Trying to get past a cheating girlfriend.

[gr8tfriend]

I'll just keep the details short.

 

I am 43 and love a woman who is 41. We dated about a year. I broke up with her right before Xmas, feeling it was for the best, but intuitively I had issues with the number of male friends she kept in contact with, especially her last ex. She had stated she wasnt in contact with him, but by looking on Facebook, I know that she had been. That kind of took the wind out of my sails and although I didn't use it as an excuse to break up, we split and I told her that although I love her, I just wasn't feeling our differences (lack of common interests a big one) could be worked out.

After breaking up, I had a female relative on facebook communicate with her ex and found out beyong a shadow of a doubt that they had had several sexual encounters during the early part of our relationship. I found this out Friday. We had broken up about a week and half ago. Like many people that have just broken up, I still have the fantasy of getting back together, etc. We had been in NC since the breakup.

 

This has really thrown me for a loop. I understand the fact that I had already broken up with her and should be glad I had the brains to follow my gut feeling, so there is some consolation in that.

 

But I still have an enormous pain of betrayal that I have never felt before in my life. I have never been cheated on before in any relationship. It's nearly unbearable. I haven't slept good in days, my stomach is twisted and I have trouble concentrating.

 

I broke the NC and sent her an email when I found out, I was shaking I was so upset. It wasn't one of anger, just sharing with her the enormous pain I felt. As odd as it seems, I needed her at that point. The following morning, I sent a longer email expressing more pain I was suffering from, the disappointment I felt and expressed some rather restrained anger and disbelief.

She has only responded with a two-line email stating that I'll only believe what I want to believe and that she can't believe I would distrust her so much as to spy. (having someone communicate with this guy to find out the truth).

 

There has been no further contact. This morning I really feel like crap, I had gone into this relationship with the best of intentions, completely honest, truthful and sincere. My vision of this woman has been shattered completely. I love her or loved her, I can't decide which. But the pain in overwhelming knowing I had been lied to and deceived. It's mindboggling to me. I can't even comprehend this whole thing.

[abouttime]

She is a serial cheater and you are well rid of her. I am very sorry for you pain, but as you said your gut was right. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the sun will come out again. And when it does it will shed light on all the available beautiful women out there who won't stomp or your heart.

[gr8tfriend]

She is a serial cheater and you are well rid of her. I am very sorry for you pain, but as you said your gut was right. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the sun will come out again. And when it does it will shed light on all the available beautiful women out there who won't stomp or your heart.

 

I have many emotions going through my head at the moment. One of the most difficult is that when a relationship ends, I prefer to look back at in and remember the good times we had and that it just didn't work out. Now, I keep looking at the parts of our relationship having all been an illusion. It's very painful.

 

I really thought I had felt all of the relationship pain there was to feel in life, having reached 43 years old, divorced and dated numerous women. But the pain I feel from this is completely different, one for which I was ill-prepared. I'm still trying to identify just which part cause me the most discomfort, betrayal? Being a sucker?

 

Anyone care to share?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I had a female relative on facebook communicate with her ex and found out beyong a shadow of a doubt that they had had several sexual encounters during the early part of our relationship.

 

I am a bit confused...whose relative was this yours or hers? What do you mean by communicate? Did the person ask flat out "did you sleep with X". How exactly do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt? What do you mean by early stages of the relationship? Was this before the two of you became exclusive? How long had she broken up with him before starting to see you? She had a lot of male friends and you seemed distrustful of her having any male friends..not just her ex. You say you broke up with her because you didn't have compatible interests...so if that's the case why would you want her back? There are many gaps in this story and I wonder what her side of the story would be on this.

[gr8tfriend]

I am a bit confused...whose relative was this yours or hers? What do you mean by communicate? Did the person ask flat out "did you sleep with X". How exactly do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt? What do you mean by early stages of the relationship? Was this before the two of you became exclusive? How long had she broken up with him before starting to see you? She had a lot of male friends and you seemed distrustful of her having any male friends..not just her ex. You say you broke up with her because you didn't have compatible interests...so if that's the case why would you want her back? There are many gaps in this story and I wonder what her side of the story would be on this.

 

It was my relative and by communicate I mean a detailed discussion about the situation in which he was more than happy to talk about in detail, not out of vengence or anything, just out of stupidity. The information is lock solid, that is without question.

When we dated, we agreed to not date anyone else. She continued to sleep with him for four months into our relationship. We only dated total for 11.

I don't have a problem with male friends at all, I have several female friends. What I had a problem with was going to dinner with ex's, texting one another, and being deceptive.

Her side of the story? I couldn't tell you at this point. She was bargaining and begging as we broke up. She loves me dearly.

Why would I want her back? That's a good question, I don't know, but that's why I'm here on this site, to figure that out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

For four months into the relationship! So this wasn't even a one time last thing for old-time's sake. This puts her in the unrepentant cheater category. Did her ex break up with her? I wouldn't really trust her at this point. That was a major betrayal. She is way to skilled at lying and covering up. I would continue to stay away at this point and try to heal yourself....and also make sure you get yourself test for STDs.

[gr8tfriend]

For four months into the relationship! So this wasn't even a one time last thing for old-time's sake. This puts her in the unrepentant cheater category. Did her ex break up with her? I wouldn't really trust her at this point. That was a major betrayal. She is way to skilled at lying and covering up. I would continue to stay away at this point and try to heal yourself....and also make sure you get yourself test for STDs.

 

Well, not that it matters, but it wasn't an ongoing thing, it was just here and there. In his words, whenever we got together and I could get a few drinks in her. Also in his words, they never actually broke up, they just drifted because she was dating me.

I the prescription for my blood test, I'm having it done tomorrow.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, not that it matters, but it wasn't an ongoing thing, it was just here and there. In his words, whenever we got together and I could get a few drinks in her. Also in his words, they never actually broke up, they just drifted because she was dating me.

I the prescription for my blood test, I'm having it done tomorrow.

 

That's very strange. Were they simply FWBs? The whole thing sounds very odd. What did she have to say about it?

[gr8tfriend]

That's very strange. Were they simply FWBs? The whole thing sounds very odd. What did she have to say about it?

 

 

She denied it and accused me of distrusting her by digging for information. Yes, they were FWB's obviously. What I'm finding more than anything is that the lying and deceiving hurts more than anything else. I'm not sexually insecure, so I don't have visions of her with another guy in my head. I'm really thankful to God that I don't have to battle with that. I would have 20 years ago.

It's just the act of betrayal that is the most painful.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The lying and deceiving..and her denials and twisting blame should all be deal breakers for you as far as getting back together with her It will take time to heal from all of this.

[gr8tfriend]

The lying and deceiving..and her denials and twisting blame should all be deal breakers for you as far as getting back together with her It will take time to heal from all of this.

 

I know that you're correct and I actually feel a bit silly about it since I'm 43 years old. I thought I had pretty much seen everything and felt everything before, but I guess not.

I now have a new level of compassion for anyone who has been betrayed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know that you're correct and I actually feel a bit silly about it since I'm 43 years old. I thought I had pretty much seen everything and felt everything before, but I guess not.

I now have a new level of compassion for anyone who has been betrayed.

 

 

Even into your 70's you will never stop learning...so my parents tell me!

[gr8tfriend]

Even into your 70's you will never stop learning...so my parents tell me!

 

Thanks for listening.

[gr8tfriend]

Thanks for listening.

 

 

Last night I received an email from my ex and her wish to 'come clean' about cheating on me. She stated that there was much confusion with the way things went down and she wanted to clear the air. It was mostly about how bad she felt, but wanted to give me 'peace'. What it did was piss me off. I responded back this morning that her response was 'textbook: deny it at first, then admit only based on the evidence and tell nothing more. I told her there was additional information she must have missed (she doesn't know what I know) and that her email seemed to be more for her than for me.

 

Later this morning, she sent a quick one line email stating how right I am, how horrible she is, how she don't know if she can take another breath and that she didn't deserve to be alive.

 

I immediately attempted to call her mother and when unable, I contacted our counselors office.(we had been in couples counseling) The counselor got a hold of her mother and spoke. I only received a voice message back from the counselor that she would fill me in later.

 

On another side note, I had met with the counselor earlier this morning because I'm dealing with the betrayal issues, being hurt and not knowing all that happened. I realize the seed to my healing is going to be through forgiveness. I'm a person who can't not stay mad and I show a lot of pity. She has suggested that the best way may be to approach my ex and since our relationship is over and we both need closure, to request a complete disclosure of everything that had happened. It may be painful, but it will be better than not knowing or guess about what happened.

[gr8tfriend]

This is what has now happened. I have approached her in order to gain the truth about the entire situation. She agree and we met yesterday at her house. She has stated that there was one event that corresponds to an argument we had had back in July. The timelime fits in my datebook and she has also sworn on her grandmothers grave that the events as she described them are true.

 

As anyone can imagine, I am having mixed emotions. It was due to her 'friendship' with this person that we were driven apart to begin with, it had magnified all of our other issues. She is acting quite remorseful and concerned about my wellbeing in all of this because she realizes it hurts.

I'm having some very confusing feelings needless to say. I love this woman and wish to believe her. How does one ever know for certain or is it simply a leap of faith?

[Lamprey]

Why don't you leave this woman alone already? Seriously. You broke up. All you're doing now is picking at the scab, making yourself & her miserable.

 

One thing you should understand is, you can guilt trip her all you want, you can play detective & judge trying to prove her cheating, but the bottom line is that you both already know the facts: she cheated on you, you dumped her.

 

If you take her back, decide whether you're ok with being cheated on by her because it will happen again, and when it does the blame will fall squarely on you. After all, if you buy a wolf and the wolf kills your chickens, who do you blame, yourself or the animal? So if you're fine with that, take her back; if not, say goodbye.

 

Note: if you do take her back, you can probably milk her infidelity to guilt her into a lot of fun stuff. Want anal, a threesome, whatever? It'll probably be much easier now if you play your cards right. Something to think about!

[gr8tfriend]

You have a most tender way of making a most accurate point.

[Lamprey]

Haha, sorry man, I can rephrase in more delicate terms if you'd like. I wasn't trying to be mean, just figured that the less I sugarcoat it, the more impact it'd make

[gr8tfriend]

Haha, sorry man, I can rephrase in more delicate terms if you'd like. I wasn't trying to be mean, just figured that the less I sugarcoat it, the more impact it'd make

 

 

No offense taken in the slightest bit. I feel stupid for even battling this crap at my age. It's just some new stuff I've never dealt before and I love the woman.

[Messiah]

You feel like you need her more than ever, for explanation, and comfort. Maybe you don't have anyone else close to you emotionally to lean on. But the fact of the matter is she will never be able to give you the comfort you're desperately pursuing, she's a cold-hearted cheater. Stay strong, move on. You're heading in the right direction by being on this website. I'm going through a very similar situation actually. It's hard.

[gr8tfriend]

You feel like you need her more than ever, for explanation, and comfort. Maybe you don't have anyone else close to you emotionally to lean on. But the fact of the matter is she will never be able to give you the comfort you're desperately pursuing, she's a cold-hearted cheater. Stay strong, move on. You're heading in the right direction by being on this website. I'm going through a very similar situation actually. It's hard.

 

Thanks. The moments of clarity are very few and very far between. I was laying in bed this morning just praying for clarity and the ability to just let this woman go. It's very hard. I know I need to go into NC and haven't been able to do it.

I was thinking what will probably happen inevitably is she will eventually choose NC herself, thereby solving this entire problem, but creating an initial immense pain that I'll have to deal with.