Insecurities that are baseless

[agualibre777]

Maybe I just need to see a therapist but I wonder if anyone has some feedback. I'm in a relationship for three months and it is pretty serious. We were on vacation with each other. He is interviewing to for teaching/research positions at Universities throughout the world and he has said he would like me to come with him, if at the end of the next six months we are still going strong... we may do an LDR thing for a while and move together.

 

Thing is some anxieties have arisen. Senseless worries. Like he calls me fifteen minutes later than he says he would and I think maybe he is hooking up with someone. Or I couldn't get into the hotel room and I imagine he is sleeping with the maid. I mean, they aren't thoughts I BELIEVE or anything, they are just painful thoughts and fears that come up. Things I am afraid could happen in the future. Things I've heard happened to other people and I'm afraid they will happen to me. It's awful. I haven't snooped or anything, though I admit, I look at his facebook profile at any new friends he adds to see who they are. I don't know what my problem is. I definitely don't want to move with him anywhere if I am feeling like this because I know it would only make my worries worse because I would feel more vulnerable.

 

He never does anything to make me afraid or worried and shows he cares all the time. We are very intimate emotionally. I just am afraid... and I don't know how to deal with these fears. Anyone have experience with this?

 

I am wondering what sort of things I can do to lessen this anxiety and nip it in the bud before it becomes a real unhealthy thing. At this point I have it in check, but in the past with my first love I became very very jealous and insecure. But that guy made me feel insecure because he was always flirting and wanted an open relationship and wasn't really into me...

[waltwhit]

Well, I think this may be difficult, but really, if you love him, it is the only way....

 

You HAVE to trust him until proven otherwise. I don't care if it's LD or not. You MUST trust him. PERIOD. You cannot have these thoughts, you cannot have any jealous thoughts, because, ultimately, it WILL drive him away. You have to completely, and for no reason at all (other than love) trust him. If he cheats on you, and stomps on your heart, then so be it. At least you loved completely and fully in the time you had. You could not be faulted for it. What you COULD be faulted for would be jealousy, and doubt, if, in fact you had those feelings and they drove the two of you away....because, believe me, they will.

 

There is a certain freedom in trusting someone, you know....both for you and for him. You will be free of all these troubling, horrible thoughts....let me tell you, there will be many times that he is 15 minutes, or more, late in calling you if you have a LD relationship. Hell, this is even standard in a relationship where two people are LIVING together. Find freedom in trust for him. Just know that he thinks of you and you alone. And, by the way, it is completely natural for a guy to flirt with other girls, ESPECIALLY when he is in a LD relationship. this does NOT mean that he is interested or even at all vulnerable to cheating on you. It just means he likes the attention -- just like you do . So, if you insist upon checking on his Facebook, which I suggest you just leave love messages on, instead of reading his every wall post and cyber-stalking him , keep this in mind.

 

And, as a note, go see the film "Doubt." It will show you what can happen, both to the person not being trusted and the person not trusting, when someone let's their imagination wander....

 

 

I hope this is helpful, and all the best in the world...

[uhohlala]

I think you first need to figure out if you've experienced jealous anxiety in past relationships. If so, you probably need to figure out what it is within you that is seeding baseless fears.

 

But you also need to consider the possibility that, as great as this guy seems to be, there is something about your interaction with him that has you worried. Frankly, 3 months is a rather short amount of time to be together before making plans for a shared future -- not ridiculous, but a bit short, especially among highly educated academics (which it sounds like your SO is).

 

I'm not a jealous sort, generally. If my SO is showing devotion and seems to be content in the relationship, I don't tend to be suspicious of friendships he maintains with other women -- even ex-girlfriends (within reason!). I don't panic if he's late calling, or fails to reply to a text. But a recent relationship I was in fostered suspicions and doubts in me, because as great as our daily interaction was, and as sweet and superficially nice as this ex was, deep down I knew he was not wholly committed to our relationship, and that he was capable of deception. In the end we broke up before he got around to cheating on me, but I wouldn't have put it past him. He's a nice enough guy to have as a casual friend, means well, etc. -- i.e., there were no outward, glaring warning signs that I could easily identify and conclude that I needed to be careful with him. But he was also emotionally immature and perhaps even a bit stunted (i.e. he might never be capable of real, deep emotional intimacy in a relationship -- hope not for his sake, but it's definitely possible). Anyway, without the tangible indicators that caution was necessary, I didn't consciously recognize that I was on shaky ground with that guy. But deep down I knew ... and I became increasingly suspicious of his interactions with other women.

 

I really disliked that feeling. It's so unlike me, generally. I'm a pretty observant, savvy person in general, and the minute I started feeling uneasy I should have had enough faith in my gut instincts to know that something was truly wrong. Unfortunately I didn't trust my gut, but I can at least share that experience with you, to tell you that one way or another, irrational jealousy is not normal or good. Either something within you is driving you to unwarranted suspicions ... or your relationship isn't as great as you'd like to believe.

 

Either way, good luck. It's not an easy position to be in. I hope you'll allow yourself the time and space to figure things out and face the truth, whatever it might be. Ignoring the feeling and hoping it'll go away on it's own would almost certainly be a mistake.

[agualibre777]

thank you both for your replies. he is a foreigner and has friends with arranged marriages and such, so part of us being o.k. with talking so seriously is this cultural stuff. but yes, this is part of the anxiety for me... knowing that if i left i wouldn't have all the support and would be more emotionally dependent on the relationship unless i quickly developed friendships wherever we go. which i would focus on doing if that is the case. needless to say we haven't made any decisions, it is more situational because he is graduating and is interviewing but we are going strong.

 

for me, i know that it has absolutely nothing to do with him. i am jealous in all relationships and have been seriously dissappointed by past relationships. i don't want to be fearful and jealous. i don't know what to do to stop that feeling from arising in me.