The fear of feeling like you'll be forgotten...

[Tommi]

As the title reads - I have said fear.

 

Hey everyone Been a while since I've logged on and a lot has changed. Kinda. xD

 

Basically I turned 18 in September, was thrown out of my dad's house in October and found 2 jobs here in the town I'm now living in. Had an on and off relationship going with my ex (who I dated throughout High School, she's still in school) and for those of you who are familiar with Jakkee - Still trying to figure out what's going on between her and I.

 

Anyway... My first job was a burger joint (I'm still employed there but have received no hours for 3 weeks but I refuse to quit!) and second is Round Table - Making minimum wage and feel like school isn't overly for me... And a lot of thought went into this, and a lot of feeling as well...

 

Those are dead-end jobs unless you go management... And I can't see myself being 30 running a Round Table. Not happening. Those of you who can handle that, I salute you!

 

As for me, I've decided to go Military - Navy Corpsman in fact, and request placement with a Marine Unit on the ground, possibly Front Lines. I don't want to be part of an occupation force, I want to be moving. Just who I am I guess. lol.

 

Anyway... What stirred this action wasn't so much a desire to kill anything (I've been told otherwise... But as a Combat Medic I think that's kinda against my abilities [still carry a gun but when someone goes down so does my gun])... as it was a sense of duty, of honor, of pride in one's country. Now I'm not so much a fan of Obama, I voted McCain (Let the bashing begin lol) but I still am proud on a basic level of the freedoms we enjoy here.

 

My biggest fear is not of death, nor of pain, nor of mental destruction... And I'm not trying to sound like I'm something I'm not, I've just come to terms with mortality and reality and my mind is something I can control. Pain and death are worldly happenings and, while heartbreaking, they happen. What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.

 

My biggest fear IS the fear of being forgotten... Coming home to no one. Where everyone has moved on and it's "Who are you?" Coming back to a world where the girl I really like has moved on and doesn't even remember how she felt... Where I'm just another face in the crowd.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's not fame or glory I'm wanting... I don't want to be a shining example of anything. I'm not going in for heroism or to get noticed... It's just nice to know there's people at home... Friends... Who are always by your side and will never leave. That's what I fear losing

 

Any advice, and thanks for your patience in my long spiel...

 

-Tommi

[emptyjar]

Yea. I feel like I'm nothing special to the people close to me. Even though they say they love me so much and stuff like that, I think that if anything happened I would be easily forgotten, and there would be nothing I could do about that.

 

Not sure if that's what you are thinking. And this isn't exactly advice. Just saying you're not totally alone I guess.

[Tommi]

Well...

Somethin' like that ;P

[emptyjar]

Yea, not really I guess lol. Oh well.

[Tommi]

*Wink*

Close enough that I understand. Just wondering if anyone out there can help rationalize this clearly irrational fear that I can't seem to make shut up lol

[Josh19]

I am feeling the same way, i am in the fear that my girlfriend for 5 months is not telling me something or has forgotten me. When we started dating for the 1st 4 months we were fine, we talked any and every day possible and chatted on myspace all the time. Now it is as if she ignores me, avoids me, like she isn't telling me something. We are very close and in my eyes we have something amazing together but it has all changed and I am feeling as if she has forgotten me. I have done nothing wrong to scare her or make her feel as if I am being 'too much' of a boyfriend. I asked her about it and i got this: 'I'm sorry i can't answer your every question?'. That is completely unfair to me, don't you think? Before she would answer everything and I am not sending her 5 messages a day saying 'answer me!!!' or anything I just wait until she replies, which at some times take weeks. I have tried asking her about it on myspace but the message is 'Read' not 'Replied' as if she intentionally read it and didn't care.

[greensleeves]

Hi Tommi, it's nice to see you back here! I think that your fears are justified as you'll probably come back a completely different person than you are now. You'll have seen and lived through things that your friends and family back home won't be able to relate to and I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't a common problem for returning service men and women. The good thing is that people generally support the troops in this war, even if they don't support the war itself which wasn't the case in for instance Viet Nam. I also wouldn't be surprised if the military provides some sort of counseling for those who are returning home...I'm not sure if they do, but it would seem like something that would be necessary.

 

I think that if you go, you'll make alot of new friends and because you'll come back a much more mature and disciplined person, you may find that the reverse of what you're fearing to be true. Rather than your old friends not accepting or forgetting you, you might find that you might no longer relate to the lifestyles that they're leading, if that makes any sense.

 

You also need to remember that at the age you are now, many groups of friends go their separate ways regardless of what career choices they make...some go off to college or travel, others start jobs that take them in a different direction and some enter into serious relationships and start to settle down. So,it wouldn't really matter if it were the military or something else that you chose to do, it's really sort of a natural that this would happen anyway. Your family and your true friends aren't going to forget you, just like they wouldn't forget you if you went away to college or somewhere else. Just try to make it a priority to stay in touch with the people who are most important to you.

[7ate9]

Tommi,

Those are some very real/honest feelings you have. I think everyone feels that way in some way or another. I think the main thing to see is that you are important and can make an important contribution to others around you and yourself. You can't really control who that is going to effect and at what level. But there is always going to be someone out there who will think of the good things you have done and the contributions to their lives that you have made.

[Tommi]

Thanks Green, 7ate9

 

To Sleeves - I suppose you're right, and I just kinda wish I didn't have this fear. Jakkee is still a big thing in my life right now, even with all the crap we've put each other through lol... But recently I met a girl... Her name is Hannah... Biggest problem is she's 15.

 

But she's amazing. Same musical tastes, similar interests, she's beautiful... Gah.

I guess it's these two girls, Jakkee and Hannah, who make me feel like I'm something so much bigger than I really am... I fear losing. Idk. lol.

 

7 - I never looked at it that way.

 

Thanks for the replies, it's helping me focus more on my goals

[Davie]

Tommi, we live in different cultures, You're in the USA and I'm in the UK. Although we're both about the same age with me turning 18 in early April, I also have a fiancee in South Dakota.

 

Anyway, since I got engaged to this girl, slowly my friends on this side started moving away, speaking to me less, wanting less to do with me. They say they don't see what I'm talking about. One of them hasn't wanted anything to do with me since I told him and he WAS my best friend.

 

I don't think Joining the army is a resport that should be taken until last. Even if you joined your American National Guard (Territorial Army as we call it here in the UK) you could still be shipped off to war. It's happened in the past.

 

My fiancee told me I couldn't join. She didn't want me to fight and die. Maybe you should talk that over with Hannah... I was ready to fight for Queen and country simply to feel like I was at least doing all I could to protect my loved one.

 

Although luckily the whole thing died down and she stopped me... I suppose really I'm just rambling... but please just use the army as your last resort mate. Don't do it unless you really feel like your country is under threat... which right now the states is not.

 

Also... the army would change you and the amount of time you're gone they might just think less of you. Put a little more thought into your actions (That's not a criticism).

 

Please don't risk your life for the right to be called private and to be remembered. Not unless you really genuinely feel like you have no moral choice.

 

My most respectful regards.

 

David.

[Tommi]

Aww, sleeves...! I wanted to read his political commentary!!!!! Darn. Hehe.

 

Anyway David... I guess that friends do just part, those who are truly dear to us, never leave us. Idk.

Glad to hear you're engaged and I hope that works out for you.

 

But look at it this way... While I like Hannah... She's 3 years my junior... Which is illegal, if I might remind you... Because some politicians, in today's world (as opposed to the world 100 years ago...) believe that someone who is 15 doesn't have the mental capability to decide whether or not they like someone who's older than them. (No political agenda posted Green hehe... Just pointing out factual information [Let's keep in mind... 15 and 18 were generally married for most people, so why the shift?])...

 

Anyway... Besides the point!

 

I've felt a desire to go military since I was in 9th grade. I'm now graduated. That feeling has only grown. While I've told people I'm going to the Navy before and been restrained... I've come to accept that it's a desire that I can't fight and if I do... I'll end up a hollow, bitter man who regrets ONE thing in his life... His unwillingness to follow through with this.

 

As for morals... I find they're pesky and get in the way of a lot of things and I try to avoid having most of them. I said MOST!

[Tommi]

Decided to not open up a new topic... Figured I'd just mooch off my own

 

When it comes down to it... About Jakkee and Hannah...

 

Jakkee is 17, turning 18 in Feb... But wants no relationships, just casual sex with me. She claims that if she's having sex with me, she won't be having sex with anyone else... So it's like a relationship, but without the title?

Obviously... a part of me is cool with that - But the greater whole of me... Even my cold black heart (I've been told I have one by my last 3 ex girlfriends lol) is uncomfortable with it...

Jakkee and I have a lot of history, if you've read my posts from before and remember... Nothing has changed. So... Idk what to do, part of me wants to push her away, to heal myself... And part of me feels I need her around to be whole...

 

And Hannah... Ah jeez. Idk why I fell so hard... I can't explain how I feel about her. I've never actually met her face to face... But we've talked a lot and become pretty close. She's 15... So yeah. But... She's one of my step-cousin's friends and I care about my sister's and my cousin's friends on a basic level... But I saw this girl (courtesy of my cousin going on her myspace and showing me a picture [we had been arguing over whether or not Hannah is prettier than another girl - I think so]) and saw her musical interests... She's beautiful, she's got great musical taste... Sure, she dances to hiphop (which I can overlook, cause in all honesty it's music you can dance to, rock is for moshers And her personality is amazing (Again, never met her face to face or hung out with her for a day, but I've got a strong gut feeling she's the same way as she seems so far).

This girl blows my mind. Literally. Like. Esploding brain matter. Everywhere. lol...

 

And currently, there's nothing more I'd like to do than hold her in my arms under a star-lit night sky... And sure, I've had feelings like that, but they were generated from somewhere a little under the waist, with a sincere mix of heartfelt feeling in it... But this is purely wanting to sit with her and hold her... It confuses me.

 

She just got out of a relationship (third time they've tried dating) and personally I can't see what she saw in the guy (smoker, drinker... crossfaded quite often...) and while I don't know any serious details... Doesn't exactly sound like prince charming and doesn't seem like he'd treat her well (In all honesty sounds like my mom's ex of 6 years and my moms ex husband of a year - both abusive, and both drunks, one also a heavy drug user)... So I'm scared to make a move aside from general caring cause I don't want to scare her

 

And I have talked to her about military and she thinks it is stupid, but accepts it.

 

Besides, I'm Thomas J. Cox, I am invincible I always return home, no matter what lol. If only that were true for all our men...

Anyway... that's my long feelings post...