More Than 10 Seconds, Please!!!

[yellow_sweater]

I've been having sex with my boyfriend for about three months now. 85% of the time, he gets off within 20 seconds/ 10 thrusts. 10% of the time, it's within 1 minute. 5% of the time, he lasts longer than 1 minute. (Those are just my estimations, obviously I don't have a check sheet next to my bed.) The times he does last longer than a minute, it's after he's already had one orgasm, so he's barely hard. Basically, the sex sucks (and not in a good way), and I can count on one hand the number of times I've had an orgasm from it in the last three months.

 

We've talked about it before, and he doesn't seem to recognize that it's a problem for me. He just says, "I can't help it" and that's the end.

 

Before me, he has had sex with two girls (his high school girlfriend, only a few times, and his college girlfriend). Apparently, his college girlfriend could get off insanely easily... like, apparently he could play with her breasts and she'd have an orgasm. Apparently, before me, my boyfriend hadn't had sex in any position other than missionary and had never gone down on a girl. So, he's very inexperienced.

 

He does try to please me orally (hasn't been successful) and with his fingers (some success, although my orgasms that way are "meh" at best). I get the feeling he resents me and thinks it should be as easy to get me off as his last girlfriend. Consequently, I feel a little awkward and guilty about asking him to do things in bed. He has said he doesn't really like activities other than sex because he doesn't get any pleasure from them.

 

Basically, this dude SUCKS in bed, and I'm getting more and more frustrated as time goes on. I have brought up the issue without any resolution a few times, but I haven't pushed the issue, because I don't want to make him feel badly about himself (I know that will only result in more sexual problems for us).

 

Guys, if you were my boyfriend, what would you want to hear from me? How can I make him see that this is important to me: I'm not being satisfied and I'm NOT asking for anything that outrageous, so he should either learn to get d*** good at oral sex or learn to last longer than 10 thrusts? I want to be respectful and supportive, but the longer this goes on, the more frustrated I get.

 

GAH. Is this a case of DTMFA?

 

See also:

[alli]

You could ask him to use his hands on you first to get you close before doing it. And there are a few methods he can use to make himself last longer. When he starts getting really close he could stop for a few moments. Also, he could think about non-sexy things like football or his grandma.

 

Do you guys use condoms? Without them the guy really feels a lot more, which doesn't help your case. Get the thicker ones to dull his sensations a bit.

[pace of ace]

Simply.... communication. Dropping hints and stuff wont help. If he's mature enough and you ask to talk about this properly with him, and discuss it as a couple, it shouldn't (i would hope) be a problem. But obviously i dont know you or your fella so i really cant say for sure.

 

Basically the only way to solve this is by talking about it in a respectful (not knocking him) manor.

[yellow_sweater]

You could ask him to use his hands on you first to get you close before doing it. And there are a few methods he can use to make himself last longer. When he starts getting really close he could stop for a few moments. Also, he could think about non-sexy things like football or his grandma.

 

Hey, thanks alli. I like all of your suggestions... except I don't think he realizes that it's a problem. And if he does, I don't think he believes there's anything he can do about it.

 

Do you guys use condoms? Without them the guy really feels a lot more, which doesn't help your case. Get the thicker ones to dull his sensations a bit.

 

Nope. I am pretty sensitive to the latex, and I get wicked UTIs when I use condoms. I have an IUD and I've been tested for everything under the sun, so we're comfortable with not using them.

 

Thanks again for your response. Any ideas on how I can communicate with him?

 

YS

[Anonymous122]

If I can offer you a recommendation, you may want to look into viagra as a possible solution. He will still orgasm very quickly, but his penis will still stay hard so that you can enjoy yourself and finish even though he's already done. Approach the situation very carefully. Men are extremely sensitive about their sexual performance. Be gentle and compassionate about it, and you'll likely get some results.

[yellow_sweater]

Simply.... communication. Dropping hints and stuff wont help. If he's mature enough and you ask to talk about this properly with him, and discuss it as a couple, it shouldn't (i would hope) be a problem. But obviously i dont know you or your fella so i really cant say for sure.

 

Basically the only way to solve this is by talking about it in a respectful (not knocking him) manor.

 

I totally agree with you. Thanks for the input.

 

Except HOW should I communicate? What are some things I could say that don't sound accusatory (you never get me off! you suck in bed!), but still get the point accross?

 

YS

[yellow_sweater]

Approach the situation very carefully. Men are extremely sensitive about their sexual performance. Be gentle and compassionate about it, and you'll likely get some results.

 

I know. That's why I'm asking you guys here, before I say anything to him. I do want to be gentle and compassionate. What are some things I could say?

 

If I can offer you a recommendation, you may want to look into viagra as a possible solution. He will still orgasm very quickly, but his penis will still stay hard so that you can enjoy yourself and finish even though he's already done.

 

Thank you for this suggestion. He's only 24, and neither of us are big fans of prescriptions unless they're totally necessary, so I'm not sure if he'll go for it. Remember, I don't think he realizes that this is actually a problem, considering 10 thrusts was enough for his last girlfriend. I appreciate the suggestion, though, as I hadn't thought of this before.

 

YS

[Anonymous122]

Thank you for this suggestion. He's only 24, and neither of us are big fans of prescriptions unless they're totally necessary, so I'm not sure if he'll go for it. Remember, I don't think he realizes that this is actually a problem, considering 10 thrusts was enough for his last girlfriend. I appreciate the suggestion, though, as I hadn't thought of this before.

 

YS

 

It sounds to me like it's pretty necessary. Also, it's not uncommon for younger men to use viagra. Many men suffer from sexual problems that can be rectified by a simple pill. It's a prescription, but you also only take it right before sex. You only take it when you need it.

 

As for your approach... I suppose I would be happiest to be approached about it in a sexual way. Get him into the heat of the moment, then be a little bit controlling about it and ensure that he gets you off before you get him off. Otherwise, it's likely not going to happen.

[jettison]

Considering that you're going to end up dumping him unless he improves, I'd start with this...

 

- Buy him a jumbo box of climax control condoms. They exist. They work. Why not use them? I went through a brief "problem period" that must have been all psychological where I had to do a lot of, erah, waiting around for lack of better verbiage, because I was always feeling like I would come to fast. So, I met this women, and I tried the climax control condom. I last about 4 and a half hours. Of course, this is waaay too long, and I felt bad for the woman since she was bending over backwards (quite literally) to get me off, but with no success, but believe me... they do the job.

 

However, don't make the mistake of going down on him afterwards. I didn't have the heart to explain to my new lover why her lips suddenly went numb. "Ummm... are your lips numb too? I don't understand why this is happening."

 

- Next, make him wear two of those things if one isn't working.

 

- Also, tell him that he gets exactly zero access to your junk until he's he's concentrated on the rest of you for a minimum of 15 minutes. Quite literally, grab an egg timer and put it on your nightstand.

 

If that doesn't do the trick then nothing will.

[yellow_sweater]

Considering that you're going to end up dumping him unless he improves, I'd start with this...

 

- Buy him a jumbo box of climax control condoms. They exist. They work. Why not use them? I went through a brief "problem period" that must have been all psychological where I had to do a lot of, erah, waiting around for lack of better verbiage, because I was always feeling like I would come to fast. So, I met this women, and I tried the climax control condom. I last about 4 and a half hours. Of course, this is waaay too long, and I felt bad for the woman since she was bending over backwards (quite literally) to get me off, but with no success, but believe me... they do the job.

 

Sorry, I shouldn't laugh... but your last sentence is (unintentionally?) hilarious.

 

The condom thing is my problem. Something about the latex leaves me prone to crazy, wicked, kidney-infection level UTIs.

 

However, don't make the mistake of going down on him afterwards. I didn't have the heart to explain to my new lover why her lips suddenly went numb. "Ummm... are your lips numb too? I don't understand why this is happening."

 

- Next, make him wear two of those things if one isn't working.

 

Haha, thanks for making me smile.

 

Also, tell him that he gets exactly zero access to your junk until he's he's concentrated on the rest of you for a minimum of 15 minutes. Quite literally, grab an egg timer and put it on your nightstand.

 

...and all the while he's thinking, "Damn, my last girlfriend wasn't such a pain in the ass."

 

Remember, that's all he has to compare me to. And I get the feeling he thinks that sex should be "One, Two, Done." He has told me flat out that he prefers activities in which both partners get pleasure (that's why he's not that interested in going down on me). Problem is, when he gets pleasure, he just gets way too excited... then we end up having sex, he gets off, and I'm stuck with a lousy finger. AGAIN.

[alli]

You could do some research & show him the facts you have found. That most women can't even GET there with sex, much less 2 minutes of sex. While it is great his ex could do it that quickly, it is highly unusual. It takes the average woman around 20 min of stimulation (I'm guessing). Tell him that he feels great, but your body requires more time to get there than how much time you have now.

 

Then offer up the other suggestions I previously gave. He should want to pleasure his gf, not get all defensive that you are saying he sucks.

 

I think certain types of condoms give me UTIs. They SUCK, don't they? You should ask your Dr to recommend some other type of non-latex condoms that will protect you from STDs. Because unless you stay with this guy forever (which I'm not saying is not possible) you will want to protect yourself in the future.

[Casanova]

Well, I'm a little surprised that he doesn't see it as a problem. It almost sounds like he's being selfish and doesn't care about your needs. So at this point you need to make it clear to him. You need to be upfront and direct, because in actuality, its a big problem (even though he doesn't see it that way). If you make it sound like an important issue in the relationship, he should listen up and take it more serious.

 

It sounds like he has PE (premature ejaculation) but i know there are certain things he can do to prevent this. There are desenthesizing condoms ad creams you can buy at pharmacies. He can also get viagra like it was mentioned before. He can also develop stronger PC muscles (kegels). There are also certain things he can do when masturbating that will help him last longer when having sex.

 

The fact that he doesn't care however is a bigger issue, and if he is still reluctant to listen then you should move on unfortunately.

[yellow_sweater]

You could do some research & show him the facts you have found. That most women can't even GET there with sex, much less 2 minutes of sex. While it is great his ex could do it that quickly, it is highly unusual. It takes the average woman around 20 min of stimulation (I'm guessing). Tell him that he feels great, but your body requires more time to get there than how much time you have now.

 

I like that idea. It will make me feel more confident if I have some research in hand. Also, it makes it less personal... it's like, "Ok, here are the facts. You don't have to feel badly about it, you are not a problem and there are things we can do together to please both of us."

 

I was thinking of approaching him in a non-sexual setting, contrary to Anonymous's advice. I think it might be easier (fewer distractions, less pressure) when we're not in the "heat of the moment." Then it will be easy to have a few links bookmarked on my computer or something.

 

I think certain types of condoms give me UTIs. They SUCK, don't they? You should ask your Dr to recommend some other type of non-latex condoms that will protect you from STDs. Because unless you stay with this guy forever (which I'm not saying is not possible) you will want to protect yourself in the future.

 

One of my friends uses non-latex condoms and she likes them, although they are more expensive. IF I start dating someone else in the future, I'd take her recommendations for sure.

[yellow_sweater]

Hey Casanova,

 

I see what you're saying, and thanks for being in my corner. I think he might realize that it's a problem... but because of his inexperience, and because this stuff is hard on a guy's ego, he doesn't know what to do about it, so he's in denial.

 

That's why I'm looking for sensitive, compassionate ways to help him... in the end, I'll benefit of course ;-), but so will our relationship.

 

What do you think? Clueless or denial?

 

YS

[jettison]

Actually, he can wear a climax control condom and then put a non-latex condom on top of it and double up. If that doesn't slow him down then nothing will. And I'm serious... how will this not solve your problem? It's golden.

[TrinaF]

Buy a toy, when hes is finished, you get started. He will get the idea! Or the next time he fondles you in any way pretend to orgasm quickly..... Ok ok you really need to talk with him about this!! It sounds to me if this is not corrected then it is going to be a dealbreaker and the relationship will not last.

[yellow_sweater]

Actually, he can wear a climax control condom and then put a non-latex condom on top of it and double up. If that doesn't slow him down then nothing will. And I'm serious... how will this not solve your problem? It's golden.

 

Hmmm... I wonder if having the latex "down there" in general would mess me up. Haha, I'm totally willing to give it a shot!! I'll let you know how it goes. ;-)

 

If he STILL gets off after five thrusts, then I know it's totally all in his mind... God, that would be like having sex with a piece of wood. Without the splinters.

 

YS

[Casanova]

Since ur allergic to condoms...I've tried the creams and they work really well. Durex makes it and you can buy it anywhere. And when he rubs it on give it a few minutes for it to work. He will know when all of a sudden he cant feel his member,lol.

 

Also maybe ur turning him on too much. Perhaps try just laying there with ur clothes on. just kidding, well not really.

[pace of ace]

I totally agree with you. Thanks for the input.

 

Except HOW should I communicate? What are some things I could say that don't sound accusatory (you never get me off! you suck in bed!), but still get the point accross?

 

YS

 

 

It's not easy, and i can only comment on how i would react. But if my girlfriend said to me something along the lines of "can we talk about our bedroom differences" (Or something like that) and she put it accross in a sensitive, and for the benefit of the both of us, kind of way i would do everything i could to work on it.

 

Just try things out. If he isnt into foreplay for example but you are, just try experimenting and seeing if you can find a middle ground.

 

If he gets stroppy or doesnt wanna meet you halfway, then he probably isnt mature enough to even be in a sexual relationship.

[Casanova]

Hey Casanova,

 

I see what you're saying, and thanks for being in my corner. I think he might realize that it's a problem... but because of his inexperience, and because this stuff is hard on a guy's ego, he doesn't know what to do about it, so he's in denial.

 

That's why I'm looking for sensitive, compassionate ways to help him... in the end, I'll benefit of course ;-), but so will our relationship.

 

What do you think? Clueless or denial?

 

YS

 

It's probably a combination of both. You're right, its hard on a guys ego so he doesn't want to admit it. Tell him that admitting is the first step. jk

 

So you should just tell him that its ok, and you want to make this relationship work. That its ok if he's emabarassed. Side with him. If you show him that you dont think any less of him and that you really want to help him overcome this dilemma, he should respond positively.

[kuiks8]

have you told him that right now you are not partaking in activities where both partners get pleasure?!?!

I think he is being incredibly selfish!!! seriously...not going down on you b/c he doesn't get anything from it?!?! the guys i have been with get something from seeing me get off...tell him to grind against the bed while he does it so he gets to feel something too...

 

I agree with Jettison...tell him he gets no access until both parties are considered and he's willing to put some effort in to lasting longer than 10 thrusts...

 

Sorry you are dealing with this YS...

[yellow_sweater]

have you told him that right now you are not partaking in activities where both partners get pleasure?!?!

I think he is being incredibly selfish!!! seriously...not going down on you b/c he doesn't get anything from it?!?! the guys i have been with get something from seeing me get off...tell him to grind against the bed while he does it so he gets to feel something too...

 

I agree with Jettison...tell him he gets no access until both parties are considered and he's willing to put some effort in to lasting longer than 10 thrusts...

 

Sorry you are dealing with this YS...

 

Aww, thanks for your support kuiks. I'm kinda pissed to be dealing with this, as well, because in all other respects this guy is great and fits into my world very well. But that's also why I'm willing to try to work through it.

 

I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, his last girlfriend taught him NOTHING about how to be a good lover (and I do believe that all good lovers have had good teachers). I'd like for him to become a better lover, and he's not going to get that without a little help. Clearly, no one has told him that being a good lover means making sure your partner is satisfied. I wonder if he feels inadequate because he can't last long enough to satisfy me, and because of that, he doesn't really know what to do. I wonder if he feels inadequate because he doesn't really know how to do anything besides missionary position sex, so he doesn't know how to please me. That's what I mean by giving him the benefit of the doubt...

 

...but while I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'd also like to work on improving things. Specifically, 1) finding a good way to talk to him so we can BOTH admit that this is a problem and 2) having good, concrete suggestions for him (and me).

 

Also, I just really want good sex. Really really really want good sex. This dude is HOT. And he gets me ALL SORTS of hot and bothered. Time for him to learn to seal the deal, as the kids say these days. ;-)

 

YS

[kuiks8]

Well i think the discussion needs to take place far far away from the bedroom.

Tell him what you want sex to be like..tell him how amazing it is to switch positions, to get all hot and sweaty and to be able to feel each other differently...how if he can last longer you can expirement etc...

Tell him he turns you on like crazy and you want to explore your sexuality together...tell him you're willing to show him some different things...

 

Try that...but i would say that if you have a clear conversation where you outline your needs/desires and he doesn't change that there is then a problem...

[bmwm3]

Maybe you need him to have him, tug on it before you guys have sex.. so he can build up the stamania.. so you guys can maybe go a few min...

 

i have the other problem i usally go 30-45. and hard for me to finish.. and i usally get some complaints that it start hurting by then...

[yellow_sweater]

Maybe you need him to have him, tug on it before you guys have sex.. so he can build up the stamania.. so you guys can maybe go a few min...

 

Oh yeah, that's the other thing: he doesn't masturbate. He says it feels SOOO much better when we're having sex, so he no longer has any interest in masturbating. So he doesn't really do it any more.

 

No wonder he's ready to go as soon as we hop in bed...