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insecurities ruining my relationship..


singer1030

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I have been in a committed relationship for 4 months now (I am 29 and he is 43) and we live together for the past 2 months. He is wonderful and gives me no reason to feel insecure about myself or our relationship, but that doesn't stop all the negative thoughts and insecurities that go through my mind. He has a job that is very demanding and requiries a lot of travel. I am very close with my family and have never lived more than 30 miles away from them. He has lived all over the world and was up front with me from the beginning that he will eventually have to move with his job and if we stay together I will not be living in the same state with my family forever. He does everything to make me a part of his life with spending time with him and kids, his dad etc... He loves me very much and assures me everyday.

 

My issue is I get jealous and insecure almost everyday. Especially that now he is going to be traveling a lot with work and all that goes through my mind is he isn't going to miss me or he will be fine without me and we will drift apart. He notices my insecurities and really tries to understand them and help me, but he has told me several times that he can't keep going on like this knowing he does everything to make me feel good and secure. I know that my thoughts are ridiculous and I have no reason to feel any doubt or negative feelings at all about him or our relationship, but I still do. These insecurities and negative thoughts that I have are just going to ruin us and I have been trying to get a hold on them for a while now. I find myself thinking he is doing something to hurt me and I feel like if we are not together everyday he is going to leave me and not love me anymore. I just started seeing a therapist and find it helps for then time being and then I go right back to this crazy way again. It really is ruining me and us. I am at a lose and just don't know how to stop and control these feelings and thoughts.

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You moved in with this guy after only 2 months? That's quite fast. You already recognize that your insecurities are a problem & if you don't do something about it soon, then your relationship is going to end very soon. Did you have the same insecurities in previous relationships?

 

You should really see a counselor about this before this causes an irreparable rift in your relationship.

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I agree that you moved in together very very fast. I don't know to what extent that is related to your insecurities. What are your insecurities about and did you have them before you got into this relationship? I honestly thing that if a relationship triggers insecurity is kind of a red flag. I have been very insecure in my first relationship, part of that was independent of the relationship, but another part of it surely had to do with the relationship itself.

 

Did you rent the house together or did you move in with him? I think that it may be good to live apart and sort out these issues before you have such a serious commitment to this man. Why did you to rush into this? Was that his idea or yours? Are you scared it's just convenient for him to have you in the house, wrt his demanding job?

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Absense makes the heart grow fonder. The times he is away, it will give you the both the opportunity to have something new to talk about when you come back together.

 

I agree that you moved in together fast. What was the reason for it being so fast? Did one of you find your living situations change and it seemed convenient? Whirlwind romance? Or did you feel like you would lose him if you didn't say "yes"

 

Also, as far as your family goes, they will always be your family. He is being upfront with you about relocating. So that is fair. But you have to decide. If you truly want to be with this man, there is always a leaving of the family to be with a man. Sometimes taking a leap of faith is not a bad thing

 

In my personal experience, I moved 1000 miles to be with a man. At first, we lived separately, and then moved in together. Then, he moved again even farther away and I moved with him. Don't move to a far away place, another country or accross the country with someone unless you either have a commitment before you move, or you get your own place and secure your own job.

 

If he moved in the next six months, I would stay put. Let him miss you and decide he wants to be with you, and wants to fix the geographic gap by taking a position closer, travelling back and forth for awhile or expressing his wish for you to be there. But don't jump - make him be part of the process.

 

I agree with everyone else that you have to work on your insecurities.

 

Make sure, also that he treats you as an equal adult and not as a "younger woman" who won't leave him because she is very compliant and insecure or needs a security figure.

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