I think I've figured it out!

[ziggie31]

My boyfriend and I have been getting along poorly recently, our relationship is falling to pieces, etc. All this time I've been wondering what I'm doing wrong and why this is happening, but I think an epiphany's finally hit me.

 

It's all about power. In the beginning of the relationship, I had him more or less wrapped around my little finger. He was incredibly needy and affectionate, I wanted my space. As such, I found myself questioning the relationship and trying to pull back, and he responded by depending on me even harder.

 

Somehow, somewhere in the middle of all this, our roles switched completely. He gained confidence and I lost it. After going through some rough times, I really let my emotions get the better of me and I let him see me at my weakest, crying all the time, waiting all day for him to call, and so on.

 

I think EVERYONE wants power on a subconscious level at the very least. It's just instincts. Being on top means not having to worry about being picked off by someone better.

 

So when I was "on top", so to speak, I knew I had a huge amount of control over and influence on my man, and I knew I could get away with stepping back and distancing myself because I was confident that he would follow me no matter what. And now that he's in control, he probably feels the same. He knows I absolutely adore him and depend on him, and so he feels comfortable with pulling away and living his own life, knowing that I'll wait for him.

 

So, of course, I need to up my own confidence, live my own life, and show him that I don't need him. Maybe get him a little worried that his power's being questioned, just enough to bring him back. Just like I took him for granted in the beginning of our relationship, he probably feels the same about me now.

 

I plan on living for only myself this week and seeing how it goes I won't worry about what he's doing and trailing around after the plans he's made, I'll just make my own. I'm going to Buffalo for a couple days for my grandfather's funeral, so that'll help me to break away for a bit, and I'm making plans to see a good friend for dinner on the weekend, WITHOUT the bf. I just need to live my own life without being dependent on him - the same advice I've heard time and time again, but now that it's put into context, I finally understand WHY.

 

I really hope this is some kind of breakthrough. The stress of fighting has really been bringing me down, and I've been so worried about our relationship's downward spiral. I could really use some positives right about now.

 

Also, a question, to keep this from being just a rant - how can I make sure that our relationship doesn't become just one big power struggle? I know we need to find a happy medium where we both feel like we're on equal footing, but some things are easier said than done. We've gone to both extremes, now how can we make sure things level out and stop seesawing back and forth?

[CAgirl]

Compromise? Try to see things from each other's point of view?

[kaoticbaby]

or just talk to him about it instead of playing these games

[ziggie31]

or just talk to him about it instead of playing these games

 

Trust me, I've tried talking...I'm not trying to play games, I'm trying to fix myself, because right now I'm a broken person who completely depends on him and has no confidence of my own, and understanding why my over-dependence is driving him away is the first step to figuring out how to solve this mess. I don't think it's a game, it's a realization of what's been wrong all along. If I were trying to play games I'd be doing backhanded things to get "even" with him or to make him jealous, etc...but this is just doing normal things to help myself gain confidence and independence.

[NewPhillyGuy]

As someone who has been on both sides of the fence, like you, these games are no good and will eventually destroy the relationship. You need to communicate with him. If you can't trust each other with your feelings, then, what's the point? Something for you to think about...

[ziggie31]

Again...don't see how this is a "game". People need to be on equal footing in a relationship. If one person is too dependent on the other, as we are right now, it's disastrous. I really don't understand how trying to FIX my dependency on him and make our relationship HEALTHY and NORMAL is a "game".

 

I'd consider it playing games if I were to, say, flirt with other guys to make him jealous, intentionally ignore him so that he knows how it feels to be alone, try to "get even" with him every time he made me upset, etc. Things like that are petty, selfish, and destructive. Negative actions can only have negative results.

 

But I'm trying to improve my self-confidence, become independent, and bring our relationship back to a healthy state, because right now it's ugly. I don't see how trying to take steps to not only improve myself as a person but also to strengthen our bond and help our relationship is comparable to leading him on in some sort of stupid cat-and-mouse game.

 

I'm NOT out to make him feel bad in any way, I posted this because I finally realized what I think is the source of our relationship problems, and WHY I need to fix these in order to take the stress, animosity, and negativity out of our relationship! Sheesh...

 

edit: And yes I know we need to talk, we're already very open with each other and I encourage as much communication as possible. Of course I'd be more than happy to talk to him about this, in fact I probably will, but I don't see the NEED to do so when it stems from my own internal issues (too dependent and needy) that only I can fix.