I feel totally betrayed

[evo12]

My boyfriend and I broke up 4 1/2 months ago, to make a long story short we were together 1 1/2 years, moved to a foreign country together but were having problems, he had a friend come to visit and they moved all his stuff out while I was at work and sent me an email that they were going to travel. I was totally devastated, I didn't hear from him for two months and then had a letter that he wanted us to be friends, I didn't respond and didn't hear from him again until a couple of weeks ago- he started emailing me all the time that he wants us to get back together, get married, have babies- I told him to leave me alone. I know that I'm better off without him and I'm not sad about the break up anymore but coming back to where we lived together, seeing people, moving all his stuff out (he refused to so I had to pack everything and get his friends to pick it up) has been difficult. It was like going through it twice and the whole time I was abroad I was dreading having to go through it again. But it's what I have to do to move towards something good and that's okay.

 

I'm posting here because tonight I went out for dinner with one of my two best friends, she has been there for me through basically all of this and I have called her crying and told her everything. She is still close friends with my ex's close friends and he is back in town now too and she was saying she saw him for dinner at a friend's the other day. After I told him to leave me alone he put a profile on link removed the next day to try to meet someone new- I know because this same friend was looking at link removed and told me- and I said that I felt bad for whoever he would date next because they would probably not know any of this back story and his friends probably wouldn't tell somebody new about any of it.

 

So this is the part that left me feeling totally betrayed- she said that why should they, his friends understand that this is him and he's done things like this before and I should have known that we didn't have a real relationship anyways. She was saying things I never knew about him sleeping with friends' girlfriends, etc., and that they weren't surprised with how he broke up with me, they were just shocked that it lasted as long as it did and that I really thought it could be something real. She made me feel like everyone was ridiculing me behind my back for being so stupid. I've been so nervous about seeing his friends (we all work together) and I feel like everyone is laughing at me.

 

I feel so stupid and betrayed right now, my ex completely abandoned me in a way that was so painful and so difficult and so public- I was left devastated and crying in front of everyone I work with and I was in a foreign country where I only knew a couple of co-workers and my bosses. They were incredibly supportive and understanding but feeling like everyone was laughing at me behind my back the whole time makes me feel like crawling into bed and never getting back up again. What was she thinking all those times I called her crying.

 

I don't know why but I can't handle anyone saying that it wasn't cruel on his part or that it was at all my fault. When it happened I know that people were thinking I had to have done something terrible for him to leave me like that- slept with someone else, been the worst girlfriend ever- and I didn't do anything like that, he wanted us to break up and just felt like it was easier on him to do it that way, that way he wouldn't have to deal with me crying and being upset. Now he's feeling lonely, having problems meeting someone new so he wants us to get back together because that would be easy for him. When we were together he went back and forth over wanting kids but knew that I wanted them, so now he's using that to try to get back together with me.

 

I feel totally betrayed by my friend and I don't know what to do. I think she's trying to justify things because she is still close friends with my ex's friends but I feel so alone right now. It hurts so much to think of all the times I called her crying, for her to say those things now. I tried to talk to her about it and we ended up getting into an argument at dinner- me saying it was very hurtful to hear that from her and her saying that it was my fault, I should have known it wasn't a real relationship, she was just telling me the truth.

 

I feel like * * * * - how do I know what's a real relationship and what isn't? How do I know if someone is going to do this or act like this? I've started very casually dating someone new and the thought of going through this all over again feels like the worst thing ever. I feel like I have to learn to protect myself better and the only way I know how to do that is not date anymore. I don't understand how I make such bad choices but then I feel like it is so easy for people to sit in judgement and say their lives are better than mine because they did things right and I did things wrong. I try to focus on all the good things I have in my life but I still struggle sometimes and things like this knock me so far down.

 

Thanks for any responses, I know this is long and doesn't make sense but I feel so alone right now and I didn't know what to do to stop feeling like this.

[I 3 Olives]

Hey Evo I'm sorry that you've been put through all this. Break ups are hard enough on their own, but not having support from friends would be harder

 

If your best friend knew your boyfriend was capable of hurting you in the long run why didn't she say something? That doesn't seem right to me.

 

Even if she is also acquainted with your ex, she is meant to support you, give you an honest opinion - and even if you don't heed their advice your best friend will still pick you up when they see you fall.

 

From the way this person has behaved she doesn't seem to be a proper friend and I can totally understand how this has made you feel ridiculed.

 

But please don't think that this is your fault! A true friend would try to warn you of impeding danger because they care about you - not sit back and watch you get hurt.

[zeldrick]

Hi evo,

 

I know that all these that has happened, became a double impact on you. One thing I don't get it is that, your friend knew what your ex is like, yet she still be there for you whenever you needed to cry it out or speak to someone.

 

I do not intend to speak for her, but just maybe, there could be another side of the story. Being there for a friend, especially when one is down, it's really not easy.

 

I've seen how my friends try their very best to be there for me each time I dropped them a call, an email, msn, sms..blabbering out all my pain and injustice done by my ex. It comes to a point where I tried to picture myself in their shoes, realising that it's not easy on their part...and honestly, it is never another person's obligation to be there for me..they are not my family..so why should it be their obligation? They could have chosen to leave me alone and continue on with their lives. Yet, they still be there for me when I cried and rant...etc...

 

Her fault lies in not telling you how he's like..or assuming that you knew what kind of person he's like.

 

Next thing that I would like to say is...I know this incident will impact on how you are going to trust anybody in the future, be it friends or partners. That's what I face with each time I'm being let down by a friend..ultimately, it's your choice. From this incident, you can be on your guard when it comes to people...or you can give your full trust and sincerity to everyone you meet.

 

For me, I chose the 2nd option despite many letdowns. I believe that sincerity can touch the other person's heart. However, I incorporated something extra for my 2nd option. That is assessing the other's character...if their words and deeds are inconsistent or do not match, it just goes to show this person might not be as he/she appears to be. This is something I've learnt from one of the many letdowns. In this sense, the pain and betrayal I've went through provided me a learning ground to identify trustworthy people at an earlier stage...before I get hurt.

 

It sucks that we have to learn it through the hard way. But that's the only time we grow and remember what we have learnt.

[evo12]

Thanks for your responses- they helped tremendously. I don't think my friend, or my ex's friends, really knew things were going to turn out badly- I think now it's easier to say "oh, it's her own dumb fault and she should have known" than to really process being friends with my ex as his behavior speaks to his emotional problems, or for my friend to reconcile the pain he caused me & his continuing friendship with her friends & presense in her life.

 

Things are hard for her and I know it- I've moved abroad and although the break up was hard, my life is really great- I'm living abroad, traveling, my career is starting to take off, I'm starting to date again, I'm closer with a lot of people now because of the break up, most days I feel very loved, happy & relaxed, positive & excited about the future in a way I never did when my ex and I were together.

 

My friend had a long distance boyfriend who cheated on her continually, a mutual friend of ours told her and she chose to not believe them, and eventually her boyfriend left her for a girl he had been cheating on her with. That was three years ago and she hasn't dated anyone since, she's been living in the same place and I am basically her only single friend, I try to encourage her to date or meet people but she's very negative about it and shoots down the idea of even meeting someone new with reasons why it would never work, even though I know she really wants to meet someone new & settle down one day. It's hard to have the stamina to start dating again after a major break up, and her being friends with my ex's friends can't help- the friends are several married couples with kids, and to watch them blame me and ridicule me for a painful break up has to make her feel even more insecure about trying to date again.

 

I think it is easier to say you can see how things will be from the beginning if you look hard enough than to admit than people & life are dynamic,complex & surprising. I think it is easier for others to say that the pain someone caused me is my own fault instead of admitting that it could happen to them.

 

And then it makes me feel bad for my ex as well- if his friends never thought he could be happy or have a real relationship like theirs- which is totally condescending & cruel- they're not really his friends- which can only contribute to the type of emotional problems & insecurities he has. I know that locking myself up and never trusting anyone again isn't going to work- but I feel like if I want to believe people can be kind & compassionate I need to surround myself with people like that and minimize connections with people who are negative, unsupportive & cruel to each other. So another reason it's good my ex isn't in my life anymore- his friends suck! It's just too bad that they're negatively influencing my friend.