moving in or out or ???

[footdr1]

Hi every one, I have read this forum often , but just recently joined to post a question... I have been in a relationship with my Girlfriend for approx 1 1\2 years, she has been going through a long divorce and lives with her 12 year old son, I have custody of my 14 year old son and she lets him get on and off the bus at her house due to my working long hours and my small apartment is farther away from work and school for my son.

Prior to the holidays we both ( my son and I ) started spending the night at her house , we have had lots of fun , great holidays, we all get along . She has a large house with several empty bed rooms ( her older children are in college or on their own) . I thought all was well and we started talking about long term plans , we have several vacations scheduled this year that we plan to take both kids with us and a few thats just us as a couple.

This weekend she started saying "you need to go home" and "I need my space" she says my son can come and get on and off the bus there, I can come and eat dinner with her and do things , but she doesn't want us spending the night there, thats she is not ready for that ....I don't know what to make of it all.

I will of course honor her request , but I was disappointed as I thought we were really going to the next level of living together , or at least trying it with the Boys and we all get along great. I know my son is confused and worried that we are going to break up ....

perhaps this is just a rant ....but I am worried about the woman I love and her son too.... what should I do ????

[alli]

Sounds like you guys were practically moving in & it freaked her out; she's not ready yet. You've been together for quite a while, but her divorce isn't complete yet? Definitely back off a bit & maybe she will feel better about things. I wouldn't move in with someone who is legally still married to someone else.

[Day_Walker]

You need to realize that this girl does not have the same feelings for you that you have for her. She is not ready to take the next step and move in. I would take this as an indication that this woman is not looking for something as serious as you have in mind. This is going to be difficult to accept but you can either wait for her to be ready or you can realize that things are all downhill from here.

[DN]

You need to realize that this girl does not have the same feelings for you that you have for her. She is not ready to take the next step and move in. I would take this as an indication that this woman is not looking for something as serious as you have in mind. This is going to be difficult to accept but you can either wait for her to be ready or you can realize that things are all downhill from here.

I agree with this. After a year and half she should know whether she is ready or not even if she is going through a divorce. If I were you I would thank her for her offer but tell her you are looking for a serious, long-term relationship and since she obviously isn't then you think it best to end it.

[footdr1]

She tell me she loves me , and talks about the future allot, she assures me she does not want anybody else ... that she is not going anywhere. She always has problems making choices, she over analyizes and paralizes , I will wait and see what happens, I love her and think she is awsome ,My son thinks the world of her and we all have lots of fun together , so I will stand by for a while and see what becomes of it all , when there are children involved I need to be careful and do things in a slow fashion , both these kids have been through enough in there life right now.

[DN]

She needs to understand the consequences of what she has done. A good relationship is about the wants, needs and aspirations of two people - not just one.

 

When someone says they want space they are really saying "I want the space you occupy near me without you in it." It is a very personal repudiation of a partner and is not something on which a successful relationship can be built. You need her to understand that and to know that you are as important in this relationship as she is. It's not just about her because if it were it would be an unbalanced relationship and they just don't work.

 

If you walk away then she will have to decide if that is what she really wants - or whether she really does want you. By doing what she wants now she is able to avoid making that decision - and she will continue that avoidance. You will become more and more unhappy and frustrated and that too will corrode the relationship even faster.

 

The more than the children become attached - the harder it will be for them to become unattached. And you should never maintain a relationship where the primary focus is the children - it serves no one and most of all it doesn't serve the children. They are very good at sensing rocky relationships and it makes them feel very insecure and apprehensive.