Broke up on New Years, What went wrong

[TheBallKid11]

Hi I am 21 and my ex-gf is 17. Over the summer I met her at a random party that I went to with a couple of college buddies. Over the summer we had a lot of contact (I dont live at school in the summer, I love an hour and a half away from her), talking everyday and once every couple of weeks I would make the trip up to see her (coming up more frequently towards the end of the summer. Things were going great and we always were so happy together. We were together for 7 months before we broke up. We argued a lot, but the only time we argued is when we were away from each other (when she would go away to visit her sister in NY for the weekend or when I went home to work on mondays and fridays) because we were miserable without each other. I always treated her so good and she always told her friends I treated her like a princess and sometimes she took it for granted. Needless to say New Years Eve i get a text from her asking "are there any girls hitting on you." I say no, and obviously she thought I would ask her the same question, which I did. She said yeah he is 6'3 and hot. We end up getting in a fight on New Years day, and after an hour I call her back trying to resolve it to which she tells me "she needs space." Which is obviously space to be with this guy. I dont get how we were together 7 months and she would say how happy we were together and she wanted to be with me forever but yet be so willing to throw it all away with this guy.

 

I ignored her for a couple of days and 2 nights ago she texts me saying:

 

her: I dont appreciate the things youve said about me cuz word travels my friend (not true at all, didnt talk to anyone of her friends)

 

me: ignored comment

 

her: 10 minutes later " you dont have the balls to answer me"

 

me: ignored her

 

her: 2 minutes later (you didnt answer me online)

her: 2 minutes later (Why wont you say anything)

her: 2 minutes later (why do you hate me so much)

 

me: I finally respond saying you chose another guy over me, why wouldnt I hate you

 

her: Jeff thats what you need to understand it wasnt for Nick I was planning on it anyways and it just so happens that he was there when I decided to carry it out, you shouldnt hate me, I cant believe you would feel that way.

 

me told you if i wasnt good enough to be your bf, i didnt want to talk to you or even know you

 

her: But why I dont like it that way

 

me: too bad, it cant be that way if both people dont want it to be, your out of my life from the day you ended this

 

her: you dont love me anymore??

 

me: Wendy, you hurt me, im over you, thats final

 

her: Have you hooked up with other girls?

 

Me: What is it to you anyway, we arent together remember

 

Her: Im just curious cuz I still think about you

 

Me: Well I cant help you you should have thought your decision over more if you still think of me

 

her: Well im actually really happy with nick, but one more thing, i left my blacksweat pants and my belt at your dorm, if you can please drop it off at my back stairs i really like both of those

 

me: If your so happy with Nick why are you trying to text or IM me, if i find your stuff ill mail it to you, we are done, I left you alone

 

her: You were a huge part of my life, its natural to want to talk or think about you

 

me: Well im no longer a part of your life now, bye, im not talking to you any longer, have a grand ol time with Nick,

 

her: I will, were having sex tomorrow!

 

Me: You know what Wendy, I thought you were a great girl, but ultimately you were just a waste of my time

 

her: I thought you were a pathetic piece of * * * * who likes to be depressed all the time, well honestly jeff people have worse situations than you.

 

Me: Yeah , just like you, your just a selfish immature brat that has always gotten your way, but guess what Wendy, you cant have me because Im way too good for you

 

Her: Why would I want you if I could have any other guy and news flash, yeah you treated me ok, but other guys will treat me even better and actually love me:

 

I didnt respond after that because that last statement was so ridiculous because I did so much for her because I truly loved her and cared for her. This is the 6th day of the breakup... but why is she trying to talk to me if she wants to be with this guy. I still love her, but its probably best if I try and get over her. How can a week before this tell someone you want to be with them forever and then do this? I guess im just confused and wonder if that last conversation I just showed you really means the END OF US PERIOD or is there a chance we could get back together.. Would you of handled the convo differently?

 

Thanks, I'm just confused, really hurt and looking for guidance

[hockeyboy]

Immaturity at it's best here. If she tries contacting you, ignore her...she's a waste of time. Don't get into those bitter arguments with her and just be the bigger person.

 

I know your hurt, but honestly, I don't see it taking all that long until you get over a girl like this.

 

She's also pretty young..your in college...find some college girls. You'll probably be more compatible.

[jengh]

Wow, what an immature, selfish little girl. I'm really sorry. Long-distance is hard enough to begin with.. she's still very young. Girls at 17 aren't ready (mostly) for such commitment. They tend to live in the "now" mindset (as opposed to long-distance, planning and all that).

 

My advice to you is to continue what you've been doing--ignore her. She crushed you. She insulted you. From reading everything above, you seem like you were a great boyfriend to her and she doesn't deserve you.

 

No contact. Period. Send her stuff in the mail. Just end this now. It will be for the best.

[TheBallKid11]

I know that, but why is she coming to me with these feelings of I still think of you and Im curious about you.. I know we were happy together, but why throw away those 7 months and risk all of it for this new guy. She told me near the end of our relationship she was afraid to make me mad because she felt I would break up with her. I told her why is she in this if shes afraid to make me mad. She told me because after being together for someone for 7 months she afraid to be alone and find someone and have to get to know someone again to which I responded then the only reason why were together is because you're afraid of being alone. She said i feel that way when we're arguing but truly I have feelings for you in my heart. Its just confusing right now and I dont get how she can come at me with those feelings and then turn so immature afterwards

[TheBallKid11]

I know Cairo, but i figured our relationship started off with distance and since we made it the 2-3 months of distance to start... I figured she really cared because when Im at school, im only 10 minutes down the road.. We have been fighting a lot about me being away over this past month ive been on winter break, but I dont get it... I slept over her house friday saturday sunday and spent all day monday with her to try and make the distance easier, and then 3 days later on that Thursday, this happens.. I will keep ignoring her, but why is she coming to me then?

[jengh]

I know Cairo, but i figured our relationship started off with distance and since we made it the 2-3 months of distance to start... I figured she really cared because when Im at school, im only 10 minutes down the road.. We have been fighting a lot about me being away over this past month ive been on winter break, but I dont get it... I slept over her house friday saturday sunday and spent all day monday with her to try and make the distance easier, and then 3 days later on that Thursday, this happens.. I will keep ignoring her, but why is she coming to me then?

 

I completely get how you're feeling, trust me... It's just that YOU were willing to give so much but she wasn't taking it seriously. It's all about maturity levels and she just doesn't have it. She wants to date around, sleep around, etc. And, honestly, she's 17 so you can't totally blame her. Is that fair to you? Absolutely not.

 

You were clearly much more invested in this relationship than she was, constantly being over there with her, changing around your schedule.

 

Why is she coming to you? Because that's what we do. We want what we can't have. She sees that you've been distancing yourself and ignoring you and it's killing her that you're surviving. It doesn't mean she wants you back, she's made that clear by saying she's sooo happy with what's-his-face. Everyday it will get a little easier. Focus on school and friends. Anything to get your mind off of it.

[looking_up]

She's 17 and still a child, she's acting exactly like a normal teenager.

 

You need to date people your own age.

[TheBallKid11]

Thanks Cairo,

 

I mean its only been 6 days.. but does how does she know shes really happy with this guy. Do you think she means it to make me jealous or is she trying to say it to get me to persue her harder? Like I can tell shes immature, because on a little thing like AOL instant messenger I put up an way like out with the friends, and after her new "friend" signs off, she puts up an away saying "what a little drunk, I'll go out everynight too." Like why cant she just let it be? Like why is she trying to make me so miserable. I was her first "true love," so why throw that away because you meet a guy the next day and he texts you. I wont forget the day we broke up. I drove the hour and a half to "return her stuff" that day because i "didnt want to see her after that" by which i meant i really wanted to see her in person and make it work that day. I made her take a ride to school with me to get her stuff and I was talking about all the good times we had and she was like stop, I really dont want to do this right now, coming to find out she was texting her new "friend" during the time we were taking the ride to my dorm. How can one person say they care so much, you are there first love, want to be with you forever and just change all of a sudden in one night.. There were no warning signs and I know she truly WAS happy when we were together.. I just want to know why someone can change so quick and have a hard time getting over the fact that one person can really lie and deceive you that much

[TheBallKid11]

She's 17 and still a child, she's acting exactly like a normal teenager.

 

You need to date people your own age.

 

I cant help that I met her at a random party that I wasnt even suppose to be at.. We hit it off and stayed in contact and truly had feelings for each other.. You cant help that man

[alli]

She is asking you what you're up to because it would make her feel good to know that you are alone, pining away for her while she is with the other guy. You're right to not tell her anything you are up to & I think you handled the conversation very well.

 

She is 17 & very immature. You will have a much better shot with a girl closer to your own age. Not all 17 year olds would be like her. My sister is 17 & doesn't do anything like this & I don't think I would have at that age, either. But statistically speaking, people are more mature with age so you might as well date someone older. That is one of the few things that you can pick your partner based on.

[TheBallKid11]

Yeah your right Alli, I guess i just want to know why she would say all of that and not really mean it.. Really deceiving and wrong.. Why stay with someone for that long if you really dont feel that way?

[jengh]

Chances are this new guy is just a rebound and it won't last. And she's obviously trying her best to make you jealous (and it's working). Just don't let it show. Honestly, this girl isn't ready for a relationship with real commitment. Neither with you nor this other guy, so take that into consideration when you think about how much you miss her, how happy you were during the GOOD times. You said it yourself--you guys argued a lot. I was in a relationship with a guy from California (I'm in Michigan) for a year and god let me tell you, the distance was a killer. We never argued when we were together but while we were apart, whoa. He was a lot older than me (28) but acted very similarly to your 17yr old ex so TRUST me, I get where you're coming from.

 

Just let it be... Look at it as a learning experience. It makes it easier. 99% of relationships don't work out but I feel we take a part of each one of those into building that one that will work out in the end. Give it a couple of weeks. It's still very raw and fresh. Don't answer her calls, texts, IMs, e-mails, etc. Just don't. I don't care HOW badly you want to. Take her off your facebook and myspace. (I recently deleted my ex from fb, myspace, phone, IM...and it's getting easier by the day)

[jengh]

Yeah your right Alli, I guess i just want to know why she would say all of that and not really mean it.. Really deceiving and wrong.. Why stay with someone for that long if you really dont feel that way?

 

It's not necessarily that she didn't feel that way because she probably did. But she's just so young and those feelings are SO different than they will be when she's even a few years older. My idea of love now is completely different from what it was when I was 17. It's not that she's a deceptive, horrible person--she's just young, immature and stupid and didn't realize what a good thing she had.

[TheBallKid11]

Thanks Cairo, you think take her off my facebook? You dont think seeing posts and pictures of other girls will be better then not seeing my profile at all? I know shes made me jealous and hurt but I havent shown it. I havent tried contacting her, shes tried all the contact via IM or text and I figure if I leave the facebook up, it will crush her more to know I can survive without her then to delete her and run from her.. am I right?

[jengh]

Thanks Cairo, you think take her off my facebook? You dont think seeing posts and pictures of other girls will be better then not seeing my profile at all? I know shes made me jealous and hurt but I havent shown it. I havent tried contacting her, shes tried all the contact via IM or text and I figure if I leave the facebook up, it will crush her more to know I can survive without her then to delete her and run from her.. am I right?

 

Ohh, TRUST me... take her off... it works both ways. Do you REALLY want to see her in those sickly-sweet lovey poses with new guy? Out having fun, etc? I don't think so... Reading the wall posts? Gah. No. You don't.

 

Oh god, believe me--it will drive her up the wall NOT being able to see what you're up to. Deleting her isn't running from her. It's moving on and essentially rebuilding your "life" without her.

 

Seriously, delete her. Best thing you could do. I tortured myself reading John's wall posts, looking at his pictures, reading his blogs... now that he's off of there... it's like a weight has been lifted.

[TheBallKid11]

Well do I block her on AIM? Problem is I know her facebook and email passwords and I know I would be tempted to see what shes doing even though its wrong, but because Im curious.. She doesnt post a lot on guys facebooks, like we barely had any posts between us and there has been only one post from him and no response from her.. But she never used to use AIM when we were together. I would always have to contact her first early in the relationship, but as we started going out longer and being more comfortable, she started texting me first and texting/calling me whenever... I know she craves attention but since this is new to her and cant go crazy out of her way to text this guy and has to wait for him to text/IM her, she sits online all day waiting for him..

[alli]

Ohh, TRUST me... take her off... it works both ways. Do you REALLY want to see her in those sickly-sweet lovey poses with new guy? Out having fun, etc? I don't think so... Reading the wall posts? Gah. No. You don't.

 

Oh god, believe me--it will drive her up the wall NOT being able to see what you're up to. Deleting her isn't running from her. It's moving on and essentially rebuilding your "life" without her.

 

Seriously, delete her. Best thing you could do. I tortured myself reading John's wall posts, looking at his pictures, reading his blogs... now that he's off of there... it's like a weight has been lifted.

 

I agree; remove her from your friends. I would block her on IM as well so you always appear to be offline to her. These things will only remind you of her & not in a good way. You seem to be handling this pretty well. Deleting her will make you feel even better in no time.

[TheBallKid11]

so you think its definitely best to move on, try not to swallow my pride and contact her to tell her I still care and make one final last ditch effort to tell her I want to make this work now.. after I proved that I can avoid her. Telling her I dont NEED you but I WANT you and want to try and make this work.. Maybe just a silly idea

[jengh]

so you think its definitely best to move on, try not to swallow my pride and contact her to tell her I still care and make one final last ditch effort to tell her I want to make this work now.. after I proved that I can avoid her. Telling her I dont NEED you but I WANT you and want to try and make this work.. Maybe just a silly idea

 

no. No, no, no. She will only hurt you further. She's only proven her immaturity...maybe in 6 months or a year or whenever when she's matured, you can rebuild some sort of friendship, but for now...say goodbye. It's time.

[TheBallKid11]

Ok thanks... I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I think I cared too much for her.. Like she knew I would do anything for her and she did suffer self-confidence issues at time, but I was always there to pick her up.. I wont forget the day we broke up she told me it was my fault for telling her how beautiful she really was. I sent her an E-card on news year eve knowing we werent gonna be together because of the storm saying 2008 Was the best year of my life because I meant her, and i love her so much and I cant wait to be back at school right down the street from her. I was her first "serious serious" relationship she said and I kind of wish I came later so she realized how much I cared and how much I did for her (trying not to sound full of myself)

[alli]

so you think its definitely best to move on, try not to swallow my pride and contact her to tell her I still care and make one final last ditch effort to tell her I want to make this work now.. after I proved that I can avoid her. Telling her I dont NEED you but I WANT you and want to try and make this work.. Maybe just a silly idea

 

Ahhh! Where'd you get the idea that we were saying that? It is definitely a good idea to move on. It is definitely NOT a good idea to tell her all that other stuff!! Why would you want to try to get her back after she said all that cruel stuff & that she was going to have sex with that other guy?

 

All that stuff that you want to say will not get her back. But it will make her feel good to know she's got you in her hand & it will make you feel like crap likewise. Don't do that!!

[jengh]

Nope, doesn't make you sound full of yourself at all. It's completely rational and logical. I wish the same thing too for me sometimes. But again, it's a learning experience. She'll learn not to let these things slip her by and realize how good she had it and you'll learn to be a bit more careful about what kind of girls you get involved with. Try meeting someone your age. You'd be surprised how much someone matures in just a few years. I'm a completely different person than I was at 17.

[TheBallKid11]

Yeah your right, I guess at this point its up for her to come crawling back if she wants it and if she does, up for me to decide what to do

[TheBallKid11]

ok so best to delete her from facebook and AIM and resist myself from logging on her name to check on what shes doing. Also I guess if she texts or calls me I ignore them? Is there a point if she texts or calls that I shouldnt ignore them. I guess if she really wants me she will come running back to me.

[hockeyboy]

ok so best to delete her from facebook and AIM and resist myself from logging on her name to check on what shes doing. Also I guess if she texts or calls me I ignore them? Is there a point if she texts or calls that I shouldnt ignore them. I guess if she really wants me she will come running back to me.

 

Do all that. Only respond once if she obsessively calls and texts and only to tell her to stop contacting you.

 

If she comes running back to you...run away.