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Am i fighting for something that is gone?


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Hi, im a mature young adult..


im from a heratige that highly respect family values and so is my girlfriend, so her parents can be quite forceful.


we would like to move out. but finacially it makes more sense to save whilst at home.


im finding it very hard for myself and my girlfriend to get along. we have been together for about 2 years now. and im struggling with intamcy issues. i feel like she is not attracted to me, avoids spending the night. and plans seem to be less frequent than 8 months ago.


i have spoke to her about this, and she says she cant stay over often or during work nights, because of her parents. and how they will judge her. being the "good italian girl".


she has grown up with a distant relationship with her parents where she has always been shown affection via money or gifts rather than hugs and nice comments. it all seems very plastic. and cosmetic.


where i have been brought up with a harsh father and a very kind and loving mother. both of which are very affection and always hear i love you. or a kiss hello hug goodbye etc.


now down to the question.


i had 2 days off this year. (in a row) we work a fair distance away from eachother. but she works close to my home. and i said to her we will can do lunch (she has 1 hr.) it never got organized,. this is just a small example along with never wanting to stay at mine.


am i looking to far into this. or am i fighting for something that wil never suit me. am i too emotionally attached an her not as much?


Thanks in advance guys

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Really, I don't think there is enough information here to judge that. Bottom line is, if you feel like she is distancing herself from you as of late, the best thing to do is to communicate with her. You will need to sit down and talk to her, face to face, about how you've been feeling. Communication is key in any relationship, and the bottom line is that you must have reasons to feel the way you are feeling. She can say nothing is different until she is blue in the face, but until you can sit her down and ask her face to face, you will never know for sure. Hopefully she is mature enough to tell you exactly what is going on. if not, you will have to try to read her by what she says and how she says it.


Tell her that you really need to know what is going on, and if she is not into you, that she needs to be fair and let you know so that you can move on. Let her know how much you care for her and that you want nothing more than to be with her, but that you are unhappy with the current circumstances, and if she is just trying to let the relationship fizzle out because she doesn't want to be the one to hurt you, she should just tell you right now. It hurts a lot more to be strung along than to just have someone come out and say it so you can move on and start the healing process.


My last Ex just came out and told me she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. It hurt like hell at first, but soon thereafter I realized what a favor she did me. Instead of just waiting for me to break up with her because I was miserable.


Hope this is helpful

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yeah i think, im sort of at that point. where im getting to the point when im not in love with her anymore. only because, of the distance. the constant pressing on her to want to spend time with me, or wanting to be affectionate.

and thats the other thing. in a "healthy relationship", where you see eachother a few times a week. how many times should couples be having sex? - i only ask because my expectations my be unreasonable. And i think she feels the fact that im in the mood more often than not. sort of puts her off? - or so i have heard?

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well, the problem is that if a girl is let's say slightly losing interest in you, the last thing you want to do is press her to hang out or shower her with attention and affection. I mean, same with a guy for that matter. I am not saying you have to play games....but I guess you kind of do. The best thing you could do in a situation like that is go no contact and when you do talk to her, tell her about all the cool things you are doing and sound really up-beat and happy.


There is no way to put a number on how many times people should have sex in a healthy relationship. I mean, it totally depends on the people. And, I think in most relationships, the frequency of sex decreases over time, unless you are making a conscious effort to kind of constantly re-invent yourself in the bedroom. you know, try new positions, toys, costumes and outfits, role playing etc. I think it is somewhat natural that in the beginning of a relationship, the "honeymoon phase," people may have sex every time they get a chance, sometimes multiple times in a day. But as the whole thing progresses, that tends to die off. Ideally, you find someone you are so compatible with that doesn't happen. But I think if your instincts are telling you she is losing interest, then she probably is, and making more of an effort to hang out with her is the opposite of what you should do.


Without knowing you or her or hardly any of the details, it sounds like the relationship has run it's course. But I still think you should sit down and talk with her to be sure. There is a chance that there could be something else.

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see but thats the problem, as much as my mind is telling me that its not suitable. everytime i see her. everytime im with her. every part of me couldnt be happier. and i justify my situation by telling myself that she is emotionally un attached because she feels like she is bring shame on herself to her parents. for "having sex etc". because her parents are pretty full on with the nothing till marrage type of stuff. so thats why i keep defending the idea that it might not be me.


but i really dont want to spend 2 yrs trying to move out with her. when odds are the relationship will fail. Divorce is at like 80% or something ridiculous?


i always seem to be defending this thou. which is starting to get to me

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If she keeps putting her family morals ahead of you, it can be a problem. I understand everyone has family ways they were brought up but in the end its really the individuals choice not their parents. Perhaps this can also be an excuse because she is losing interest. If you cant change this now, its never gonna change. is it worth it?

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