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Should I give him my home address?


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I have been talking to this guy online since October. We met via a question-answer site and had great conversations, and we are friends. Not necessarily dating, but just friends. Our long-term values are too incompatible for it to be anything more than that, but we still flirt harmlessly sometimes. Also, he is overseas and so the distance would be an issue.

 

Anyway, when I was at my dorm in Denmark I offered to send him a postcard and he gave me his work address (he lives and works in the same place).

 

Now I am at home for the holidays, in my family's home in the US. He wanted to send me a postcard so I told him I would give in my address for the dorm back in Denmark. Then he said he wanted to send me this book we'd been talking about, a book he read before. He kept telling me to get it and I said I would as soon as I got home. But tonight he out of the blue offered to buy it for me from Amazon as a late Xmas present and was going to have it shipped to me. I can't have packages shipped to my address in Denmark because the prices are way too high. And I wasn't going to give him my family's address in the US because I don't feel comfortable giving it out to anyone on the Internet. So I told him to just get me an Amazon gift certificate in the amount of the book and I can order it myself.

 

And he took offense that I wouldn't send him my address. At this time I don't have a PO Box, and I don't have a friend's address or any other address for him to send the package to, only my home address. I don't feel right about giving my home address out because 1) other people live there besides me and I want to respect them; 2) it's private and personal; 3) you can never be too careful these days.

 

Anyway, he was offended because he said he trusted me enough to give me his address so that I could send him a postcard. He said that I could've easily sent him questionable material to get him fired, but he trusted me enough anyway. So he said he was miffed that I didn't do the same for him. He said that he wouldn't have invested all of these months into talking to me if all he wanted was my address.

 

I understand where he's coming from on one level. We've been talking for almost 3 months now (though our convos now are mostly debates and never the fun stuff that they were at the beginning), and so far he's been honest and everything he's said has been consistent. I'm sure he's fine and he's who he says he is. He's told me a lot of his secrets and I've told him secrets too (I'm regretting it now).

 

But this is the Internet. I don't know him. I've never met him. He's a guy and I'm a girl. Our situations aren't the same. The web is a crazy place and you have to keep your head on your shoulders. He's mad because he thinks I think he's a terrorist and that I don't trust him...no matter how much I tried to tell him that it's not about him, it's just that I don't give out my personal family address over the Internet, not even to my freelance design clients. Also, he gave me his WORK address, not his mother's or his father's or his grandmother's address.

 

He said I am being so naive and reserved in all other areas of my life that I am guaranteed to "f-" it up when it comes to taking the next step of trust, aka sending him my personal address. Or something like that. He also implied that I am paranoid. We had a semi-debate after this, but to make it short, he told me to reexamine this area of my life. And I didn't want to argue, so i said, yes, I will reexamine this area. And he's like "fine, talk to you later" and then he logs off.

 

I don't think he's being fair. Yes, I am reserved and cautious. But I have shared photos with him on my MySpace, I've shared my website with him and I've had a video chat with his male friend. He's shared his MySpace with photos, too. I was planning to give him my dorm address in Denmark. I would do a video/audio chat with him as well but his internet connection won't allow for it. Those things are fine, but it seems like the home address is something you never reveal right away.

 

Anyway I've tried to justify my position in this post but let me know if you think I'm being uptight. Be honest. If I'm wrong or misguided in any of my judgments, tell me!!! I mean, I'm sure he's harmless but I just don't want to risk it. I don't know him. I had no other address to give him besides my personal one, and I preferred not to give it out. I KNOW he wasn't just out to get my address...and to his credit he said he wasn't going to force me...but he kept getting angry and criticising me for not giving it to him anyway. He always does this...always acts smart and intelligent and then he makes a big deal about things I won't do that because they seem like basic common sense.

 

I don't know. i don't have much experience in this area. I've never talked to anyone online longer than I've talked to him, so this is all new to me. Sigh. I think I may just quit talking to him. But I need to know when is the right time to give out your address to someone you meet online?

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Wow, thanks for the quick reply. Yes...but I am partly at fault now because I did offer to send him a postcard first (back at the beginning of December). I am regretting that now. If I'd never done that then none of this would have happened. He was trying to reciprocate by sending me something in return. I'd been hoping he wouldn't.

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So it's not just me being uptight then...he was just being difficult...and the funny thing is, I know he knows this too...he was probably just looking to start a fire. Maybe he should not have given me his address. It was a risk for him to do so, but he did it anyway. I never pressured him to, and if he'd refused to give it to me, i would NOT have gotten angry/offended. What is his problem? Why does he get so offended when I am just trying to follow basic common sense. He's told me many times that he values intelligence and that our friendship is based on intelligence...so then when he acts like this it's a shock because I thought someone who was intelligent would at least try to understand these things.

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Because he is overseas and not resident in the same country, I think I would give him my address, for I think there is little chance of him stalking you/showing up unnanounced on your doorstep.

 

If he was resident in your country however, then I wouldn't give a home address, for he could come stalking you/seeking you out unnanounced.

 

I once chatted to a guy online from UK, same as me and he would always ask for my home address to post things to me....but I didn't give him it. Just as well because he did show up unannounced one day, phoned me and told me he was in my town....LOL, and if he'd had my address....well you can guess the rest!!

 

I also had an American friend from Long Island....but she got my address to post things to me and I had her address also. So while I don't have a problem in giving people abroad my address, I do those from my own country...

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Yeah, I see...but still...I'd be more willing to give my address to a female online friend (I have done so before in an international message board community for gift exchanges) than I would a male. No offense to guys but women do have to be a little more cautious.

 

I think I'm just not going to contact this guy for a while and move on with my life. I need to invest more time with people offline who are actually present and in my life and not on the periphery. It's sweet that this guy wanted to send me a book, but his reaction to me not giving his address was a major turn off for me (along with some other things), so I'm calling it quits with him for now!

 

Thanks for your replies!

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Well that was an easy one. NO, you should not give him your address.

 

LOL yes. But this guy has a way of making me feel unreasonable or uptight for not doing things. I'm sure he's a genuine person and is who he says he is, but when I'm talking to him sometimes I forget common sense. When I try to do things that are common sense (like refuse to give him my address), he says he's not going to pressure me to do it but then has to go on and add some remark about how he doesn't understand why I have such a hard time with it and that I put up too many walls in my life and I need to relax and trust him, and that he's offended. So it's very easy to second-guess myself and to give in. Thankfully I kept my head and didn't give him my address.

 

It's sort of like how airport security has to assume EVERYONE is a potential threat, even when it's obvious that some people aren't. You can never be too careful. It's common sense.

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Yeah...I'm just worried that he will use one of those people finder sites and find my address anyway. I'm not sure if he has my last name (I never gave it to him personally) but he knows what state I'm from and where I graduated from...plus I have told him some things about my family and stuff like that while we were chatting. He's told me stuff about his family...you know, that whole "let's talk about our dysfunctional families" kind of thing. I just hope he won't use one of those sites, find my address, and send a letter to the family revealing everything that I've told him. I love my family a lot and I hope he wouldn't do that. From now on I'm going to be far more careful about these things.

 

I hate those people finder sites. I really do.

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Yes, you're right. I talked this over with a friend on IM last night. She basically said the same thing you guys have and helped me to see that I don't need to waste any more time with this guy. I'm sure he is nice and all, but the way he has treated me hasn't been very respectful (he doesn't respect my boundaries and principles and it is ALWAYS me who has to change; me who needs to rethink areas of my life...never him). I'm moving on. It's hard but it's great to be free.

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