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Maybe my misfortune will help others feel better


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So I broke up with my ex of 5.5 years in october 2007. Although I treated her very well, I was never fully in it emotionally. Even at the end it stung, but it wasn't too bad. Hell a few weeks after we broke up I was trying to get at someone else. Well during my time of singledom I reflected about myself, my place in the world, and the relationship. I realized I made a huge mistake in letting her go and what she truly meant to me. Tried to reconcile in May of 2008. That failed. This turned into a major attack of depression and anxiety. So here I am 15 months after the breakup and 8 months after the failed reconciliation and mental breakdown and I still feel like s**t. And its not the feeling of not being with someone that hurts. I think I can deal with that. Its the feeling of not being with her that hurts like hell. So for those feeling low at least you are not as pathetic as me. They say time heals all wounds, well at this rate I cannot imagine ever healing. Its been way too long.

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We all make mistakes and you realized she is what you wanted all this time. You shouldn't feel bad, you gave it a try and it didn't work out. I'm sure she felt horrible after you two broke up and the tides have turned. It's time to pick yourself up and move on.

 

What have you been doing to heal? Improve? Why the change of heart? Why did the reconciliation fail?

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I see it as acceptance heals all wounds. Acceptance of what is may just take most time to do.

 

Note that acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and taking it. Acceptance is about learning that there are some things you can't change and that you have the power to do something about everything else you can. You can change your current situation. That does not mean it's easy, or that it'll happen overnight by one mere action. Ever heard the Einstein's famous quote - Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

Are you doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? have you tried a different approach to healing? Have you researched different methods or approaches to healing?

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We all make mistakes and you realized she is what you wanted all this time. You shouldn't feel bad, you gave it a try and it didn't work out. I'm sure she felt horrible after you two broke up and the tides have turned. It's time to pick yourself up and move on.

 

What have you been doing to heal? Improve? Why the change of heart? Why did the reconciliation fail?

To heal I moved out of the living situation that caused her to leave. I have made a better attempt to widen my social circle. This has been met with ho hum results. The change of heart came because when we got together at 19 years old I did not give a damn about compatibility. I was a little more shallow/desperate at the time. Well at 25 I was no longer in college and I was out on my own. I really started looking at my place in the world and how I fit in it. I realized I did not completely fit and she was compatible with me in some of the most special and unique ways. She fit my idiosyncracies (spelling?) like no other. When I initiated the reconciliation she seemed cool with it and we were on our way to get back together. Then a month later she got a job as county auditor, found a guy she was attracted to, and realized she did not want to leave her family/friends to be 200 miles away at a place she did not care for in the first place. The irony is like I said through most of the relationship I was nonchalant and she was the clingy/dependent/uber-love struck one.

 

As for now I am contemplating doing what she did and moving back closer to my family and friends. That will at least help numb my emotions. Some say the change will be good, others say I am running away.

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Do what feels right to you. Nobody is at fault here. You simply ended things and she did not want to continue. She could be afraid because you hurt her before. At the time she may have been the love struck one, but her feelings are different now. You should accept the way things ended and find yourself. It's going to take lots of time and soul searching if you really loved her. You'll be fine, but right now savor what you lost and move on when you're ready.

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Yeah I am trying. To be honest if she were to come back today and say lets get back together I do not know if I would do it. I am in love with the person who left. Who knows what she is like now. I just hate the fact that now matter how much I rationalize the whole situation I cannot make my emotions let go.

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Yeah I am trying. To be honest if she were to come back today and say lets get back together I do not know if I would do it. I am in love with the person who left. Who knows what she is like now. I just hate the fact that now matter how much I rationalize the whole situation I cannot make my emotions let go.

 

Emotions are a very tricky thing to deal with. They don't go away, however with time they do lose their sharpness and become dull. You may always love her, but it will not be the same type of love that you have now. Just like when you left, you loved her, but not in the way she wanted. With time it changed and with time it can change again.

 

I think you should take this time to do some inner-work and find what makes you happy. She is only one aspect of your past, you must accept that she is not part of your future and if things were meant to be, they will happen. Sometimes it's best to accept that it won't workout, even as much as you love her. It's going to be the hardest thing to do in your life. You will make it through this and your whole perspective on life and love will change.

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At the risk of sounding corny: One door closes, another opens. Sometimes the door that opens is bigger than the one that just closed.

Thats the next step, but I fear this nagging in my brain will prevent me from getting close to someone else. That kind of scares me.

 

My uncle has been divorced for a few years. He has dated some incredibly beautiful and successful women since the divorce, but I get the feeling no matter what he will not be happy unless its with his ex.

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The future is uncertain and scares a lot of people. The nagging in your brain will subside eventually. I have this idea of "What if I made a mistake" with my ex, too, from time to time. What if I wind up like my aunt - 45 and single, because my experience with women as of late has damaged my view of them? I keep getting hurt...what if I never recover? If I never trust again? What if that was my chance, if that was the best girl I'll ever find?

 

Let me turn that around: What if I DID reconcile with my ex and she hadn't changed, or changed for a week or two, even for a couple of months...what, then I'd be miserable again? I'd be a wreck again? She went to counseling for a YEAR and didn't get better, quitting a few months after she met me. Why would now be any different?

 

After I broke off my first abusive relationship about 9 years ago, I swore off women. I told myself I was damaged for good, it'll never get better. I started dating this really awesome girl who was my friend about 4 months later. I dumped her just because she was 17 and I was 21. But she was really nice, fun, and really had this interest in me. THAT, I regretted. When I saw her back with her ex, that stung. But SHE...she was all-around good. I thank you for writing this thread because I forgot about this until now, and it helped me realize that there ARE good women out there, and I met one and let her go...but that means they're out there. I just have to know where to look and what to look for.

 

My point is the "What ifs" go both ways.

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This was a very good message to the OP.

 

I love how you put it "what if's go both ways". They surely do. There is a strong chance that after status quo is established again with the ex things start to fall back to the way they were. Even when we ourselves feel we have changed we can also slip back into old routines rather easily. That isn't even considering the fact that the ex may not have changed at all since we can't know what is in their head.

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Very true. Everyone keeps telling me she may appear happy, but deep down she is probably still the same miserable and depressed person she was before. She just hides it more to keep up appearances. Who knows. I try not to think of it at all.

 

Instead of focusing on her happiness, focus on yours. Trying not to think about it is thinking about it. Counter productive. I say don't think green apple and what do you think of?

 

Acceptance is key and so is moving on. You really don't know how she feels or what she is doing. She is in pursuit of happiness for her and you should do the same. This chapter is closing and a new one begins.

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^Thats pretty much the M.O. Although it has been a difficult road finding happiness considering all the other things going on in my life. At this point I am pretty much making crap shoots with my life. We will see how it goes.

 

Finding happiness is never easy, however happiness has to deal with you and your choice of being happy. It's a state of mind and easily achievable, just your current circumstances is dragging you down. Just remember, you've obtained happiness before, what's stopping you now?

 

Good luck on your journey, I'm as lost as you are!

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