Is this a good idea?

[Lissy]

I know this is going to sound strange, but everything about my recent breakup has been freakin' weird. My ex-fiance cheated on me 6 months ago and I left him. The woman he cheated with was also in a LT relationship of 11 years. My ex and this woman are still dating, although it is a LDR as she lives in another state over 1000 miles away. I was devastated initially, but in the last 2 months or so, I've done a lot of healing. The pain has stopped and I am moving on.

 

This past weekend, her ex got in contact with me (long story as to how that happened). Apparently, when she broke up with him, she never told him why. She never told him that she had an affair, that there was someone else. In fact, she outright lied to him when he asked that question and said there was no one else. He just found out on New Year's Eve that there was an affair. Needless to say, he is extremely hurt that he was lied to for so long and cheated on. He contacted me because he wanted to know how long it had been going on, etc. I know a lot about what happened, more than I should probably, and I didn't want to hurt him more by telling him. But he insisted that he needed to know. So I told him everything I knew about the situation. He told me he's going to get counseling because she really screwed with his head. I think that's good and I offered to help in any way I could. Was that a good idea? I'm not sure if talking to me is the best way to heal for him. I'm OK with it, but I've had 6 months to process my emotions about this whole thing. He's had 6 days. Any thoughts?

[Singlestill]

If you care about someone it is perfectly natural to want to help them. I am glad you are in a place where it isn't tearing you apart. That is when you know you have moved on I would say be leery of him trying to come back to you, because he is vulnerable and might want to reach back in time, but him going to counseling is probably a good thing

[franfran]

Toughie. You already told him, so I wouldn't dwell on whether or not you made a wrong decision by telling him everything. It's true that his relationship with her had nothing to do with you, but if I were you I probably would have done the same thing. He'd probably be running himself around the same circle of questions for an incredible amount of time, cause you know he wasn't going to get any answers from his ex. Who knows, maybe you two can help each other through this in a positive way.

[alli]

He had a right to know what was going on. And he wanted to know, if he was begging you not to tell him & you did anyway, that would be different. You did the right thing. Counseling will be good for him; he'll be fine with time just like you.

[jettison]

I think that both the cheaters would hate to know that this was going on, and I also thing that that is more the acceptable since their feelings aren't the ones that matter at this point.

 

You two share a strange bond/kinship not very much unlike two survivors of the same airplane crash might feel for each other. You have a unique glimpse into each other's turmoil. It's like a mini-support group so long as both of you feel comfortable enough with the connection.

 

From a writer's perspective, I can already picture what I'd write...

 

The two dumpees lean on each other for support, become stalwart friends over the course of many, many months, and eventually, lovers, and marriage. Of course I DON'T recommend anything of the like. I just think it would make for an interesting book. And of course, the cheaters would break up after 6 months and find themselves lost and alone.

 

In any case, no need not to lend this guy your ear, insight, and sympathy.

[DN]

I think you absolutely did the right thing.

[lostandhurt]

You have a lot in common as far as being cheated on. Wouldn't you help someone here that just found out? I think helping others to heal using our own expeirence is the best way. You have been where he is now and can empathize. Who knows you might leasrn something while you help him.

 

lost

[Lissy]

The two dumpees lean on each other for support, become stalwart friends over the course of many, many months, and eventually, lovers, and marriage. Of course I DON'T recommend anything of the like. I just think it would make for an interesting book. And of course, the cheaters would break up after 6 months and find themselves lost and alone.

 

LOL! Wouldn't that be ironic. I know he's got a lot to sort through and her lying to him all this time didn't do him any favors. It kept him from starting the healing process 6 months ago when he should have. I am happy to help in any way I can because it wasn't that long ago that I was where he is. I just wasn't sure it was healthy, but the more I think about it, I really don't see anything wrong with it. I'm sure our exes would have a different opinion, but who cares what they think!

[jettison]

LOL! Wouldn't that be ironic. I know he's got a lot to sort through and her lying to him all this time didn't do him any favors. It kept him from starting the healing process 6 months ago when he should have. I am happy to help in any way I can because it wasn't that long ago that I was where he is. I just wasn't sure it was healthy, but the more I think about it, I really don't see anything wrong with it. I'm sure our exes would have a different opinion, but who cares what they think!

 

You have a good handle on this. Their feelings are rather inconsequential considering how inconsequential their feelings were for you while you were together. And yes, the irony is beautiful in that one. Love it. It would be like some extended variation of wife swap with the best part being that the cheaters end up alone while the dumpees end up in love.