Going out... and your significant other...

[confusedleo]

Hi all,

 

This is my dilemma, last night my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to a Latin night with some girl friends of his. Now these girls are very full on and fiery but I have not let on that it bothers me to him as they are his friends. I had a couple of wines and when he asked me I blurted out very rudely “ I am not going to a Latin night!!! “ he was quite taken back by that and it resulted in an argument.

 

His argument was that just because we are a serious boyfriend and girlfriend does not mean that we don’t go out clubbing and going to bars etc. I said to him I don’t know any couples that go out on a regular basis drinking and so on with single people? This argument stems from the holiday we are planning in Greece. We are planning to go island hopping and again he bought up 3 days in 4 islands 2 days partying 1 day rest. I said to him can’t we enjoy the site seeing and he is like we can do that during the day and everyone parties at night time.

 

Thing is with my boyfriend he never did a lot of partying when he was young because he had a long term girlfriend and now he still wants to go out. Unlike me who had a HUGE social life while I was at university and now really just wants to settle.

 

He said to me that even when he gets married he doesn’t want to be jailed in a house with 4 walls and for us to watch re runs of sitcom’s ( apparently that’s what marriage is to him ).

 

I know it was wrong of me to blurt that out and I really am kicking myself that I didn’t say it nicer. Oh and just for the record I am 26 and he is 30.

 

So my question is ladies and gentleman, do you go out with your SO and how often does this occur. Maybe I need to get out more again?

 

Thanks for your time.

[Lionel Hutz]

Me and mine go out all of the time, well when we are together (LDR). I also go out alone too, she has no problem with it, as she does the same. Its a bit different since I make music and she studies dance, but even before then we always went out to listen to live music and party. It healthy to go out and enjoy a night on the town with him. Even if there are other people involved, its okay. Just because you are a couple doesnt mean you two dont have to go out to a social environment. Not everyone goes to bars/clubs to pick up. Its just a stress reliever. I'd say cut a little slack.

[annie24]

to be honest, i'm a little surprised you reacted in that way! i frequently go out on the town, bf or not. i'd be very happy if my bf asked me to go with him with friends to a latin night. i love latin nights! and i love guys who want to dance! the alternative is him just going without you to this nightclub with these gfs without asking you, and i'm not sure that you would appreciate it either.

 

yes, with bfs, i pretty regularly go out with them on the town, in a group and alone. but if that's not what you want, if you'd rather stay in, then maybe find a different bf?

[savignon]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to go out OR wanting to stay in. It just may be an area where you are not compatible. If he wants a long term partner who will go out and dance, party, etc. (and does not plan to settle down/watch sitcoms), then consider seriously if you'll both get what you're looking for in the long run. If you'd rather stay in and you feel like you're done with the bar scene, you may not be able to convince him to feel the same. Some of my couple friends still go out often to bars and clubs, etc. b/c it makes them both happy. Some don't and staying home cuddling and renting a movie is what they find most enjoyable.

[alli]

If the two of you were unaware of how often each of you liked to go out to social events, maybe you should have gotten to know each other more before you decided to be in a relationship. I'm not trying to be insulting or anything, but seriously... how could you not know how much he likes to party? And he not know how much you aren't up to it? There's nothing wrong with either, it's just an issue of compatability.

[confusedleo]

I know I shouldn't have behaved in that way.

 

I know deep down that it is VERY nice of him to want me to come out and go dancing. He loves music and dancing ( his father was a musician ) and he also is a great dancer might I add.

I was totally out of line with this one, now I feel even more terrible. As soon as it slipped out of my mouth I knew I had said the wrong thing.

 

Thing is also people know me as an out going girl, always going to events and being seen throughout the town. So I DO like going out but it was always when I was single. I think I just need to adjust to the fact that I have a boyfriend now and he also likes going out.

[confusedleo]

If the two of you were unaware of how often each of you liked to go out to social events, maybe you should have gotten to know each other more before you decided to be in a relationship. I'm not trying to be insulting or anything, but seriously... how could you not know how much he likes to party? And he not know how much you aren't up to it? There's nothing wrong with either, it's just an issue of compatability.

 

All of a suddern now he likes to go out. We have spent the past 6 months in and now that summer has hit he wants to go out. Before I met him I was out all the time!

[girl68]

So here's my situation:

 

I'm 24 by 31. I didn't have a big social life, so now I'm like PARRRRTAYYYY (sort of sound like your bf albeit there's an age reversal here but still...) and my bf has already been there done that. But he still tags along and parties right along with me. We go out about once a week. Clubbing is about 3 of those times and the other is to bar, hanging out at home drinking, dinner at pub or that sort of thing. We go with his friends which are now mutual friends.

 

You two are destined to fail if you never want to go out and he always does... It's about a balance. If I had my way I'd be clubbing, dancing (I love dancing I get shaky if I don't for too long) and drinking 2 times a week, but he would never keep up and would resent me for it. So for him I tone it down and we only party the said number of times. He in turn compramises and does come out and party with his woman.

 

About the singles thing, most of us are attached but there are a few guys that are single and a few girls in LDR but we still party together. It doesn't matter if they are single or not, they are friends and we like having them around.

 

So I think you should put more of an effort tell him you'll be more open to going out a little more often as long as he doesn't badger you each and every time he thinks about going out. You both have to put in an effort here. You don't get to relax all the time (I know you don't I'm exaggerating) and he doesn't get to party like he's 18 all over again.

 

As for your trip: sounds great, but you can't expect him to give up partying on the islands so you get to do what YOU want which is relax. He's already given you one days rest, and agreed to site seeing as you requested. Maybe suggest sure, we can party hard one night, go out grab a few drinks another and just sit on the beach the next one? Again, balance and compramise. He doesn't sound like he wants the world, just wants you to party by his side a little more often?

[alli]

All of a suddern now he likes to go out. We have spent the past 6 months in and now that summer has hit he wants to go out. Before I met him I was out all the time!

 

I see. Well I'm sure you can find a compromise, in that you go out a little more often than you want & he stays in a little more often. Or, he goes out by himself when you don't feel like it.

 

If you already apologized for the outburst, there's not much more you can do.

 

Just out of curiosity, where do you live? You said "now that summer has hit", but it is freaking cold where I live right now.

[confusedleo]

I see. Well I'm sure you can find a compromise, in that you go out a little more often than you want & he stays in a little more often. Or, he goes out by himself when you don't feel like it.

 

If you already apologized for the outburst, there's not much more you can do.

 

Just out of curiosity, where do you live? You said "now that summer has hit", but it is freaking cold where I live right now.

 

Haha im in Australia! We are about to hit the heat wave also!!!

[confusedleo]

Your post was most helpful, you are right. I need to understand that he has needs to and meet him halfway. I am thinking about having a chat to him this weekend.

[alli]

Haha im in Australia! We are about to hit the heat wave also!!!

 

Lucky duck! So you associate the months December & January with summertime? What about Christmas trees & snow. Nevermind, I'm getting off topic

[girl68]

Your post was most helpful, you are right. I need to understand that he has needs to and meet him halfway. I am thinking about having a chat to him this weekend.

 

Glad to be of assistance.

 

You should really have an awesome time going out WITH him, but when you've had enough of partying nothing will feel better to him than a cozy night at home with guess who? YOU!

[JadedStar]

I can honestly say i'd have some issues with this as well. I am at a stage in my life where i hung up my partying shoes. The most i like to do really is happy hour and i am rarely out past 9, but on occasion we will stay out til 10 or 11, but its rare. Now i know i am 42 and you are younger so maybe that is too tight a schedule for you but my point is if you are looking for something more settled and he isn't, you only have two options really and that is let him go off and do it and you do what you need to do, at home or whatever, or tell him you both have a value conflict and this isn't working out, and maybe you need to call it a day.

 

I don't think i'd be the type who could say "sure you go out, i'll just stay home". I truly want someone who feels about this the way I do becuase this is a top value in my life that is important to me. You have to rank how you feel about this. Rate your top five values in a relationship and see if this comes in near the top. If not, you might be able to overlook it. If it is in the top five, it is always going to eat away at you.

 

His statement about what he thinks marriage turns into is very immature for a 30 year old man. I was quite surprised he was 30. Based on your posts i thought maybe under 25.

[JeckyllNHyde]

to be honest, i'm a little surprised you reacted in that way!

I agree.

Not saying you're wrong. Everyone's entitles to their opinions and wishes. But it seems a bit strange.

Me and my SO go out on our own ALOT. But we definitly go out. Not so much clubbing and to bars I have to add. I used to party alot, he used to party EVEN more. I can really relate to your bf, since my dad never let me party it up as much as I wanted to. There where and still are always some rules as long as I live under his roof. My bf on the other hand was going out since he was a teen and now wants to settle. He prefers the quiet outings (restaurants, movies) vs. clubbing.

 

When we first began dating I used to go clubbing without him. He hated that. But if I where to ask him to go with me, he'd love it. Even though he really doesn't care for clubbing much. It's all about going out together as a couple and having fun... To me that's just the best.

 

Your comment about "sitting home and watching sitcom re runs" made me LOL. It's actually what I also love to do. I don't exactly like going out and getting dressed EVERY night.. I like variation..

Staying in all the time really does get routine.

AND.. you need to compromise and try and do what the other one wants to do as well.

 

Maybe if you go out with your bf some times, you'll actually enjoy it? Don't say NO till you've tried it.

[JadedStar]

Not to be contrary but just to let the OP know, I am one of the readers of this thread who wasn't surprised at all by your reaction. You had a few glasses of wine perhaps and were speaking without inhibition and stated how you really felt. If i am thinking of latin night correctly, there is a lot of highly charged latin dancing and the gals are usually pretty sexily dressed and there is a lot of drinking and such, if i am correct on that, yea i would probably have reacted much the same.

 

But for me that reaction would be because this isn't how my SO is, so it would shock me. But if he WERE that type, to do that often, i can honestly say i'd question whether we'd be together or not becuase to me it would be a stark value conflict. I don't really care for that scene anymore and gravitated toward guys when i was single who felt the same way. If i ended up with a guy who DID like this sort of thing often i know i would probably be in gut wrenching situations more often than not, and i'd rather avoid that.

 

I think the OP has gone out and tried it, she is just entering a stage where she is migrating away from that lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that. i used to love that scene too, it just grew old and tired, very stale. And when i did gravitate towards it i was in the end of a miserable marriage and/or single. ONce i was happy in a relationship the need for that just seemed to take a real nosedive. I am not saying people in relationships who are happy CAN"T like it, i am just saying that for me, and people LIKE me, wouldn't want it in their lives or a partner who is very into it.

[DN]

How much of your reaction was due to the fact that you have gone beyond partying and how much of it was due to jealously (or concern) about the women that you were supposed to be going dancing with?

 

There is nothing immature about people wanting to go out and party providing they are mature in other aspects of their life just as there is nothing necessarily boring about people who prefer a quieter life. I would just as soon watch paint dry as go to a noisy bar and I dance like a hippopotamus on xanax but I don't look down on those who like it.

[confusedleo]

Sitting at my desk thinking about all the posts. I really am thinking about the root of the issue. I think I am afraid he will never want to settle down. He has dropped the " I am not ready for marriage now or any time soon " about 3times in the past month. Look I am not ready for it too I am just kick starting my career but the thing is I dont know why this is bothering me so much?

 

Yes JadedStar is right, alot of sexy fiery ladies around him and I know he has had one of those girls in the past because he has told me. The girl that invited him out is married also but is currently separated and is on a rampage with going out and has been contacting him alot lately, I think this is what is bothering me.

 

Look going out doesn't bother me at all I think really its the fact I am scared that he will never get over this. Kind of wanting to have his cake and eat it too? I mean I look at other 30 year old males who have kids etc. Not saying I want that now but I really didn't realise over this Christmas and New Year period how really immature he is?

 

Of course I am immature too I can't even look after a plant in my own house or tidy up after myself so I see we are bother growing up together. I spoke to my friend and she suggested that I go out with him have fun etc. and he will tire of it, its just a cycle?

[JadedStar]

It isn't the fact that i think a man can't be around sexy fiery ladies drinking and control himself. The fact is that I wouldn't want to be wtih a man who felt that being in this situation all the time was a good idea or something he enjoyed that much. There is a notable difference in these two scenarios.

 

There is nothing wrong with a person knowing that a partner who clings to that lifestyle is outside of his or her own values and values that are not in sync, if they are core values, will wreak havoc.

 

For me, I know too much damage that can result from partying all the time. So i chose a life where i didn't do it anymore except the occasions i mentioned prior. I also wanted to choose a likeminded partner. That isn't about jealousy, that is about choosing a partner who shares your values and common beliefs.

 

Now if i loved to party, but was afraid to let my SO go out and do it alone or had to make sure i had my eye on him the entire time I myself was out cutting loose, i'd likely have some insecurity issues. But not liking that lifestyle and preferring a partner who also doesn't like it is not insecurity. That is choosing a mate who is similar to yourself regarding big issues.

 

Just the same i didn't want a partner who drank a lot to begin with, be it with a bunch of guy friends, female friends, at home or at a club. Another value of mine that i prioritized.

 

I also think the statements he made about marriage and relationships were alarming and a pretty tell all glimpse into his own value systems.

[DN]

I think the sexy fiery ladies are either the issue or they are not. It is a matter of trust.

 

Where this idea comes from that when you are married you are supposed to stop doing things you enjoy I just don't know. This what you should be concentrating on:

I know deep down that it is VERY nice of him to want me to come out and go dancing. He loves music and dancing ( his father was a musician ) and he also is a great dancer might I add.

Surely he should not be expected to give that up?

[confusedleo]

I am not expecting him to give this up. We hardly go out as it is.

I dont think we have ever been out with any of these girls in the entire time we have been with one another.

 

The fact that all of a suddern he wants to go out and has been dropping these comments has alarmed me. I just remembered something also... when we were talking last night he even through in ' Maybe I should be single then if you dont want to come out ' I know he was drunk too but I see booze as a truth serum. I asked him what he meant by that comment and he said that he doesnt want a boring girlfriend to sit home and stare at the walls all the time. That comment hurt... because my boyfriend prior had been single for 4 years and never really made a relationship work past 3 months. I am the first girlfriend since he was 21 that he has made work past the 3 month mark. Maybe is lack of expirience in relationships on his part and maybe I need to go out more to spice things up a bit. I think we are both going to have to work at each side of the issue or I dont see this working out for much longer.

[DN]

I think we are both going to have to work at each side of the issue or I dont see this working out for much longer.

Well, basically you are having the other end of this incompatibility issue so both of you have a reason to see this as a 'red flag" (hate that expression but it does fit here).

[_Asti_]

We both still go out on our own with our own social circle and also go out as a couple.

 

He definitely enjoys going out more than I do, so I always encourage that he does so, with or without me...or we find a middle ground and go out with certain people that I enjoy being with, or certain places that I do enjoy going. He does make comments about it, but it's who I am. I am not a big bar or club person and he knows that. And has to accept it. But I certainly compromise and bend and make acceptions and he meets me half way so that we are satisfied and happy.

[JeckyllNHyde]

i dont think u need to spice things up more was a hint from him.

maybe he's just taking innitiative to include you in things he really wants to do...

dont take it as a personal attack that he's suddenly hinting at going out.

i think this "approach" of his with just asking u out with his friends, is much better then him beginning an argument about "how u never really go out" or other attacks like those (which happens alot with coupleS).

 

i agree with u both needing to work things out.. maybe talk and you tell him what upset him. an let him clear up any misundestandings so he can also tell u what he wants for the future of this relationship.

that's the only way i see u both being happy.

[annie24]

Not to be contrary but just to let the OP know, I am one of the readers of this thread who wasn't surprised at all by your reaction.

 

i was thinking in the context of her bf asking her to come along to an event he wanted to go to. if your husband wanted to try something new, and chose to go with his female friends and didn't even invite you, that would ruffle some feathers, right? i'm just saying that it's a good sign that he choose to invite his gf to a night of clubbing, didn't just go off without inviting her, which is what a lot of posters here complain about (when their SO goes off with his/her friends without inviting the SO along).