Emotional abuse/verbal abuse...definition and validity?

[Seymore]

My last 2 serious relationships were abusive - both girls would control me emotionally, manipulate me, scare me, call me names, etc., all while nobody else was around. When I ended the first relationship, people asked me why. I said it was abusive. They looked at me strange, I guess me being a guy...like it doesn't happen to men, or I was a wuss in saying it was abusive. They'd tell me it wasn't ok for a girl to hit a guy, but it wasn't hitting, I had to explain. I ended another abusive relationship recently, and I'm kind of hesitant when people ask why, although it was for the same reason. They act like I'm being too sensitive or something...like "Oh, she didn't hit him, he's overreacting". That's just how I feel they think about it, like it's not the same.

 

Do people just generally not consider this treatment abuse? How do I explain it?

[alli]

I wouldn't just say "it was an abusive relationship" because as you said, most people automatically assume the male is the abuser because that is usually the case.

 

I would say something more like, "She had a volatile temper and that is something I will not put up with".

[savignon]

I would say something more like, "She had a volatile temper and that is something I will not put up with".

Absolutely!! Saying it was abusive makes you sound like a victim. If you're not tolerating that and moving on, you're not a victim...

[Seymore]

But it was still considered an abusive relationship, right? I mean, just saying she had a temper doesn't explain it - people have told me things like "Well, everyone has a temper". I don't like giving everyone the entire story front to back to drive it home, because I'm sick of explaining it to everyone.

[alli]

If her words were an attempt to break you down, make you feel bad & get you to do what she wanted, then yes it would probably be considered abusive. I understand you want to show people the validity in your decision to break up with her, but it really isn't anyone else's business. You could explain in more detail to your parents, best friend, etc if you want, but most people don't need to know the details and you don't need to prove to anyone that you made the right decision.

To the people who say "everyone has a temper" you could respond with, Well, you would have to date her to know what it was like." Also, calling it a "volatile temper", rather than just "a temper", might exemplify the point without them asking you to explain.

 

But again, people don't need to know all the details. I would say what I suggested in my first post & that you wouldn't put up with it.

[amipushy]

But it was still considered an abusive relationship, right? I mean, just saying she had a temper doesn't explain it - people have told me things like "Well, everyone has a temper". I don't like giving everyone the entire story front to back to drive it home, because I'm sick of explaining it to everyone.

 

Yes it is stil considered abusive but I agree with Alli you don't have to tell everyone the details. You know the truth and that is enough.

 

Of course talk to your close family and friends about it if you feel you want to but 'people' are nosey, they gossip, they don't or don't want to understand, and quite frankly your relationship and its problems are none of their business.