jamesonfire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have been with my girlfriend for near on a year now. Every now and then she will get angry at me for absolutely nothing and tell me to get out of her house. For instance last night, she was talking to me all normally, she asked me a question for which I answered in a normal way, she didn't like "the way I said it" then got pissed of at me for the whole night and wouldn't talk me to, I apologised for it (which I find myself constantly doing, apologising for something that I haven't even done) got up this morning and she told me to leave, I didn't want to so she started getting violent with me, held me down on the bed with her knee on my arm, practically about to break it. I admit I got a bit physical when she did that because I didn't want my arm broken. She then proceeded to get angry and headbutted me. Now my girlfriend is very petit but very strong woman, she is 27, and when she head butted me I fell to the ground. I love her so much and I wouldnt do absolutely anything in my power to be with her, but I find myself in constant emotional stress, one minute she is really happy, shes all over me and kissing me, telling me that she really loves me and that I'm also her best friend and that she wants to marry me. Then the next minute shes hates my guts, wants nothing to do with me and tells me to leave her house. She knows she has bipolar but has never been diagnosed for it, I'm not sure what Im supposed to do, I wanted to be with her more than anything in the world, she is the most amazing person when shes not angry at me for small things, she acts as though I have cheated on her which I would never do. The incident that happened last night isn't the first time, its happened a quite alot, and I know it cant be me, because I have assessed the situations and I completely innocent in all the times.....can anyone help? advice? Thankyou James Link to comment
DN Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Welcome to eNotAlone. Leave her - now. And never go back. Violence is never acceptable and it is entirely irrelevant whether she is bi-polar or not. You had to respond to her violence and defend yourself by being violent in return. This will escalate to a point that one of you - probably you - will end up in jail. She is toxic and the best way to deal with toxic people is to leave them entirely alone. Link to comment
bmwm3 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 If i was in your shoes.. i would ask her to stop.. and if she cant stop or wont... i would leave no matter how much i loved someone.. its really no way to leave and have a healthy rel... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 honestly, i'd of beat her down. some girl wants to throw down, it's on. but definitely get out of this situation immediately. Link to comment
DN Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have to say that the advice to a male who is being physically attacked in a relationship is the same as it is for a female. You must leave. It is not your responsibility to get her counselling in the hope that she might not do it again. It is not your responsibility to solve her problem for her. It is not your job to accept being abused because she may be bi-polar. Do not fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as her knight in shining armour who is there to rescue her from her demons at the risk of your own safety. And do not let others persuade you into that mode of thinking. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Get out while you still have your self respect. You don't have to put up with this kind of treatment and it's not up to you to fix it. It is your repsonsibility to keep yourself in a healthy environment. Link to comment
DN Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 And it is very disturbing that she has done this multiple times. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 im not sure how often this happens, but similar situations happen in my life from time to time, except i am the "abuser". it is awful and i am ashamed of myself for acting so horribly to the person i love the most, my boyfriend. i have emotional problems, have not been diagnosed bipolar (no insurance or doctor) but have definitely struggled with mental health issues my whole life, im 25 and over the past 4 years i have gotten physically violent with my bf 3 times. it happens over things that are not a big deal to most people, i am overly sensitive to tones of voice and pointless comments. when i act out i feel like a child having a temper tantrum, anything he says or does will make it worse, its horrible. the best thing we have found so far is to just leave, when left alone i calm down much faster, i either go out for a walk, or he goes for a drive. this really sucks, but he should leave me, he doesn't deserve to be berated for nothing, and no one deserves physical violence, especially from the person they love. He has become so afraid of me that he is not honest about little things he thinks might make me mad, its very bad and sad that he has to live in fear of me Link to comment
jamesonfire Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I know its is quite disturbing, she trys to thrown me about, grabs my arms with her finger nails and digs in, kicks me away, i feel like its be provoking it, she says its the only way I'll listen, which isn't true, I just wanted to be talked to normally, and nicely, I tell her that and she gets even more annoyed at me and she wonders why I get upset so much Link to comment
bmwm3 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I know its is quite disturbing, she trys to thrown me about, grabs my arms with her finger nails and digs in, kicks me away, i feel like its be provoking it, she says its the only way I'll listen, which isn't true, I just wanted to be talked to normally, and nicely, I tell her that and she gets even more annoyed at me and she wonders why I get upset so much def, has some anger issues.. maybe from her parents growwing up... Link to comment
jamesonfire Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 She was homeless when she was 15, her dad was a * * * * and she doesn't really remember him but though apparently her dad tried to kidnap her and her brothers when they were younger. She is ok with her mum now but appparently she used to hate her to...not to sure on the whole story really, im to afraid to ask Link to comment
jamesonfire Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 lilyloser Thankyou for opening up about that, it seems like you are how my girlfriend acts towards me, getting annoyed at tones of voice and pointless comments, to the point where i become afraid to say anything, any normal person probably would have left my girlfriend by now but I, like you boyfriend want to stand by our girlfriends and help them, thankyou for your opening up, its really helped me Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 youre welcome. it really sucks to live like this, from both sides of the situation. as for the comment about how we were raised, i agree that a lot of these problems come from the examples set by our parents. my parents hated eachother when i was growing up, they never divorced but taunted eachother (and us kids) about it, they fought on a regular basis, my mom was the physical one most of the time mainly throwing things and yelling a lot. my dad is much larger than my mom and never hit her or anything, just yelled a lot. my dad did however get physically violent with me mostly when i was a young teen, mostly grabbing my neck and pushing me. now that some years have past from living away from them, it is easier to realize that i "learned" how to be in a relationship from them, and they were not good examples! add on mental health issues and that is an equation for disaster... Link to comment
HerDestiny Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I'm sorry to hear you found yourself in a position like this. I was abused by my ex-boyfriend and my mother for years. I'll tell you the things I did wrong, so hopefully you won't make those mistakes too. I stayed (#1 mistake!). --This is like saying, it's okay if you are abusive toward me. I'll still be here! You've got all the time in the world to change your mind about how you're behaving. Let my self esteem erode away. --At that point, I felt as if I was alone in the world and grew attached to the people who were abusing me. My life started to revolve around them and they DEMANDED 100% of my time and attention. My father has also been abused by my mother. He's been punched in the face, had his belongings kicked and broken and has stayed with her all these years. And very similar to what you said, my mother will do this to him if she doesn't get her way over something as simple as going on the vacation she wants to the particular place she wants to go. She points all responsibility for any unhappiness in her life on my father. What I wish I would've done: Get my head straight, start making plans, sit down with the person who was abusive toward me and inform them, if their behavior doesn't improve immediately, they will never see me again and MEAN EVERY WORD of it. One time should've been the end of it! You should have left this abusive relationship right away. She should already be out of time to make up her mind to stop this. You should never give her a single chance again to treat you this way. This is your life so you are the one who has to put your foot down and put a stop to this. She probably has no real, honest plans to stop. You have to make the plan to stop her. Link to comment
jamesonfire Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Thankyou for the advice herDestiny. I have thought about the telling her that if it doesn't stop then I will leave, but it scares me, mainly because I get to the feeling she will just say "go then, I dont care" out of the year that we have been going out we have shared 90% of amazing times and the other 10% is the crap stuff.....so her saying that "go then, I dont care" is hurtful, I don't know if I could take that...Ive been split up with before, had many relationships, I'm 23 and know how handle being slip up with, but this seems alot different, like I'm supposed to stay with her. Shes basically already said that she doesn't want anything to do with me, but she was extremely angry at that point.. Lilyloser...when you are angry at your boyfriend, what do you feel like..is it just completely blank in your mind and all you want is him not to be there and never seem him again? Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Lilyloser...when you are angry at your boyfriend, what do you feel like..is it just completely blank in your mind and all you want is him not to be there and never seem him again? pretty much yes. but i have learned that i am really angry and mad at myself and am just projecting it on him. i do get blind with anger and cannot believe some of the things i have done out of anger. it is much easier to say to leave and never come back when you feel worthless about yourself and your own life. sometimes i think i mean it, but it is always in the sense that it would be best for him, and not what i really want. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 As someone who dated a bipolar girl, get out now and run. Link to comment
ww2 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 This is a sad situation. I have been there. If you stay, eventually it will be your fault. By that time you will have made so many excuses for your behavior that your ability to connect to another human being will be damaged. Get out now. Link to comment
beejcee Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i am in the process of divorcing my husband after being together for 10 years. i love him, so why am i divorcing him you might ask? because he refuses to accept his diagnosis of bipolar and work to become stabilized. being with someone who is untreated for bipolar can be like living in a constant state of alert and fear with no sense of security. i took it as long as i could and tried to stay strong and supportive but it wasn't enough even though my efforts almost destroyed my life, too...... no one can make this choice for another person, so you must make your own decision, but i will say you are walking a very stressful road if you choose to stay with her. blessings both of you! Link to comment
agatha Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 ok, I'm bipolar, diagnosed, medicated for 2 years and now relying on an adorable mother/psychiatrist/best friends/loads of self control combo to keep balanced. if you want to help, first you should try to get her to recognize that _there IS_ a problem. trying to ignore it will only make things worst. a boyfriend of mine did that, until I attempted suicide. but I'm overly rational, so I left him and sought treatment. that's a rare case, it usually takes loooooooooooooads of love and communication to actually accept the fact that your brain over reacts to things. second, get her treated. talking to doctors is no fun, sometimes it takes years to find the right medicine, and to develop a relationship with your doctor so you can call him/her in the middle of the night, in the middle of a tantrum and say 'help, I lost control'. meds are another painful chapter. until you get used to them, side effects are awful, and all you want to do is to stop them. takes a large deal of strength to go through that. if she really gets a unbiased diagnosis of bipolarity and is correctly medicated, both of you will find how adorable life is when all the conflicts created by mood swings vanish. she'll probably get more productive as well. third: start defining limits for her swings, NOW. get yourself respected. you love her, and you care. I know. it's hard. I threw a heavy wooden chair at my brother once, nearly out of the blue. because he asked me something I had already answered him. that was when my mother sat with me and said "enough is enough. you can't hide behind a diagnostic, and you don't want to. even if you don't feel normal, play normal around people, they have nothing to do with it". after that, she gave me a punch bag, where I'd vent whenever. see, it won't be easy. takes load of self-determination, support from friends, family, whoever is close enough and up to the challenge. and tons of reconditioning. even if "kick his ass" is what she feels, "behave yourself" should be her mantra. Link to comment
agatha Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 and, of course, if you don't ever get her to get treatment, run for the hills as fast as you can. it's totally unhealthy to cope with that. ^^ Link to comment
DN Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 This woman is violent and has been violent in the past. Violence often escalates and becomes a tragedy. He should not be required to continue being a victim for her benefit while he continues to suffer. No woman should be required or pressured to stay with an abusive partner no matter what the reason for the abuse - and that should also apply to men being abused. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I agree completely with DN on every post he's made here. OP - you are not a doctor or councellor. Those are the people who will help your girlfriend. I understand that you want to feel like the hero, but you cannot rescue her. All you are doing is swimming further out into the rocks alongside her. Link to comment
jamesonfire Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Its terrible, I find myself constantly apologising just to make things better, because even though I feel like I am in the right in situations she still insists that I am wrong. Then starts saying that, im thick, retarded, stupid, a pr**k. I just had an hour and half phone call with her where she kept basically having a go at me, and talking over me when I was trying to talk. Then I got upset and started crying, I think she might have started to feel bad because she basically stopped talking and i started talking about other things and she was replying...finally...but still the situation stands with her and thinks it won't get better (even though evidence suggest that things always get better) When things do get better, she will apologise as shes always does for the things that happened, and I apologise aswel just make things easier....i don't know whether I should even be doing that, but I just do it so that things can go back to normal. Its come to a point where i have to re-read the texts I'm about to send her about 4 times just incase there is something inthere that might annoy her. I do know how she works now, but sometimes there will be something new that will piss her off....the stress of it is unbearable and yet I still love her enough to want to be with her. Admittedly when we argue I put the crying on just so she will stop...its got to that point. I do want to be with her, hell I want to marry her and she wants to move to australia which I would love to do...but she has already said before that if she does have bipolar, that she doesn't want to be treated for it. My head hurts!! Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 It doesn't matter if she wants treatment or not. This is an abusive relationship and your girlfriend is abusing you. BPD is just one more of a string of excuses you will hear about why she does it. Pretty soon it'll be because "you made her". Get out now, you can save yourself. You can't save her. Link to comment
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