Is my marriage a mistake or am i just freaking out for nothing?

[sfcitygirl77]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and just searched for advice on having doubts about getting married and I found enotalone. I need advice. I have been married for 3 months and I am freaking out that maybe it was a mistake. Here is some background: my husband was my first serious boyfriend and the first/only person I have slept with. I am now 31 and he is 34. We dated 3 yrs before getting engaged and were engaged for 1.5 yrs so May will be 5 yrs total together. We got married late Sept. I started to have some second thoughts about 2 months before but chalked it up to cold feet...just sort of starting thinking "omg i am getting married, how do i know he is the one..etc" Then the night before my wedding i ended up in the ER b/c I was violently puking all night. I ended never sleeping the night before my wedding. Part of me questioned whether it was nerves but I didnt want to believe it. Now it has been 3 months and I still have thoughts that maybe it was a mistake. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. We don't fight, we like to do the same things and he is an amazing man. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from and i just want them to go away. I try to think about what i would change or what i would change about him and really can't come up with anything. I started to think maybe it is b/c i didn't have those life experiences w. other partners and I have no one to compare him to in order to realize even more how great he is. But i keep worrying myself to death that i am still having these thoughts 3 months later and i give myself anxiety attacks and feel like i am going to throw up. Last night I told him my thoughts (haven't told anyone else yet) and he was so understanding. He said he can't imagine his life w/o me but also doesn't want me to be unhappy. He understands that i dont have past experiences like he does and that it is natural to wonder what life would be like should I have made different choices. I feel so bad burdening him with this and it must be hard for him to hear this but he said he is glad that I told him. I am thinking maybe I should try seeing a therapist. The other thing is I am from the east coast and have lived in Cali for 5 yrs now (we started dated 3 months after i arrived in Cali) We talk about moving back east this yr, we also talk about getting pregnant at end of yr and work is awful (as I am sure most people's jobs are these days) so it is just that I am overwhelmed about everything , all these major life changes and i am pinning it on the most recent thing to happen...ie my marriage?? Part of wishes we took a break before getting engaged but no point in dwelling on that. I sincerely believe i would just regret it later. I never ever have thoughts about other men. I have never once met a guy since we have been dating and imagined myseld with that guy. I don't know what it is and how to fix it. It makes me so sad to even think that things won't work out between us. I don't know what more i could want. Thoughts?

[DN]

If he filed for divorce and walked out of your life forever - how would that make you feel?. Sad but relieved or sad and distraught?

[alli]

Seeing a therapist would be a good idea. I couldn't tell you where your feelings are coming from. Maybe you have a fear of making such a big commitment? You're 31, it's not like you're 18 & never had a chance to date around before him. Maybe you have a bit of "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.

[Kalika]

I could tell you that being with a bunch of guys that don't care a rat's patootie about you really won't make you feel any better, and probably deep down you know that, but something is panicking you completely.

 

Maybe you do need a break - a week away or something like that, just to get things sorted through for yourself, find out if you miss him.

 

Please don't introduce children until you're well on your way to healing this problem.

[sfcitygirl77]

pretty sure sad and devasted. the idea of us not working out is so devastating to me and i don't even know what i would want in a different relationship or a different guy b/c as far as I can see there really isn't anything wrong.

[Ball Four]

The way you describe him and the way he took the news makes him out to be a pretty amazing guy.

 

I think you probably have an anxiety disorder. Talk it out with a therapist and try some diet changes and increased exercise. I hear this works better than talking to a therapist and popping the newest pill.

[redrose85]

^

 

I completely second this post. I have the same problems and just keeping myself in check really helps.

[dreamwarrior]

Sorry your having a hard time.

 

Talk to your doctor/therapist about your feelings.

 

Sounds like you have a great guy....hope things work out for you.

 

My best wishes.

[Independant]

It sounds to me like you have a very understanding husband. I would suggest that over the next couple of weeks, everytime you get the feeling that you may have made a mistake, you concentrate on how fortunate you are to have such an understanding spouse. Marriage is a big step and usually comes with major life changes. You are no longer alone, but rather, have someone else to think about. If you are having anxiety attacks about your marriage, children will just add to that anxiety.

 

Remind yourself, constantly, that you made the right decision and enjoy your life together.

[sfcitygirl77]

He is understanding and i am more myself with him than I am with anyone including my family. He is always there to take care of me when i am sick..he tells me he loves me more times than i can count every day. I want to try to just take one day at a time but i have always been someone who not only over-analyzes things but i think i am never 100% happy in my life even though I feel like i should be. maybe i am someone who has mild case of depressive behavior but never addressed it. I mean, even tonight i had told him how i haven't been able to eat b/c i feel so naseous after having that conversation with him and he told me i need to eat to keep my energy up so he made me soup. I even told him I posted to this site and have been reading him them responses. He wants me to find help just as much as i do and i know he will wait for as long as i need.

[chigal28]

Marriage can be a scary thing...I have my ups and downs, too, where I sometimes feel it's the most amazing thing ever, and then sometimes I just feel trapped for no reason. I'm an overanalyzer, just like you, and when something isn't JUST RIGHT, I start freaking out, whether it's a situation at work, things with my husband, a relationship with a friend, whatever. The thing is, things will never be perfect--but to me, the best part of marriage is having a partner, a best friend, someone to enjoy the littlest and biggest things in life with, and I just try to keep my mind on that.

 

Committing fully to anything can be very scary, and I totally get that. Like you, I spent the first few months of my marriage (not the WHOLE time, just off and on) wondering what I had gotten myself into, whether I could handle it, whether I was cut out to be a wife, etc. etc. Like your husband, mine is VERY understanding and supportive, and I can feel that after 7 months now, I'm working through it and starting to relax into the relationship.

[chigal28]

I should add that I also talked to a therapist twice a month for a year and a half before he and I got engaged--and that's a HUGE part of what got me to the point where we could even get engaged. It can be a bit expensive depending on what insurance covers, but it is so worth it.

[DN]

I think that both people in a relationship deserve to love and to be loved and that it is a great shame when one partner can only love for they are cheated out of being loved. If they remain in the relationship they may go through their entire life without ever knowing how it feels to be the object of someone's love.

 

But because they love their partner they stay - hoping against hope that somehow, sometime, their partner will love them - but every day that doesn't happen is another day they give but don't receive.

 

So the fact that they might be good, honest and faithful people who deserve and could have had a balanced relationship with someone else is beside the point - they are stuck loving but unloved and the chances they might of had of being loved slip away as they waste their life. The person who married them despite not loving them has done them real harm and they should be the object of everyone's sympathy and pity for they are truly deprived of what they deserve.

[Circe]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. We don't fight, we like to do the same things and he is an amazing man. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from and i just want them to go away. I try to think about what i would change or what i would change about him and really can't come up with anything. I started to think maybe it is b/c i didn't have those life experiences w. other partners and I have no one to compare him to in order to realize even more how great he is.

 

Maybe that is what it is for you hon.. that you can't compare to others? My guy and I were each other's first - sexually - but we both had relationships before each other.

 

His were short lived and terrible. Mine were longer lived and also terrible. So in that sense - I can compare this relationship with others and when I do that, it's definitely a no-brainer.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but in my experience there are so many more crap guys out there than good ones (and this could be true for women too). When you have a good one you really do hold treasure in your hands..

 

If you are an anxious, over-analyser like me though, you will analyse everyting to death just because you need to worry about something - and so if the relationship isn't giving you anything concrete to worry about - you can manufacture a general fear about nothing in particular... just a general "what if he's not right" even though you can't site reasons and know you love him. And it's that quality that has to be watched.

[sfcitygirl77]

Thanks Indigo...and thanks Chigal. You made me feel a lot better. I do think it is something within myself I need to deal with and has nothing to do with him. I think a therapist will help. Maybe it isn't the marriage at all but other stressful things going on in my life right now. I am going through the process of changing my name and maybe it is just too much at once between that and uncertainty of my job and the thought of getting pregnant (which i am of course not even considering until this gets resolved), moving back east from west coast, missing my family etc.

 

DN- I do want to clarify that this is not a case of me questioning whether I love him. I love him with all my heart. He is my best friend. I tell him everything. He is the first person I want to tell things to. He is the first person I want to comfort me when I am sick. He is the most important person to me. He knows me better than anyone. It could just be that I went from never having a boyfriend to being married and that is a big step. I am not young, we met when I was 26 but until that point I couldn't stand going on a 3rd date with anyone. I always found something wrong w/ every guy I tried going out with. Until him....I never wanted to be apart from him. And I was waiting ot have sex until I was in love and I didnt think i would end up marrying the first person I had sex with but it just happened. Do I wish I had more experiences before getting married, yes..I never have loved and lost and there is something to be said for that experience but I wasn't going to not marry the man I loved and wanted to be with all the time. We took things slow..didn't sleep together for the first 5 months of dating. Didn't get engaged until 3yrs of dating and only moved in together at that point. So we ended up living together for 1 yr before getting married. I never ever questioned our relationship or being together forever until right before the wedding. So I dont think it is him but rather this serious commitment which is so much bigger than anything I have ever experienced. And it feels like "whoa, my whole life is sort of mapped out at this point". When you are single your life can take you in so many directions. Now it seems planned...kids, house, soccer practice etc. And I want those things...i adore children and i want to have his children. I think it is just overwhelming.

[DN]

Even though it may look as if your life is mapped out - it isn't a map that you have to follow. It isn't even a map that you will be able to follow even if you wanted to.

 

“The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”

 

Life will give you unsought and unexpected highs and lows in sufficient number to keep you from being bored - if you have the right attitude. How much better to meet those times with someone who loves and supports you than alone.

[sfcitygirl77]

Thanks DN..you make some very good points.

[Independant]

Where can I find a man like that?

[JamesBB]

Hi, I just read this thread and was wondering how things have gone for you since you began this? Have things worked out? Have you guys parted company?

[patterned]

With the help of others and your own introspection you seem to of have already come to this conclusion, but it seems that this is about you. From what I can tell your feelings are normal, and this new level of commitment is causing some discomfort. Perhaps I'm wrong but I get the sense of claustrophobia . Remember that in your marriage you still get to be you, nothing has really changed. It's just that you get to also develop a deep intimate connection with someone who also gets to know you flaws and all.

 

For most people it is that intimacy part that is the deep challenge. It's very scary to be known and when we get close to someone all kinds of crazy subconsciously motivated things come up. This is a normal challenge of life that we really can only experience through close intimate relationships. The rewards are tremendous, but when we don't understand what's going on it can be scary. It's normal and by your actions you appear to be handling it well.

[jen20122]

Hi Citygirl,

 

I can really relate to what you are saying, i am married 2 years and going through similar situation, its extremely hard mentally as you feel like ur fighting with your mind, theres the reality and then there is your thoughts. Well this is how i feel, I too have issues with marriage but maybe different to yours. My parents are broken up and all my family relationships are seperated or have not worked out. I never realised i feared marriage until after we got married, i guess the stress of the wedding preoccupied me mind.

 

My mother visited one weekend after we married and made a comment about my husband not supporting me (total bull****) but it send my mind into anxiety, that and other serious stress at the time led to me questioning my relationship more then i ever had, at the start when i first met my husband i wasnt sure how i really felt, part of me felt scared as he was mr.perfect to me and like a dream i wondered is this too good to be true but i went with the flow. the flow ended up in marriage as we clicked so well, he isnt perfect but is close, he is supportive and loving and caring the most amazing man and person i have ever met and that makes it all so much harder for me when i have these thoughts.

 

I sometimes feel that is the reason i have them as i cant accept such a good person in my life but like you i couldnt see myself with another man.

 

I think it is alot got to do with anxiety try to realise that and dont let it wear you out like i have. I am at the point where I am so sick of it I know that is has to stop so its good to get to that point i feel as you have had enough.

 

I wish you the best, i tried to request u as a friend but i am also new here and have no idea how lol.x

[Eaudesource]

If he filed for divorce and walked out of your life forever - how would that make you feel?. Sad but relieved or sad and distraught?

 

This is an excellent question to ask yourself and it will help you understand how you feel about him as a whole.