can we get back together

[paul 37]

I would appreciate any advice with our marriage and recent seperation.My wife and i had been together 18 years,married for 10 and have 2 wonderful children,15 and 10.Its never been a perfect relationship,ups and downs as they say through both our faults but we have always loved and cared for each other as best we could and have very much struggled financially all through.On november 26 last year after an argument my wife decided she had had enough and left to stay at her mothers along with our 2 children.She told me she had no more feelings for me any more,didnt love me,and wasnt sexually attracted to me.She said she had felt this over a period of time and said i shouldnt have been surprised if at some point she would leave.She is/has been a wonderful person and i have felt very lucky to have been with her all these years, sacrificing alot of friends and even keeping a distant from my own side of the family.

 

Her mother is very controlling with my wife and as a grandparent.I never wanted to come between this as i thought i was doing the right thing to keep my wife happy. I fell out with my mother in law a few years ago when she accused me of being verbally abussive with our children from which i strongly denied and so did my wife and my eldest son!.There has at times been strong words exchanged between me and my wife and unfortunatley they have sometimes been present but in general we have both tried to keep this to a minimum,giving as much time,love,commitment,always putting them first but when required

positive disipline.

 

Christmas and the new year was difficult as it was the first one we had been apart,my daughter and i stayed at my mothers and my wife and son stayed at hers.We have, since the split remained in constant touch mainly with arrangments reguarding the children but theres also been alot of directing the blame for the breakup via txt message.For me its been very confusing as she never really said at the start she wanted a seperation or divorce,she said she wasnt coming back and that i could have the house and she would get her own place in time with the children.

 

This has now somewhat changed already as i have my son here with me and its not financially possible for her yet to move from her mothers into a place of her own.With the consistent contact we have both spoken about this,i feel its my duty as her husband and a father to still help her as im worried also for there welfare.For the most part of last year she had been the main provider financially as i had been struggling myself with finding decent employment,we never argued over this either which surprised me.Her job is full time but the pay is not great but she has also stated it will get better and wants to be totally independent in the future without the need to rely ever on another man.She has assured me that there is no other man involved and is not looking but hasnt ruled it out in the future so im getting mixed messages here with the independence thing.I noticed she keeps her mobile very close to her when im around,i have ask frequently if there is someone but either shes covering it up well or iam wrong in thinking it.2 weeks after she left the house she lost her cell phone or so she says, ordered another at her mothers address ,so the billing goes there now as opposed to our address.Im keeping an open mind on this.

 

She always seemed to tell the truth,like i said iv known her to be and want to be such a nice person she finds alot of time for all who want to be around her i find it hard to believe she is cappable of lying at all.Shes been a fantasic mother and generally a great wife to me,supportive throughout.We did have our children quite young which we have both agreed that this was never a problem.Iam generally in bits over all this and she knows that,i still love her and think that while we are still married i never want to give her up or loose her completely with a view of getting back together.There is alot in the past to deal with and while we have been on even normal speaking terms there has been a slight change in her views as to what she now wants.She has said i need to get over her and that i will be ok,she still cares wants to be good friends etc,but now she agrees that there may still be something more but not enough to live back with me or physically.

She needed to visit her GP the week after she left and was put on anti depressents of which she now says that she is not taking,also some councilling.She has cried down the phone at me that she cannot stay at her mothers for much longer,wants me to still have the house with my son and wants me to be happy.She has said about herself that she is not that special and i could find someone better but i have not agreed and told her nobody could ever replace her now or in the future.She is also very attractive and told me before that men have always looked and chatted.I have always let her go out with friends even staying out all night,i have been content staying home with the children.Im so confused i asked her about marriage councilling together maybe,at the start she said it wldnt be worth it now shes saying lets take each day as it comes and maybe councilling would help.She keeps saying that she wouldnt want me to have false hopes of getting back together and that i have to pick myself up because she cares so much for me,il probably speak with her on the phone before this is even posted or she will txt me,the normal days seem to go on but without the living arrangment or any physical contact which hurts and upsets me.

 

She says she wished that these feelings for me could be turned back on,please help me with some comments or alot of comments on how this may end up,can we get back together sometime? or has it gone forever?,friends maybe?I have asked her if she wants a divorce,she said no then said if there was to be anyone else she would have to tell me.Iv no real reason to feel alone as my son is living here and my family have been supportive but i have no social life any more with friends,still no regular emplyment,not much money to go out because of rent and bills and im not sure if its possible to even keep this house.I have been totally dependent on my wife but at the same time have put everything into our marriage i feel iv lost everything if only it being her,i put all my eggs in one basket as they say,im also very depressed and confused.I really want her back i miss her although we regular see each other to do with something,children and talking through stuff.

 

At the start of our relationship i worked alot of hours to support us all financially while she stayed home with the children,she had not needed to work right up until 2 years ago when she wanted to get back in employment.It seems now to me also that because my employment has suffered a bit and she has career goals im not needed but she has a short memory,i kept her financially for years from her age of 18 when we met.,always helped round the house, a good father,a loyal and good husband so whats gone wrong?

 

please help and thx for reading.

[Loki71]

Ok I am in the same spot as you. I keep trying to be there for her and be her support and rescue her when she needs it. The first thing you have to do is stop being there for HER. Yes be there for your kids but that does not mean being there for her. As for getting back together only she can answer that and it will take lots fo time before she can. My ex told me all the same stuff except I moved and left her everything but the car since I had to go stay with my folks who live further away. You have to worry about you now. Get yourself in the right place and learn to live without her. This will not be easy. I would say go NC but like me you have kids so kinda hard to do that. So go LC and only talk about the kids and important things. Do not ask how she is doing and stuff like that. Again easier said than done but it will help you. And one last thing I have learned no matter how much you want her back and no matter how much you love her we can not make them come back.

[Cuppedia]

Welcome to Enotalone.

 

Nobody knows if your wife would want to work on your marriage but I think some of the problems you seem to be having are not related to that which means you could work on them on your own.

 

You were together for a long time so you're obviously going to feel insecure without each other but as you can see that's not necessarily a good enough reason for everything else to be okay, so I think that if you try to make your life more stable (work, friends, family) your relationship with her, whatever it may end up being, will also be better.

 

Forgetting about the life you had by yourself is not rare after people get married but if the relationship stops working it can be very damaging. Your children need that father they had before, if you no longer can find strength from your wife you're going to have to work hard on finding it within yourself.

 

Your wife feels bad also but like Loki said, you can't be available to her all the time if you don't even know where you stand. What's happening is that she's getting stronger with your support and as soon as she feels okay she's going to forget about you, I'm not saying you should make sure she's never okay so she never leaves (it wouldn't be good either), what I say is YOU should get stronger so if the marriage does end your life still continues.

 

Think about what you can do to make everything better for you, invest your time in that and if your wife changes her mind all those changes would have still made you a better person.

[paul 37]

Thanks for the helpful replys so far.Well its now been nearly 2 months since I and my wifes 18 years together has hit the rocks.separated and moving out to stay with her mother.Still we have had constant contact,phone,txt,her coming to the house with my daughter.We have only one car and i have even taken her to work when shes asked.Part of me thought yes and no but least i knew she was safe.,and she is fully aware of how i feel about her safety.

 

Anyway we have had over the last 2 weeks various conversations alone as to how things/reasons why this has suddenly happened between us.I have thought alot about nc/lc but this seems impossible due to fact that she seems to want to carry on in the same way dealing with issues that concern us all and constantly saying to me that she cares so much and wants me to be ok.I have been going along with this as to not upset our son and daughter.

 

I have been feeling really low which she has said wants to give me support until im ok.We have cried together while she has appologised for it not working out bearing in mind shes moved out suddenly but said there was a build up with her feelings from August-november.Another issue is the housing situation.She called me 2 weeks ago upset and said that she could no longer stay at her mothers as she is selling up to downsize and that she would need to find her own place.She is commited on living alone with my daughter and that theres no chance of us living together anymore.

 

As im not in employment right now I and my son 15 whose staying with me right now will struggle financially to keep the house.She has been takeing care of this still while shes been away but when she is to rent her own place this will stop.I can then see my son moving back in with her although she says this is not what she wants to happen then im left to loose the house without no income of my own.

 

She has said that she wants to work together with me to keep us all with a home but i dont fully believe her as i feel theres alot of trust lost already.She has not been the type of person that would lie about much but on the other hand i never thought she would leave either.After more talking I have agreed to seek some advice together on our housing situation,she has said that she needs to have it arranged in a few months as her mother has now agreed a price and this will only take this amount of time when her mother will be able to help my wife financially to set up.All i feel im doing is sitting here waiting without no control over the situation,still agreeing to help and takeing her word that we will all be ok.

 

I have been asking her constantly if there has been another involved or one waiting but she has strongly denied this and said theres no way she could be with anybody else at this time but hasnt ruled it out in the future.She has said she would be happy for me to even meet someone or have someone now if it makes me happy but she knows i still love her and am finding it hard to let go,shes said to me constantly how much she cares and wants to be good friends,wants to help me then on the other hand tells me shes not in love with me anymore and dosent find me sexually attractive,critising my appearance ,comparing me to others.

 

I have asked her outright then if thats how you feel then our 18 year relationship must be all but finished so id like a divorce as soon as.She got upset and doesnt want this then tells me she feels something more than when she first left,wants to take a day at a time see how things go,carry on sorting our housing situation, but making no promises about us at the end of it.I said i didnt want to be strung along or given mixed messages/signals in the hope of reconsiliation,she agreed she wouldnt want this either for me and said i have to decide on all this and that she would be forced to do her own thing if i dissagreed.Im thinking of divorce although i think theres always a chance if still married and if i refuse to stop loveing her and accept the good friends thing and still be there whenever.18 years together with 2 children involved and alot of memories.I know this could all change if she has met someone already or in the future,shes attractive and wouldnt be on the shelf for long.

 

Only time will tell but she already knows to tred carefully with this as to worry about my reaction all i have asked for so far is the truth,but her knowing how low i feel along with everything else that needs to be done for this breakup to happen would she be hideing something else from me?.Im thinking to not have much contact with her this week if possible,concentrating myself on finding employment still.She has told me that because she has been back to work after the xmas break,staying with her mother and our daughter that she hasnt had the chance to miss me but said at some point she may do if shes ever alone,where do we really go from here,im confused and getting mixed messages.

 

Any help? thanks for reading.

 

PS BTW im 37 and my wife is 35.

[John Bendix]

Well, you are the right place. Sadly, you are not alone. Men and women are and have been in very similiar circumstances to one that you find yourself in.

 

Do youself a favor and check out link removed for better insight into the dynamic that you are dealing with. It may help you to see what you should not do concerning yourself and your relationship.

 

As for mixed signals, it has been said about these situations that you should believe only half of what you see and none of what you hear. This is bc the other partner is so confused mentally and emotionally that anything can be done in self protection.

[paul 37]

After i posted here yesterday i was thinking on how today is going to be for us both.I wasnt expecting contact with her until at least then ,part of me wanted to and part of me not.It was then around 10.30pm last night that my son asked me to send a message to his mum and sister just to say goodnight.He would have used his own phone had it had any credit left to do so.I have been doing the same thing with my wife and daughter on each of there phones last thing at night and they have both replied also with the same.However when my wife replied back last night she asked if i was ok along with goodnight.I thought should i reply again or not but i felt it was nice of her to ask me so i txt back saying i was feeling a bit better about sleeping tonight and thx.

 

I did sleep quite well also first time since she left but i was woken with the sound of our home phone ringing at 7.00am next to the bed.It was my wife asking me if i could take her to work and my daughter to school at around 8.15 as i have the car.I was taking my son to school also so i said ok np.I then get a txt at 8.00 from her saying would i also be able to pick her up from work later?,which i could as im not working myself atm but thought unsure.I txt back saying this, then straight away she called saying it shouldnt be a problem as she was only lending me her car although its OUR car WE both paid half each for it,i know it sounds petty!but i didnt agree with what she was saying so i hung up.

 

We then left the house to pick up both my wife and daughter which was normal like sometimes before.I didnt feel i wanted to have much conversation with my wife i think she sensed this but then proceeded to asked me why i felt upset over her telling me about the car and why i hung up on her.I replied that i didnt want it to turn into an argument first thing on a monday morning as to not put her in a bad mood at work.Nothing more was said and i dropped them all off.

 

I got home, came online sending my cv off again to gain emplyment but still feeling low as to what my wife was thinking now.She said last week that some of our recent conversations and txts have been one of the reasons why she was right in her decision to leave and live apart adding that it has caused her stress and upset, which i replied lets go nc/lc then. She follows by saying that its because she cares,we need to stay friends,what about the kids?etc.I tell her back that im feeling low over it all and confused so its like a continuing cycle.

 

I then start to think that her emotions are getting the better of her so i txt her a while ago that maybe she needs to deal with these in herself before still wanting to be there for me,she is the reason why im feeling this low anyway.I then get a reply with,think we need to talk again if u want to?.Whats this if i want to?is she saying she needs to tell me something else?does she want to or is she thinking its only for my benefit?She never really answered the emotion question directly in the txt and i have seen a slight pattern to do with this, she has sometimes sent back things that are totally unrelated or she just hasnt read them right.I dont wish to send much while shes at work but she hasnt said not to and always replys apart from when shes out at lunch!

 

Theres been no answer from her still with reguards to me wanting divorce either.I have said that i dont want her having my surname any more as we are not sleeping in the same bed.I would have the name changed asap if it could be done.I do feel anger towards her also along with feeling this low,it is hard, its the first time that I have ever experienced this,as she has been my first real love,it kills me to probably have to let her go,i still will because I love her so much, i think its the right thing to do reading alot of posts here,but staying good friends?im not so sure,thats the cake and eat it syndrome or at least to start off with,i know it can take a while to adjust to just good friends,although we have been friends as well as lovers it takes time along with the grass is greener but keep yours tidy while im gone!.More than anything i believe when the physical attraction starts to not be there,i dont have this problem with her, shes told me, and its been a while, along with trust being broken then it takes an awful long time if theres ever a chance to get the right relationship with each other back.Its no good chaseing it if only one party wants to,it has to be both.

 

Anyway thanks again for reading and i will update later tonight on any txts,calls,meet ups we have had unless i decide,taking into consideration the comments given to me from here already that we can possibly try nc/lc.

[John Bendix]

Paul,

 

You posted:

 

"She said last week that some of our recent conversations and txts have been one of the reasons why she was right in her decision to leave and live apart adding that it has caused her stress and upset...."

 

People in this situations can look for justicfication for their actions and somehow find it. For example, in the rare times that I do talk to my X, she forcefully tells me what I did wrong in our marriage. And how even my present reactions to her are not right. The funny part is that she assumes, erroneously, all kind of things about my intentions in order to make her decisions appear to be OK. She has gone great lengths to re-write history. Whether it is to convince me or herself that the actions that she has taken were the right ones, I do not know. She is an extreme case but is stated just to demonstrate what can be done and said to protect one's ego.

[paul 37]

Thanks again John for the reply.Im curious,you have said in your post that my wife has demonstrated what can be done and said to protect ones ego,and can look for justification for their actions.

 

Would this mean that she thinks she has been overpowered by me for far too long? for example in any decision making within our family?and now feels its time for her to move on without me and just prove to herself that she can live an independent lifestyle.

 

I have doubts she may not be seeing the bigger picture here although i have not told her that, and that she has stated that my support is still required to help her achieve this, not as lovers, but in friendship.

[John Bendix]

Thanks again John for the reply.Im curious,you have said in your post that my wife has demonstrated what can be done and said to protect ones ego,and can look for justification for their actions.Would this mean that she thinks she has been overpowered by me for far too long? for example in any decision making within our family?and now feels its time for her to move on without me and just prove to herself that she can live an independent lifestyle.I have doubts she may not be seeing the bigger picture here although i have not told her that, and that she has stated that my support is still required to help her achieve this, not as lovers, but in friendship.

 

That is some good insight on her perspective> Itis possibly true that this is how she views it. My X has always said that I did not respect her opinion in anything. The decisions that I made, even though I consulted her, she was not capable of. She could never make decisions even at a restaurant. She was afraid of making the wrong one. It goes deeper than that in her.

 

My X would never have come back to me and the kids bc that would have meant that she made a mistake (who cares?) and would have shown that she could not make it on her own. The opinions of her by others meant a great deal to her. She has, at times, tried to convince me that leaving her family was the exact right thing to do. She spends her time convincing herself and others (through the re-writing of historical events) thatshe was right.

 

My X is a tough example bc it such an extreme case.

[paul 37]

It has been 46 days so far since my wife left and stopped living together but still having contact everday.My son 15 who has been staying with me has in the last few days been seeing a girlfriend and spending time with her after school until later in the evening when i go out to pick him up.Im sure that this is a good thing to hopefully take his mind off the situation his parents are in and also gives him a break from myself at the house where although i have been feeling low have tried not to show it.

 

My wife called round last night with my daughter 10 needing to pick up a couple of things and a brief talk about the future housing arrangements.I myself would have much preferred my daughter not being present,athough i needed to see her,or either discussing this another time.I did explain this to my wife which she agreed,but,then my daughter went online to speak with her friends,which left my wife and i alone and we suddenly got on the subject of us instead.I could not help myself showing again how low i was feeling,and she wasnt cold towards me instead being very caring and understanding to how i felt.

 

We talked about her day at work and i said that after i did some employment searching i went to see my mum in the afternoon where i managed something to eat and as i was feeling low and tired needed some sleep.I did feel a bit guilty as to put myself feeling this way on my mum but she,incuding all of my side of the family have been very supportive with the both of us during this difficult time.Totally the opposite of her mother, but not others in her family, where because of our non relationship,has always for a long time and still is supportive of only my wife.This hasnt surprised me as i previously noted have refused to accept her as a motherinlaw since she accused me of mistreating MY children and they are more MINE than hers, where she has even tried to influence them before as to thinking she,as a grandmother to them, is the more important figure than their own Father.My son has told me hes had this feeling on a few occasions where he felt shes being to overpowering with him, his mum, and sister influencing them to go against me,and put me out of the picture.He has told her to stop and has heard my wife saying the same to her which has helped.

 

My wifes family is quite big where her mother had 7 children including my wife being the youngest,many other grandchildren also from which she doesnt really see much of,ours are the youngest,and where she has forced alot of attention on them it has caused some complications for her and my wife with other members of there own family.I have never stopped or come between the children or my wife to carry on having a relationship with her,i never wanted this as not to make things difficult for my wife or them.I understand my children and my wife love her as a grandmother and mother. She new she was wrong to accuse me of mistreating the children, which she told my wife.

 

I asked my wife soon after it happened that i expected an apology and then move on forget about it but her mother refused.We got on well and respected each other,or so i thought,a total of 12 years before but its now been 6 years without speaking so she is bound to be relieved and pleased that all this is happening,even though she still sees my wife upset.Her house has been up for sale for the last year,now suddenly theres a buyer as this has happened between us,wonder how much she has been prepared to drop just to give my wife enough money to help set up on her own away from me.Im not saying my wifes decission has been totally influenced by her but i know and so do my family and probably some of her own where 4 of them have been through a divorce! that its a negative one.I see it as shes having to resort to buying back her own daughter.Im sorry this has been a long story today about her mother but i feel its relevent to post especially if others here have experienced the same sort of thing.Its interfearing with whats been a solid family of 4.

 

My wifes Father died 10 years ago,i supported and comforted her to the max, we have visited the crematorium together, always.Her mother is now just into her 70s,shes had alot of different illness over the years,she has lived alone a long time and i do feel shes been suffering alot of loneliness since my wifes Dad died and my family i feel have been the ones shes overpowered to help her with this.For the amount of other family that she has,a few have either fallen out with her or do not wish to see her,that to me says alot,my brotherinlaw said to me once never trust her, he was right and hes only just about staying with my wifes sister in their long marriage.

 

I do not wish her mother to come to any harm but she may not have very long left,this will be another difficult time when it happens,although the way im feeling now it might be me to go before her.I do pitty her as to never being able to appologise when shes wrong,im never like that but my wife sometimes has been, but there you go,i love my wife more than life itself at the moment,i feel that she is my soulmate,has been my only love,which i know doesnt seem right to the outside world,but wheres the rulebook that says any different?

 

We are all individuals thinking differently.Yes other things are always happening around us in life but i think theres more negative, wars,drugs,killings,abuse,lies,deceit,corruption,money even religions and race,although the latter 3 maybe a positive also.I have always tried to be a positive thinking person but since meeting my wife 18 years ago she along with my children being born have helped me last this long being this way.I do love my Mum and although their not together anymore my Dad also along with my brother and sister, iv no real friends to turn to and im not working,am i mentally fit enough to? i have read of many others here experiencing all different im glad i found this site, iv never wrote so much down before because i guess its because iv never felt so low and if i do make it through i shall continue to write here as long as i dont loose my online connection through not being able to pay it.

 

I have been here a while today already thinking and writing and in that time my wife has txt me and called 8 times but i have not replied.She wants to know if im ok because i did already tell her first thing this morning that i felt the day was going to be difficult for me to get through im sinking lower and lower everyday is it any positive that i want to be alone at the moment?is it helping me get over my wife if its definitly over between us and im to carry on without her?

 

Once again thanks for reading hope to be back with another update soon.

[RunMeRound]

I'm sorry you are feeling down today. Break-ups are really very hard. You may feel that you want to be alone today, but try to get out and about. I think keeping yourself busy is generally more helpful.

 

Just an FYI-your post is very long and hard to read because its one big paragraph. You might want to edit it and break it up into several paragraphs for ease of reading.

 

I hope your day gets better.

[Adge]

Just an FYI-your post is very long and hard to read because its one big paragraph.

 

Would be great if you could chop it up a little!

[paul 37]

I'm sorry you are feeling down today. Break-ups are really very hard. You may feel that you want to be alone today, but try to get out and about. I think keeping yourself busy is generally more helpful.

 

Just an FYI-your post is very long and hard to read because its one big paragraph. You might want to edit it and break it up into several paragraphs for ease of reading.

 

I hope your day gets better.

Thank you for your kind words RunMeRound.

 

I have only been out of the house to buy something to eat so far today and now i have the evening to get through.The only contact i have had is with one person,my wife, via txt messages which has been about our children.My son maybe staying out tonight also.

 

Another txt from her has just come through as im typing my reply here.It reads exactly like this.."we could try councilling together and c what happens but i know that might not be enough for u,im sry" x.

 

Im not sure that she is totally commited on wanting to do this,and im not so sure on whether it would help us either.However we have never ever been for any councilling together about our relationship before,perhaps it would help?.When she told me she was leaving i suggested marriage councilling together but she was sure that it would not help us as she had already made up her mind.I need time to think about my reply.

[paul 37]

Would be great if you could chop it up a little!

Sorry i have done this now and hope it makes for easier reading.Iam a bit inexeperienced with typing and grammer.

[RunMeRound]

Counseling might help. At least it would maybe help the two of you get clear on what the issues are and if you both want to work to fix them. I suggest asking her to make an appointment to make sure she is committed to following thorough. I had an ex suggest cousenling and I got the appointment and the ex bailed right before counseling started. If she is willing to get appointment though, perhaps she will be invested in going.

[paul 37]

I replied to her txt with reguards to counceling that could we instead talk and decide face to face about this?She agreed so i think i will take your advice and try to get her to make the appointment if she comes to the house today.She did say last week that she was meant to be seeing one alone through her GP but cancelled,without informing them.Instead she stayed behind at work to do an exam to gain an extra qualification needed as she works in a school.

 

I think your advice on her making the appoinment is good as il be more sure that shes feeling more commited to help saving our relationship still than before.Having said that she called this morning and asked me to take her to work again.She asked if i could do more for myself in not feeling so low.Last week she said how much she understands why im feeling this way and how supportive and caring she wants to be until im through it.I do think that she is depressed herself,would it be right to say this to her?.I said without thinking i just wished that you would come home, she replied that she was to scared of doing that,it would be too soon and we had already agreed on making the arrangements to live apart.I dont understand the scared comment though.

 

Even if the counceling helped,thats if she doesnt pull out,i dont think it would change her mind on living apart.Can a relationship really work by still being a couple who have 2 children but are living apart?two of us stay and two of us go.I have been reading so much in the forums here but have yet to find anybody in a similar situation as to what we will more than likely be doing.I feel that once she starts going out with her friends again,and she says that shes been asked out at the end of the month which shes said no,she would know herself that there will be no hassles of coming home to me even if we were still being a couple but not living together.

 

How would this work or not work?I cant help thinking she will want others as well as me or she will faid me out slowly.I have even brought this up with her,shes said thats never been in her mind and if we could work it this way would never be.But shes gone on to say you might meet someone or i might in the future still who knows?I feel shes not too convincing about us staying together or getting back with each other still, more so of a slow breakup hoping maybe i would just forget her as a loved one but still being friends.

 

Would counceling help bring out more from her such as any depression,if there is someone else,and how she truly feels about me?and would it be better if she has some alone still as well as with me?I know i will need some alone myself to help get over her if its the final case.

 

I would appreciate any feedback on this one especially, thanks.

[RunMeRound]

There are plenty of couples who who have separated, worked on their issues while separated and then reconciled. There are also plenty of couples that separate and eventually stay apart and arrange custody issues. I'm not really clear on the reasons she left? Are the issues ones that you feel could be worked on?

 

Perhaps during this time you might want to go see a doctor-you sound very low-perhaps you need some help with that?

 

Hang in there, I know its really tough.

[Cuppedia]

Like RunMeRound said, it happens that a couple has worked on their problems while separated, so I don't think you should be worried about that.

 

I don't think you should worry about her forgetting about you either because it's probably never going to happen.

 

Both of you are confused and dealing with a lot but she seems to be focusing on herself, and so are you(her), she's considering going out with friends, counseling, and the work thing whereas the doubts about what she's going to do next are not allowing you to concentrate in yourself.

 

It's not bad you care but if you care more about her than about you, and she cares about herself, who is going to care about you???.

 

Don't give her a reason to be concerned about your well-being, I'm sure she knows how you feel about a possible divorce so try to remain positive and strong even if you don't feel like it.

 

Show her that you can take care of yourself and that if the family reunites again you will not only be the good father that you've always been but also a good individual with hobbies and friends of your own.

 

I know it's hard but what other options do you have?.

[paul 37]

Hello again and thanks for reading.

 

Well its now day 54 since my wife and daughter left our home.I have taken the advice given here to consult my GP due to the breakup and feeling low.I will be having councelling arranged to help me through this whatever the final outcome is with our marriage, its for myself to get back on track living without her again.My wife said yesterday that she will be doing the same herself ,then afterwards she will arrange marriage counselling together.

 

I Would like some advice as to whether this will be a positive way of understanding our situation better with a view to saving our marriage,or moving forward without the marriage along with our children in the future.We have now both agreed we would like to save it,my wife saying that she wants to try.However shes still saying that she cannot come home due to how she feels and that it just wouldnt workout now and if it did would probably only be right for the first couple of months,she wants to be sure and says a feeling inside her needs to be switched back on with reguards to me.

 

We have about a month until she has to move out of her mothers due to her selling up, and says to me that even though she will try in the meantime with councelling etc,it will not be long enough for her to make a decission on us living together again, and still needs to find her own place.I feel that this puts us in a more difficult position even if we both go to the marriage councelling together, we are still going to live apart unless her decission changes suddenly.

 

Any help on this please as to whether shes telling me the truth about her feelings and are we wasteing our time by having marriage counselling together?

 

Thanks.

[Cuppedia]

It is absolutely fantastic that you are looking for help to get your life back on track and that your wife has offered to arrange marriage counseling for both of you, those things are very VERY good.

 

I also think it's a good sign that your wife doesn't want to rush anything, making abrupt decisions at this point could leave you all in a more vulnerable position. It is better that when she goes back she's sure that's what she wants, there's no need for either of you to be dealing with "I'm leaving/I'm back" episodes every other day.

 

It's nice if she wants to live alone for a while, it will help her gain perspective.

 

Knowing if she's being honest or not with the counseling and all is very difficult but I don't think that if it does happen you would be wasting your time because it would be a chance for you to know what went wrong in your relationship and how it could be fixed.

 

If she changes her mind about counseling is another story but don't worry for now, take it one day at a time and carry on with your personal plans, take it easy and try not to get stressed over what hasn't happened yet.

[paul 37]

Thanks cuppedia,your post has really confirmed me thinking as to to where we both are with reguards to the breakup at this moment.Its been nearly 2 months and if im honest,which i always try to be, i wouldnt have imagined us being anywhere near this stage at the present time.I have tried to explain and express here, in as much detail as possible, the situation and feelings of both of us within my previous postings,including the latter, and all replys posted have been beneficial and helpful in understanding our breakup,thankyou.

 

My wife now feels that theres still a strong connection with us,which previously had not been there for a long period of time leading up to her leaving.Im regretting that i never saw the signals of her unhappiness, and feel that i did at times take her for granted too much as to thinking we would always be as one and work through anything together thats required.I have respected her decission to leave and if it still comes to it live apart,as i said before we have had constant contact throughout, mostly about our childrens welfare, but at the same time being open and honest about our feelings for each other,how we drifted apart,and what other pressures there were with reguards to her new work commitments,my unemployment, finance,moving arrangements,childrens issues,other family commitments and dealing with slight depression on both our parts.

 

When she left i never took any of this into consideration,even though it was all staring me in the face,that we had been living it,i was sure that her final motivation for leaving would have been that she had met somebody else, had been seeing or them waiting and advising her on what to do.It completely left me feeling shell shocked,although i never had any proof,nothing to go by,yet its only recently iv been trying to keep it out of my head. She has told me how fed up she is of hearing it and that there is nobody else.It was mainly because of the sudden way about her wanting to set up and live alone so soon after she left to stay at her mothers.It was hard for me to accept without discussing it.It was so soon after moving here into a brand new home, only a few months back where she had so many great ideas for the place,the perfect home for all of us.What other guy in my position would have ruled out there being another guy on her behalf,involved?

 

Iam still concerned that with us living apart and when she gets her own place with my daughter as is likely to still happen, that when she does eventually start to go out again with friends, she will know, and get used to not having to come home to me,although she has stayed out all night on more than 1 occasion throughout our marriage.I did ask her in the end that if you do go out with friends could you not stay out all night and come home which she agreed,and did do in the later part of last year.She said,when i asked about this as to not being the case at all, other than talking with other guys that approach her if shes out,and like she said, i will always get female attention, if out,which yes, i have had alot of in the past, but never cheated on her,she says she hasnt on me either, besides i dont have any money to go out, and i dont feel that i could be with anybody else right now,especially as to how i have been with the handling of our breakup.

 

We talked last night,face to face in the bedroom,she had bought our daughter round so while she played on pc downstairs,we thought it best to go through a few more things we were both unsure about.She told me that she was still confused and wishes that she could turn on a switch inside of her to make her feel wanting me in the way i deserve again now.She said it was totally on her now to make herself feel this way as she has seen and respected how committed i have been in wanting to save our marriage,thinking before that i would never have forgiven her for leaving with the children, that i would meet someone else quick and move on.Well 18 years together means alot to me,i want to do all i can to save it.

 

She said that she was confused when she gave certain reasons for leaving,when we met up a couple of days after she left.She had been taking ADs but said she wants to stay off of them to relate to her true feelings.She will see her counciler if this particular feeling she has with me is depression related. I have been reading here at eNotAlone that depression from one or both parties can play a major factor in a relationship that has broken down,or preventing a reconciliation.

 

Hopefully the marriage counsiling together, after hers and mine alone, will help us understand more.My wife has said she would find out if we could get this through her GP also,but im thinking maybe for any marriage counciling together it should be at a different consultancy,would this be the better option?I would again appreciate any advice and thanks again for reading.

[Cuppedia]

 

Hopefully the marriage counsiling together, after hers and mine alone, will help us understand more.My wife has said she would find out if we could get this through her GP also,but im thinking maybe for any marriage counciling together it should be at a different consultancy,would this be the better option?I would again appreciate any advice and thanks again for reading.

 

Okay, I'm not sure I understood that final question,

Do you wonder if it would be a good idea to seek help through the GP or if it would be better to specifically search for a marriage counselor?.

 

If it's neither feel free to correct me .

 

So, if it's what I suggested then the important part is that she is willing to do it, whatever she can try to arrange is good at this point, if nothing comes out of it or if you believe she'll end up procrastinating just try not to worry, if you don't put pressure it will make it easier, like you are respecting her judgement for when is a good time to start.

 

But say, if a month passes and she still hasn't made the appointment then you could ask what's going on.