Saw her for the last time....

[blindreepr]

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. My head is slowing starting to win out over my heart. I saw her for the last time on Monday. I gave her the money that she put down for the deposit on our apartment. I asked her if she hated me again and this time she said no.

 

Apparently while talking to her I discovered that we both remember our confrontation completely different. She remembers me coming at her and her pushing me away then me grabbing her and I remember her punching me in the chest (I also had a bruise to prove something happened) and then me grabbing her to stop it. I think we both reconciled it to the fact that it was a highly emotional situation and that both of us got out of line. That's probably not what she will tell her friends, but whatever. The fact that we drove each other into a situation where emotions ran so high that both of us were left hurt, scared and not remembering what actually happened is scary. We both agreed that we can't be with someone that pushes us to that point.

 

We both agreed and laughed when I said that I feel sorry for our future boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

I asked if I would ever see her again in the future and all she said was that she didn't know. That she has a lot of pain and hurt right now because of our relationship. In the beginning of it I wasn't the perfect boyfriend and even though I eventually grew up like she wanted to she said she always felt like the old me was still there somewhere inside and that not enough time had passed in order for her to forgive me and try to move on. She's gotten back in some sort of contact with all her boyfriends, it took 4 years for one of them, but it's always happened.

 

I'm not sure if I do want to hear from her, but I do want her to be happy. And I do want to move on.

 

I am not sure that I can understand why she did what she did, really all I can say is that she is obviously immature still and struggling with who she is. She always said that she was a bad person and I think that finally I am starting to understand why she said those things. She told me a long time ago that she only hurts the people that she really loves. I think she does love me somewhere in there, but that she doesn't know how to and that she is afraid to love.

 

A few things have occurred to me these past few days.

 

By dating this guy, she is moving backwards. She is making school much harder on herself, she is going to spend much more time in the central valley of California, the one place she never wanted to return to, the place she made me promise that I'd save her from. She is dating a guy without a career or any real job that has stability. She is dating a guy that is basically a man- * * * * * and who will not be able to give her the understanding relationship that she had with me. Why put up with her moodiness when he knows he can easily get any other girl he wants? The fact that she is moving backwards made me laugh out loud when I realized it. It's so obvious to me, but she seems to be oblivious to it.

 

Another thing that occurred to me. One of my thoughts was that this guy seems to make her happy and he obviously wants to be with her since he has tried for the past year to take her from me. Well, I've finally given up and given her to him without a fight. I thought maybe since he wanted her so bad maybe he really loves her, maybe he really cares for her. But then it occurred to me, if this guy is so level headed and objective like she says he is and if he really cared for her, he would see what a * * * * ty situation that he has put her into. She has no money other than what I just gave her, she has no full time dependable work and now she lives an hour and a half from school with no car. So if he doesn't care for her then what are his motives?

 

She was unattainable. Now he has her. The honeymoon period will last for a while I'm sure. But it won't last. They both have been putting each other on a pedestal for the last year, idealizing in their heads what a relationship might be like with each other. And now reality is going to set in, things will get hard, harder than they expected because of the long period of idealization. Eventually he'll stop trusting her because he knows of her cheating past, she'll resent him and blame him for her mistake of leaving me when she did and making life much harder. It's a weak foundation for a relationship.

 

I do miss her and I hope that I'm wrong. That they will be perfect together and that she will finally reach a point in her life where she can be happy for herself, but logically I'm doubting that is going to happen.

 

I realize that even if and when things don't work out for her that she probably won't come back and even if she does that we can't be together until we get our own issues sorted out. Like I said in a previous post, me and her are like unstable dynamite. We push each others buttons so well that we eventually both explode and that's not healthy.

 

I've decided that I finally want to be happy and I don't think that I can do that with her in my life. I've decided that I want her to be happy and I don't think she can do that with me in her life.

 

We are both better off and it still breaks my heart.

 

In the end of our meeting I think we both realized it was the last time we'd see each other for a long time. Tears we shed, but this time, during this breakup, I didn't bawl. I didn't sob. I cried but I wasn't broken.

 

We hugged, said that we loved each other and said goodbye. Neither of us were ready to leave like that, but we forced ourselves to. Just like we are both forcing ourselves to move on right now.

 

It's for the better.

 

And I'm still conflicted.

[liquer]

It is for the better. It will get better, give it time, of course you are conflicted at the moment.

 

But you know it is for the best.

[abouttime]

Give her six months. She will come back and tell you how much she has grown and that she now recognizes what she had with you. She is a serial cheater, and will most likely never change. She will debase herself looking for the next emotional high. You are so well rid of her. Now you have experienced what you don't want. Go find what you do.

[blindreepr]

Give her six months. She will come back and tell you how much she has grown and that she now recognizes what she had with you. She is a serial cheater, and will most likely never change. She will debase herself looking for the next emotional high. You are so well rid of her. Now you have experienced what you don't want. Go find what you do.

as much as i love her i hope she doesn't come back. I just can't handle the emotional rollercoaster anymore.