Day 30 NC-Mixed Emotions

[hamhot]

I don't post often, but I do read a lot. Today is day 30 of NC, and about 7 weeks since the breakup so I'm just getting my thoughts out. It has been over 9 weeks since I have seen him in person.

 

We had been together for nearly 5 years, and it was long distance but that was going to end in April when I was going to move to be with him. He dumped me in an email, two weeks after visiting me and two weeks before I was to visit him. He said he didn't think I was going to ever move to be with him, and that he had discussed it with his friends and didn't see a future with me.

 

He never gave me a chance to have my say, and after pestering him 3 weeks after the breakup (which I now regret) he finally called to let me talk, but I don't think he listened. I have been visiting my family and have been closer distance-wise to him these last few weeks. I asked if we could talk/meet again before I leave and he said maybe. He also said more than once that he would mail my belongings to my family who I have been staying with, but he never has.

 

I was supposed to leave this weekend to complete my position in Canada but weather is keeping me until tomorrow. I think he knew that I would be leaving, and all this time I thought he would contact me to pick up my belongings in person, since I drive through his city.

 

He never did. No contact for me has been easier for others I guess because he has not tried to reach me once.

 

My 30 days of NC has been very up and down. Sometimes reading these boards have helped, but other times they make me question everything. His reasons for breaking up were brief, and some days I search the boards looking for someone in a similar situation for answers. The answers I read usually make me feel worse. That he met someone else, that he had been cheating, that he had been planning it for months even though he said he hadn't...the list goes on but it is all speculation. I suppose I'll never know.

 

I leave tomorrow and am particularly sad that I will most likely never see him again. I am sad that my last visual memory of seeing him in person was during a pretty wonderful visit. I'm sad that I still don't have my belongings back, and that I'm afraid to ask for them for fear of setting back my healing.

 

I'm sad I spent 5 years with a coward.

[SighSob]

It hurts...it hurts a lot, I know. But you said it, he is a coward. Don't ask yourself why and when he decided to break up with you. The answer is not gonna help you in any way. Think about yourself and your future. I know it's hard, but with enough willpower you can do it.

[jennamajig]

Hamhot -

 

I understand your situation, I do. While mine wasn't long distance - we did live together - I have just as much closure as you do. I found my ex lied about getting a job because he thought I wouldn't move to be with him. I wasn't excited about moving, but I would have if the job had been a reality. He never told it was.

 

Hold your head up high. Take it one day at a time...that is the only advice I can offer as it is the only thing keeps me going.

[crab62]

I find it so incredibly heartless for them to leave as they do, with no follow-up or concern for how we are doing "now alone" without them. It's incredibly selfish, insensitive and extremely cowardly.

 

I walked up to my exbf's door on NewYearsDay and got my closure. I didn't care if he was ready or wanted to hear it or didn't want to, etc. It had been 8 weeks since the breakup and no word from... it was obvious he was not going to call and allow me to speak to him and have the closure I deserved. So I decided the best way was to go to his house... bold maybe, but I had had enough of NC, and I deserved to have my say. Thankfully he opened the door and I was able to tell him all the things "I" had been feeling since he walked out on 11/7. Afterwards, I felt much more vindicated and a little less humiliated... however, I think it's pretty sad that I had to go there in fear of him. Yes my heart was racing and my legs were shaking as I knocked on the door... not knowing if he'd even answer the door and then once he saw me, if he'd shut it in my face.

 

This leaving of theirs in this way says so much about them... and however we find closure... the one thing we need to make sure of... is we don't even get involved with these kinds of men again... I honestly think it's abuse.

 

HUGS to you...

[hamhot]

Thanks everyone for your support. It wasn't always long distance, we did live together for awhile last year. It just feels like all build up to nothing. Sometimes when I read the boards I wonder if he is reading something similar, and is also choosing not to contact me until I contact him. I don't understand how a seemingly healthy relationship turned into a giant game.

 

And yes, I do want to call him tonight. If only to at least give him my address in Canada so he can finally mail me my belongings. I don't know if I have given them some symbolic attachment, but I feel like him still having them is holding me back.

[hamhot]

Wow Crab, I can't believe you did that! Did you just stand in the doorway, have your say and leave? Or did he respond at all? After I received the email of doom I called him and every question I had was answered with "I don't have to tell you." I have no idea how he got so bitter so fast and I've fantasized doing what you did tons of times.

[crab62]

Wow Crab, I can't believe you did that! Did you just stand in the doorway, have your say and leave? Or did he respond at all? After I received the email of doom I called him and every question I had was answered with "I don't have to tell you." I have no idea how he got so bitter so fast and I've fantasized doing what you did tons of times.

 

he opened the door, but was totally shocked. he let me in and i started to cry big time. he just stared at me like he was so confused... apparently he thought I shouldn't still be so sad. that part was humiliating, but i didn't care... i went on and told him how i felt and asked him how he could walk out and not even call to see how i was. his answers were minimal with little to no emotion. ... but then he seemed to open up a bit and we talked more, but he stiill blames me for everything... which is totally crazy and not true. but overall it was good, for me at least. i was there for me, not for him... and i didn't care what he said... i just needed to tell him how i felt and i did.

 

but i still think it's sad. i think we had a great thing, but i realized after that night he has no desire for compromise. since i wasn't perfect in the relationship, he's out. i was able to overlook some of his faults, but apparently he is incapable of overlooking mine. so that's fine. he can go off to find ms. perfect and i am done with men, LOL!!

 

i think having NC is good cause it gives both parties some time for the raw emotions to subside a bit... thus allowing a type of meeting like i had with the exbf. i'm sure if had gone there weeks earlier, he may have not even opened the door.

 

but it was good. we are over, and that is still very sad... but at least I don't feel that horrible tug of "unfinished" business with him. i feel like if i want to email him, i will and i don't care if he emails back. it's like i'm no longer a prisoner of him. i don't know how that happens, maybe with time, or maybe the closure helped.

 

i think you can do what i did... you might just have to give it some time and calculate it right. i felt like a stalker, LOL!! on the phone with my sis and i was walking up to his door and she was saying "OMG I can't believe you are doing this"!!... but I was determined and as you can tell, I was pi$$ed... I had enough of NC... I had a right to say my say. I imagine if he didn't answer the door I would have felt awful, but I'm glad he did... and i won't be going back again, LOL!! Don't need to, he he

[Truth317]

Sometimes when a relationship ends between a couple it just ends and that's the end of the story. Check it.

 

When my ex and I split apart last May, it didn't come over night. We were having a lot of problems and yes I presented the idea of a breakup. I stated my reasons why I felt the way I did and gave her a chance to speak & voice her thoughts before I pulled the plug. And I did that with a "idealistic ear" because I didn't really want to breakup. But I just got tired of pulling, tugging struggling and fighting for someone who wasn't strong enough to support me when others were looking...

 

She agreed we should split and that was the end of that. Haven't seen her since... I didn't meet with her in person because I didn't see any point. I didn't want to continue dating her and it would've prevented me from healing. But whenever she contacted me I always responded and was cordial to her. And a few times I sent emails or a phonecall to say "Hi." I figured that would be the best, I mean, the woman gave me 3 years of her life, ya know. That's the least I can do.

 

But I didn't really see the reason why any closure was necessary considering the circumstances of the relationship.

[hamhot]

I think I will call tonight. Since he is now such a coward that he can't even break up over the phone (or wait two weeks to do it in person), I'm sure he's waiting for me to ask for my things back (again). I'll just tell him my address in Canada and ask that they be sent ASAP. He lost his chance to save on shipping, as I've been only a few hours away from him for a few weeks now.

[thedude27]

I find it so incredibly heartless for them to leave as they do, with no follow-up or concern for how we are doing "now alone" without them. It's incredibly selfish, insensitive and extremely cowardly.

 

 

Men arent the only ppl that do this I can see I'm in good company in this thread for sure as we all feel about the same about our breakups. I see the same ppl posting exactly what I feel.

 

Crab that is awesome that you did that, I understand that feeling that made you want to do it. I thought about doing it to my ex but I have done enough $hit like that throughout the relationship and I'm just tired of holding everying on my shoulders. Always the one to reach out, always the one to initiate fixing the problems. If I'm not worth a word or a friendship or a thought, well then good luck to her. I know I am the best thing she has ever had in her life (mainly because she told me that and partly because I have witnessed and heard about her other relationships). If I'm not worth trying or fighting for then I wish her luck she has lost much more than I have and I would venture to guess that is the case for those of us posting here. While I wish these ppl would realize it now instead of when its too late, the sad truth is that they probably wont.

 

 

I totally understand you just want them to see the pain they caused you and you dont care so much if you get them back (although we are secretly hoping they realize and it clicks). At first I just wanted to at least know it was HARD for her, all I got was silence from my best friend...talk about confusion and pain....In my case I know she knows she hurt me and did things wrong. When I actually got some time to talk to her and expalin some things, she shut down when I brought up her part in this...I know she knows it. Deep inside she is ashamed of what she did, on the surface she has it reasoned out that it was totally my fault and she is justified for doing what she did. I'm sorry but what she did is what you do do someone you dated 3 months not 8 years and its even dispicable in a 3 month relationship.

 

I think the people that do this have a certian personality. At least when I talk to ppl in my same situation it seems they have very similar stories.

 

In my case if you look up avoidant personality disorder you will see my ex GF described very accurately...It boils down to them being very selfish/cowardly and fearful people when it comes to relationships. Their defense mechanism is to run away and hide from the pain. They bury it, twist it into a lie that they can believe and move on. Denial is a fantastic tool for this. None of this is surpising to me as my Ex used to brag about the fact that she can make herself feel anyway about a particular situation. The only thing that is surprising is that she used it on me, I knew it could happen but I just didnt think she really would do it.

 

Unfortunatley I dont see a lot of hope for reconcilation with ppl like this. This is something I am still struggling with, because I really loved this woman but in my heart I knew if she didnt change the way she held back all the time that we would not be successful. I think a lot of ppl would just go ahead and try it anyway, I saw the rough seas ahead and passed. I dont want to be divorced from her I want to spend the rest of my life with her. If I went ahead with things we would eventually (5-10yrs) get divorced. I honestly believe that was our fate if things didnt click in her. I told her I would wait for her to be ready, but she wasnt going to wait. She knew she had problems, but she thinks she is fine now. She's not. Its sad because I know the relationship she is in now will eventually fail and its the same pattern that her mother went through, but what can we do? Nothing really, we just have to move on sad as that is...

[hamhot]

I'm just tired of holding everying on my shoulders. Always the one to reach out, always the one to initiate fixing the problems.

 

Ugh, you said it right there. Since I've always been that way too, I feel like it is a pushing and pulling game right now, with zero contact on both ends.

 

Someone told me I should write a short business-like letter asking for my things back but I refuse to. He dumped me with a business-like letter and I am an adult who is not afraid of confrontation and I won't resort to a pansy email. I still can't tell if he is doing this on purpose. He said he needed a clean break, I assumed he would have had them in the mail before he even hit the send button.

[Seymore]

I find it so incredibly heartless for them to leave as they do, with no follow-up or concern for how we are doing "now alone" without them. It's incredibly selfish, insensitive and extremely cowardly.

 

That's not entirely fair. I did that (sort of) and left her texting incessantly about needing closure. The thing is, I gave it all I had and it still wasn't enough. I wasn't being respected, I was being manipulated, controlled and teased even after multiple short-term breakups. The way I saw it, she had her closure. I let it all out and told her how I'd felt, and SHE showed me the door, thinking I'd come crawling back. That was her mistake. After all she did to me, she didn't deserve my concern for how she's doing, because rarely was she concerned about how I was doing. When we sat down and I brought my concerns to the table, she'd turn it around and take it as an attack on her. I made it perfectly clear that her attitude was detrimental to our relationship, but she didn't listen, it always became "Poor me. Everyone's attacking me." So that was her warning, and I gave it about a dozen times before I gave up.

 

Not saying you were disrespecting, manipulative or controlling, but there ARE instances where the other person isn't owed anything because the rules were laid out beforehand. If a worker gets a warning about their falling asleep at work and told that the next time it happens, they're fired, and they fall asleep again...does the employer really need to say why the employee got fired? Do they owe the employee an explanation?

[Truth317]

This is so true.

[crab62]

Men arent the only ppl that do this I can see I'm in good company in this thread for sure as we all feel about the same about our breakups. I see the same ppl posting exactly what I feel.

 

sorry... I shouldn't be gender specific here... but you get the idea.

 

I'm going to look up that avoidant personality disorder... I did not know about that one!