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My Girlfriend (30) Has No Interest in Sex and I Love Her

Socapex

By Socapex
in Sex and Romance

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Socapex Newbie

Socapex

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Hi,

I randomly found this site this morning (almost 4 and I can't sleep) and decided to reach out for some advice.

 

My girlfriend is 30 and I am 31. She has no interest in sex and it has become a huge problem in our relationship. She says that her issue does not bother her, and while she can see that it is a source of intense frustration for me, I will likely have to live with it.

 

She says that she thinks that all sex acts are "degrading," especially oral, which is, of course, what I am most interested in.

 

The worst part is that it didn't used to be like this. Four or five years ago she couldn't get enough. Then, after she convinced me to quit drinking and quit smoking, and become totally monogamous with her it's like she turned of the sex faucet.

 

Of course, now I'm a jerk for wanting it, and for asking for it, and when I get it it's miserable. She just lays there and tells me to "be quick."

 

I love her to death, and we've been planning to spend the rest of our lives together, but I don't know if I can do it like this.

 

We've started looking for a therapist, but she is unwilling to see a sexual expert because she is not comfortable talking about it.

 

Furthermore it seems like she is unwilling to compromise.

 

I don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of life, nevermind the fact that I have become this pathetic character who masturbates in the bathroom each night while fantasizing about the girl in his bed who loves him.

 

It's wrecking me.

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Sparkly Eyes Collaborator

Sparkly Eyes

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I am really sorry. What do you mean she could not get enough? like how often you used to have sex before? is she completely healthy now? is she on any BC or other medication?

 

if she had sex with you to get you to the commitment trap, it was not nice of her at all! sex IS an important aspect of a relasionship and altho during time sex drive of ppl may change it should not become non existent or suddenly degrading!

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Socapex Newbie

Socapex

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Earlier in our relationship we would have sex as often as we spent the night together, sometimes four times a week or more with plenty of oral on both sides.

 

These days a very rushed once a week, perhaps twice if I'm lucky, but it's always "do it fast" with no input from her. I also get a BJ for my birthday, and maybe once more during the year, but it's as if I had asked her to lick the toilets in Penn Station.

 

 

She is on birth control, but a few years back, thinking that this might be the issue I asked her to change pills. She did, but no change in her attitudes.

 

One thing that I did not mention is that when when things were good sexually we were both a mess. I was drinking far to much far too often and she was taking too much Ambien (a sleeping pill) almost every night.

 

Now that I no longer drink or smoke, now that I have opened two IRAs at her urging, now that I am striving to be successful at my career, now that I am trying to fix my credit she is totally uninterested.

 

I don't think that the years of good sex were some ploy to get me to commit, but she seems completely uninterested in seriously getting to the bottom of why things are like this. Her low libido does not bother her.

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Sparkly Eyes Collaborator

Sparkly Eyes

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I don't think that the years of good sex were some ploy to get me to commit, but she seems completely uninterested in seriously getting to the bottom of why things are like this. Her low libido does not bother her.

 

Im sorry but it has to bother her if she loves you! she can not expect you to stay with her if she thinks she may act like this forever. Altho once a week is not that bad, I know couples that have it once a year. But anyway, the thing I am saying is she should want to invest on her problem, go to counseling with you trying to find out what is wrong. You know what I mean? just showing you she loves you and she does that for you.

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Sn0man Proficient

Sn0man

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That would really bother me, to be honest. She convinces you to give up everything you enjoy (smoking, drinking, now sex) and she won't even listen to your plea to get her into therapy. Something is amiss..

 

Take up smoking and drinking again. Might as well, a man's gotta have something! (joking)

 

Don't marry her whatever you do. If this is a problem before marriage, just imagine how it's going to be after.

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DN Grand Master

DN

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The chances are that she was always like this but faked interest in sex knowing you would not have committed to her otherwise. Now she believes that she can guilt you into staying with her.

 

Don't fall for it. If she is not willing to have a normal, healthy sex life with you or find out why not then you should leave because all that you will have is months and years of frustrated unhappiness. I know that you love her but that will not be enough.

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annie24 Grand Master

annie24

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The chances are that she was always like this but faked interest in sex knowing you would not have committed to her otherwise. Now she believes that she can guilt you into staying with her.

 

Don't fall for it. If she is not willing to have a normal, healthy sex life with you or find out why not then you should leave because all that you will have is months and years of frustrated unhappiness. I know that you love her but that will not be enough.

 

yes, i agree.

 

did something happen to her last year? like was she raped or assaulted or something?

 

i definitely think if she is not willing to work out this issue, you should break up. you can't spend the rest of your life getting sex once a year from your wife.

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BeStrongBeHappy Experienced

BeStrongBeHappy

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I think going to a counselor is the right decision. If something has happened to her that needs treatment, or she has a medical conditon, then she'll help there.

 

If she faked it for years and no interest in it, that is an entirely different problem. Basically a marriage without sex is not a true marriage. You may be 'best friends' but you need to be able to sleep with your wife and have a decent sex life, or the marriage really isn't valid and most likely won't last.

 

I'm also concerned that she feels no desire to try to please you and makes you feel bad about something that is normal and healthy. If she genuinely loves you the way she should, she should want you to be happy and work with you to ensure you are. Otherwise she might be too selfish, and the marriage may not work out for this and other reasons.

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