Should I feel guilty despite the way I've been treated?

[Angel_325]

A now ex-friend of mine from Japan bought a DVD for me that I asked her to buy if she had a chance. On one of her trips to the store she bought it for me. I was supposed to pick it up within a couple of weeks after she shipped it back to her house with all her stuff, but her mom ended up leaving to help her sister set up her apartment in a different state. She did not come back until over 4 months later. I waited for the DVD without saying anything.

 

When she came back she asked me to pay the current exchange rate for the DVD plus give her a couple of thigs that I owned as a favor for getting me the DVD. I told her that it was unfair for her to ask me to pay the current exchange rate since she only paid $52 for the DVD when she purchased it, but wanted me to pay $64 for it, in addition to giving her the stuff she wanted. I felt I was being taken advantage off so I said I would give her the exchage rate she paid + shipping costs (which she wasn't going to charge me because I was giving her the free stuff), but I would not give her the stuff she wanted because I was already paying an extra $12 for the DVD because of the lower exchange rate plus shippping in addition to that. She emailed back and said she would take payment in yen if it were more fair but wanted me to pay an extra $3 in addition to the shipping fee for "appreciation" of her time since I wasn't giving her her stuff. This got childish and purley out of principle, I said no. I like fairness and she was not being fair in my opinion.

 

finally, I offered to pay $68, which is still more than she paid, which included shipping costs. The $68 was the current exchange rate (works in her favor) + $6 shipping. My mom was in the neighborhood and stopped by to get the DVD and the girls mother said she would not accept it. She only wanted $73 or the yen amount PLUS $9 shipping, which includes the $3 appreciation fee. She even hung up on my mother when my mom was telling her she could only pay $68 because we had done favors for her in the past and she should not be one sided. The woman hung up. I know it is childish and I don't feel good about this, but I also like fairness and I feel like she is doing only what is best for her. She keeps talking to me about the debt that I owe her and that I should pay the amount she wants and not negotiate. After all her demand and the way her mom treated my mom, I decided to let her keep the DVD. I feel bad that she got it for me and that I am not getting it, but I also feel like they spit in my face and I have too much self respect to allow that. They also made what could be considered a threat to my reputation after I stated my terms. Should I feel guilty?

 

Note: She emailed again and said she only wanted yen + $9 shipping an hour before my mom came to her house. Until then we had discussed either dollars or yen. Because we did not have the yen + $9 shipping or $73, she would not even talk to my mom. In the past she insisted on being paid the curent exchage rate and when we offered it + $6 she is refusing to take it unless her terms are met, which are yen + $9 shipping or $73 (exchange rate from a week ago).

 

*** I refused her terms and now is threatening to make me pay for my actions. I think she means legaly. I don't think she has a case though since the amount of money that would be repaid for the DVD was never discussed and I had to wait over 4 months to get it!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Yes, a bit (you should feel guilty, that is) - you lost a friend over $12? And were really petty as well. I mean, so was she, but you're the one posting here.

 

I felt I was being taken advantage off so I said I would give her the exchage rate she paid + shipping costs (which she wasn't going to charge me because I was giving her the free stuff), but I would not give her the stuff she wanted because I was already paying an extra $12 for the DVD because of the lower exchange rate plus shippping in addition to that. She emailed back and said she would take payment in yen if it were more fair but wanted me to pay an extra $3 in addition to the shipping fee for "appreciation" of her time since I wasn't giving her her stuff. This got childish and purley out of principle, I said no. I like fairness and she was not being fair in my opinion.

 

Yeah, not good. Plus, in her defence, maybe she didn't know what the exchange rate was when she bought it, and just checked what it was that day? It's ONLY $12, and she did you a favour.

 

Neither of you come out of it at all well.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Fighting over a few dollars.

 

Just pay for it, give her the money back, and move on.

[Angel_325]

Yes, a bit (you should feel guilty, that is) - you lost a friend over $12? And were really petty as well. I mean, so was she, but you're the one posting here.

 

 

 

Yeah, not good. Plus, in her defence, maybe she didn't know what the exchange rate was when she bought it, and just checked what it was that day? It's ONLY $12, and she did you a favour.

 

Neither of you come out of it at all well.

 

She always asked for favors when she did me a favor. She wanted 2 DVDs from me for getting me that one. I also did her a big favor by spending over 2 hours to wait in line to save her a good viewing spot for an event. She never said anything about that. She was always asking about favors in return for her favors. She believed she should get gifts for doing others favors. She also knew what the exchange rate was. Her excuse for wanting a higher exchange rate was that if she had exchanged her money at this time, she would get fewer dollars. I felt that she made me wait 4 months for the DVD when she said I could have it before and then wanted more money for it because the exchange was in her favor. Even now when the exchange rate is in her favor and I am offering to pay it, she is refusing because I'm not paying the extra $3 appreciation. She always wants appreciation but did not appreciate the things I've done for her.

[ww2]

You are being played. A friend would be happy to do you this favor with no payment, unless you offered something in the beginning.

However, if you had the opportunity to pick it up (which is not clear in your OP), and did not out of laziness, yes, you should feel guilty. Pay the difference for the DVD.

[Angel_325]

You are being played. A friend would be happy to do you this favor with no payment, unless you offered something in the beginning.

However, if you had the opportunity to pick it up (which is not clear in your OP), and did not out of laziness, yes, you should feel guilty. Pay the difference for the DVD.

 

She did not give me the opporunity to pick it up. She was away and made me wait 4 months. When she bought the DVD she made me believe I could have it sooner. If I had known I would have asked someone else. I have other friends. She was just coming back the soonest. The DVD was also supposed to be a gift which I was unable to gift due to her delaying pick up for over 4 months. I understand that she did not know she would be away, but I don't feel I should have to pay for her being a way by paying more and giving her stuff too.

[purpleduckie]

just pay or just get someone else to buy it for you. then keep her at arm's length from now on... no more favours on either side.

[browneyedgirl36]

Honestly, my opinion may not be a popular one, but...I think your friend is being extremely petty. I doubt she went significantly out of her way to get you the DVD, and if she had to, she should have told you it was too much trouble. In my opinion, you owe her the price she paid for the DVD, plus perhaps a few dollars for shipping. You don't owe her the current exchange price because she didn't PAY the current exchange price -- taking more than what you actually owe her isn't ethical on her part, and asking you to give her some of your things as well, in ADDITION to the money? It makes no sense. Where did she go to get this DVD, Siberia?

 

This reminds me of a customer I had once when I worked in retail. She purchased a sweater with a 15% off coupon, so she paid 15% less than the price on the pricetag. When she came to return it with her receipt, and I refunded her the amount she paid, she started going off on me that she wanted the FULL PRICE for the sweater. I calmly explained to her that it didn't make sense -- she had paid 15% less than the full price, and that I couldn't give her back MORE than she paid for the sweater. She kept arguing wtih me, and I finally flat out told her that if I gave her back more money than she was owed, it was a type of fraud. She finally got the message and took the amount she actually paid for the sweater. There was NO way I was going to budge on that.

 

I think it's too bad to ruin a friendship over a DVD, but I think your friend's demands are unreasonable. If you went to the store, five minutes from your house, and bought $15 worth of groceries for your mom, and she said she'd pay you back, you'd tell her she owed you $15, right? Not $25 PLUS a pair of shoes and a necklace. Sorry, but that's how I see it -- your friend is taking advantage. What she did for you couldn't possibly have been worth extra money PLUS your possessions. And, if it was so much trouble for her, she shouldn't have agreed to do it.

 

Ok, rant over. I just get irritated when people pull this stuff. None of my friends ever has, but I've had roommates do this sort of thing, and it really annoys me.

[alli]

You posted about this a while ago; it's still not resolved yet?

 

Your friend sounds very nitpicky. She's asking for $20 more than what she paid. Exactly how much was the shipping?

 

I would stick to your guns. $68 or no deal. $73 seems like a ton of money for a couple DVDs. She's just trying to get every little bit she thinks she's owed. I also wouldn't want to be her friend anymore. She is just being ridiculous.

[Daligal83]

It's called a favor for a reason. Since when do we pay our friends for favors? I do stuff for my friends all the time without expecting anything in return and vice versa.

 

I would stick to your guns on this one. And definitely don't ask this girls for favors anymore.

 

Just a random thought...is your friend Japanese? And you are not? I'm not familiar with Japanese culture at all, but each culture has their own customs. Maybe it is in her culture that this is how things are done, and that's why her and her family are taking it as an insult that you are not complying.

[catfeeder]

You use the word 'favor,' but the two of you don't do favors--only contracts, and the price is too high.

 

If you want the DVD, either pay her what she wants for the thing, or go buy it yourself.

 

It doesn't sound as though either of you will miss one another, but I could be wrong. Neither of you are likely to find anyone else willing to split molecules the way the pair of you seem to enjoy.

 

Good luck.