I am really confused.

[mp5pdwj]

I really need help with my situation. Here is my story:

 

I am 19 years old and I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 3 years. She is the love of my life and I can not imagine being without her. With that being said, around six months ago, she graduated from high school and decided to go to UCSB for school. UCSB is around a 2 hour drive from my house. She chose to go away to college because this is something that she has always wanted to do (which I knew when we started dating) and her parents have been pressuring her to do it since she was little. They believe that she will get some good "life experience" from it.

 

Since she has been away, our relationship has just felt different. We have talked on the phone everyday for our entire relationship. We still talk every night before we go to sleep, and I see her once every two weeks (that was a promise that we made each other when she left). We have both made incredible impacts on each other's lives and she is the sweetest, most amazing girl that I have ever met. I have been in a long, exclusive relationship before and I have never felt this way about another girl.

 

Like I said in the last paragraph, our relationship has felt different recently. It does not seem as strong as it once was and I think it is because she went away to college. It is an extremely hard situation to put into words. We have been gradually falling apart because of the distance and it is killing me. We have recently talked about it on the phone and we decided to not talk to each other every night to see if that "spark" returns. We have also talked about breaking up for a couple of years while she is away at college and getting back together later in life, but I am afraid that if we do go that route, she may find someone else and also, it is one of my "rules" that I do not take breaks.

 

Another thing that makes this situation confusing is that she does not just want to get a BA, she wants a Master's and a PHD, and when I asked her where she wanted to get a PHD, she replied, "Chicago". She wants to travel, while I want to get a job and buy a house. If she does get a PHD (which she is not even sure what she wants to do), it will be around 8 years. WOW, that is a long time.

 

I just do not know what to do. I want to work things out so badly, but it is just hard. Does anyone have any suggestions? I really need help on this. I love her so much and I want the best for her but I can not even imagine losing her. And the thought of seeing her with another guy, even if we were on a break, would drive me insane. PLEASE HELP ME. I am open to all suggestions. Thanks ahead of time.

[staircase]

Who suggested a break from calling each other every night?

[mp5pdwj]

I came up with the idea. We both decided that something needed to be done. It was the first thing that popped into my mind. I figured that if we did not talk everynight, we would realize how much we enjoy each other. We decided to talk around once a week. This was three days ago, and she called me tonight and we talked for an hour and a half.

[punchface]

Buddy, your young. If she wants to be with you, she would have never suggested a break. Not to mention, from experience, alot of girls in college don't have relationships because they want to be whores for a little while. You should let her do what she wants and if you stay in touch with her, you just might be able to keep her in your life. Don't put your head down, if she wants to try out other guys, you should try to see what other girls are like. Who knows you might find someone you like more than her.

[mp5pdwj]

The thing is, that is not the type of girl she is. She is the nicest, most innocent girl that I have ever known. She does not party, she is really focused on her grades, and she is faithful. Trust me, there is not another guy. She tells me that she still cares about me, and I believe her. She is genuinely interested in making this work, but she, like me, does not know what to do. She wants our relationship to be like the way it used to be but just does not know how to make it that way. Her biggest fear is that our relationship keeps deteriorating and then she gets closer with another guy and that she would have to break up with me because she liked another guy. She doesn't want it to get to that point. I need to figure out how to stop the relationship from going downhill and turn it around before it is too late. I do not want to lose her.

[mp5pdwj]

Also, I am the one who suggested a break from talking on the phone so often, in order to help us appreciate each other more instead of taking each other for granted.

[skittlesfae]

She wants our relationship to be like the way it used to be but just does not know how to make it that way..

Okay I don't know if my advice is any good or not, but I think I should give it to you anyway.

Maybe you two are too hung up on what 'used to be'.. I have a feeling that distance is going to change how things used to be, think about it: you're whole routine with each other has changed. You don't get to see her hardly as much, you only talk on the phone basically... She's probably got some stress and pressure from classes as well. You have whatever you have going on in your life. Things aren't going to be 'the way they were'. At least not for now, I wouldn't think. Try to make the best of it, don't think too much on how good you used to have it, think about how good you have it now. I'm sure there is still a lot of good coming from your relationship, right? Try focusing more on that.

As for the whole 'going a week without talking thing', are you sure that's such a great idea? I mean, I can barely stand a whole week of just not seeing my guy. Why not try every other night, or every other couple nights instead? See where that gets you? [although, I honestly don't know how going any number of nights without talking works, because I myself have not tried it...] Try incorporating IM and Email as well? Just try not to make the the main form of communication, or it might get hard to actually talk.

 

Maybe if nothing else works, and you have both tried everything you possibly could, then you might try the 'taking a break' idea. Not so sure about for the whole two years, but if you both feel it might help... I don't know.

But one thing I think is, you might need to try enjoying the way things are, and accepting that it might not be exactly how it was before for a while, not til you can be close in distance again. [by which I don't mean stop trying to make it better altogether, just see if you can see the good in the situation and concentrate on that more...]

 

I'm a year behind you in years however and have only had one long term relationship [my first relationship, actually..], so I'm again not so sure how sound my advice is. But figured it would help some, even if it just gets you thinking or something. =/

[mp5pdwj]

While I agree with what you are saying, the problem is, things are not the way they used to be even when we see each other. I'm not sure how to explain it. My situation is just confusing. Thanks for your advice.

[skittlesfae]

While I agree with what you are saying, the problem is, things are not the way they used to be even when we see each other. I'm not sure how to explain it. My situation is just confusing. Thanks for your advice.

Hm. How exactly are things when you see each other? And on the phone as well?

[mp5pdwj]

Things are okay when we are on the phone. She is one of my best friends and we do not have any problems talking about anything. But in person, it just seems like that spark that we once had, is gradually going away. It started going away when she went away to college and I really want to figure out how to get that feeling back. Maybe it is just the distance, but if it is the distance, the distance is ruining our relationship. I have thought about moving to Santa Barbara (where she goes to college), but I could not imagine leaving all of my friends and family for a girl. I love my job, and make a ton of money for being only 19, and I still do not make enough money to pay for my own place, my car payments, gas, insurance, utilities and food.

[Nutz]

Oh. My. God. Break up, live life, and get some perspective. You're way too young to even be thinking about this girl like this. You have a LOT of growing up to do. She's going to be 2 hours away and will likely be boinking guys left right and center and that's how it is. Get used to it, cut your losses, and move on.

[mp5pdwj]

You know, you can't just "cut your losses" and move on when you feel the way that people do when they are in a relationship, and have been in a relationship for as long as we have. I have been with this girl for around three years and have been committed to her. I have sacrificed a lot to be with her and I should not have to "give up" me to. It is unfair to me and to her for you to just assume that she is a * * * * * and say that she will be "boinking guys left and right". I understand that you do not know her, because if you did, there is no way that you would have said any of the things that you did. By responding to my problem like that you just seem ignorant and it seems as though nyou have ever been in a long/important relationship. thereforee, your advice means nothing to me. Thanks for wasting your time.

[JenniferSNJ]

I just do not know what to do. I want to work things out so badly, but it is just hard. Does anyone have any suggestions? I really need help on this. I love her so much and I want the best for her but I can not even imagine losing her. And the thought of seeing her with another guy, even if we were on a break, would drive me insane. PLEASE HELP ME. I am open to all suggestions. Thanks ahead of time.

 

It's hard to make a relationship transition from high school to college. I did it and stayed with him until my senior year of college, but ended up leaving him anyway. I guess what I'm saying is that there are no definites. There is no guarantee if you break up that you won't both meet other people. College is a time for change. People change a lot before, during, and after college. Just try to go with the flow and be realistic. Evaluate how you feel towards her. If you aren't feeling it anymore then it's time to leave. Don't let fear hold you back.

[penelope13]

your story reminds me a lot of my little brother. He started dating this wonderful girl when he was 15. But once they graduated from High School he wanted to go abroad and study, which is a very normal development, a goal that he had for a very long time. While he still loved this girl, he also realized that he was still very young to already commit to someone. Once he had been at university he realized very soon that there were still so many experiences that he had to do and that in some ways he would be missing out if he had a serious girlfriend waiting for him somewhere. So although he loved her, he broke up with her. - They were both very upset about it at the time.

 

But it turned out to be the right thing for both of them. It gave them both the opportunity to persue their education and start building their careers. Neither of them slept around, but honestly, you experience college/ university totally differently if your mind is not constantly on someone who is waiting for you.

 

They both stayed in contact since the breakup. He encouraged her as well to go to university and now she has a very good job in a prestigious company. She came to his wedding and they both said to me, that although difficult at the time, it was the right thing for them to have broken up at the time.

[JenniferSNJ]

Oh. My. God. Break up, live life, and get some perspective. You're way too young to even be thinking about this girl like this. You have a LOT of growing up to do. She's going to be 2 hours away and will likely be boinking guys left right and center and that's how it is. Get used to it, cut your losses, and move on.

 

Not nice. party foul.

[rbr85]

Take her off the pedestal. Giver her space. I'm sorry to say it, but I believe long distance relationships are almost always unsustainable. Sure she seems like the greatest thing to ever happen to you, nicest, bestest, everything yada but we tend to see people through rose colored glasses. It sounds like you are too dependent on her for your own happiness.

[mp5pdwj]

The thing is... I was thinking about it and if we did end up breaking up, I do not think that I would be satisfied with another girl. My girlfriend is way above any girl than I have ever met, and it would be near impossible to find a girl who even comes close.

[Nutz]

The thing is... I was thinking about it and if we did end up breaking up, I do not think that I would be satisfied with another girl. My girlfriend is way above any girl than I have ever met, and it would be near impossible to find a girl who even comes close.

 

Again, stop putting her on a pedestal.

[Bartok]

The thing is... I was thinking about it and if we did end up breaking up, I do not think that I would be satisfied with another girl. My girlfriend is way above any girl than I have ever met, and it would be near impossible to find a girl who even comes close.

I thought the same thing about my first big crush in high school. While that's not quite on the same as a three year relationship, I believe my point stands.

 

If you are falling apart because of the distance, there's nothing you can do. Just accept it, be glad that you had those experiences, and move on.

[mp5pdwj]

The thing is, even though I am so young, this is not my first long relationship. I have dated a girl for 6 months, one for 9 months, and one for a little over a year (with a bunch of shorter relationships in between). I have NEVER had feelings this strong for ANY of those girls. It is not like I think that I can not live without my first crush, the feelings for this girl are real, I just do not want things to change and I want to find a way to prevent them from changing.

[mp5pdwj]

bump...........

[Truth317]

It sounds like the distance is what's causing you to lose that spark. I really don't know how you can make this situation any better. But I wish you well. The only suggestion I can offer is that if you REALLY truly want to be with this woman you will have to accept it. It's a long distance relationship and you knew of the circumstances when you first got involved.

[rbr85]

The thing is, even though I am so young, this is not my first long relationship. I have dated a girl for 6 months, one for 9 months, and one for a little over a year (with a bunch of shorter relationships in between). I have NEVER had feelings this strong for ANY of those girls. It is not like I think that I can not live without my first crush, the feelings for this girl are real, I just do not want things to change and I want to find a way to prevent them from changing.

 

Feelings change, and they are supposed to. Life is a roller coaster not a merry go round. Your feelings are also part of the ride. Don't try to change what is, you can only surrender to the circumstance and choose how you will react to it. Almost all relationships that begin in teenage years do not end in marriage. It sounds like you got her high up on a pedestal. What happens is this... No human being can live up to that standard. Your girlfriend while I believe you she is a wonderful person, eats, craps, burps, like the rest of us. She's just a person. No human being can live up to this standard of being put on a pedestal. When you view them as "perfect" it gives them an unattainable standard to live up to, that is enough to destroy any relationship. Try "perfectly imperfect". View her as your equal, and then recognize your feelings are changing, be HONEST with her about your feelings, and understand that no matter what happens, YOU CAN HANDLE IT. I don't know how many times I thought I found the one girl, and that I'd never find anyone I could like just as much. Then we break up. And I do find another girl. And then we break up. Etc.. Live comes around full circle.

[mp5pdwj]

bump... again.

[mp5pdwj]

Just an update... Tonight we talked on the phone and decided to end it. It is really hard for both of us, but we both think that it is whats best to do. College sucks...