dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 My ex just called. I haven't talked to him in 18 days. The details are in my other post. He said "it's me, call me back, I would like to talk to you, or send me a text or email and let me know when would be a good time to talk." I don't know how or if I should respond. I am shaking and cannot stop crying. I don't know what to do. This just started 5 weeks ago and he only actually moved out on 12/15. Details are in my older posts. Long story short, we were together 4 years headed towards marriage. I am really in love with him and have been devastated since this happened. Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Oh, it actually said IF and when there's a good time to talk...to be specific. Link to comment
johnsf1980 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Sorry to hear, you aren't alone! Stay strong and don't call him back at the moment... you aren't in the frame of mind to be able to handle that contact right now. Link to comment
Fitchik Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 dstein... first DEEP BREATH! Do not pick that phone up or talk to him until you've got it together. And if that means 15 mins or 15 days DO NOT CONTACT HIM! Why you ask.. simple. When you're falling apart you are not thinking straight and conversation out of desperation is wasted energy. Please trust me on this... my ex and I were together 8.5 years...he left me little over a month ago, and because I held my emotions together.... we're now talking about getting back together. Link to comment
Loki71 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 ^^^^^ very true. I just made a post and after almost 3 months I thought I was ready to be friends and talk to my ex. But I just had to go NC all over again and like you I am sitting here tears running down my face as I type. If you want to heal and move on do not break the NC. You will just keep the pain going and going. Link to comment
Fitchik Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 One more thing... if he wants to talk to you now...he'll want to talk to again...and that needs to be when your head is on straight! TRUST ME ON THIS!!!! Hugs! Link to comment
Adge Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Actually. i just deleted what I was just about to say. One more thing... if he wants to talk to you now...he'll want to talk to again...and that needs to be when your head is on straight! What Fitchik says! Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I agree totally with Fitchik - don't contact him back in any way, shape or form until you feel together enough to do so without breaking down. It might help to envision the worst possible scenario - and IF and when you think you could handle that - then contact him. You are going through pure, unadulterated hell at the moment and need to look after yourself. (((HUGS))) Link to comment
DN Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Going against the grain here. Pull yourself together and call him soon. You will go nuts if you wait wondering what he wants and he will get the wrong message. Link to comment
mswilysvm Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 i haven't posted my deal yet but JUST as i was going to go in to NC, what did i get but a text today for a dumb reason. IF you are so shaken up, i agree with the previous posters and get yourself together first. because what good is it going to do you to fall apart while talking to him. i also agree that if he wants to talk, he'll try again. take a breather. take a half a day or a day, then see how you feel. NC is hard i know BUT YOU"RE HALF WAY TO 30 DAYS and it's OBVIOUSLY getting you somewhere. btw, pm me anytime because i have the four year then devistated thing going on to. =D>=D> cheering for you! but at the same time ](*,)](*,) banging my head against the wall for my stupid situation! -cj Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wow. There's a lot of information here. I know I'm not ready to call, but I feel like I should respond somehow, in a reasonable amount of time. I don't want to be punitive or ignore him, nor do I want to break down on the phone. There are some loose ends to be tied up though (financial, etc) so I am aware that I can't hold off forever...wow. I wasn't expecting the call OR the reaction! Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Going against the grain here. Pull yourself together and call him soon. You will go nuts if you wait wondering what he wants and he will get the wrong message. Curious what you would advise me to say...and should I send a text/email or actually pick up the phone? I wish he had been specific. There is unfinished business, so I imagine that is part of it. Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 i haven't posted my deal yet but JUST as i was going to go in to NC, what did i get but a text today for a dumb reason. IF you are so shaken up, i agree with the previous posters and get yourself together first. because what good is it going to do you to fall apart while talking to him. i also agree that if he wants to talk, he'll try again. take a breather. take a half a day or a day, then see how you feel. NC is hard i know BUT YOU"RE HALF WAY TO 30 DAYS and it's OBVIOUSLY getting you somewhere. btw, pm me anytime because i have the four year then devistated thing going on to. =D>=D> cheering for you! but at the same time ](*,)](*,) banging my head against the wall for my stupid situation! -cj I would love to hear your story. I can't figure out how to pm on here!!! Could you send a message at some point so I can respond that way. Thank you VERY much. Link to comment
DN Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I would call him and just ask him what he wanted to talk about. Keep your tone of voice neutral, your expectations low and be ready to exit the conversation graciously and with dignity if you feel it is in your best interests to do so. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 ^^ I agree. But call him once your emotions have calmed down and you feel you can talk to him without voice quivering or getting emotional... Link to comment
DN Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I would love to hear your story. I can't figure out how to pm on here!!! Could you send a message at some point so I can respond that way. Thank you VERY much. To send a private message click on a members name then on send private message Link to comment
CarrieB123 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wow. There's a lot of information here. I know I'm not ready to call, but I feel like I should respond somehow, in a reasonable amount of time. I don't want to be punitive or ignore him, nor do I want to break down on the phone. There are some loose ends to be tied up though (financial, etc) so I am aware that I can't hold off forever...wow. I wasn't expecting the call OR the reaction! I would be very careful at this point, the reason for his call might be in regards to your financial, etc. and it could be disappointing. So prepare for the worst, calm yourself down and when you're ready then call. Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 ^^^^^ very true. I just made a post and after almost 3 months I thought I was ready to be friends and talk to my ex. But I just had to go NC all over again and like you I am sitting here tears running down my face as I type. If you want to heal and move on do not break the NC. You will just keep the pain going and going. Thank you for sharing that. I'm trying to heal and have really done a great job if I do say so myself, but I am clearly not done nor over him...I still hope we can work this out at some point. It's amazing how the tears just come,as if it just happened! I had only been doing NC because he hadn't called and I had too much pride to contact him! However, there is something very empowering about it... Link to comment
dstein Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 I would be very careful at this point, the reason for his call might be in regards to your financial, etc. and it could be disappointing. So prepare for the worst, calm yourself down and when you're ready then call. You're definitely right about that-I doubt this is an "I want to get back together call" and I will most likely be largely disappointed. It's so hard, but I don't want to go to a dry well, you know? Link to comment
Elsewhere Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Better don't call. If you have business to finish - better text him, or e-mail - anything formal enough to hide your emotions and him himself (his voice on the phone will make you melt). Until youre healed keep it as formal (but warm) as possible. Link to comment
dstein Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Better don't call. If you have business to finish - better text him, or e-mail - anything formal enough to hide your emotions and him himself (his voice on the phone will make you melt). Until youre healed keep it as formal (but warm) as possible. Thank you to you and everyone else. I sent him a text a little while ago and stated simply, Is this regarding something specific? His response was, I want to tell you and the boys how sorry I am I didn't call over Christmas. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I think it was very hurtful. I'm sorry. I want to be able to talk to the boys face to face. He's feeling guilty. He should. He just returned from 2 1/2 weeks with his family and friends at home, feeling loved and not being alone-I'm guessing that reality is just beginning to creep up on him. I haven't responded. Advice? Link to comment
DN Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have seen threads on here where a dumper has called later and it has been strictly about some unfinished business to do with property or whatever. But I have also seen threads where such a phone call led to reconciliation and eventual marriage. Best to find out - even one missed opportunity may be the last opportunity. Link to comment
dstein Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have seen threads on here where a dumper has called later and it has been strictly about some unfinished business to do with property or whatever. But I have also seen threads where such a phone call led to reconciliation and eventual marriage. Best to find out - even one missed opportunity may be the last opportunity. I hear you, but he stated pretty clearly that it was an apology, and that he wanted to see my kids (they are 13 and 17 and he hasn't seen them or had a conversation with them in weeks, since deciding to actually move out). I don't want him to be reckless with them right now either, I mean, what is he going to say? He didn't say "I miss you" or "I'm a stupid idiot for leaving"! I'm feeling protective. And hurt. I am not sure what I would say if he was on the phone with me right now. I'm so disappointed and hurt. Link to comment
Fitchik Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I responded to your pm. But a short note about the kids.... I too have a son, just turned 18 and he's been thru this whole ordeal with me. He's watched me fall apart, go against everything I've tried to teach him about relationships, and supported me in any decision I make. HOWEVER... he's angry at my ex too. So don't assume that your kids aren't affected by this either. And they have EVERY RIGHT to be upset with him too. My son felt that my ex not only left me, but left him too. (We were together 8 or 9 years.. feels like forever now). Read my pm...email me. We'll talk. You'll be okay...this is all going to work out for the best, one way or another. Link to comment
Adge Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I think he may be using to see the boys as an excuse to really see you. Is it just me that potentially sees this or am I way off track? Link to comment
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