Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have been thinking back over all th significant relationships I've had. When I was dumped it seems that eventually the dumper came back to me. When I dumped, it seems that eventually I came back to the dumpee. We didn't necessarily get back together, but it was on the edge of that, in each case.

 

My ex-wife dumped me when we were dating (way back in the 70's! it was an LD relationship, and I was in grad school finishing my PhD thesis; it was mid November. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that at such a critical moment. She clearly was playing with another guy. But by mid January she wrote me a sad letter. We reconnected, got married and had two beautiful kids, and 18 years later she dumped me again. This time I was devastated. She ran off with a scumbag from a grease pit somewhere and married him...and lo and behold... a few years later she appeared at my front door late one evening with a beaming "invite me in, wine me and fluck me" smile and said she just had some papers to drop off...I took the papers and slammed the door in her face. She's still with the scumbag living in the grease pit.

 

My subsequent ex and I were together for a few years and she summarily dumped me and married an old flame.. lots of issues here.. But I was devastated again. Yet, within a year we were talking and friends. Now her husband is terminally ill and she has taken me aside and confided that she still loves me and will be available when he dies!

Geesh...

 

I think back to all the dumpers and they all eventually came back to some degree.

 

And the ones I dumped I have returned to as well.

 

I have just been dumped yet again. She has run off with her old flame. She is a flucking golddigger and is the most self absorbed person I ever knew. I assume at some future date, don't know when, I'll get a call..and she'll get hung up on.

 

And that is that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah the guys that broke up with me always came back sooner or later. But it wasn't to be in a relationship, just to hook up or something along that sort.

 

But they were all insignifgant relationships.

 

The one I'm in now is the one that only matters.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's never happened to me either. I never went back to the exes I've dumped.. and the one that dumped me.. well, we haven't talked since we broke up 3 days after Christmas (so that's about a week). I'm still wondering if we are gonna be talking or seeing each other again since I think it will be hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't imagine my current ex coming back... he is apparently angry at me at the moment, however; he's the one that treated me like rubbish... he has a victim mentality and thinks the world owes him rather than accepting the good that comes into his life its all about how much he doesn't deserve it and then sabotaged the relationship... good riddance I say as well!

 

I'd laugh at him if he came back!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Each situation is so different it's impossible to generalize. I'm still in contact with the 3 women that I've had the closest relationships. I was with my college girlfriend from 1980 to 1987 and was stupid enough to let her get away. She is married and in France, I am divorced and live in the US, but we still email, mostly about our mothers getting old and infirm. I dumped a really great girl because I wasn't over my ex wife when I met her, but now we are like brother and sister, and finally and worst for me I'm still hung up on my ex-wife after 13 years and we swap news a few times a year. I write carefully so as not to include any soppy phrases that reveal that I still love her as she's been in a stable relationship for 10 years and I don't want to weird her out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 9 years later...

I just went through a break up. I got dumped. She was perfect. Reminded me of one other girl I dated that I’ll always remember. That one took a week break, gave me a chance, but then broke up with me again. For a while I thought I fixed my problem. I was in the best shape of my life, bought new clothes, went out with friends, and met new girls, dated etc.

Obviously that wasn’t the issue. I met this most recent one, and I got dumped. She said she doesn’t do ultimatums and thanked me for showing her she could have a good relationship and left. I didn’t fight it. I looked back 6 years and thought of every reason the first memorable girl left and realized there was a pattern.

I’m not betting in my ex to come back. I’m betting that the next girl, whether it be her or someone like her, will get the best relationship and will never look back.

I went to a club to meet some friends tonight and I had sweat pants and a t shirt on. Everyone was wearing sport jackets, jewelry, swiss watches, pulled up in Bentleys, and that’s where I was striving to get to for 20 years. I had everything but the Bentley. All I could think about was dancing with my ex at the wedding I would’ve been at tonight, like the couples were doing at the club, and I’m not even a dancer. I made sacrifices so I could spend Sunday’s off because that’s what she wanted (She has no idea I started that that after we broke up) All that I saw was everything that cost me to lose her. The watches jackets and cars.

I’ve dated plenty of girls. Only two stick out and none of those wanted the Bentleys. They just wanted me.

The Bentleys are just an example. It could be kids it could be a poodle. The point is, I didn’t know what I wanted because I never thought I’d get it anyway. If you want to make someone like your ex happy, that means that you need to realize what you really want. I’m heart broken twice this time because it was her, and the girl from 6 years ago. The ones in the middle were just there to fill a void.

That’s why I don’t think she’ll come back. I think I’ll find a third one and we’ll be happy in our sweatpants together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If all your exes come back, it’s not nature. It’s far from a normal occurrence and it might make you feel better so if that’s the case enjoy the annomoly. Except it makes much more scientific sense to realize it’s your attachment styles and who you’re attracting. If you’re dating a bunch of broken women with self esteem or emotional issues yeah they probably will hop back to you. The woman who wanted you back on her husbands death bed... sounds like she can’t be single... your most recent ex hopping from man to man, these aren’t scientific phenomenons they’re red flags. And if every single ex you’ve ever had comes back you have some changes to make.

 

I’ve had multiple men ghost me after long periods of time. Nothing more than the fact that I was attracted to emotionally distant, avoidant men.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If all your exes come back, it’s not nature. It’s far from a normal occurrence and it might make you feel better so if that’s the case enjoy the annomoly. Except it makes much more scientific sense to realize it’s your attachment styles and who you’re attracting. If you’re dating a bunch of broken women with self esteem or emotional issues yeah they probably will hop back to you. The woman who wanted you back on her husbands death bed... sounds like she can’t be single... your most recent ex hopping from man to man, these aren’t scientific phenomenons they’re red flags. And if every single ex you’ve ever had comes back you have some changes to make.

 

I’ve had multiple men ghost me after long periods of time. Nothing more than the fact that I was attracted to emotionally distant, avoidant men.

Actually it seems the ex NOT coming back is the anomaly now. Figureitout23 you know my story so you know like you mine left and has never given any indication she wants back( not even her ignoring the divorce makes me believe otherwise anymore)

But where I'm living and in general it seems I'm the only person who's ex has never tried or came back at all. Like......nothing. ghosted. And yeah from my perspective and observation that is the rare situation

This again has vexed me so much because everyone else I know who has gone through a break up in the last 5 or more years has either reconciled or at least tried. Including a number of people who have been cheated on. It's hard to not compare situations to others in these cases and wonder(and for a long time hope) when they will come back as the pattern seems to be they do in some way. It makes it more tortuous and hard to move on waiting for 'your turn' whether thsts something you'd welcome or not. Imagine if it is but then it it doesn't while all around you it seems youre the only one it isn't happening to. Another blow to a already fragile ego.

It's so easy to want that if only to give your broken ego a boost to know they realized their mistake and you were worth something, anything to this person who destroyed you. Not overly healthy ive discovered but such it human nature it seems to want that.

I've accepted she won't be back and she won't be one even years later to fess up if she does.......but still somewhere I hope she does. Pretty sure it's just to be able to tell her to off but it's be nice to think i actually ment some thing to her instead of the reality of I probably didn't

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh and figureitout23 I just realized your first lone was probably in reference to all of one individuals exes coming back? If so yeah that's a odd one of agree perhaps they mean they aren't ghosted or ghost ? I can't imagine as well hooking back up or reconciling fully with every single ex.

I guess the original poster like a great deal of us is only referencing that one or maybe two exes thst really made the big impact on you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh and figureitout23 I just realized your first lone was probably in reference to all of one individuals exes coming back? If so yeah that's a odd one of agree perhaps they mean they aren't ghosted or ghost ? I can't imagine as well hooking back up or reconciling fully with every single ex.

I guess the original poster like a great deal of us is only referencing that one or maybe two exes thst really made the big impact on you.

 

Right his post was about a specific ex, hes in the bargaining stage and wants to believe she will come back. Its unfortunately false hope because not EVERY ex comes back, and the ones that do? Its rarely the same. Both of the dudes who ghosted me came back, needless to say I'm not with either one of them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Actually it seems the ex NOT coming back is the anomaly now. Figureitout23 you know my story so you know like you mine left and has never given any indication she wants back( not even her ignoring the divorce makes me believe otherwise anymore)

But where I'm living and in general it seems I'm the only person who's ex has never tried or came back at all. Like......nothing. ghosted. And yeah from my perspective and observation that is the rare situation

This again has vexed me so much because everyone else I know who has gone through a break up in the last 5 or more years has either reconciled or at least tried. Including a number of people who have been cheated on. It's hard to not compare situations to others in these cases and wonder(and for a long time hope) when they will come back as the pattern seems to be they do in some way. It makes it more tortuous and hard to move on waiting for 'your turn' whether thsts something you'd welcome or not. Imagine if it is but then it it doesn't while all around you it seems youre the only one it isn't happening to. Another blow to a already fragile ego.

It's so easy to want that if only to give your broken ego a boost to know they realized their mistake and you were worth something, anything to this person who destroyed you. Not overly healthy ive discovered but such it human nature it seems to want that.

I've accepted she won't be back and she won't be one even years later to fess up if she does.......but still somewhere I hope she does. Pretty sure it's just to be able to tell her to off but it's be nice to think i actually ment some thing to her instead of the reality of I probably didn't

 

Its personalizing and tunnel vision dag.

 

You WANT/WANTED her to reconcile with you so you saw reconciliation everywhere.

 

The amount of happy married couple I saw around me when I was going through my divorce, Lord! they were EVERYWHERE.

 

But the truth is, it was my perception. not everyone reconciles, not every ex comes back. That would literally be statistically impossible.

 

Yes, its ego and probably a deep seeded insecurity within you. For whatever reason, you feel she never loved you so you not only desire her to prove she did by means of coming back, at this point you probably need it.

 

I have abandonment issues, so you would think I would have avoided avoident men by any means necessary but those are actually the men I was most attracted to! According to my therapist, it was a deep need all the way from my childhood to prove myself by earning their love.

 

Im not quoting her exactly, its much more complex and I'm doing a terrible job explaining, but I've already told you, its my humble opinion you KNEW she was like this because of the way her last relationship ended with her other baby daddy. Your excuse now is well shes friends with him why wont she be friends with me, she tried, remember, the birthday party? But that wasnt good enough, which of course it wasn't, that wasn't her proving she cared.

 

Dag, I think you would have a huge breakthrough if you realized SOOOOOO many of your actions and feelings post breakup have little to do with her and so much to do with your own baggage that has been there for years.

 

Have you considered counseling?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never wanted to imply that every couple gets back together I just said everyone around me It SEEMS more often than not people get back together. I do know people who don't its just the majority I know do which was very fustrating and hard for me to acceot the end of my marriage and why my ex can be friends with her ex. Like I said pride and ego. I recognize that in myself . Still struggle with it but thankfully not as much.

It's just my opinion on what might drive people and using my personal experience as reference and example. I know im messed up about it but I'm working on it. I'm just throwing my two cents into the conversation like yourself.

I dont have old life hang ups figureitout23. Except pride and ego and sentimentality . I know she was a flawed person and had potential to bail and . But pride and ego and giving her the benifit of the doubt did not prepare me for her actually doing it.

I thought she'd be a better person then shes turned out to be because of love and pride/ego. I think a lot of us in this situation are similar and its why it's hard to let go or accept their behaviour towards us and why like the actual reason for this thread is why we want to put some time limit on how long these people will be 'acting like this' so our egos will be satisfied and for a long time we want to think its all done big mistake and not who these people are

Still working on it but I am. I just come here and rant because it makes me feel better. Can't afford councilling and for me i need to get this stuff out.

Figureitout23 everytime you respond to me it makes me feel better and your points are valid. The bluntness is whst I need You brought up her getting along with her ex which confuse and bugged me but now i dont give it a second thought. I vented, got some opinions moved on. Small victories

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...