HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 A little over a week ago, my girlfriend of 4 months came to me to tell me that things weren't working out, that she had her doubts. It was a total surprise to me. She sat there, cried, told me that she felt we didn't have enough in common. The conversation was vague, and confusing. After a few days, we had a couple more deep talks - and it turned out that most of what she thought and felt was speculation, not talking to me and knowing how or what I felt. She then felt like she was too hasty, and she doesn't want to make a mistake. We had a few days of good talking, and actually some laughing again - so overall things were improving. Then she called me on Sunday to invite me over for dinner. I went - as soon as I entered the door, she gave me a giant hug and just held me for a very long time, I returned the hug. The evening was great - we spent an hour making dinner together, laughing, sharing stories over a glass of wine, it felt comfortable, fun, the way it always had before. I didn't want to analyze things - assume anything - I went over as her friend, nothing more, nothing less. We ended up on the couch, and she started getting very affectionate - head on my shoulder, arms around me, then actually got up and positioned herself to lie down right on me, in my arms. We hugged, made out a little, it was nice. It was then time for me to go - and what was a great night, she proceeded to tell me that she was fuzzy on how she feels and what she wants, and that we didn't get to talk about things more that night - that maybe if we talk about things we like to do and that, it will help...and that that we can't have nights like that until she figures out what we're doing. As far as I'm concerned - if you can have such doubts and concerns, then that's indication enough that it's not going to work out. I don't understand her reasoning. My friends advice is move on - live my life....which is what I have to do. I feel like I"m being taken for granted - as if she expects me to just sit around waiting for her to decide whether or not I'm good enough for her to be with me. Link to comment
riley123 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 How long have the two of you been together? Link to comment
alli Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Maybe she is a person that over-analyzes things & overreacts when you don't talk about things. She assumes the worst & her actions follow suit. Ask her how she wants to pursue things. Hanging out, just talking & not making out, etc. If she says she needs "time to think about things" I would do what your friends suggested & move on. No need waiting around for someone to make up their mind when they already have all the information they need. Link to comment
Mutley Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'd totally back off and see if she comes back around. Link to comment
HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 We have only been dating 4 months - and hearing her tell me she has such doubts, without any sort of communication about this before was a complete shock to me. I went out with a buddy the other night, she called and left me a message to say goodnight. She called again last night, I called her when I got home and we chatted for a half hour or so about our days, just general stuff - neither of us really saying anything. I just feel that if you're sitting on the fence about whether or not you want to be with someone - then you don't really want to be with them. It shouldn't be that hard. I could understand if I had baggage, issues - whatever - and it's a decision that must be made...but even then, most people won't question or doubt wanting to be with that person. I'm starting to get bitter - because I feel like I"m waiting for her to decide whether I'm good enough for her to stay with - and that's not right. I don't want ot be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. Link to comment
alli Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I just feel that if you're sitting on the fence about whether or not you want to be with someone - then you don't really want to be with them. It shouldn't be that hard. I could understand if I had baggage, issues - whatever - and it's a decision that must be made...but even then, most people won't question or doubt wanting to be with that person. I'm starting to get bitter - because I feel like I"m waiting for her to decide whether I'm good enough for her to stay with - and that's not right. I don't want ot be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. Maybe you should tell her this. She should know where you're at with all this & you will feel better getting it off your chest rather than sitting there fuming about it. Link to comment
riley123 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I agree, you should tell her this -- and I also agree that you shouldn't wait around for her. Sounds to me like she might have met someone else that she's a little interested in. But that's only my opinion. Link to comment
HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 That's my plan, after what took place on Sunday night. I thought that was her reaching out, being as affectionate as she was. But then to call me and tell me how she is fuzzy on her feelings for me and maybe if we talk more about certain things - I just got annoyed and felt like I was being taken for granted. I feel like I am about to take an exam which she will grade and determine if I'm a boyfriend, or just a friend. That's not how a relationship works - how feelings work. If you don't feel it - then you don't feel it. I know we need to talk again - and we will. I'm just wondering if anybody can shine some light on the subject for me - maybe relate to her thoughts/feelings. Link to comment
HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi Riley - I know it's not that she met someone else, at least I'm 99 percent sure. I know she overanalyzes - just as I do. We overthink things, and stress/worry about things too much. I don't want us to part on bad terms - and I just feel like the longer this continues, the more we are in jeopardy of that happening. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 She still cares for you and a large part of her wants to be with you but she is probably just confused. how old are you guys?? perhaps she feels she is missing out on the single life a bit and being independent but at the same time she is wanting to be affectionate with you etc. cause she cant make up her mind. My ex did this and finally i had to tell her that its not fair to me and my feelings. she either wants to make it work or she doesnt. There is no in between. You need to give her this ultimatum. If she says, i dont know then you need to man up and tell her your going to take that as a no and cut her off. Cutting her off completely may help her to make a decision but you have to be prepared for it to be finished. You cant keep going on like this cause its only holding you back more! Link to comment
HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Yes, I totally agree. I would think the same thing if we were in our early twenties or something, but we're both 35 and we've both been in our share of relationships. Everything came out on the 28th of December, and after a few days of very little contact - we had a couple deep and emotionally exhausting talks. It cleared up a lot for her, and she felt differently - felt like she made a decision without knowing the facts. I can respect that - and explained that's why it's important that she tells me how she is feeling, we talk about things - not just bottle it up because eventually it all just boils over and we have a huge mess to deal with. Her actions on Sunday were what confused me though - because after the talks, and after her feeling better about things - and after we had such a great evening together, the night ended with her telling me how she's still confused - how we can't be doing "that" (couch activities) until we figure out what happening with everything. It was then (2 days ago) that I started feeling like this. It's just getting harder and harder for me to be understanding and patient. I know we need to talk - and talk soon. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 i hear you man. Like i said, my ex did the same exact thing. Her confusion does not justify reason to confuse you more. I would just back off. Tell her like this. "us talking and hanging out is really confusing me on your feelings for me and this situation. I suggest we not talk or hang out until you know what you want." Leave it at that and just be prepared for the worst case scenario. Link to comment
HockeyFan Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 That's pretty much my intention. Actually, thought we were going to have that chat last night but then the conversation was basically just general chit chat like it always has been. Hoping to make plans with her for Friday evening - we can talk then. Haven't heard from her since last night, so we'll see. Either that - or it will be done over the phone...which is not that big of a deal. Link to comment
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