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Trying to better myself


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My name is Zach. I am 20 years old, serving in the U.S. Army as a Combat Medic. I'm not exactly in a bad place right now, but I feel that I need to make some changes in my life if I want to live a successful life. Here are some of my problems:


Willpower. Either that or motivation. Whatever it is, I'm lacking in it. I am a severe procrastinator. I have a tendency not to act until it is the eleventh hour, so to speak. I am just too apathetic. I have a hard time getting out of bed, regardless of what the day's plans are. Sometimes I feel as though a prison would be more suited to my taste than a normal life. My room is littered with projects that will never be finished. So many ideas.


Here's another, quite interesting, problem I have. How to explain..

Very often, I will come accross a strange coincidence. Sounds normal. Here's the kicker. I take almost every one as a sign from some higher power. This power runs my life. Ok, here's an example. I met a girl named Rowena at a club called "King Star" a few days ago. She is cute, and seems to have a decent sense of humor. I don't know her very well yet. Today, I noticed that the label on the buttons of my favorite coat reads "King Star". Rowena is not the love of my life. Ha. I exaggerate slightly, but don't let me downplay the seriousness of my illness. I hope I don't come accross as insane, however. Let me offer this possible explanation...


I am deathly afraid of responsibility. I am so very quick to take one step back and dodge it altogether. Usually I will wait until all of my choices except for one have ceased to be available. Ties in with the procrastination, I suppose. Every once in a while, though, good 'ol Higher Power will toss me a bone. I see it as real life foreshadowing. Sad, huh. Every day on my calendar reads "Fate". (well, they would if I had a calendar.)


And lastly is drugs. It's not that I'm a threat to myself or others. (I don't think so, anyways) And I can have plenty of fun while I'm sober. I'm just... shy. I have popped over 1,000 pills, chugged at least 100 gallons of alcohol, and taken a hit or 2 of the reefer. All to be social. I alter my state of consciousness before I go out if I have any chance of talking to someone that I'm not 100% comfortable with. (aka- close family, friends) This could mean going to a club, on a date, out to eat, or even my job. (I presently work at an E.R. You see how this is a problem.) When I'm high, it is much easier for me to "be myself" A therapist once told me that I developed all my social skills while high, and thus they are retained in that state. However, he also told me "God must have a purpose for you, because according to the amount of poison you have consumed, you should be dead right now." What a jerk, right? I just hope that one day I can function in society (talk to girls) without popping a few pills first. And by a few I mean 32. You'd be surprised how fast you can build a tolerance to opioids. Ha. Don't let me scare you, though, (I flatter myself. I know you don't care) I study pharmacology and I don't want to die. I believe this combo should keep me somewhat safe


Now to whomever reads this, if you have any advice, or wouldn't mind hearing me rant (I'll return the favor), please reply or shoot me an email.





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I guess all of the problems you have are heavily related to the drugs, you could have solved them, but you've chosen the "fast way", drugs hide things, but they don't vanish them, same was with me drinking alcohol and smoking weed for years - I tried to set myself a goal that I can (being sober) talk freely to people the same way as being high or drunk...


I've met much more people being sober and the conversations are a lot more emotional...

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