artsmart Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Okay, I need some advice and the more the merrier...I'll try to make this as short and sweet as possible. I dated one of my coworkers (we work very closely together and see each other everyday) for a year and three months. The relationship wasn't great mainly because he was a jerk--emotionally stubborn, wasn't there for me, didn't make small gestures, etc. I did all the work and he just watched. After the breakup, he expected to be friends. I told him all the ways in which he was a jerk to me and then told him that outside of work, I did not want to see him or hear from him. He was quite rattled from this. Two months went by and nothing. Then, I was out for drinks with him and a mutual friend. When I asked him how he was doing, he completely opened up. He said he never stopped thinking about the things I said to him about how he was a jerk and admitted he was wrong. He said that he still loved me and wanted me around. He had seen how I was growing at work and the person I was becoming and had a newfound respect for me (I immediately started spending time with friends, working on my art and just enjoying myself after the breakup). That night, we talked until around 3am and then he walked me home and kissed me goodnight. The next morning, I got breakfast with him and didn't know if he'd pretend that nothing happened...he didn't. He said that he had a good time the previous night. The following week, I was out sick for two days with a fever. The first day he stopped by to see if I needed anything (he NEVER did this when we were dating) and emailed me the second day to see how I was feeling. After a week or so, I asked him what we should make of our interactions as of late. He said we should wait until the new year rolls in and maybe then we could try to give it another shot. I'm not good at being in limbo so I asked him to make a decision. Of course, he responded with a wishy washy answer and came out with "I just didn't feel it." Now, we're back to square one--barely talking. He tries to email me nonsense emails at work but I do my best to ignore them. I was out sick today and he emailed me saying that he hopes I'm feeling better. The main question I have is this: how do I make him come back to me if he sees me everyday? Will he ever really miss me??? Link to comment
EQD Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ahem. allow me to cite the following... "The relationship wasn't great mainly because he was a jerk--emotionally stubborn, wasn't there for me, didn't make small gestures, etc. I did all the work and he just watched." and now: "The main question I have is this: how do I make him come back to me if he sees me everyday? Will he ever really miss me???" now think about why you just hopped from one to the other. evaluate. Link to comment
deff808 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 My ex gf is a co-worker as well, she dump me... I see her 3-5 times a week! Link to comment
artsmart Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I hear your logic there, EQUESTRIANDYNAMO, but since the breakup I have seen him change in the way he interacts with other people at work. He is more willing to lend a helping hand whenever necessary. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Sounds like he didn't want to get back with you before the holidays because he already had plans with someone else! It also sounds like he either really just wants to be friends, or he wants a FWB scenario and not a 'big thing' relationship. Or perhaps he also dating someone else right now. NC won't make him come back to you, it is for YOU to heal and get over him. You obviously can't do NC if you work with him, so you either need to change your job, or just go back into only talking to him related to work and nothing else. But it sounds to me like he just doesn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship right now, especially if the reason he wanted to wait to talk about it was he has romantic plans with another woman, and he doesn't want to date exclusively. Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this. I actually envy you for the kind of attention you have been getting from your ex. It'd be great if my ex would even reach out to me... Anywho...You telling him that he was a jerk to you and telling him how he made you feel obviously got to him. It's also important to note that he isn't spending all of his time telling you "I'll change! I'll change!" He has been showing you through his actions, and it doesn't sound like he has been trying to point it out to you that he's changed, like people so often do. He's just changing. I really don't think you should ignore or lessen any of that. It's a pretty major thing when someone wants to be a better person because of you...its called LOVE. It sounds like he really opened up to you and made himself vulnerable in a very uncharacteristic way. If that's not missing you, I don't know what is. I think you may have let your impatience get the best of you. He hadn't ruled out the possibility of getting back together, and it sounds like he just didn't want to make any hasty decisions. His response of "I just didn't feel it" could have just been a defensive reaction to you pressuring him to make a decision. He had already opened up, shown interest, and made himself vulnerable, and it sounds like you remained pretty guarded, so he may have gotten scared. If you really want him back, I would maybe apologize to him for pressuring him and tell him you just want to take things day by day and see where things go. Just my two cents. I wish you the best of luck! Link to comment
deff808 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Ya, just have to deal with him at work, work related conversations. For me i talk to my ex with work related stuff, and light contact on other things, friendship stuff etc... If you can handle it, than nothing wrong with it. If not, probably have to find a different job or ignore him as much as you can. Link to comment
gundr1kr Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hey, I am feeling for you. I work with my ex as well. We dont have as much contact as you do but we run into each other hear and there. It adds a whole other level of complexity right? Let me know how things go. I have established NC but the ex still tries to contact me in a "friendly" way Link to comment
EQD Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I hear your logic there, EQUESTRIANDYNAMO, but since the breakup I have seen him change in the way he interacts with other people at work. He is more willing to lend a helping hand whenever necessary. what does that have to do with having an intimate relationship with him i have no idea... Link to comment
25thfloor Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 he's an butt, not worth your time. he's playing games with you. do not fall for this. Link to comment
artsmart Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks, JustLetGo07, for your response. I am actually doing much better since the breakup--I have thought about growing artistically and have planned a trip in two weeks with two of my girlfriends. I'm not wallowing over him but do think about him a lot (especially because I see him everyday). I'm not sure that I want to apologize and take things day by day. I DID tell him that I'm willing to work on a NEW and improved relationship with him and take it slow but that would mean he couldn't date other girls. That's where we were at odds...he wasn't okay with that. I think he might be afraid because he knows that he'd have to increase his level of commitment if we were to get back together. I'm trying my best to limit our contact with one or two word responses to his emails because I don't know what else to do. I understand that his changes are because of me but only when HE sees that will it really matter. Advice? Link to comment
artsmart Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Also, 25thfloor, why do you think he's playing games? What if he's really just unsure? Mind you, we have NOT spent time together outside of work (except for once or twice) and have not been sexual in any way, shape or form. I think he knows he can't have me on the side. Link to comment
25thfloor Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Also, 25thfloor, why do you think he's playing games? What if he's really just unsure? Mind you, we have NOT spent time together outside of work (except for once or twice) and have not been sexual in any way, shape or form. I think he knows he can't have me on the side. He's wishy washy...when your wanting to start something up with someone, you go for it. he wanted to wait until the new year, he can't even commit to see you. we are all unsure. that's why we date. if i don't know someone, i try and spend time with them to get to know them. he wants you to think he's a nice guy, but bringing soup and calling to check on you is not really 'there for you'. he's sounds like he's good at all the easy stuff just to keep you on the line. he knows your interested and it fufills his ego. the fact that he stated that he thinks about you all the time...BS...he needed to move on that. words are cheap. he wants to date other women, he's not interested in taking this to any level besides casual. i've dated men at work that play that little game..the emails are all funny and light, but nothing of substance. Link to comment
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