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Divorced and trying to still fix us...


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I am in a similar situation. I started feeling like my wife was guarding the phone. So I just looked at the bill. I saw a lot of the same number and a ton of text to the same number. I called it using the blocked number and it went to voice mail. Now I had a name and a number and a somewhat of a location. This is all before she even knew that I might know. Then one day I just walked up to the car and said you are always on this thing is the phone that cool? She said yah and I said let me see. I made it into a game and she chased me I was laughing all the while checking her messages and previous calls. She finally caught me so I gave the phone back to her and said it wasn't that much fun... That event started a whole pile of actions on my part.

I acted like nothing had happened or that I didn't know a thing. Then I bought her a new phone, one that I could use to monitor her texts and other stuff. The phone came in I set it up and put it back in the box and taped it up.

When she came home she was so excited and opened it up and figured it out. Once she started using it I was being fed everything. After all it was one of the phones on my account and I was not using any illegal software. Just the included features. So every time she sent a text it CC’ed me and every time it received one so did I. It was all sent to an email account that was not known by her. If I was still in England maybe the laws would have let me do more.

As time passed two months, I was starting to get depressed because my life was falling apart in front of me and I had to do something.

This is the tough part. When a woman, your wife is conspiring against you. She had planned to pack her bag and hide it from me; she wasn't even going to tell me she was going to leave. She was going to drop the three kids off at her parents and go meet with this man. She had planned this all in advance. I thought to myself here goes 19 years down the tubes. A couple days before she was suppose to pack, we went out to eat and took the kids, my son loves pizza so we ordered ahead of time and ate it once we arrived.

Ok I have to step back for a few moments her so you can get an idea of what I tried before all this. Once I knew the situation before the planned rendezvous, I asked her three different times are you seeing anyone else? The answer was no are you kidding. Ok a play on words. Lets try something different here. The next time I asked are you involved with somebody else. No your silly. Alright now I have to ask a direct question… About two days after that I said are talking, texting or emailing somebody else you have feelings for… … … nothing, she said what are you getting at here. I said you seem distant. She said piss off and felt betrayed. Then she really acted distant. Ok at this point collected everyting because she will deny it till the end. I have countless pages of text, recording enough to make a movie and a good one. Lies, betrayal and all the good stuff. Now back to the night we were eating pizza. On the drive home I was sitting in the car figuring out the best way to tell her I know, but I had to keep the kids busy. Three kids are not easy to entertain. So threw a ton of candy in the playroom and put in a movie.

Then I walked back to the greenhouse room where she was and walked up to her and said hey you want to go to a bed and breakfast and just hang out. I will call your parents and have them watch the kids this weekend. I saw her wheels turning. She said what why would we do that. I said just though we could get away and relax. The next process was a great I wanted her to just tell me and she wouldn’t. She said oh that will ruin my plans I had for you. So I acted surprised! What did you do or what do you have planned for me. She said I called some of your friends and set up a guys weekend for you and they are going to bring some beer and all the ATV’s. I said Oh man that was so nice of you to do that I have needed it. She then looked relieved. I said I have to run to the store and get something’s I’ll be back. I left and left a tape recorder in plain sight and on. The second I walked out the door I heard her make a phone call and say I think our plans are totally messes up. She said I told him I had something planned for him and I think he bought it so I have to call some of his friends. I had all ready texted them so they played along and all seemed well. I went to the store and bought some soda and batteries for the tape recorder.

When I arrived home she had told what the plans were and where we were going. I just smiled and said I Love You, you are always thinking of me and my feelings. I just feel so loved that you would go through all this trouble to do this, mate I am excited. Perfect leadin to the next conversation. So what are you going to do this weekend? Oh I think I am going to take this kids to see their grandparents 4 hours away. Conveniently near the airport in their home town. I said cool I am going to have your sister come visit with you so you guys can hangout. Well now she began to stress again. I saw the wheel turning and she said I would just like to spend some time with them and see my girlfriends from high school. Oh that’s sounds fun it is like a getaway for each of us…This is where the fun starts. I say this now because I am mentally comfortable and moving forward and well you’ll see. Well I have a better idea… She said what, how about I call (the mates name she was talking to) and see if he wants to come into town and you can hang out and catch up on old times in person… She said what and almost passed out. I said I can pack your bags and then you can go down there once I leave. I won’t even know. She was fading fast!

Mind you I was saying all this like I am totally nonchalant about it. She said everything slowed down like a dream after the fact… You can tell him how much you are not attracted to me and express you love for him and how said you would be if he didn’t try to have sex(F^%#) you, oh because you really needed it. I then said that would be awesome. I said you would be getting F%$# twice in one week. She said I didn’t have sex this week, I said no but you are getting F%$# right now. I then divulged all that I knew and what I had and she called my bluff.

I then produced all the goods. Then destroyed them in front of her, by burning them in the fire pit. When I showed her the documentation she almost passed out again. When I said the children won’t be in your way because I will do everything in my power and without sparing any cost to get them she just about hit the ground. I said whats wrong? Is that not what you want, to be you and find yourself, support yourself and live the life as a single woman again. Is not enough to not work with three kids in school and do minimal housework. You will be free. How much fun would that be? I then started the tapes and I thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. I also burned the disk, but not before I backed them all up on a remote server. As a physician I thought that money and technology were a great mix and I was right!

She started crying and looking away from me in disgust. I then said I will not let you ruin our lives. You need to leave, the kids are staying and if you try to remove them I will call the cops. I said you have some choices… You call it off or I call it off. Oh by the way the other dude was married and 10 years older. So I called his wife and said you need to snoop around in his stuff and if you can’t work it out call me and I will help you keep your kids.

Does this sound vindictive? Its not. I have seen too many people screwing around on their spouse and getting VD’s from others and I have treated them. I always thought to myself if this ever happened to me I would want to know. Ok now the cats out of the bag and screaming!

What next, I will tell you I cried, got mad, felt hate, saw a lawyer, and planned for divorce. I was not going to stop at anything to keep the kids. I own my own practice so I set the hours and I also have two other doctors that keep up the job. The children did not know a thing and once reality set in with my wife, she out of either fear or whatever came to me and said I will give it a go. I love you but don’t want to be touched by you. Wrong answer, we attended some seminars and counseling and tried to work on it. The damage was done, from my end. It hurt me way to much I felt like a toss pot.

This was not good because I loved her. Hormone excuses or not she was definitely messed up. But the bad thing about it is I have to go to work even though I felt bad. I had to take care of the kids and keep a smile on my face and make money. I did take some vacation to stay at home. Then I was smothering her. So I couldn’t win. I will not let this pass until she acknowledged to me she was wrong and we had some work to do if we want to make this work. The laws in my Southern Midwest State would not allow for all the evidence to be used but most of it was admissible in the best interest of the children. So the ball was in my court. No pun there.

Long and the short of it I have three kids at home with me and she is struggling; I have given her gas money three or four times and bought her some groceries. The court awarded her $30k in 401k retirement money. She has used that up. The tough part is that she had to take half the bills and her part was $37k and she had to pay for her Lexus SUV she wanted so bad, that’s gone now. She now drives a Chevy four door.

The kids are happy here with me and hate her place because it is small they don’t have anything to do except watch movies, plus her new boyfriend (not the mate that she was talking to) is a salesman and is never home. She works two jobs just to keep the lights on and pay her bills. I have told her she can come home anytime, but with rules. She does not get an ounce of spousal support and in fact she is supposed to pay me child support. I told the court it was not needed after three months, because after all I can afford it. The part that sucks for me is that I still love her and I don’t know what she has to prove other than she can make it on her own. It is a shame because she works so much that she doesn’t have any time to spend with the kids. I have paid her bills so she could visit with them. I did not think the court was going to be so ruthless on her. She has tried to submit documents to the court for custody but has been denied every time, she can’t even support herself. I guess being a secretary and bagging groceries is so bad. In the end I wish she could have just chosen to love me again. It was there when we got married and we had it rough when I went to medical school but sheesh life is a tough one when you break your vows. I have regrets and they are mainly early in our marriage. I was not unfaithful (not a regret…I have peace because of that), I was I always working long hours but I thought it was for us.

I invited her for dinner the other night and she came over. I had it catered, I know but I was tired. Anyway she said she screwed up and wants to try again. I don’t know if it a swish just to get back at me or she is genuine after all how can I trust her? She looks good but can’t keep her eyes open. I guess all the work is killing her. I wanted to just hold her, but she won’t let me. What do I do? How do I know if it is real or a trick? The kids are screwed up because they want us back together and they keep asking is mom here to stay? The mate she is with now is nice and is nice to her but the kids hat him and don’t want to be around him. They said because he is not their dad. I have a woman I am seeing and they don’t like her either, so it looks like I have to keep that separate. It has been 8 months now and they have not even warmed up to her. I would rather love my wife. Then pretend with someone else.. Help!!

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The problem is that that there is no way of knowing that she really wants to reconcile or whether she wants her home, Lexus and lifestyle back. The only clue is that she doesn't want you to touch her and, for me, that would be enough not to give her another chance.

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This is a really mind-blowing situation. I'm not sure whether you can really climb back either from that kind of betrayal (on her part) or that kind of surveillance and game-playing (on yours). Would either of you really trust the other again?

 

You say you invited her to dinner, when you had the talk about how she screwed up and wanted to start again. Did you initiate the talk and dinner, or did she? And is this more about lifestyle and the setup with the kids that you had before, on both your parts?

 

Either way, I do have sympathy for both her boyfriend and your girlfriend, who look set to get hurt through no fault of their own.

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She did not love you if she plotted against you like this. If she won't let you hold her, that says she wants the benefits without the commitment.

The kids are unhappy, no one else will ever be their mother, but it is not your fault. You will love her for a long time, until you let go. Only a tincture of time will help.

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Wow KeepMovin,

 

What to say? Though I do not advocate betrayal from a spouse in any form. I am also personally a little disturbed by your calculated spying and even setting her up activities. Sometimes some honest questions and discussions can clear up a lot. I also am sorry it is your children who have become the bartering chips in this conflict. I wish for you and your wife that you find a common ground to let the children know and love you both, without your personal conflicts influencing them at such young ages.

 

Perhaps you both should just let go. You have both shown such distrust and disrespect to each other in so many ways, give each other a break and work on being good parents to the the children you share.

 

I am truly sorry for both of you, it must be incredibly painful.

 

I wish for you better times ahead.

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wow...good job sir. I did something like that as I work in the computer field, but forgot hte tape recorder, which is genious. I dont consider that game playing, just CYA. My stbx lied and I even called the guy, and we got into it..could have gone further, but I thought about my kids..now we've been separated for over a yr now.

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