opinion will mellow in time, as I don't like having it, it feels tainting and unworthy.

 

It is, however, much lighter to carry than what was there before.