I Dont Know What To Do

[c10hoo]

I cant see things getting better the way things are going, I tried drastic changes in my life last year and they failed. Im back where I was but in a worse state, I dont see the point in any of this anymore. Ive had many sleepless nights recently planning out if i was to end it, how would I do it. several dozen pills and some alcohol seems the best option for me. I sit up now for hours through the day and night doing nothing. I live in an area of the country thats new to me and finding it really hard to meet new people, Ive tried allsorts. My parents are adiment i will meet new friends but i dont want new friends, i want my old friends that are the other side of the country. But ive tried going back and it didnt work out. I really dont know what to do or where to go from here. Physically ive let myself go and im fearing mentally. Doctors just try to fill me full of tablets to cheer me up, i can do the job better with my own tablets.

 

September 2006 I sold my flat and left Carlisle to live in the south of England,

Spent about 18months trying to settle in but never could.

March 2008 I left the south to move back to Carlisle and get healty again but after 4 months I lost my job and it knocked me back again, I drifed down south again where my parents are and now im down here just plodding along with nothing to live for. I cant have a relationship because ive become to clingy and i seem to scare people off. The problem is i can see all this happening to me and its scaring me as i cant control it. I dont trust anyone, I cant talk tomy parents about this, for one my father is too controlling and doesnt understand. To him things are either black or white, im just being silly. and my mother thinks everythings her fault. The doctors dont care, they just give you that look of pitty and prescribe you loony pills. Im 23 and i have no one. The reason im posting this is about 20mins ago i caught myself listening to my mp3 player and thinking this would be a really nice song to play at my funeral and imagining it. Now i know thats not a healthy thought to be having but its quite regualr now, trying to imagine what things would be like if i wasnt here, and i can honestly say i cant see much changing, I dont know people in this area well enough to realise i have gone, my friends up north wouldnt realise much cause the only contact we have is over the net and my parents, They would get over it pretty quick as all i cause them is pain anyhow. They went on holiday last year, about the same time they found out about the way i feel. I was told today that they hope im not going to ruin their holiday again.

[ButterflyWrists]

depending on how south you are, it wouldn't be too hard to go up to carlsile, I've lived there myself many many years ago. So keeping in touch with old friends.

How old are you? I know down here in the south west, well somerset mainly, it has been hard to find jobs. What jobs do you do? if its with computers, can you do a job you can work from home? Try and look outside the box of what you do and have always done, it can sometimes make the best difference.

[c10hoo]

Basingstoke, Hampshire and no, Im a long distance HGV driver at 23. Weeks alone by myself round europe. Ive left that job and now am still driving but i have around 30 other people around me most of the time but I still sit in the corner, get home go to my room and go on the net. Ideally i want to make the move back to Carlisle perminant but you know how hard it is, especially in todays climate. I just feel im going nowhere

[ButterflyWrists]

Well you have a job, while it doesn't seem like the best in the world it is something. It means, with some savings, you can go up to carlsile, and see friends. Also, if it botheres you so much, try applying for jobs up there. If your job is a driving job, then can't you still live up there? I know some are for specific areas. What makes you feel unable to talk to the new people you work with? Is it fear of being rejected? Talk to them, you have nothing to loose.

 

I don't know hampshire myself... lol so I dont know how far it is from the north.

[waltwhit]

It sounds like you are having a very hard time right now but I believe it will get better. It can only get better from here right?? I think the other poster has a very good point. It is very important to take actions to make your life better. I think that posting here is a good way to get started. You have a forum with a lot of people that care what is going on in your life and in your head, and it is a great place to talk and to be listened to. So that is good! We are all cheering for you!

 

Second, I think, like you, that listening to a song and visualizing your funeral is a very destructive thing to do. Instead, take all the people you pictured at your funeral and decide on ways to make better connections with them. In many cases, this involves getting involved with them and their lives and doing some things for them that will make them feel good. This, in turn, will help you feel more esteem for yourself. I am sure that at the point you are at right now, doing anything for someone else is a daunting task. But the alternative (going to people from the negative place that you are right now) will only drive them away and put you in a worse situation. Perhaps, you could gather all your strength and volunteer your time somewhere - perhaps with kids who are mentally challenged or under-privileged (or wherever you feel led to go). At this point, spending time with some people that need you more than you need them can only help. Then, as you start to feel better about yourself, you will be in a much more positive place and you will find it much easier to meet new friends (you won't come accross as being clingy because you will feel strong in yourself and have something to offer your new friends).

 

Third, I would suggest making a list right now. I mean it, right now. A list of all the things you like about yourself. Sounds hokey? I know. But just do it. I promise it won't hurt! You will be surprised at all the cool things you see about yourself that you may have not even realized, certainly not at a conscious level, because you are too busy pointing out all your flaws. Whatever you do, do not put any flaws in this list or any other. Your inner critic is already very busy doing these things for you. Do not stop the list (I don't care how long it takes) until you reach 25 things. Once you do this, read that list, out loud, every day, at the beginning of each day. After a month, add to the list 10 more things that you love about yourself, while taking action to improve yourself (IE spending time with those less fortunate than you - and there are plenty of people out there I promise)

 

I know this is asking a lot, and that it will take a lot of energy that you don't think you have. but do it in small doses - one thing each day. make written goals for yourself - put them on a calendar perhaps. Tomorrow I will research what places I could find that would interest me, to help out. This could even be taking some dogs for a walk at the local pound if you like animals, for instance. Then the next day, make a goal to call one or two places. The third day call one or two more. After a week, commit to visiting one of the places on your list. Keep going until you find a place you like, a home, and then volunteer just a couple hours one day a week. See what happens and keep me posted, ok?

 

I hope this helps, and I believe you can do it. And I know that list will be hard at first (the one about the things you like about yourself) but trust me, it will be easier as you go!

 

All the best in the world to you!