A little irritated over G/F's response to an email...

[tru8lue]

I wrote a polite email to my gf if she can give me the rest of the balance she owes me soon (I charged a couple of plane tickets for her on my credit card). We had agreed that she would pay me by the end of last month (which did not happen). This was a friendly reminder to her. I was sorting through my finances and seeing who owes me what. I offered to her to pay me half this month and half the next if she was tight on money, and to talk to me if she still could not do that.

 

Her reponse really iritated me. It seems like she might be somewhat sensitive on money issues. She told me that I not discuss this subject over email and that I sounded like a collection agency. She mentioned that my email made her feel uncomfortable. Knowing her, I already know how worked up she probably got in her head.

 

It also appears that there had been a miscommunication somwhere apparently. I remember clearly stating to her by the end of last month (she says that we agreed to the beginning of 2009, which I know I did not agree too).

 

She was supposed to give me the balance a month ago but couldn't because she had to buy Christmas presents for her family (she has been somewhat irresponsible with her finances, hence why she didn't have money to pay for presents and for what she owed me). I tend to be on top of my finances (we are opposites of each other).

 

Anyways, I am in no way hurting for money. The thing that bothers me is that she says that she is going to do something and she doesn't do it. She has gotten into arguments in the past when I would forget to do something small. I'm not angry at her for not paying me, it just seems like there is a double standard (especially with her response).

 

My email was a friendlly reminder (I even addressed her as 'babe' and put 'love you' at the end of the letter).

 

Was her response appropriate? Am I wrong for reminding her (especially since she didn't pay me by the end of last month as she said she would)? She is quick to get angry with me when I forget something and i'm not. I was just reminding her in case she has forgotten.

 

Opinions?

[xCOREx]

I dont think you were wrong business is business. I think you should talk to her about why its so sensitive for her. doest she relate the money to something. whats so bad about it that it offends her... as in whats so bad about owing money. and if she doesnt like to owe or it makes her feel incompitant then maybe she shouldnt do it. I think stick with the babes and loves ans such but talk to her about why it means that much to her and why it makes her uncomfortable.

 

 

gl

[agent1607307371]

Don't discuss money with her, and if you don't want to stop lending to her, then at least stop expecting her to pay you when she says she would. And if she isn't on top of her finances, she's probably never going to pay you back when she should.

 

Some people just get extra fussy over money.

[confused25]

No I don't think you are in the wrong. She's just trying to guilt trip you. You were being nice by lending her $ and she's taking advantage of the situation.

 

I personally would never lend $$ to my friends or boyfriends.

[HellFrost666]

Well, seeing how you are in a relationship with her I can see why she felt uncomfortable.

 

How long have you two been together?

[DN]

You wouldn't be acting like a collection agency if she didn't treat you like a moneylender.

 

The fault is hers and she is trying to turn it around on you.

 

I would see this as a huge problem in a relationship and it would make me question whether it was worthwhile continuing with it. She is taking advantage of you.

 

If you ever lend anyone money, friend or relative, always ask for an IOU which spells out the amount and repayment date. You tell the borrower that the reason you need it is that if, god forbid, anything happened to them, you have proof of a debt to show the executors of the estate. You don't need to mention that it also covers you if something like this happens.

[rosephase]

why not talk to her face to face? e-mails always feel clinical. I would feel pretty bad about it if I got an e-mail from a friend or loved one about money. Mona between people can be really hard for some. And maybe if you are nice and do it face to face and try not to sound like all you want is your money back she will respond better.

[rosephase]

You wouldn't be acting like a collection agency if she didn't treat you like a moneylender.

 

The fault is hers and she is trying to turn it around on you.

 

I would see this as a huge problem in a relationship and it would make me question whether it was worthwhile continuing with it. She is taking advantage of you.

 

If you ever lend anyone money, friend or relative, always ask for an IOU which spells out the amount and repayment date. You tell the borrower that the reason you need it is that if, god forbid, anything happened to them, you have proof of a debt to show the executors of the estate. You don't need to mention that it also covers you if something like this happens.

 

Why would you lend money to someone you felt like you needed that with?

I would rather take the hit and just know I won't lend then money again then be like a banker with my friends.

[tru8lue]

We have been dating a little over 5 months.

 

This past weekend we got into a conversation about how her ex's used to take advantage of her financially. I don't know if all of this is related as if those money issues are triggering something now.

[DN]

Why would you lend money to someone you felt like you needed that with?

I would rather take the hit and just know I won't lend then money again then be like a banker with my friends.

Because I have seen too many times what lending money can do to wreck friendships and relationships even when the money is repaid on time. It puts a relationship out of balance. It can be very hard to refuse and asking for that makes it clear what the expectations are on both sides.

 

And many people can't afford to 'take a hit'.

[tru8lue]

Why would you lend money to someone you felt like you needed that with?

I would rather take the hit and just know I won't lend then money again then be like a banker with my friends.

 

 

Then if I where to take the hit, what would I say to her the next time she needed to borrow money? Tell her that I wouldn't because she didn't pay me the last time?

[looking_up]

I can see how she would get offended by the email, you should have asked her in person, and email to someone you know really well about money they owe you is passive aggressive no matter how you tried to spruce it up.

 

But you do have every right to ask for the money back, she agreed to pay it, and it sounds like you're even offering her to pay you back slowly.

Her not bringing the subject up before now would lead me to believe she had no real intention of paying you back.

[jettison]

Wait... do you mean to imply that there are women out there who you can actually date and have relationships with that AREN'T like the person you're describing and do not employ similar double-standards? Sure, right... and the Cubs are going to win the World Series.

[girl68]

Don't discuss money with her, and if you don't want to stop lending to her, then at least stop expecting her to pay you when she says she would. And if she isn't on top of her finances, she's probably never going to pay you back when she should.

 

No way you should NOT talk to her. That's like just sitting around and letting a problem grow.

 

So I've been in a similar situation at least one where I the person who makes a lot less needs to pay back my bf who makes alot more.

 

Firstly it's never fun having a collection take place on you. Not from the bank, nor your partner so I can see how she doesn't like it. Still this is no excuse. If she owes she needs to pay up.

 

It sounds like you are understanding of her not being as well off as you which is great.

 

When you go home and see her bring up the email you sent say you never meant to sound like a collection agency or whatever and all you meant it was as a reminder. If she says she thought you agreeded to another date to pay you then fine, because she might say in her head, I KNOW I didn't agree to that... Let this one lay, you have enough to fight over. Ask her if she's in a crunch if she says yes, ask her if she can make smaller consistant payments. If she says no, ask her when she can come up with it as soon as possible.

 

And for next time if she seems forgetful, tell her that she either pays you when you've agreed on or she WILL receive reminders until she can prove she doesn't need it.

 

If she in the end cannot see your POV, or why you want the money back then she is not ready to deal with money, and in particular YOUR money. I am her in my relationship but I he understands my money, and I understand his and we meet in the middle.

[nutbrownhare]

I agree with DN about the debt collection/money lender bit.

 

Stay pleasant, but make sure she keeps her part of the bargain in terms of paying you back, even if it isn't within the timescale you hoped. You could tell her you understand that it's ****** to be taken advantage of financially, and appreciate that she wouldn't do it to you.

 

But learn from this ... in future, if she wants to borrow money from you, tell her that you felt it caused unnecessary unpleasantness, that you love her, and that you don't want to go through that scenario again.

[tru8lue]

We actually went on two trips together and we put all our expenses on my card (plane, hotel, food, etc). I even paid for some of her food mind you. She was supposed to give me a check right away so I didn't carry a balance on my cards. She never did what she said what she was going to do, which was to pay me immediately. It was her suggestion mind you. A couple weeks later she still hadn't paid me. She was hurting on money from going out with me (she was spending lavishly on outings with me, but she was spending more than she should have).

 

So I guess since I had paid her trip on my card, she felt like that bought her time or whatever. I have had other people take advantage of me like this, and i never do this anymore unless I really know the person. I shouldn't have done this with her. I thought I could trust her because she was my gf. Anyways, I didn't learn about her financial situation until the last time that she didn't pay me, hence why I gave her extra time to pay me back.

 

On top of all this, I treat her out often whenever we go out (70% of the time I treat her) and even cook for her. I don't feel like I should be getting this type of response, especially with how i'm so nice (I don't expect reciprocation, but I DO expect for someone to not give me a hard time when I remind them for money that they owe me).

[JadedStar]

I dont think you did a thing wrong.

 

To those who think you were in the wrong, let's look at it this way - if she already agreed and lived up to her end of the bargain, i.e. paid you back, that email would never have to be written.

 

I would be very irritated with HER that i even had to write the email and that she had not already come to me with acceptable arrangements, so I do not find you to be in the wrong at all.

 

I also agree with DN's responses. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you can use someone by agreeing to one thing and doing another.

 

If she needs to borrow money in the future, before lending it i would remind her of this and let her know that you do not want to have to ask for it back and want it back by the time agreed upon.

[alli]

I wouldn't pay large sums of money for things for her in the future. She should have been writing you a check as you were booking the airline tickets. Let us know how it goes talking with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You wouldn't be acting like a collection agency if she didn't treat you like a moneylender.

 

The fault is hers and she is trying to turn it around on you.

 

I would see this as a huge problem in a relationship and it would make me question whether it was worthwhile continuing with it. She is taking advantage of you.

 

If you ever lend anyone money, friend or relative, always ask for an IOU which spells out the amount and repayment date. You tell the borrower that the reason you need it is that if, god forbid, anything happened to them, you have proof of a debt to show the executors of the estate. You don't need to mention that it also covers you if something like this happens.

 

I totally agree. She is taking advantage...she doesn't have the money so she is trying to deflect blame...she is creating a storm in a teacup in order to shift the attention to you rather than on the fact that she doesn't have the money.

[CarrieB123]

This is our year baby!

 

 

Sure, right... and the Cubs are going to win the World Series.

[tru8lue]

Update: So I calmly tried to talk to her and tried to find out why she responded that way. She told me that she felt attacked. We did bump heads and disagreed on what date we had agreed on. Anyways, the date aside, she could not give me a rational reason (or any reason for that matter) on why she responded the way she did. I proceeded to tell her to take some time to think about it and get back to me. This is not the first time she has overreacted to an issue, so I wanted her to think about it. Well she told me she had nothing to think about and that she wouldn't.

 

I got even more irritated because there are already other issues in our relationship where she refuses to resolve them (or take corrective action). I told her that I needed time to think about our relationship.

 

30 minutes later she texted me that the real reason why she acted that way and felt attacked was that she took out 3 large loans three years ago each at more than 29% interest and she was too embarrassed to tell me.

 

Whatever she did in her past is the past but I still don't think she should have reacted to my email in that way and gotten angry at me. If her creditors are after her for not paying on time, she shouldn't take it out on me. Now all I see is a BIG red flag that I have to investigate.

 

Any ideas on how to proceed? I feel like an apology is owed on her behalf. I feel like she was being dishonest on the phone by saying that she didn't have any reasons for reacting the way she did and then turns around and texts me this info. I'm saddened on how she could lie to me and that has shattered my trust.

[LostInFlorida]

Well, it sounds like theres a good chance she is legimitely embarrased about the state of her finances. Nobody wants to tell their partner "hey, I'm a deadbeat, and owe too much to pay you".

 

The thing is this. If this relationship is more than "casual", and maybe going somewhere, then stop with all the "you owe me" business. It sounds like you are talking about a relatively small amount of money, and if this is a serious relationship, then you should be looking at it as a "team" concept, and not so much the "thats mine, this is yours" idea.

 

If it is in fact a serious relationship, what you SHOULD do is make an appointment for her (at your expense) with a financial consultant, and HELP her get better at dealing with money, instead of complaining about a few grand, if its even that much. You are not helping the problem by sweating her for the money without offering her some kind of help. And besides, if it is a serious relationship, then its also in YOUR long term best interests to correct her money habits.

 

And if it is not a serious relationship, then just dont lend her anymore money.

[tru8lue]

You haven't read my entire post. What i'm upset about is not the money, but the principle. She said she was going to do one thing and she doesn't do it or even bothers to tell me that she was not going to be able to. If I were to do something similar, she would be quick to get really angry so there's a double standard. I even mentioned to her to talk to me so we can work something out.

 

I didn't learn that she was that deep in financial trouble until she let things break down and not communicate this to me. I didn't learn this until the last text that she sent me. It's one thing to tell me she can't pay for presents...its another to tell me that she took out 3 large loans each at 29% interest rate (at least), and is having a hard time paying it back.

 

My email to her was a friendly reminder. If after a couple more months she hasn't addressed the issue at all, then I would see that as a sign of disrespect and that things concerning me are not a priority. If she has problems regarding finances, she needs to tell me about them and not wait until things get sour as they are now.

[DN]

If you had known that she was that deep in debt - would you have lent her the money?

[tru8lue]

If I knew she was deep in debt I would have just paid for our trips and not expect her to pay me back.

 

I just talked to her on the phone a few minutes ago and she apologized for taking it out on me.

 

She mentioned that she was embarrassed and that she was afraid that I would think that she was stupid and that I would leave her. She also mentioned that she felt jealousy that I was such in a good financial position as opposed to her.

 

I told her that if she thought paying me back would be a problem, she should have mentioned that to me ASAP.

 

I told her that she can keep the money and i'm not expecting it back and that I won't let her borrow money anymore. If she would be receiving money from me it would be a gift. I am also going to give her some financial advice that I use as well as refer her to a counselor.

 

My dating life with her just got really watered down I feel. It's obvious that she won't be able do much as far as going out with me unless i'm the one paying. She owes about $30k in loans total each at 29% living on a receptionist wage and living at home with parents to help her while she is paying off her loans. On top of that she is going to school part time and lives 40 minutes away. I guess this is a topic for a different thread? Dating her seems complicated now due to these financial issues.

 

Opinions/Advice?