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talk about a slap in your face ...


penelope13

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a few month ago i realized that i had developed feelings for a friend, who at the time was in an abusive relationship. since they are long distant, it took me some time to figure that out (she is the one emotionally abusing him). when i found out about my feelings for him, he seemed very into me as well. we had a long talk when i told him that i was interested in him, but of course wouldn't want to interfere with his relationship and thereforee couldn't be his friend anymore. we went LC after that - actually i never contacted him, he is the one doing all the contacting. in the following few months he called me on a regular basis to check how i was doing, but i believe the main reason was that he is unhappy in his relationship and needed some emotional support, which somehow he seemed to get just by hearing my voice, although i didn't want to discuss anything personal. the closer the end of the year came, the more i had the impression that he was finally ready to end his abusive relationship. - i couldn't have been more wrong!

 

he called me yesterday, "just to talk", but of course it was unavoidable to mention his relationship. since he told me that he is still unable to walk away (although he can't explain it himself) i told him that i didn't want to be part of his life anymore. that shocked him a bit. however i told him, i can't bear the thought that rather than being with me he chooses to stay in a relationship which makes him unhappy.

 

i asked him, how he could do that. his answer: have you ever been in a relationship, where she puts soo much emotional pressure on you, that you feel if you walk out of the room you will be responsible for the misery of that person?

 

i didn't know what to say to this except that i believe he needs help (but not mine!), that it doesn't make any sense, and that he should be aware that this makes me very unhappy and that i will not be able to watch him destroy his life.

 

 

 

 

i feel so bad for walking out on him, for not offering to be the friend that he will need to get out of this relationship and to figure out why he would allow anyone to abuse him

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That's rough, but when someone is in a relationship, you can bet on them staying in it no matter what little things they say that lead you to believe otherwise. It's up to him to get himself out of this unhappy relationship. If your feelings for him were really conflicting with your ability to be friends with him while he is with her, you made the right decision. Hopefully he will end up doing the right thing, whatever that ends up being.

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Good for you for having enough self-respect to decide "enough is enough"...and you couldn't have said it better, "He obviously needs help...but not mine!!"

It's not your job to fix this and if he's going to be responsible for this other girl's happiness at his own expense, that is not your problem!

Hold your head high....you had enough self-respect to walk away and it was the right thing to do!!

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I think you did the correct thing, for yourself and for him. For one, it seems from your posts as if he realizes he is in an abusive relationship. Thus, he is the only one that can decide to leave (trust me, from personal knowledge it is a very complicated situation to leave the relationship).

 

If he is talking to you and is having feelings for you than it is making the situation difficult for him because it gives he an reason to feel guilty (because he is starting to form an emotional bond outside of the relationship). Because abusive relationships lay all of the guilt on the abused person, having more guilt makes it even harder to leave.

 

You actually did him a favor .... because now he realizes that the relationship is bad for him but has no real reason to feel guilty. Hopefully it will help him realize he need to get out of the situation.

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Best you just distance yourself from this guy. You don't need that negative energy in your life and you cannot help him...he must help himself. He is very upset and confused...for sure you cannot have a man like this for a new prospective partner... big ole red flag there my friend !!!

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Ihatemygf,

 

thanks for your response. I have been reading your posts as well and am very grateful for the insight that you shared.

 

As hard as it is, I start to understand his situation much better now.

 

With the understanding it was possible to let go of all the disappointment and anger.

 

However, you give me hope as well that one day (hopefully in the not too distant future) he will wake up.

 

They always say that if someone wants to kick an addiction (and in some ways emotional abuse is a form of addiction), they have to hit rock bottom and you have to take everything positive away from them.

 

So i realize that I didn't have any other choice than to walk away from him.

 

However, I am equally glad that I told him that it is totally up to him, how much I am part of his life. As long as he is in this relationship, I won't be able to be part of his life, but of course he could call me, once this is all behind him

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  • 10 months later...

Update

 

after 10 months of not hearing from him, we are in touch again: finally after many trials, he managed to get out of this relationship for good. Although the relationship is over officially (she is still contacting him all the time, although he doesn't pick up her calls, nor answers emails), he realizes that he needs to take time to work through how he ever could have allowed himself to be in a relationship like this for so long. He wants to go to therapist.

 

At this point I am just happy that he is out of this relationship and that I have a very important friend back in my life, everything else is just way too early to even think about.

 

Of course we talked a bit what had happened. Apparently me going NC was what he really needed in order to find the strength (or whatever) to focus his thoughts/ energy enough to break free from her. Nevertheless it was not a straight forward process, lots of tears and drama involved.

 

What I learned from all of this: emotions are very complicated; one can have many different seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time; emotional processes cannot be rushed; sometimes the best gift you can give someone else is space

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