Ex called me again tonight (3rd time since Sunday)

[HopeArises]

Well, my ex now officially called me on Sunday night, Tuesday night and tonight.

We actually spoke for half an hour. We're officially on for Saturday night.

 

I have to say that the dynamic we had last Saturday (us crossing the line from being just friends to making out, holding hands and openly discussing the fact that she still has romantic feelings for me) doesn't seem to be present in conversation. She seems like she BACKED UP 10000 miles since then, yet, is now pursuing me with that emotional detachment vibe?

 

I think she's bored/lonely for friends/companionship. I don't know if I still hold the key to her heart. She's much more formal and aloof with me now. Again, either it's safer for her to be that at the moment, or she just doesn't have the feelings she used to.

 

What I do know, is that she's being herself. Meaning, she's not really holding back her personality, but she's holding back her feelings, that's for sure.

 

For all those who don't know our history, we dated for 8 months and she left me almost 6 weeks ago. I NEVER once chased, begged, pleaded or did any other anti-seductive things post breakup.

 

We had our first friend date 4 days after the break up (initiated by me) and then we just so happen to see each other once a week since then (all DATE like meetings). Last Saturday we had an awesome time and we bonded (she let go quite a bit) and since then, she's been pursuing me (has called me 3 times already).

 

It's a tough spot and I'm taking Sparkie's advice here. I saw how he turned it around and he has given me some solid advice and so has Pandaman, Maverick, Jasper and Dahlia and many others as well.

 

I'm playing it cool. The more you play it cool, the cooler you become ...

[Elsewhere]

She keeps calling and sounds like 1000000 miles away - SHE is trying to play it cool harder than you

[pumpkinmoon]

Well it sounds to me like she is certainly interested Bet you can't wait for Saturday

[stabbedintheback]

Great news. Glad it seems to be getting better day by day. Keep us posted.

[HopeArises]

Thanks for the support boys and girls.

 

Tell me, what do you make of the fact that she's calling, but doesn't sound all that IN TO ME when on the phone, YET, she is calling and is accepting to see me AGAIN on Saturday night (just like last Saturday)?

 

Her aloof/casual/detached and almost indifferent tone is hard to ignore yet, her actions are speaking loud as well! Confusing....hahaha

 

What do you make of this?

[Xplode]

im a firm believe of some time apart, i dont really call it a break up, if hasnt been a couple weeks i dont think feeelings have settled,

 

but hey, im really glad for ya that she is doing the calling

[Pandaman211]

Yeah I got to agree with the above posters. Short and sweet but to the point. But don't let your head blow up and become absolutely pleased with yourself and partying about this specific thing ya know? (you should be more than happy with yourself, you've made AWESOME changes to your life, and you're on the right path, had a bump there, but you're still going) Don't pay to much attention to how she is acting aloof and 10000 miles away. Screw it. She called you, you guys set it up, its on. She wasn't exactly jumping all over hanging out or sounding all awesome on the phone before your first date, right? So it doesn't mean a thing. Just do what you did last time, be yourself, have fun, display confidence, be calm, and DONT overanalyze ANYTHING that she does/says while you're WITH HER. DONT. She will recognize your drop or temporary hault in your level of w/e (if that makes sense lol).

 

Just focus on being yourself, and having fun. Fun is the key. If you have an opportunity, say something smooth, but not cheesy, and don't forcifully do it. Take what she gives you. Until then, enjoy your life, and have fun to keep your mind at ease.

[HopeArises]

Yeah, my head is actually not blown up at all. I'm pleased that she's calling me, but to be honest, the phone conversations haven't been THAT fun or exciting. I can't lie and say that I've enjoyed talking to her THAT MUCH (then again, she's never really been a phone person).

 

I'm just recounting what went down without trying to over analyze things too much.

 

The message I'm getting from her is that she is lonely for friends. I don't know how she sees me any longer. I used to think that you can't hide your feelings and that it comes accross in your voice/tone, but I may be wrong!

 

Anyways, it's great that she's becoming the initiator and I'll do my part to make Saturday a fun afternoon/evening for the two of us.

 

Look, she knows that I'm not pushing her into anything. She knows that I care and that I would be open to starting something NEW with her and she also knows that it can't be rushed.

 

All in all, I'm pleased with my progress.

 

Thanks guys!

[Pandaman211]

No problem man. We're here for ya. You just have to stay cautiously positive. And what I mean by that, is while being positive, try and stay as detached from the outcome as you can. Its pretty difficult and why not many people are able to pull it off, but thought I'd throw that in there. I'm glad you're taking it in stride. Heck, if you know you're going to overanalyze it, just go ahead and get it out of your system right now, lol, versus Thursday and Friday night. Those are the nights you want to have your mind at ease.

 

I also want to add this. If you get there with her and shes acting all weird and distant, do w/e it takes to not drop your level of confidence, excitement, fun, etc. When you retain a high level of this when the person/people you are with are not near it, its highly addictive, and speaks volumes about your character (that you will not be phased by negativity or whatnot). And in the rare case that they don't at some point adapt to your level, you continue to keep it, because at least you tried your best to have a good time. It goes to back to having no regrets. If you change it based on hers (lowers yours if thats how shes acting), you will come back home and say "Damn, I should've been more fun, spontaneous, etc".

[HopeArises]

Pandaman,

 

I do have a question for you. Isn't there an inherent contradiction in her actions and her words? Meaning, she calls me now and is accepting to see me on Saturday night (2 weekends in a row) and yet, she sounds distant and bordering on uninterested. What do you make of this.

 

Actually, I have another question if you don't mine...haha..

 

She KNOWS I MAY want more than to be just friends, but knows that I am letting her drive this car as you've put it in the past. SO, with that knowledge, if she didn't feel the same way with me, wouldn't she NOT be accepting these "dates" and calling me, not to lead me on? If of course she didn't have those "feelings" for me?

[Pandaman211]

Pandaman,

 

I do have a question for you. Isn't there an inherent contradiction in her actions and her words? Meaning, she calls me now and is accepting to see me on Saturday night (2 weekends in a row) and yet, she sounds distant and bordering on uninterested. What do you make of this.

 

Actually, I have another question if you don't mine...haha..

 

She KNOWS I MAY want more than to be just friends, but knows that I am letting her drive this car as you've put it in the past. SO, with that knowledge, if she didn't feel the same way with me, wouldn't she NOT be accepting these "dates" and calling me, not to lead me on? If of course she didn't have those "feelings" for me?

 

I really have absolutely no idea why shes doing that. Yeah, there possibly could be a contradiction, but it doesn't have to mean anything, and really might not. I think you ask a womens advice on this one, ShoeFairy and Elsewhere, and they feel that she is somewhat interested, kind of gauging to see if you really have changed or not. That really could be it. Or she could be tired and stressed from work.

 

To answer your 2nd ?, I don't think any decent human being would accept and/or initiate these hang outs to lead you on. Then again, I've been proven wrong before. Your ex seems like a good woman, and wouldn't do that. Until she it becomes clear that her intention is to not be with you, there is no reason to think that she may not want to.

[blue_dahlia]

I do have a question for you. Isn't there an inherent contradiction in her actions and her words? Meaning, she calls me now and is accepting to see me on Saturday night (2 weekends in a row) and yet, she sounds distant and bordering on uninterested. What do you make of this.

 

Actually, I have another question if you don't mine...haha..

 

She KNOWS I MAY want more than to be just friends, but knows that I am letting her drive this car as you've put it in the past. SO, with that knowledge, if she didn't feel the same way with me, wouldn't she NOT be accepting these "dates" and calling me, not to lead me on? If of course she didn't have those "feelings" for me?

 

You may not like this, but you asked - Dumpers can also have a problem letting you even though they broke up with you. Just throwing it out there, none of us actually know what's going on, but it's important that you see this from all angles. A true Jedi is always prepared.

 

I think it's great that she's initiating - that's a positive. You have another date set up and that's a positive. Only time will tell. Stay cool, confident, no pressure and patient, patient, patient

[Sparkie]

Actions mate, actions. She is calling. She is catching up with you. Hell, last week she made out with you.

 

It could be part of an evil plan to destroy you, or she could just be a bit confused and conflicted. If she wanted to try again (somewhere in her heart), what would she need to do?

 

Accept your phonecalls.

Agree to see you

Try and have fun when she does.

Maybe even cut you some slack and call you on occasion.

Maybe even let Mr Clingy off the hook on occasion.

 

Is she not doing this??

 

So what if she sounds a bit distant on the phone. She's a human. Don't expect her to be perfect, and consistent all the time. You're not!

 

Sure it might not work out. But in a certain time frame, only so much can happen. It's happening.

[Pandaman211]

Actions mate, actions. She is calling. She is catching up with you. Hell, last week she made out with you.

 

It could be part of an evil plan to destroy you, or she could just be a bit confused and conflicted. If she wanted to try again (somewhere in her heart), what would she need to do?

 

Accept your phonecalls.

Agree to see you

Try and have fun when she does.

Maybe even cut you some slack and call you on occasion.

Maybe even let Mr Clingy off the hook on occasion.

 

Is she not doing this??

 

So what if she sounds a bit distant on the phone. She's a human. Don't expect her to be perfect, and consistent all the time. You're not!

 

Sure it might not work out. But in a certain time frame, only so much can happen. It's happening.

 

 

Nice. Add be patient too. Don't expect everything to be perfect and incredible soon(few days, few weeks, etc) after this date if it goes well like the first one.

[HopeArises]

Nice. Add be patient too. Don't expect everything to be perfect and incredible soon(few days, few weeks, etc) after this date if it goes well like the first one.

 

Just expecting to have a good time

[Maverick212]

Definitley good signs that she is calling you, 3 times now since everything that had happened the other night. it seems like you playing it cool and keeping your emotions intact without you begging for her attention is paying off big time.

 

alright so this is good, you guys are def on for the weekend, and the same rules apply, play it cool, keep it light and enjoy eachothers company, that's it, dont go in with any expectations, that will complicate things.

 

it's a tad confusing that she is the one calling you but yet seems distant on the phone. it sounds like she is trying very hard to keep her cool too, maybe a lil too hard like someone on your thread mentioned. but look it's not the words over the phone, or the the tone over the phone that matters right now, that could just be more of her skeptism about all this. what is going to matter is her actions when she is with you this weekend. if she acts the same way she did on your last date, all systems go. your in good shape as it is, keep there and only move forward.

[Adge]

From what I can see, it looks like she wants to come back. She's doing it slowly though, so you need to be cool too. You are doing a fantastic job.

 

It is so very obvious she is still keen. You need to show her a good time and have fun and she'll keep thinking about you and only you. The great thing is, you know what to do!

 

I reckon in a couple of weeks, you guys will be officially back together and you'll be back on track. I honestly do.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think she has become such the center of your world that you hang on her every thought, sigh, nuance etc.

 

Really, all that may be happening is she had a bad day and is feeling down, or is tired, or just heard something that depressed her etc. You are WAY too focused on her emotions, and need to ramp back and just let her be and not hover over her.

 

The thing about this is that you are constantly monitoring her with the back of your mind going 'what's in it for me? how did what she say just affect me? does this mean she likes or doesn't like me?' If you want this to move forward, you need to take some of the 'me' out of the interactions, and start focusing on listening to what she is saying without trying to interpret what it could mean.

 

As Freud says, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Perhaps she had a bad day, and your overanalyzing it is more about you than about her.

 

The way to know how she feels is to ask her directly, as in, do you want to just be friends, or would you consider trying to make it work. Then you negotiate, or make a decision about whether you want to participate in what she has to offer. If you are hovering over her and get wrung out every time she doesn't act happy or in a way that makes you feel secure or moving in the direction you want to go, you will squeeze the life out of her and the relationship.

 

Just practice chilling out and accepting things where they are now, letting them float a little, and communicate about your questions for her rather than assuming anything.

 

For example, if she sounded down and distant like she did, an appropriate response would be, 'you sound down today, did you have a bad day?' NOT 'you sound distant, does this mean you don't want me anymore.' You need to be more open to let her feel her own feelings without panicking or trying to turn it into something about you and YOUR feelings, not her and her feelings.

[HopeArises]

if she sounded down and distant like she did, an appropriate response would be, 'you sound down today, did you have a bad day?' NOT 'you sound distant, does this mean you don't want me anymore.' You need to be more open to let her feel her own feelings without panicking or trying to turn it into something about you and YOUR feelings, not her and her feelings.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will apply it as I see fit.