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Broke up with someone I really like. Is something missing in me?


rokston

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I just broke up with a girl I've been seeing for the past 3 months. I think she is great, I am attracted to her and I feel great spending time with her. She seems to 'get me' and always amazes me with how cool she is to deal with situations that previous partners dramatised. Basically there is nothing about her that I dislike. She's funny, independent, caring and interesting.

 

Yet I broke up. Hated doing it and hurting her but somehow it felt dishonest to continue. Despite spending time with her and enjoying it very much the thought of breaking up has continually been creeping in my head. I dont know why. Partly I am attracted to other people and that makes me uncomfortable. I respect and care for her too much to be a cheat or an unsure, confused boyfriend.

 

Another part is that I am not sure I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I dont really know what that means as for a long time I was broken up over my ex from nearly 2yrs ago now and was willing to reconcile with her. But I lost my father 3 months ago (actually met current ex on the night he passed away) and since then my emotions have been a little blunt.

 

I guess what I am wondering is if other people have felt this way? Is it that I am in some weird rebound mode or that I am grieving and emotionally incapable of commitment. Am I losing someone that is actually a great partner just because I am not willing to let go in some way?

 

Thanks for reading. Guess I am a bit confused at the moment.

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actually met current ex on the night he passed away

 

That is very telling...you met her at a time when you were most vulnerable so you immediately latched on for comfort. I would say that this is more of a "comfort" situation rather than a rebound. It doesn't sound like you are ready to be in a serious relationship at this point. Your ex really did a number on your head, particularly when she was causing so much drama at a time when your father was dying. The first year of grieving the death of someone close is tough...you need time to heal yourself. It is good that you broke up with her sooner rather than later when she is even more invested.

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No, it's not that. She was the wrong partner for you. She is "no drama", and most people, without even realizing it, require the drama as a romantic component for the feelings of being "in love". No drama = no anxiety ridden, angsty love feelings. Hence, "we have to break up".

 

You need a nutter. Many of us do on some level. You just hope that they aren't so crazy that they send you to either the poor house or the nut house. A little bit of crazy means that they are capable of showing an uninhibited lust for life, something we all crave.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

CAD - yes, she was a great comfort and helped me tremendously. not because we talked about it a great deal, maybe just by being there and being something positive to focus on. she also lost her father recently (about 8 months ago) and i would like to think that in some small part i helped her too. feel really shoddy for hurting her now because i really do care about her. but the big fear was that the longer i delayed the more i would hurt her... odd in a way. and you're right that the stuff with my ex probably has left some residue on me and perhaps subconcsiously affects my reasoning at the moment.

 

You need a nutter.

 

lol. Well, I sincerely hope not. I dont think this was the problem at all. By no drama, I meant that she cool and had thick skin. Not that she did not inspire emotions in me or that I did not find her interesting - quite the opposite.

 

I get what you're saying just dont think that this is the case for me and I feel that 'drama' has always worked negatively in my mind and in my relationships. It makes sense that emotional outbursts, jealosy etc are a display of feelings and maybe even passion. But I actually loved the fact that with this woman there was a deeper understanding that felt more profound. It is actually this that makes me wonder if I have left someone that would have been a great life partner....

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  • 3 weeks later...

rokston I am in a similar situation as you, I met someone soon after I was separated from my ex wife and I too really liked this girl alot. We seemed to connect and click. I was just not ready to hadle a relationship so soon after my break-up. I now feel like I am ready and she is not in the same position. I am trying to be patient and try and reignite the spark that we once had.

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Rokston, do you think you were scared, of it being so right?

 

I wouldnt put it quite that way. I was scared of not being able to be into the relationship as much as I would have liked to be. Usually I am quite good with commitment and being a 'good' bf.. But this time something in me was not quite right and I felt unfair to her.

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rokston I am in a similar situation as you, I met someone soon after I was separated from my ex wife and I too really liked this girl alot. We seemed to connect and click. I was just not ready to hadle a relationship so soon after my break-up. I now feel like I am ready and she is not in the same position. I am trying to be patient and try and reignite the spark that we once had.

 

That sounds tough. Sorry to hear that she's not in the right place. I guess all you can do is be patient and hope that her feelings change. I guess she must feel let down and hurt by what happened.

 

For me things have not really changes. I miss her at times but I am not 100% I want to get into a relationship with her and thereforee will not be giving her confused signals. She wrote me a lovely email soon after it happened and I replied being sweet and nice but clearly stating that I am not ready for whatever confusing reasons it may be.. Since then she has been in NC and I totally understand and respect her decision. Hope that in the future we will be able to be friends but it's her call, I will drop off some tickets to a gig she bought for me at her house tomorrow while she's at work. It feels wrong to go without her..

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Not to be cliche about it, but it sounds like you were just not that into her. I've been dumped for this reason a few years ago. We had all of the things you mention, but for the guy he was just missing some inexplicable feeling he was looking for that I did not inspire in him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

gosh i sound like the woman u god rid off

 

I hope my ex wonders whether he made the right decision.

 

how did u break it off? did u say u would never fall in love with her? thats what mine said to me and completely cut me off - even tho before he was the one who said he was really into me

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i think when people have a 'wandering eye' and an illusion that there is a certain thing to be gained by being single such as a more ideal median to converse with say... an ex. That you tend to push yourself away from your current SO emotionally.

Its almost to an emotional cheating effect where you start to think 'this person isnt right for me' when really they may be but your mind starts to block them out in order to break free (as you just did) and make themselves available for another option.

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gosh i sound like the woman u god rid off

 

I hope my ex wonders whether he made the right decision.

 

how did u break it off? did u say u would never fall in love with her? thats what mine said to me and completely cut me off - even tho before he was the one who said he was really into me

 

My plan was to go for a drink and dinner and talk about it then; however, the drink and dinner were really cool and the word never came out. Instead the circumstances ended up being far less appropriate...

 

Anyway, I didnt say I would never fall in love. I was just honest. I said that while I think she is great and I really enjoy spending time with her, something in my head is confused. I am not certain what that is but I just dont feel 100% to be in the relationship. That is not a fair position to put her in and thereforee we should probably not see each other like that. I said that I would like to remain friends but fully understand if that's no good to her and if she wants to not speak for a while.

 

I was pretty clear. Which may sound harsh but it leaves no room for her to waste her time wondering i I might come back. It's the most fair way. If I later chose to come back and try to get her back, I have to deal with the reality that it may be too late, so I should not give her holding onto hopes....

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i think when people have a 'wandering eye' and an illusion that there is a certain thing to be gained by being single such as a more ideal median to converse with say... an ex. That you tend to push yourself away from your current SO emotionally.

Its almost to an emotional cheating effect where you start to think 'this person isnt right for me' when really they may be but your mind starts to block them out in order to break free (as you just did) and make themselves available for another option.

 

I am not sure if I pushed myself away from her. Perhaps it was just not the right relationship or the right time for me to be in that relationship.

 

I am no closer to finding the answer. Recently, I have been dating someone else who is also great (on paper) but my feelings feel a bit locked.

 

It seems like I get really excited about being with someone and then it wears off too quickly and I get jittery about what I want. Hopefully this is not some trend that is going to continue. While it is not the worst predicament to be stuck in, and I have been lucky enough to meet great people, it doesnt seems a good long term road...

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sounds like you havent gotten over your last relationship. i suggest staying away from the dating scene until you can overcome your fears and blocks. or else you are just damning yourself to repeat the same process.

take it from someone who has been there.

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maybe u can give me some insight too ...i would be grateful

 

I been seeing a guy for 3 months and he was quite reluctant to label me his gf but said we were seeing each other exclusively.

 

Before i went on hols, he told me he was really into me, he doesn;t hold girls like he does me, he really likes me etc but then i go away for 2.5 weeks and he gets cold feet and tells me he will never fall in love with me and that i deserve someone who wants to see me and spend all his time with me.

 

what triggers the change?

 

he said he feels pressure going out with me and that i didn;t let the relationship take its natural course because i was asking questions liek where we were and not to waste my time etc (only cos i was wanted to know if he was commited)

 

He drove over an hour to drop off my xmas present so i thought he liked me

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sounds like you havent gotten over your last relationship. i suggest staying away from the dating scene until you can overcome your fears and blocks. or else you are just damning yourself to repeat the same process.

take it from someone who has been there.

 

Thanks. But to be honest I think I actually disagree. Just because I am not jumping to marry or get into a long-term relationship with people that I like does not mean that I am unhappy or that I should stay away from people altogether.

 

In the city where I live, dating is pretty common and more often than not people start off casually. Much the same that people treat me, I like getting to know someone. Perhaps after that period I realise that for certain reasons or not I do not wish to pursue the relationship further. As long as people are honest and up front I do not see the problem.

 

I guess in some ways I have just answered my original question I guess that it boiled down to me not feeling quite right about someone.. As much as you like people or they are great on paper, it doesnt mean that you develop the love or that you're sure they are the person you want to be with. When I reach that stage, I hope that I will know it.

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he had a serious relationship 5 years ago but was seriously hurt and since then not been dating much

 

I think you just have to take things at face value. If he said you deserve someone better, it was probably a way of putting it nicely that he's just not that into getting into a relationship.

 

3 months is a long enough time or him to know which direction to take. I really doubt that the end of a relationship 5 years ago is influencing his decision at the moment.

 

My honest advice, as harsh as it may sound, is to just move on. If he changes his mind, he will come back for you. In the meantime, don't hold your breath.

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Yeah i think you are right

 

tho i have been questioning myself what i did wrong?

 

how can someonne change their feelings in a matter of 2 weeks ? but like u said he just switched off

 

i doubt he will come back but i still bear a glimmer of hope - i even resorted to calling pyschics to see what they say - stupid i know but i did blame myself for ages for pressuring him

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also he was 30 (31 now) and i am 36 and before i went away we talked about babies (not intentionally) but i think it freaked him out - he doesn;t want any and i do but not now but i will before i am 40. And i did mention for him not to waste my time if he doens't think we long term (i had pms at the time) and i think it got him thinking and we at diff stages of our lives.

 

So he sabotaged the relationship before it could go further - but what bugs me wsa he never called me up to tell me his decision - i had to do it - at least u told ur girl - i had inclings and then had to ask hiim what was wrong - he sai dhe would call when i get back and never did - i waited a week and then i called him

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Sounds like he just wanted to avoid the confrontational aspect of breaking up. Obviously you wouldn't be happy about it and he probably just didn't want to face you. Don't let it bug you too much; view it as a weakness on his part.

 

As for freaking him out ... If you were regularly and periodically talking about babies, long-term and pushing to get something out of him that he wasn't willing to do himself. Then that maybe pushed him away. But if the odd conversation about a future together freaked him out.. there really is nothing you could have done about it.

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Thanks Rokston

 

I need to stop blaming myself as i did nothing wrong.

 

Like you said he just didn;t feel the relationship was what he wanted and there is nothing i can do to change his mind - if he ever comes back (i doubt it) it will have to be his own choice right? is there anything i can do to make this happen?

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