new here and needing advice

[zarkey]

Hello all, I am new here and wish to ask for some advice. I find this difficult to talk about with friends and family, so I thought I'd come here and see if it was a bit easier to be honest.

 

I've been going out with a girl for a month and a half. I had my eye on her for some time (since around June) and was thrilled when she asked me out. It turned out she had been interested in me since about the same time too! On our first date, we went to a movie and got coffee. She revealed to me that she is pregnant. I'm in my early 20s and hadn't imagined I'd have children for many years. So I was taken aback by the news. I blanked, then regained my footing. I asked a few questions. She was 3 months along; it was the result of a bad decision. The date went great. I thought about it afterward: should this girl's pregnancy be a problem? Should I not date her just because she made a mistake?

 

I decided no. I wasn't going to hold her mistake against her. We arranged for another date and our relationship blossomed. I had to slow things down at one point though because she wanted to get to sex really soon. She is a great girl. So sweet. So supportive of me and encouraging. So beautiful physically and as a person. We have some differences in background. She comes from a very working class, rural family with a military background. My family is a bunch of academic types: professors, etc. Yet we are very similar in temperament: both shy, both empathetic and highly regarded by friends.

 

But trouble started brewing in my mind. I began posing questions to myself. What is the deal with the father? Were they in a relationship? Did they try to use protection? Does he want to be a part of the child's life? I asked about him, but found that she tried to tell only enough to answer the question. She didn't want to give me the whole story. They didn't have a relationship. He is going to be supportive. It was a mistake. This just made things worse. My mind raced with the possibilities. I am a bit conservative when it comes to relationships. I have never slept around. I never was into someone just for sex. I had actually only been with one person, in a long-term relationship. So her past was troubling to me. I asked his name and when she told me, it was the most bizarre and immediate reaction. I didn't know who he was. But just simply hearing his name made him suddenly more real. I felt sick with pangs of jealousy. My mind raced ever faster. For three days it was all I could think about. Yet I felt I couldn't talk about it with her because it made her uncomfortable.

 

I soon did, though, over text message (which was a bad medium for serious conversation). She revealed that her and the baby's father had sex a few times over a couple of weeks. It was just sex. But she didn't say much else. I had gathered since the time we got to know each other that she has long had body-image problems and issues with wanting to feel desired. Was this the reason for the sex with this guy? I dared not try to breach the psychological reasons for her "mistake".

 

We continued on with our relationship, having a wonderful time with each other over the holidays and, most recently, my birthday. She wants a serious relationship with me. A long-term relationship. She wants me to basically take a fatherly role along with being her boyfriend. I want a serious relationship with her too, but I don't know if I'm ready to be a father. And I still have issues with her past. I honestly don't want to; every logical cell in my mind is pushing to move on and not worry about it. But there is some primal chemical thing happening inside me that is making me insanely jealous of her past; I get chills and become angry and sad. I think about the possibilities: if she'd never gotten pregnant, if she'd been more careful, if she hadn't had such a meaningless physical relationship with some guy, if either of us had the courage to ask the other out just a few months earlier. We could be enjoying our youths together right now instead of worrying about the future and growing up out of necessity. I feel so bad about being selfish in this situation. The reaction I'm having is causing occasional emotional and physical pain in me. But I know I can find peace in this if I give it time and am open and honest. But I need that returned too. My first relationship was dysfunctional because it was a long-distance relationship that lasted 5 years (it ended after she moved to Africa). This one is my second and is dysfunctional because my girlfriend is pregnant and it isn't my child. I have moments when I am so sure that I love this girl and would do anything for her. But then I have moments when I freak out and don't know how to handle all of this.

 

There is so much more to all of this, but it's already really long. I apologize for that. Does anyone out there have any thoughts on this?

[bluexin99]

If i were you, i'd listen to my head and not my heart. Breaking it off with her might seem painful now, but if you don't, you'll probably end up suffering more.

 

True, she made a "mistake". Do you want to make one as well? Are you ready to father someone else's kid? How's your family going to react when they find out?

 

From your post, i don't think you're ready for this at all.

[cruzer]

I think it boils down to if u can handle it, if ur strong enough, if u want it bad enough.

It wont be a "mistake" to be with her and raise a kid that is not yours...

It does however seem your not ready for this.

 

My dad met my step mom who had a really young kid, and they have been married over 10 years, he has adopted the kid and its still going strong. Does that mean it was a mistake?

[zarkey]

i tend to have the romantic view that love will get me through anything. if i love her, we can handle her life situation together. i just have so many conflicting thoughts. nothing is organized. the logical part of my brain comes up with reasons for and against the relationship. the emotional part of my brain does the same.

[cruzer]

Well i too had bad thoughts about dating a girl who had a kid but then i thought, what if this is the woman for me but i refuse to try it because she has a kid.

 

For me, im not sure ill ever want kids, a woman that has a kid already, might not want another, or even if they do, i wont feel obligated because they already have 1.

 

Then i thought of how i would want to be with a woman who is smart, responsible, etc. having a kid at my age is not any of that.