Unique situation

[Kevma]

So if anybody else has ever been in a similar situation I'de love to hear how you've handled it. I will try to keep it short. I dated my sister-in-laws sister for a year. We were very much in love and I was never happier in my life as when we were together. I was told to be careful by my brother and her sister b/c she tends to break hearts. Well I learned the hard way and we broke up. I tried to save face and make the break up seem mutual but I'm sure she knows it was more her than me.

 

She told me all the things you want to hear while you're in a relationship and I believed her. I still do. I think she still loves me and has hope for another chance down the road. Shes going back to grad school and I'm going back to school to. Also she lives 2 hrs away. So in a way I knew it would be tough staying together but I was willing to do whatever it took to be together.

 

Heres where I have a hard time. I havn't told her that I'm trying to go NC but am just doing it. She has been the one to contact me every now and then saying I miss you. How are you. I'm thinking about you. I break everytime and txt her back, afterwards feeling like @#$A. What should I do, do I tell her that I need time. I'm hurting so bad b/c all I want to do is be together. Please, if anyone has any advice....

[SighSob]

Why did she break up with you? Just for the distance?

[savignon]

Going NC is a good idea. Maybe your sister-in-law who is aware of her heart-breaking ways can tell her to back off for awhile. Talk to her and tell her it's too much to be in touch with her sister, who you love and that it's painful to hear from her and you'd like to take steps toward moving on. If she's good to you, she'll talk to her sister and you won't have to make the painful choice of texting back or calling back.

My sister was in a similar situation and dated our brother-in-law's brother...they had a lot of fun together but he just didn't have his act together...always drinking, partying and they broke up. Years later, there is no tension between them whatsoever, my sister is happy and the ex is still partying/drinking/etc. which just makes it clear that they made the right choices for themselves.

Best wishes!

[Kevma]

Her reasons were that she wasn't sure if I was serious about finishing my degree which I have told her I am and proving it to her right now. Distance wasn't a factor, she told me she never thought she could do it but w/ me it was diff. We talked bout future plans which involved moving closer to one another. Funny thing was she even told me that we could find a place together, I would work while she goes to school and then vice versa.

[Kevma]

Thanks savignon for the advice, its really hard to do NC w/ her but I think thats the only solution. I guess holding on to the hope is the only thing that keeps me happy right now.

[DN]

Her reasons were that she wasn't sure if I was serious about finishing my degree which I have told her I am and proving it to her right now.

Why does she care if you finish your degree?

[Kevma]

apparently she wants to be with someone who has ambitions and goals. I guess she thought I wasn't tapping into my full potential. But when I told her that I have my goals set and told her what I wanted to do to accomplish them she said that made her happy and that she was not giving up hope for us. I have a feeling her mom had some input on how she felt about me. her mother is all about money and needing money to be happy.

[DN]

apparently she wants to be with someone who has ambitions and goals. I guess she thought I wasn't tapping into my full potential. But when I told her that I have my goals set and told her what I wanted to do to accomplish them she said that made her happy and that she was not giving up hope for us. I have a feeling her mom had some input on how she felt about me. her mother is all about money and needing money to be happy.

Seems to me she is very much like her mother. Do you really want someone who is only interested in you because you might earn good money at some point?

[KG]

Seems to me she is very much like her mother. Do you really want someone who is only interested in you because you might earn good money at some point?

 

DN makes a good point. It's one thing to care about someone who has goals, but if it's just about the $$$, that sucks.

Try to find out more about her long range plans!

[Kevma]

I truly don't believe she needs wealth for happiness, I don't know how to interpret her feelings for wanting the break up. I try to understand but if you loved someone as much as you said you did, wouldn't you try to make it work, no matter what it takes or where your at in your life. And I know she is having a hard time right now as well. But I keep telling myself that if she wants to get back she will contact me about it. I think sometimes she just contacts me to hear me say that I miss her so that she feels better when she is having a hard time.

[DN]

When you are in love with someone it is very easy to make excuses for them, to overlook things that they do and to try to think the best of them.

 

But look at what has actually happened - she broke up with you because you weren't serious about your degree. She wasn't prepared to take you as you are but only as she wanted you to be. This wasn't about your degree being in your best interests but about being in hers.

 

When she finds out that you are in fact pursuing it - she shows signs of interest again.

 

I think it very indicative that you mentioned how much her mother is all about money - because you obviously suspect that she is much the same as her mother. I think those suspicions are very valid.

[thedude27]

Sounds kinda lame excuse to me. Part of it could also be that she is a very protective person and the money thing was an excuse. Maybe she felt that she was getting to close and pushed you away for that reason. Sometimes when things are working out that freaks the other person out and they push you away. The only reason I bring this up is because "fixing" the ambition thing (which it doesnt sound like you need to because you do have ambition/etc) may not really solve the core problem. Just throwing that out there.

[Kevma]

You make all good points, and I can't help but to see the truth in everything you say. I'm just trying to figure out why I can't get over her. I know its not easy, I've spent a lot of time on this website since my break up and its been a massive help for me however I always seem to give into her when she contacts me. I think I need to let her know that I'm going with NC. What do you think?

[Kevma]

The dude, the ambition and school thing was part of the reasoning for a break up. I'm trying to figure out what the others were. Do I hold onto hope and believe her when she says that she still thinks there is a chance for us. I know her attraction and love for me were 100 percent real.

[DN]

The dude, the ambition and school thing was part of the reasoning for a break up. I'm trying to figure out what the others were. Do I hold onto hope and believe her when she says that she still thinks there is a chance for us. I know her attraction and love for me were 100 percent real.

Sorry but that isn't true. At least, the love part. You don't leave someone you love because you don't think they are working hard enough getting a degree. You support and encourage but you don't leave them.

[Kevma]

Maybe I have my blinders on right now. They say love makes you blind, obviously thats true. Just hard to swallow the thought of it not being what I thought it was or could've been.

[savignon]

You've said 2 important things which are that her own sister has said she's a heart-breaker and her mother is all about money. I think if you try to prove yourself to her, you may as well go ahead and get comfortable in that role because it won't stop there. She's telling you there's still a chance to see how much you'll do to please her. Tell her confidently that you do know what you want and are pursuing it and it's too bad she couldn't see that or didn't think it was enough. Then tell her you'd appreciate it if she'd stop contacting you since it's not letting you be available for people who like you just the way you are. DO NOT let her talk you out of it. Tell her you're not living your life to prove your worth and wish her well and HANG UP. No more.

Her head will spin!

Please trust that you will find someone that you don't have to prove yourself to. Did she have to prove herself to you? Of course not. When you love someone, you are proud of the way they are, their ambition to be something more and everything inbetween. If she's already afraid of how YOUR "lack of x, y or z" is going to affect HER future....please! Take a hike, lady!! Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life???

[Kevma]

Thanks sav, and part of me believes what you say is true that shes just saying that so I either stick around or keep her pleased through staying in contact. I am trying to put together an email for her telling her that I can't be in contact with you anymore especially if this is what you want. I'm sure I will have ten different drafts but hopefully it comes out right and not sounding like I'm hurting as bad as I am or that I'm trying to get her back. Which I'm standing my ground and WILL not beg or ask her to come back.