Jump to content

the friendship, the intimacy, the hopes and dreams...the hurt, will I ever stop missing him?


Recommended Posts

AAAAAAAAAaaaargh I miss him. I ache for him and it has been a long time. Will I ever find a way to be happy we are not together or will I have to force myself to smile for the rest of time??!

 

Does it ever get to the point that you are actually glad you ended and they are not in your life anymore or is it simply a case of learning not to dwell on it?

 

I was brutually dumped for someone else (incidentally a girl a million times hotter than I am) he moved in with her, is madly in love by all accounts and has never once spoken to, or thought about me again, not for a second.

 

I was so in love with him.

 

We were so happy, he was everything Ive ever wanted, i adored him. Its been a year and I still miss him so much. Ive done EVERYTHING I can, I really have - but no-one compares to him, I'll never be able to replace him. I feel like there is a huge hole in my life no matter how busy I am or how close I am to my friends, I long for him. He is perfect and someone else gets him, he has never missed me, not for a second.

 

I just wish this pain would end, i'd give anything to share a laugh with him, to see him smile at me. Missing someone is so endless, no-one is anywhere close to being like him. and yet, he thought nothing of me.

Link to comment

To be quite honest. A year is quite some time. I'm only 4 months into a break up and over 2 months NC. Yes, I feel how you feel, the yearning and wanting. Keep in mind that these are just wants. You can never replace him because he is unique. Just like he cannot replace you, because you are unique. There is always a huge gap in your life when somebody important disappears.

 

I still dwell on the whole thing and I'm looking for answers. There is no point in comparing yourself with the new girl. She is different from you and she is no better than you, and vice versa. Have you given other chances to other guys? Have you spent time alone to figure out what you want in a partner? He is only as perfect as you think he is. I think you need to take him off the pedestal. Nobody is perfect and no matter how beautiful he is, somebody out there in the world is tired of putting up with his s*it.

 

What have you learned through all of this? About you, not him.

Link to comment

I have learned that my absolute best was not good enough! I tried SO damn hard to make him happy, and it really seemed we were happy, we were for a long time, I guess until he met her...and realised he could do better than me. I made mistakes in a relationship before, which i really feel I put right with him...and yet still I was not good enough. - He didnt think enough of me to even have a conversation with me, or think about me for second after he broke my heart. What can I learn from that other than that I am inadequate and instantly forgettable/replaceable with someone better?

 

How do you take someone down off that pedastool? it seems so hard when everyone pales next to him.

Link to comment
I have learned that my absolute best was not good enough! I tried SO damn hard to make him happy, and it really seemed we were happy, we were for a long time, I guess until he met her...and realised he could do better than me. I made mistakes in a relationship before, which i really feel I put right with him...and yet still I was not good enough. - He didnt think enough of me to even have a conversation with me, or think about me for second after he broke my heart. What can I learn from that other than that I am inadequate and instantly forgettable/replaceable with someone better?

 

How do you take someone down off that pedastool? it seems so hard when everyone pales next to him.

 

This has nothing to do with him anymore. Judging from your statement, you lack self esteem. Which is normal, but a year later? What have you done to make yourself happy? You shouldn't need to try to make him happy, he should be able to do that on his own and you too. It doesn't seem like you have your life together, think of a relationship as an added bonus. You are beating yourself up and letting this eat at you.

 

You don't give yourself enough credit and don't appreciate your self worth. Nobody is better than you, you are different and appreciate that. You are being too harsh on yourself, really now. Inadequate?

 

It's not that he did better, maybe he just found somebody more compatible with him. As hard as this may be, maybe you're not what he's looking for in life. You need to accept that and accept that it didn't work out and he is not what you're looking for in life. If he were, he wouldn't have left.

Link to comment

There comes a moment after every heartache that a green light switches on, and you never look back. You feel confident, and content with your surroundings and the scenarios that lead up to this point in your life. Some feel it sooner than others, but that lonliness is eventually replaced by excitement... Change is good, and generally most people end up infinitely more happy with a new relationship once they feel great about themselves, and are really ready to give someone else their heart.

 

The pain goes away, and you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling that he is so much happier than he lets on. He'll continue this pattern for a long while, as I've seen with my exes. The grass is greener, until a point of revelation comes and they long for their past life... In which case, you tell them it's water under the bridge, but the bridge but they drifted away a long time ago with no way to fight the current.

 

Also, he clearly is not perfect. Stop putting him in a positive light when he doesn't deserve it; he left you after all. Time to let that light start shining through the break in the clouds, and see the appropriate apparition of his true self.

Link to comment
I have learned that my absolute best was not good enough! I tried SO damn hard to make him happy, and it really seemed we were happy, we were for a long time, I guess until he met her...and realised he could do better than me. I made mistakes in a relationship before, which i really feel I put right with him...and yet still I was not good enough. - He didnt think enough of me to even have a conversation with me, or think about me for second after he broke my heart. What can I learn from that other than that I am inadequate and instantly forgettable/replaceable with someone better?

 

How do you take someone down off that pedastool? it seems so hard when everyone pales next to him.

 

Since your breakup, have you spent anytime figuring out what your role in the relationship was? Like you, I did everything to make my ex happy, I loved him so much I would have given up everything for him. And he told me many times that I'm the most caring wonderful person he's ever met and I know his family and I'm sure this is true.

 

But after the breakup I poured myself into literature about relationships and men and gender psychology in general and realized that men don't want someone who will do everything for them. Its very flattering to them and they like it but its not going to lead to a true connection. When we get trapped in our own heads, it makes perfect sense to think that we can "buy" someone's love by trying to do everything to make them happy. In reality it doesn't work this way, b/c the message you are sending out (not consciously of course) is that you really don't value yourself that much. Guys aren't in touch with their feelings, they don't really understand whats going on, over time they just realize that... I'm just not that into her.

 

I have no doubt that one of the reasons he's with the "hot" girl, as you describe her, is b/c that attractive girls generally tend to have higher self-esteem - at least they know that they can easily find another guy if anything should happen. So instead of bending over backwards for him, she probably challenges him and makes him realize that he needs to be on his best behavior, b/c she has other options. In turn, he realizes he has to work for her, which raises her value in his eyes and he is proud of himself to be around her.

 

I've always believed that people treat us as we treat ourselves, and if you have so little self esteem and value in your own eyes, then how can your ex, or anyone else, value you? I also know that how we view the world is not a reflection of the world but of what going on inside our head - so if you don't see yourself as good enough, chances are, you're not going to see most people as good enough either.

 

If I were you, I would invest (and I did) in some literature on relationships and their psychology, on recovering from co-dependency and cognitive therapy. Get more than you have time to read so that everytime you feel like wallowing in self-defeating thoughts, you have reading material to distract you. When you deal with the co-dependency you'll realize how clinging on to your ex keeps you "safe", the cognitive therapy will help you change the underlying thoughts that create those feelings (b/c thoughts create feelings not the other way around) and the general psych will help you understand the dynamic of the relationship better so you can let go of the old one and be better prepared for a new one. Its not necessarily going to be the easiest thing in the world, since giving up your ex will be like giving up your safety and uncertainly is very scary and painful, but it is very doable and very worthwhile and you'll be a stronger and happier person for it.

Link to comment

Here is an excellent quote that I wrote out for myself from a book that I read that really helps me whenever I wanted to engage in ex-self defeating thoughts. I carry it around on an index card with me so I can read it whenever I feel them coming on.

 

"You have to ask yourself why you sometimes feel that you are more committed to another human being than you are to yourself or any of the things to value or believe in. No partner or relationship should ever become that much more important than ourself and our belief system."

Link to comment

it makes perfect sense to think that we can "buy" someone's love by trying to do everything to make them happy. In reality it doesn't work this way, b/c the message you are sending out (not consciously of course) is that you really don't value yourself that much. Guys aren't in touch with their feelings, they don't really understand whats going on, over time they just realize that... I'm just not that into her.

 

I have no doubt that one of the reasons he's with the "hot" girl, as you describe her, is b/c that attractive girls generally tend to have higher self-esteem - at least they know that they can easily find another guy if anything should happen. So instead of bending over backwards for him, she probably challenges him and makes him realize that he needs to be on his best behavior, b/c she has other options. In turn, he realizes he has to work for her, which raises her value in his eyes and he is proud of himself to be around her.

QUOTE]

This really hit home for me, thanks. I think thats definitely what I did, I adored him so much that perhaps he knew i'd do anything, accept anything (i thought i wouldnt but probably in reality i would - and although he never did treat me badly, i can see how I became less appealing) Thats hard to realise isnt it, and also sad in a way. I hope there is a way of loving someone 100% and finding that they love you back more for believing in them - i guess i didnt find it.

 

Thanks for the advice, i will do some reading on cognitive therapy and co-denpendency - i just dont know, it felt like our relationship was balanced and healthy, but I did something wrong, and I certainly havent coped well with the breakup so its worth some research.

 

The loss of a friend is so hard isnt it. I'd sometimes give anything for a giggle with him and it hurts that he doesnt feel the same. he has someone else which tears me up, he is irreplaceable for me.

Link to comment

The loss of a friend...is really hard. I've been through the same situation. Self-esteem is really the point to focus on here. When you show yourself as someone hard to reach to the opposite sex, you become very valuable. I fell in love with my ex just because of this. Of course I didn't see it back then. Self esteem is the same reason why I lost her too, I made the same mistakes you did and it ended just the same way yours did. So you should start seeing a pattern here. People really don't see you as who you really are. They just see what you want them to see. This is true for your ex too; so don't put him on a pedestal like the others said.

 

Also, this is not about him anymore. This is about you. If you don't see your own worth, nobody will. Appreciate who you are, see that you have done so much and loved someone in a way even they couldn't. He may be unique but every human being is unique. Someday you will find your own unique guy, but you must start believing in yourself. You can learn a new language or just start reading more, go to a gym and workout a little. Do what YOU want to do and learn to control your life and make yourself happy. With these traits by your side your self esteem will rise.

Link to comment

I completely agree. I've been trying to get over my ex for a year as well and just recently I realized that my unhappiness isn't because of him... it's my problem. I don't feel happy at all with myself...I don't love myself. I blame everything on me.

 

My question to everyone is... how do you learn how to love yourself and put yourself first?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...