Needing your insight

[kittydoll]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible, without omitting the important details.

I'm 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost six years. Over the course of the relationship we had our ups and downs, but it generally was "us against the world", and we always made it through together. In the last six months our relationship started deteriorating slowly. I adapted a very misguided attitude of indifference. I refused to compromise and come to the aide of our relationship, he did the same. We stopped communicating and became absorbed in our own things. We also lost all passion in the process. He made the decision to move out, it shocked and hurt me, and after many tears I told him I respected his decision of not wanting to work things out and just wanting to move on. The day he was suppose to move out, he cried a lot....and then embraced me and said he doesn't want to move out and he didn't realize how badly this would hurt, and we needed to give our relationship one last chance. I agreed. I came clean to him about reaching out to someone else while our relationship was in turmoil, and felt that it is where I went wrong. I asked him to be honest with me, and he told me there was not anyone else that prompted this sudden decision.

 

Well, it turns out that there was a girl from work whom he reached out to and sent flowers to. I found this out from another source. I asked him about and he admitted. He said he was so weak and dead on the inside from seeing our relationship fall apart that he needed to reach out to someone, anyone who would listen...and this girl gave him that. Things were not physical..but he still lied to me. I asked him why he couldn't tell me the truth, when I told him the truth as well...and he said he didn't want this to taint our fresh start...that everything that happened before we held each other on the day we decided to stay together no longer mattered. But to me, it did matter..because he lied and now I don't know how I feel. I worry that I will sit here and try to make things work, overextend myself again, and he will still be trying to pursue others. This has made me suspicious to the point that I started checking his text messages...mostly for reassurance that he isn't up to no good, rather than to catch him doing something wrong.

 

Today I saw a text message from one of his female co workers stating that another girl he works with has a boyfriend, and this boyfriend would freak out if he knew that he asked her to the mall with him. I am thoroughly confused here...we are not in junior high, so why would anyone freak out over their significant other going to the mall with them...unless this is a romantic thing and he is yet again reaching out to someone.

 

This has been so emotionally draining, I have no idea what to do anymore. Any insight is appreciated. Thank you

 

 

EDIT:

 

I guess I should add that now, the person whom I reached out to during the problematic time in our relationship just yesterday told me that he has strong feelings for me. He said that he wants me to come to a resolution with my boyfriend, and if that ends up leaving him out of the equations he will understand. He said he is on my side and a supporter or whatever I decide to do. Knowing this a week earlier would made all the difference in the world, before I made a commitment to try and work it out with my boyfriend and start fresh. My heart is shattering into a million pieces.

[doyathink]

Maybe your relationship is truly over, and the two of you are only holding on to the familiar...being each other. Sounds like it's time you two went your separate ways, and did your own thing. You both have others hanging in the background, ready to swoop you up the second you leave your relationship.

 

You're the only one who can make this decision of course, but do you truly see yourself working this out?

[karvala]

I'm sorry to say it, but this is really over. Neither of you are committed to each other, or remaining in the relationship. Both of you are preferring to reach out to other people than each other, and both of you are certainly open to overtures from others in a way you wouldn't be if you were in a properly committed relationship. In reality, it's probably been over for some time, and it's the pain of final separation that's been keeping you together. The sooner you can manage the final break, and if you so desire form something new with the people you've been reaching out to do, the sooner the pain will be over.